


All Mistakes are Temporary II

by Vamphile



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Fluff, Future, Romance, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-13
Updated: 2005-12-26
Packaged: 2018-12-26 19:46:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 88,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12065781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vamphile/pseuds/Vamphile
Summary: This is the sequel to"All mistakes are temporary"it's not really a sequel so much as a continuation of what is basically season six, in which everything that was stupid and uncharacteristic of the show or the characters in season five is resolved, but with fun and angst and hot sex, and a particular focus on Brian and Justin (of course)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

This is the sequel to ["All mistakes are temporary"](%E2%80%9D)

* * *

Justin woke up sure he was dying. “I’m having a heart attack,” he thought to himself as he tried to take a deep breath, it felt as if his entire body was pinned under a heavy weight. Eventually he realized that it was Brian. 

Brian's head was lying heavily on Justin's chest, his arms draped over Justin's frame, one leg tossed casually across his ankles effectively pinning him to the bed.

“Brian.”  
Justin tried to push at him but he felt a sharp pain in his hand and some of the previous evenings events came back to him. Justin tried to figure out what to do next. Apparently Brian’s response had been to simply trap him in bed, which, under other circumstances might be fun, but right now Justin was starting to panic, a feeling he wasn’t interested in revisiting any time soon.

“Brian!” louder this time.  
Brian lifted his head. “Mmmmfff?”  
“Brian get off of me.” Justin tried again to push him off but winced as he tried to use his left hand.

Brian sat up quickly. He took Justin's arm by the wrist and pulled his hand, palm up, to examine the wound. It wasn’t bleeding anymore but he wondered if he should have taken Justin to get stitches.

Justin, finally free of Brian's dead weight tried to stand up, but suddenly sat again as he felt a sharp pain in his foot.

“What the fuck?”  
Brian watched Justin's somewhat feeble attempts at getting out of bed, or moving at all, and his concern from last night flooded back to him.  
“Sit the fuck down.”  
Justin had one of his legs resting on the opposite knee and was examining the bottom of his foot.   
“Well I have to sit down, at least until I figure out what the hell I just stepped on, I think it’s still in my foot.”  
Brian leaned over the edge of the bed and examined the floor, he didn’t see anything, and then he turned his attention to the bottom of Justin's foot. There were several cuts and scrapes on his foot and toes. As Brian turned on the bedside lamp he saw a few quick glimmers and realized that there was still glass in it. He sighed.

Less than five minutes later Brian was standing in front of Justin, holding a clean pair of jeans and t-shirt in front of his face. “Change, we’re going to the doctors.”

“I don’t need a doctor, I need tweezers, and maybe a pin or something.”

“Did it sound like a question?”  
Justin looked up at Brian and for the first time noticed his expression, it was dark, and he was working on blank, but he wasn’t accomplishing it very well at the moment.  
“Brian, seriously I just…”  
“Put on clean clothes, or you’re going to the doctor covered in blood and coffee.”  
Justin looked down at his pants, and saw that they were ruined, they were stained and there was a tear in the leg, and little spots of blood at the knees. “Fuck, I’m sorry Brian, these were expensive.”  
”Yeah, I’m very upset that you ruined a pair of pants. Now get dressed.”  
Brian was on the phone his back turned to Justin.  
“Brian I…”  
Brian shot a look over his shoulder that made Justin think twice about protesting. He silently pulled off the old pants, and noticed that his knees were speckled with blood. As he ran his hand over the scabs he felt that there was a piece of glass still there, he tried to pick it out, but his fingernails were so bitten and ragged all he ended up doing was opening the scab and causing his knee to bleed again.  
Brian finished his phone call and turned around in time to see Justin picking at his knee. His grabbed Justin's wrist, not hard, but firmly.  
“Put your fucking clothes on or I’m taking you there naked.”  
Justin looked up, trying to give Brian a flirtatious smile but he was apparently in no mood.

When Justin was dressed he stood up, and tried to walk, limping in different variations as he tried to find an angle for each foot that didn’t make it feel as if he were driving the glass deeper into his flesh. Brian watched for a couple seconds as Justin tried to ensure that the glass buried itself further into his feet and finally sighed. He grabbed Justin's sneakers with one hand and picked Justin up, flinging him over his shoulder with the other, and walked them both down to the car. Justin was still protesting when Brian actually walked past the garage.

“Look at the floor Justin…that’s your blood. He took a few steps further and turned so that Justin could see the kitchen floor. He said nothing else. He sat Justin in the car, fastened his seatbelt for him in the same way he would for Gus and then got in the drivers seat, lit a cigarette, pulled out of the garage and headed towards the doctors office.

Justin was silent. Brian glanced over and he was in deep concentration bending his left wrist back as far as it would go, and examining the cut on his hand. Brian saw it reopen and he took Justin by the wrist again “Stop that.”

They made the rest of the drive in silence. Justin wanted to apologize, but he knew it was too late for that. There were a lot of things he knew he wanted to say but he wasn’t ready, not yet.

Brian was lost in his own thoughts. He didn’t want to sit in an emergency room, so he had called one of the few doctors he knew who could be discreet. It was where he’d gone the first time he’d ever thought he had gonorrhea. It had turned out to be nothing but he’d remained his primary care physician for years. And right now, he just needed someone who could check Justin out physically. 

They pulled into the parking lot in silence and Justin opened his door. Brian leaned over him and pulled the door shut.

“We’re going to go in there, we’re gonna get you cleaned up, stitched up, whatever, and you’re not going to argue or be a general twat about it.” It wasn’t a question, or a request. It was a demand.  
Justin nodded, head down. Brian leaned over and kissed him. “You scared me last night.” He whispered.  
Justin looked up surprised. “I’m sorry.”  
Brian sighed, “Would you quit apologizing. Now wait there, I’ll be around to get you.”  
“Brian I can walk in.”  
“Without shoes?”  
Brian held up his shoes with a taunting smile and then walked around to the other side of the car.

Justin was embarrassed but the office was empty and the nurse sent them right back to an exam room. Justin sat on the crinkly paper, and Brian hopped up on the table and sat behind him, flipping his leg so that he was straddling the table he pulled Justin back against his chest. “You okay in there?” he whispered into the top of Justin's head.  
”Yeah, I’m just embarrassed.”  
Brian smiled and gave a half laugh, “yeah well you probably should be.”  
Justin wiped a tear. “I’m so…”  
“If you say you’re sorry I’m going to create a whole new bruise for the doctor to look at.” He said it quietly, and Justin opened his mouth again to apologize, but apologizing for apologizing wasn’t going to make Brian any less upset with him right now so he shut his mouth again.

The nurse came in, asked a few basic questions and took Justin's temperature, and blood pressure. 

A few minutes later the doctor walked in.

“Hey Brian.”  
“Hey doc”  
“Justin, would you like Brian to stay, he can leave if you’d be more comfortable.”  
Brian shot the doctor daggers with his eyes but the Dr. McKenzie ignored him. “Brian will you stay?” Justin asked.  
Brian shrugged against Justin's back; he hadn’t released his arm, which was still holding the blonde against him. “Where’ve I got to go?”

Dr. McKenzie started by examining Justin's hand. Looking at it carefully he eventually pulled the wound together with three stitches and bandaged it well.  
He then began to ask questions about exactly how this had happened.

Brian felt Justin tense up against him, but he let Justin tell the story, he was actually kind of interested in hearing Justin's version.

Justin’s version, as it turned out, was an exercise in revisionist history and lies by omission, but Brian didn’t interrupt.

Justin finished with a shrug “So Brian made me come here to get my hand looked at.”

“Yeah, while we’re here, why don’t you check his feet, and his knees too, since they seem to have suffered as well in the…what was it you entitled last night, minor moment of insanity?”  
Justin smiled, okay, so maybe it was more than just a moment, but I’m fine now.   
Brian nodded.  
“So stand up.”  
Justin looked at him, and then looked down at the drop he’d have to make to get off the table, and frowned.   
”Mmmmmm hmmm,” Brian turned his attention to the doctor. “Could you do me a favor and look at his feet.”

The doctor turned his attention to the bottom of Justin's feet, and after examining them under a lighted magnifying glass he swiped the bottoms with disinfectant, gave a shot of local anesthetic and went to work digging out the shards and slivers of glass.

Justin didn’t feel anything due to the shot, but he still couldn’t bear to watch. He turned his head and Brian held his hand over Justin's eyes for him. Trying not to laugh at the drama queen reaction. 

When the doctor declared that he needed Justin to remove his pants so he could check on his knees Justin hesitated.

“My knees are fine”  
“Twat.” Brian whispered softly into his ear.  
Justin sighed and removed his pants, feeling somewhat embarrassed sitting in nothing but his underwear. The doctor checked the scrape on his thigh, and then he moved on to Justin's knees, which he cleaned gently, watching as the boy winced.

Brian tightened his grip a little around the waist, still saying nothing. The doctor repeated the procedure he’d done on Justin's feet, but without an anesthetic, as the cuts weren’t as deep.

He glanced up from his work once and wondered who was in more pain, Justin, who was wincing audibly, or Brian who looked as if he might simply scream at any moment. But they both made it through okay.

He moved on to listening to Justin’s heart rate etc. and glanced down at his chart. Now if you could just step on the scale for me.

Brian saw the mutinous look cross Justin's face, and set his jaw. 

”You’ll be okay to stand now, and your feet should still be numb.”  
Justin lowered himself off of the table slowly, and the doctor handed him his pants. Justin had been dreading this. He knew he’d lost some weight, but he really didn’t know, or want to know how much. He stepped on, holding his breath.   
The Doctor set the scale, and couldn’t get a read; he moved the main bar lower, and finally got the scale to balance.  
He measured his height and wrote that down too.   
“I’d like to have some blood work done,” he looked at Brian, I know Justin doesn’t have insurance and some of these tests can be…”  
Brian interrupted him. “Do what you have to do, I’ll pay for it.”  
The doctor nodded, my nurse will be back in a moment to take the blood then Justin I’d like to talk to you in my office, Brian you can join us if Justin says it’s okay.

Brian had no intention of letting Justin say otherwise, but he just nodded.

While they waited for the nurse Justin tried. “Brian, I’ll be okay, he probably just wants to tell me that I should get an HIV test if I’m hanging around with you.”  
“Three years since your last physical? You’re supposed to get tested every six months.”  
Well, I didn’t count clinic blood tests when the nurse asked.  
Brian shrugged; “they’re doing one anyway.”

After the nurse took the last vial of blood Justin stood back up, and felt his head start to spin. But he righted himself quickly and pushed his feet into the sneakers and socks that Brian had finally returned to him. 

When they were both sitting in the office the doctor started to ask Justin some questions. “Have you been having trouble eating or sleeping lately?”  
Justin was trying to crack the knuckles on his right hand but having difficulty because he usually did it with the palm of his left, which was now bandaged and still sore.  
“I was, I was um…suffering some stress.”  
Brian decided now was not the time to interrupt.  
“I’m a little worried about your weight.”  
“Well, I have been eating mostly junk…”  
“No Justin, you’re not overweight, you’re pretty severely underweight. You’re currently tipping the scales at 118 lbs.”  
Brian took a sharp intake of breath. “Jesus fucking Christ!”   
“Brian calm down, we both knows I’ve lost weight, it’s okay, I’ll start eating better.”  
The doctor nodded, that’s a start, but I’m concerned about the possibility of anemia, as you seem to have bruises that are clearly from last night’s incident but also a few older ones as well. The doctor then began to ask a series of extraordinarily personal questions that made Brian want to hit him in the face and Justin want the floor to open up and swallow him. When Dr. McKenzie was satisfied that Justin wasn’t in any immediate danger of being beaten or fucked to death, he wrote out a couple of prescriptions. One for a multi vitamin, one for Ambien, which he assured Justin was less addictive than Xanex and shouldn’t cause any allergy issues, but would help him actually achieve REM sleep. 

Then he made the suggestion that Brian was hoping for and Justin was dreading.

“Justin, you’re obviously having some difficulties due to stress and some recent lifestyle changes. I would like to strongly recommend that you talk to a professional counselor about these issues.”  
Justin said nothing, took the scrips and simply walked out. Brian paid the nurse at the front desk, and followed him to the car.

Brian drove and Justin tried to wipe the tears without Brian noticing.  
“Allergies?”  
“Yeah, something like that.”  
“Why don’t you tell me what you’re thinking.”  
“I’m thinking that I’m going to miss you.”  
“Am I going somewhere?”  
”Brian stop it.”  
They were at a stoplight and Brian looked over at Justin. “Why are going to miss me?”  
”Because I know that I have to leave, that you want me to leave. That I’m more responsibility than you want, or can handle.”

Brian clenched his jaw and drove the rest of the way in silence.  
Justin’s heart was breaking but he held back any more tears, trying to figure out where he was going to go. 

When they finally got back to the house the remnants of the previous night were still obvious. Magdalena wasn’t due until Tuesday.

Brian took Justin by the wrist and walked him into the den. He sat him down on the sofa and started pacing in front of him. He was trying to collect his thoughts, he’d been trying to do this all morning, nothing had worked. He wanted to say something glib, something snide, something that would make how he felt clear without forcing the point, and finally he stopped and looked at Justin, who was still staring at his hands.

“I love you.”  
Justin looked up. “What?”  
”You’re gonna make me repeat it?”  
Justin shook his head.   
“I’m going to repeat it anyway, and I’m going to talk, actually talk to you, and you’re going to listen, okay?”  
Justin was still looking at his hands, refusing to meet Brian's eyes.   
Brian took a step closer, and put his hand under Justin’s chin, until they were looking at each other. “Okay?”  
Justin nodded.

“Okay.” Brian took a deep breath, not sure how to start this, or where it would end.  
“I love you.”  
“You said that already.”  
“Shut up, I said I’d talk and you’d listen. I want you to be okay. I want you to be happy, and healthy and understand that I don’t want or need perfect. I spent a long time trying to make everyone believe that what I wanted and needed was just me, and my ability to take care of myself.   
I spent a long time lying to a lot of people, mostly to myself, but Justin, you never let me lie to you, even when I tried, you called me on it. You’ve known how I feel about you, and what I need longer than I have. And you do a fucking fantastic job of providing me with everything I need when you’re taking care of yourself. That’s because…”

Brian stopped, trying to find the words, well better words, different words, words that weren’t this naked and raw, but he didn’t have any.

“Because the only thing I actually need is you. I don’t want you to leave, and in fact, I can’t let you leave because that’ll fucking end me, so drop that line of thinking right now. What I do need is for you to be okay, and I know you’re not.”

Justin looked up quickly about to deny that he was anything other than fine.

“Don’t fucking try to lie to me now, because I’m not going to accept the lies anymore. We’re going to do something new. We’re going to have rules that YOU are required to stick to. You’re going to eat, and you’re going to sleep, you’re going to take care of yourself and you’re not going to try to pretend that you’re okay when you’re not. You’re going to let me help and you’re going to let me take care of you while you can’t.”

Justin tried to speak again and Brian put his hand up to stop him.   
“I don’t know where or when you got this obsession with everything being perfect, and I don’t think that we can fix what’s broken in you in a single day, or with a single conversation, but we’re going to talk, honestly from now on. No more pretending that you’re fine, no more lying about what’s wrong, or how wrong it is. You’re fucked up. I get that. You’re scared. I get that too. But no more lying.”

There was silence and Brian kneeled between Justin's knees. “You can talk now,” he whispered.

Justin looked up. “I’m making you miserable.”  
“No you’re not.”  
”I’m making you worried.”  
”Yes you are.”  
”You shouldn’t have to worry about me.”  
“I always have. I have worried about you since the first time I dropped you off at school and realized that you had to face an entire locker room full of boys who would happily kick your ass just for being who you are.   
I’ve had a million reasons to worry about you every day since then and I’ve pretended it didn’t matter. Pretended it didn’t hurt to watch you hurt, that I didn’t die a little when you didn’t need me. I’m fucked up, and pathetic but I like you being around, and I like taking care of you, and I like that you take care of me, and I do notice it, all the small things you do to make my life more comfortable, but you’re doing them at the expense of your own health, and that, I. Will. Not. Accept.”  
“I love you so much Brian that it scares me.”  
“Yeah, well it scares me too.”  
“Are you sure you want me to stay.”  
“Are you being dense on purpose?”  
”I just don’t understand why you’d want a basket case like me around.”  
“There’s lots of reasons, and the astounding blow jobs are just one. The others are a little more pathetic, and sappy.”  
”Are you going to make me go to a shrink?”  
”I can’t make you do anything, but I think you should, it won’t be like the useless fuck your mother took you to, but I want you safe, I want you healthy and I want you around, for a long time.”  
“I’m not going anywhere if you don’t want me to.”  
”But you’re killing yourself Justin. You don’t eat.”  
”I’m not hungry.”  
”I understand that but Justin, you’ve dropped a lot of weight, you’re hurting yourself, and not just last nights meltdown.”  
“It was just an….”  
“Don’t try to downplay it, I was there, you imploded and then collapsed, you had a Chernobyl level meltdown, you could have hurt yourself much more than you did. And even if you hadn’t, you’ve been spiraling for weeks, maybe even months.”  
Brian picked up Justin's right hand, which was clenched in a fist. “Straighten your fingers.”  
Justin did his best to flex his hand, biting his lip to hold back the wince; his fingers were stiff this morning.  
“You’re lying right now. You won’t admit that hurts.”  
“It’s not so bad.”  
”Justin!”  
Justin flinched from the sound.  
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to scare you, but this has to stop, the lying has to stop. You’re not okay; you’re not ‘fine’. You’re nowhere close to it, and that’s okay, but you have to stop with the fucking lies. You’re not protecting me from anything, and you’re hurting yourself trying to.”  
“But if you know how fucked up I am, you won’t want me. You want pretty things, perfect things. You deserve the best.”  
“You are pretty, you are the best, and no, you’re not perfect but hell, fuck if any of us are.”  
Justin sat in silence for a moment.  
Brian was trying to be open and honest, which were two of his least favorite things to do when it came to talking about emotions, but he couldn’t let Justin leave, he couldn’t have Justin not be here, and he had no idea how to convince the strongest person he knew that he needed his strength, and his imperfections, and his sunshine smile, and his annoying inability to decide on a type of pasta and his perfect ass, all of it in bed with him at night or he couldn’t sleep.

“I can’t sleep without you drooling on my shoulder.”  
Justin smiled. “You really want me to stay, even if I’m crazy?”  
”Justin, you are batshit insane, and I can’t live without you in my life.”  
“You’re going to deny all of this later aren’t you?”  
”Most of it, but the part where you eat, you sleep, and you don’t lie to me, those parts are staying.”  
“What about the part where I give amazing blow jobs?”  
”That parts true and you know it.”  
“Why do you get to set all the rules?”  
”Because I’m not the one with the multiple injuries from his recent eschewing of sanity.”  
“You can’t just make rules for me, you’re not my dad.”  
“No, I’m not, because unlike your dad I have a vested interest in your well-being. I actually care if you live or die. I also care if while you’re busy not dying you’re happy.”  
“Are you happy Justin?”  
”Right now? Yeah. I think I am.”  
“Are you going to stay with me?”  
“Yes.”  
“Are you going to take better care of yourself?”  
“Do I have a choice?”  
”No.”  
”Justin, I’m so sorry I let you fall so far, I should have caught you sooner.”  
“It’s my fault Brian I…”  
“Let’s not do the blame thing, just understand that I won’t let you fall again, I promise, but I can only keep that promise if you stop lying to me.”  
“I never really lied.”  
“Yes, you did, and lies by omission count.”  
“I won’t lie to you again.”  
“And I will listen when you try to tell me what’s wrong. I know I’m not the easiest person to talk to, but I’ll try.”  
Justin bit his lower lip.   
“What?”  
”I just don’t want to bother you with my problems.”  
”Justin, have you seen the kitchen? We’re out of dishes. You broke them all. Have you seen your hands, your knees, your feet? It bothers me more when you don’t tell me your problems.”  
Brian leaned up and kissed Justin, moving his body until he was straddling Justin's lap, kissing him passionately, his hands in Justin's hair, feeling the blondes mouth respond to his, feeling his body respond to his.   
Brian pulled back. “No more lying?”  
”No more lying.”  
“Promise me.”  
“I promise, no more lying.”  
“Okay then, want to go back to bed?”  
Justin nodded. “But Brian, I’m not really tired.”  
Brian laughed as he helped Justin up the stairs. “I didn’t say you had to start sleeping right now.”

And in fact it was quite a while before either of them drifted off into a sated sleep, and for the first time in a long time, not only did Justin feel truly safe again in Brian's arms, Brian truly felt as if he was able to keep Justin safe in his embrace.


	2. All Mistakes are Temporary II

Justin moved slowly, as he headed towards the bathroom. His body felt as if he’d just run a marathon, or been in a fight, and he grimaced as he realized that maybe he’d just done both. His feet still hurt especially against the cold tile floor and he realized that a bath was probably a safer option than a shower. 

Brian appeared in the doorway just as the water filled the tub. He dropped his jeans and lowered himself in, pulling Justin in with him. They both laughed.

Justin leaned against Brian's chest and felt the older man’s arousal as he pulled his body to him. Brian picked up the bar of soap. “Shhhh” he whispered in Justin's ear, although he hadn’t made a sound. “Let me take care of you.” And he began moving the soap across Justin's chest, making lazy circles of suds. His hand moved lower and Justin let out a little moan.

Justin turned his body, wrapping his legs around Brian's waist and grinding their matching hard-ons against each other. Brian gently pushed Justin back until he was nestled into the nook in the tub, designed for just such a position. 

Justin’s hand dropped into the water and he winced, as the wound got wet. Brian lifted his arms, and put them on either side of the tub. “I’ll handle this.” And he hit the button that started the jets. Justin moaned again as the pressure of the water hit his back, and ran across his belly teasingly. He writhed a little under Brian's gentle ministrations. He was desperate for release but Brian put it off for a while as he continued to move the soap, hitting every spot on Justin's body, gently washing his knees, which were bruised and scabbed. Paying specific and careful attention to those areas that showed the damage from the previous day.

Eventually Brian lifted himself out of the tub and picked up Justin, who was now limp. “Putty in my hands.” Brian whispered into his ear, and carried him back to the bed, where he laid him down almost reverently, and watched as the sheets beneath him became a little darker with the dampness from his body. He then crawled across Justin carefully. 

Brian surveyed the almost entirely limp boy, and was gratified that there was one part of him that couldn’t be described as anything other that rock hard. He kissed Justin gently but passionately and then his mouth began to move lower, nuzzling at his neck, finding the spot on his right ear that with a simple tongue swirl could make Justin whimper. “Brian.” It came from the back of Justin's throat and Brian smiled and moved lower, focusing on Justin's nipples. “Mmmmmm, you know, I kind of miss you’re nipple ring.”  
“I’ll get it pierced again if you want.” Justin said, his voice shaking with desire.  
“I think you’ve done enough damage to your body at the moment.” Brian said, licking again at the ever-hardening nub. He moved his mouth to the other nipple, swirling and sucking but never biting. Justin's back arched, as his chest rose to meet Brian's mouth.

Brian moved slowly, savoring the clean and yet increasingly musky taste of Justin's skin. Kissing down his chest until he reached his navel. Brian slowly circled it with his tongue, sucking at it, and then plunging his tongue in the way he’d eventually plunge himself into Justin. Justin’s response was immediate and wanton, his head thrown back; he gripped the sheets beneath him, and cried out.  
Brian moved lower, licking just the tip of Justin's cock, watching a small bead of precum emerge, and then licking it again. He took the whole of it in his mouth, down to the base, and then slid his lips back up, releasing it.

“Brian!” this time it was pleading, almost a wail.  
Brian moved back up to Justin's mouth, kissing him, and then whispering, his hot breath against Justin's ear. “Shhhh, now I have to start all over.”  
Justin's eyes flew open, and he remembered their first morning back together. He moaned.  
Brian smiled, and began again at Justin's neck, moving slowly back to his nipples and Justin's body seemed to melt into the mattress, his hands raised above his head gripping the pillow with a death grip, trying not to spontaneously come as he watched Brian's head move slowly down his body.

Brian had no plans to do anything quickly. His movements were languid. It took all of his control not to simply plow into this beautiful blonde, whose very taste was more addictive than anything his disco-pharmacologist could provide, but he also knew that Justin was sore, that it would be a while before Justin was back on his feet, literally, and almost as long before he was back on his knees. This left Brian in control, a place that he was perfectly happy to be. He continued his torturously slow ministrations as Justin's body wriggled beneath his mouth and ever wandering hands. 

He positioned himself between Justin's legs, licking at Justin's thighs, his hands stroking the back of Justin's legs and rubbing his ass until he pulled his perfect thighs over his shoulders and he ran his tongue along Justin's crack. Justin pushed his body forward, and made a soft keening noise. Brian used his hands to open Justin just a little bit, letting his tongue flit over his puckered hole. Justin tried to buck, to impale himself of Brian's tongue, but Brian's soft hands were denying him such freedom of movement. 

Brian's tongue continued to tease Justin, licking and flickering against him until finally he plunged his tongue into the puckered ring. Justin's moan was deep, primal and involuntary. His body bucked with pleasure and Brian continued to fuck Justin with his tongue, while Justin tried to formulate thoughts, and then gave up and simply grunted with unrestrained pleasure. Brian's hand snaked around Justin's thigh and he simply covered Justin's hard member with it, not moving it, just letting Justin feel the heat. Justin tried to move against it, to generate the friction he so desperately wanted, but Brian lifted his hand just a little. Justin understood all too well the rules of this game and stopped moving; when he was still again Brian put his hand back down. Justin fought the urge to grind against it, knowing it would be counterproductive to his goals at this point.

Brian's tongue continued it’s little dance for a while until he couldn’t torture the boy any further.

He moved slowly, taking Justin back into his mouth, sliding his lips all the way down the shaft and back up again, and then raised his body over Justin, offering Justin's mouth a finger. Justin took it and sucked it as if it were Brian's cock, and then Brian offered him a second, and Justin understood, he sucked on them until Brian slowly put a third finger into Justin's mouth and Justin tried to hold back as he considered what was to come.

Brian’s wet fingers moved down his side, and Justin lifted his hips and Brian moved them along his ass, and slowly he pushed one inside. Brian's mouth was back on the head of Justin's dick, sucking hard, but only at the head, his tongue running along the ridge, making painfully beautiful swirls on the sensitive flesh. Brian’s fingers were deep inside Justin now, and Justin's hips were riding them, as Brian's mouth opened and he let Justin thrust against the back of his throat, all the while fucking himself on Brian's fingers. Justin’s rhythm increased as his passion did until he couldn’t hold back any longer. When Brian felt the change in rhythm his free hand began to gently fondle Justin's balls, caressing them with deft fingers until Justin shot into his mouth, and he swallowed, continuing the movements of both hands, letting Justin come hard and long.

When he felt Justin's body relax, the entire body now looking like it was melting, he pulled off of him. Justin wanted to turn, to curl up against Brian but he wasn’t sure he could move, his legs were still shaking, his body so relaxed he felt boneless.

He turned his head and looked at Brian, who had a very satisfied grin on his face. Justin smiled back and Brian leaned in to kiss him.

As Brian moved to get closer to Justin, the blonde realized that Brian was still hard. He moved his body to get in better position to reciprocate the sensations Brian had just provided him, but Brian shook his head, moving his hand slowly down his own chest, Justin just watched with passion darkened eyes as Brian brought himself to orgasm, shooting against his own chest. “This one was all for you Justin.” He whispered and Justin knew that here, in this moment, he’d found perfection.

Lindsay was walking outside with Gus, listening to him ramble on about the exciting new adventures of Sam and Shelby when her phone rang. It was Melanie.   
“Don’t hang up.”  
Lindsay sighed, “What do you want?”  
”I want to talk. Just to talk.”  
“About what?”  
”About us.”  
“There is no us anymore Mel, there can’t be.”  
Melanie’s heart constricted at the resigned tone in Lindsay's voice as much as at the words, “There will always be an us because we have a family.”  
“Mel, I…”  
“Lindsay I’m sorry, and I know that nothing I say will make what happened okay, but this can’t go on, we need to be able to talk, I miss you and I miss the kids.”  
“You get them every other weekend.”  
“That’s hardly the same.”  
“Mel, what do you want me to say?”  
”Nothing, I don’t want you to say anything, I just wanted to know if maybe we could…”  
“Could what Mel?”  
“Could be friends.”  
Lindsay considered the words carefully. “I miss you Mel.”  
”Can we meet, somewhere public, just you and me?”  
“Not today, maybe later in the week.”  
“Whenever you say, I just want to see you.”  
Lindsay nodded, and then realized how silly it was to nod at a phone. “Do you want to talk to Gus?”  
”Of course.”  
“It’s momma.” Lindsay said as she handed the phone to Gus, who started the entire story about Shelby, the lizard, Sam and the ocean all over again.  
They continued to walk across the grass, JR on Lindsay's hip, Gus chattering away to his momma and Lindsay deep in thought.

Michael and Ben had to admit that they were impressed with what Ted and Blake had done with the place in such a short time. The floor plan was exactly the same as Deb’s but somehow they made it feel spacious and modern. The walls were all neutral shades of sand and beige, the kitchen had been completely redone in updated stainless steel appliances and Light marble countertops. They’d replaced all of the carpeting throughout the downstairs with a light hardwood that made the rooms flow together.

The furniture was contemporary but not obnoxiously so, (at least that’s how Ted put it).

The second bedroom had been converted into a study with cherry barrister bookcases and a large desk with state of the art computer equipment. Blake, it turns out was a bit of computer geek. There were actually two machines and two work areas because the least compatible thing about Blake and Ted were their computer preferences. Ted had always been a Mac user and Blake swore by his PC, and thus rather than try to compromise, after several heated debates, each had agreed to simply accept that the other was a freak, and created the two computer spaces.

The true owner of the house was Blue. The dog was protective of her house and owners and spoiled rotten. Michael and Ben found it cute, and obnoxious at the same time.

“So Justin just started breaking all the dishes for no reason?” Ted asked, “Wow, that must have pissed Brian off.”  
“He didn’t look pissed.” Ben said, “He looked fucking terrified.”  
“Brian, terrified? I don’t believe it.”   
“Trust me Ted.” Michael interjected, “I’ve seen Brian angry, this wasn’t anger.”  
“Well, Christ, is Justin okay?”  
Ben shrugged. “I guess we would have heard if he wasn’t”  
“Unless Brian is just pacing back and forth in a hospital refusing to call anyone”  
“Michael, stop that, Brian would call if something were really wrong.”  
”Would he?”  
Ben and Ted both seemed to consider the question for a moment.  
“He wasn’t scheduled to be in the office today, cause they would have just been coming back from New York last night, but he’s got a meeting with the Rapkins people tomorrow, I guess I can ask him if he’s okay then.”  
“Ask him if he’s okay?” Blake said, “Would he give you an honest answer.”  
They all looked at each other and in unison said “no.”  
And then they laughed.   
“Brian's been through worse than this with Justin, he’ll be okay.”  
”Ben, you didn’t see him when Justin was hurt, and that was before he admitted he even liked the kid, he was a wreck. What’s he gonna do if Justin really isn’t okay, send the kid packing and then go back to slowly killing himself?”  
“Michael, I don’t think he’d do that.”  
“Ben, I know Brian, he’d do that.”  
“I really don’t think so Michael, I mean Brian and Justin seem to be in a different place now.”  
“Yeah, I noticed.”  
“Michael, is there anything Brian and Justin could do that would make you happy?”  
”Well, Justin left for New York, that was a good start.”  
All three of them just stared at Michael. “Do you remember how Brian was while Justin was away?”  
Michael pouted, “I just don’t see what he sees in the little twink.”  
Ben laughed. “I think he’s gone beyond twink status at this point honey, they’ve been together for almost six years now, and Justin is an accomplished artist in his own right, did you see the article on him in the paper? He’s not in need of Brian's money, that’s for sure.”  
Michael just grumbled. And Ben leaned in and pulled Michael forward for a kiss, “Why don’ t you let Brian and Justin worry about Brian and Justin and you and I can find something else to worry about, I’ll even let it be your choice.”  
Michael gave a half smile, “I can pick anything I want to worry about?”  
”Sure.”  
“Well okay then.” And the subject moved off of Brian and Justin and on to far more interesting topics, like Ted and Blake’s consideration of showing Bluebonnet in the local dog show.

Justin woke up in a panic, but as he swung his legs to get out of bed he realized that there was nowhere to go. It still hurt to walk, some of the cuts on his feet had been pretty deep, and he was still pretty tired.

Brian walked into the room with a tray. “You’re up.”  
Justin took a deep breath. “Woke up scared.”  
“Are you okay now?”  
“Yeah, I think, just thought I’d try this new honesty thing.”  
“I like it.”  
Justin shrugged. “Besides, I’m stuck in bed cause of my stupid feet.”  
“It’s not your feet that are stupid.”  
Brian had been up for about an hour, and had used his time productively. He’d picked up the prescriptions at the nearest pharmacy, and then swept up the mess in the kitchen. He’d even managed to get rid of most of the blood in the foyer before making a couple of sandwiches.

“Here” he said, motioning with the tray “I brought you breakfast in bed.”  
“It’s 7:30 at night”  
“So it’s a late breakfast.”  
Brian put the tray down on the bed and sat on the other side of it.  
Justin looked at the sandwiches dubiously “what are the odds I’m gonna be able to get out of eating this?”  
”If you want something else I can order pizza or Chinese.”  
“That’s not what I meant.”  
“The last thing I remember you eating was pizza, the night before last. So the odds of you not eating anything are nil.”  
”I’m really not hungry.”  
“I understand that, but new rules say it doesn’t matter, you have to eat.”  
Justin picked up the top piece of bread from the sandwich and inspected the contents.   
“It’s turkey, just eat it.”  
Justin ate the bread in his hand, and Brian decided that for now, that would do.  
“I picked up those prescriptions the that Dr. McKenzie ordered.” Brian moved to the foot of the bed. “You’re supposed to put this on your feet knees and hand.”  
Brian began applying the antibacterial stuff to Justin's feet, which made him giggle. “Brian! That tickles.”   
“Sorry sunshine, doctor’s orders.”  
He tried to be careful but Justin’s feet were extraordinarily ticklish and the blonde was giggling by the time he was applying the stuff to his knees.  
“Christ, you really did a number on yourself.”  
“Well, I guess I don’t do things half way.”  
“Nope, that was a full-blown meltdown.”   
“It was stupid.”  
“Stupid happens.” Brian shrugged.   
Justin was eating the sandwich in component pieces. He would nibble on a slice of tomato, and then move on to a slice of turkey. Brian didn’t care how he ate it, so long as he ate.   
Once his knees were done Brian sat up on the bed and took a bite of the sandwich he’d made for himself. “Hey.”  
Justin looked up questioningly.  
“You gonna be able to keep this down?”  
”I’ll try.”  
“Do you realize that you’ve lost over 20 lbs in a little more than 3 months.”  
“Some people would kill to be able to do that.”  
”And some people can die from doing that.”  
“Brian I’m not gonna die.”  
“Not if I have anything to say about it, but I gotta ask you a question.”  
Justin just looked at him.  
“Was this ever on purpose, were you making yourself sick?”  
”What?”  
”The whole eating thing, was it a control thing or…”  
“I am not anorexic if that’s what you’re asking.”   
Brian just shrugged, he believed Justin, but so much of the research he’d done had pointed to the possibility he felt like he had to ask. “Are you lying to me?”  
”Didn’t I promise not to lie anymore?”  
”Yeah, but it’s such a longstanding habit with us.”  
“You know, I’m beginning to not like this whole ‘new honesty’ thing.”  
“You’d better get used to it, because I’m not letting anything like this happen again.”  
“You do know that you’re probably blowing this whole thing out of proportion, I mean you could be accused of queening out over it.”   
“Yeah well you weren’t there.”  
Justin took a deep breath, “I guess maybe I wasn’t.”  
Justin finished half of the sandwich and pushed the rest away, “Brian I really can’t…”  
“Okay, half is fine for now, you’ll be back up to your insatiable appetite eventually”  
Justin laughed, there are still some things I have an insatiable appetite for, and he leaned over Brian, as if to kiss him, but at the last minute grabbed his bottle of beer from the nightstand and downed most of the bottle in a single pull.  
Brian laughed.  
“C’mon, I’ll take you downstairs and we can watch a movie or something.”  
“You can’t carry me around, it’s pathetic.”  
“Well, you’re not walking on my hardwood floors with that goop all over your feet.”  
“So get me a pair of socks.”  
Brian handed a pair of socks and drawstring sweatpants to Justin. Justin pulled them on slowly, obviously still a little sore. Brian scooped him up and carried him to the den, while he protested, but not very adamantly.  
They spent the rest of the eveneing arguing over weather Luke and Leia ever had sex with each other, Brian believed that they did before they knew they were brother and sister, but Justin found it too squicky to contemplate and thus disagreed. 

It was well after midnight before Brian handed Justin an Ambien.

Justin wrinkled his nose at it. “I don’t want it.”  
“I wasn’t asking if you did.”  
“I’ll sleep fine.”  
“I’m taking the word fine out of your vocabulary, you’re no longer allowed to use it.”  
“You can’t just ban random words from my vocabulary.”  
“Sure I can, here’s a few, Fine, Sorry and Perfect.” All three, gone.”  
“Well, your Perfect cock is going to be sorry that it will never be granted entrance into my fine ass again if you’re going to be that way.”  
Brian laughed, “You really want to play that game?”  
”No. But I don’t want you to get to power hungry with this whole rules thing either.”  
“Okay, very few more rules, but taking your prescribed medication is one of them.”  
Brian put the pill on his tongue and wiggled it leaning in for a kiss.   
Justin looked at him “that’s gross.”  
Brian kissed him, passing the pill into Justin's mouth. “Gross?”  
“It’s more fun with E”  
“Well, we’ll try that on a day when standing isn’t more than you can handle.”  
“Brian.”  
“Mmmmmm?”  
“If I sleep tonight to I have to take one tomorrow too?”  
”We’ll see.”  
“Is that just what you’re saying so you don’t have to argue with me anymore?”  
”We’ll see.”  
”You’re enjoying this power thing way too much.”  
“We’ll see” Brian raised his eyebrows suggestively. He stood up, and carried his sunshine to bed. 

Brian went back downstairs to give himself a much-needed respite. He’d been on an emotional roller coaster for the last couple of days, and while he could keep a strong outward appearance most of the time, eventually he just needed some “Brian time”. He wasn’t at all sure he was up to the task he’d committed himself to, but he knew he wasn’t up to the task of losing Justin and so of the two, he picked the one that seemed easier. Didn’t make it actually easy though.

He lit a joint and sat in the dark, contemplating what to do next. It was a couple hours later that he finally slid into bed, Justin was sleeping hard, but not so hard that he didn’t curl up around Brian as soon as he was under the covers.

The next morning Brian had come to no conclusions except that he needed to take some time off. He called Cynthia. “Have the Rapkins people talk to Ted, and Bruce, he’s doing the buying for the TV spots anyway, and clear my calendar, I won’t be back 'til the 20th.” “Brian that’s 10 days.”  
“Wow, thanks, I was really having trouble with the math”  
“Are you okay?”  
”I’m fine.”  
“Is Justin okay?”  
“Justin will be okay, I just need some fucking time off, can you do that?”  
”Fine.”  
Cynthia hung up the phone and he thanked god that she was able to shrug off his moods after all these years, or he’d have spent a fucking fortune in flowers. 

Justin had caught the last half of the call. “You’re taking ten days off, can you do that?”  
”No, my boss will probably fire me.”  
Justin hit Brian with a pillow.   
He swatted it away. “It’s either that or I have to hire some big beefy nurse to carry you around the house…your choice.”  
“Would he be hot?”  
”No SHE wouldn’t”  
”So, you or nurse Ratchet, hmmmm.”  
Brian hit him with a pillow again, “Shut up and tell me what you want for breakfast.”  
“I…”  
Brian gave him a sharp look.  
Justin sighed, “Cereal’s fine.”  
Brian nodded and brought him a bowl of froot loops. Mocking him the entire time he ate them for both the name and the ridiculous colors that it turned the milk. “Only a fucking faggot would want pink milk for breakfast.”  
“I didn’t want pink milk, I wasn’t hungry”  
“For a guy who’s not hungry you sure are scarfing it down.”  
“Well I wasn’t hungry, then the fruity goodness got to me.”  
“You realize there’s no actual fruit or anything resembling fruit anywhere near that cereal right?”  
”Mmmmmm hmmm, your point?”  
Brian just rolled his eyes. “So, what do you want to do today?’  
“Promise you won’t get mad?”  
“No.”  
“Then I’m not telling you.”  
“Fine” Brian rolled his eyes, “I won’t get mad.”  
“I want to go through the stuff in the boxes. And why do you get to use the word fine if I don’t?”  
“Because I haven’t abused the privilege. And no, we’re not going through those boxes today. We will, but not today. What’s your issue with those fucking boxes?”  
”What’s yours? I’d think you’d want to get your stuff put away.”  
“It is, it’s put away neatly in all those boxes.”  
This time it was Justin who rolled his eyes. “Can you at least promise we’ll do it before you go back to the office?’  
“No.”  
“We will.”  
Brian just ignored him. 

They invited Lindsay over for the day, explaining that with Justin laid up he could probably use the company.   
Lindsay arrived a little after ten with JR. Gus wouldn’t be home from school until one, and then she promised to make them lunch, which was a great relief to Brian who had used up his entire cooking repertoire with the sandwiches and cereal.

Lindsay met Gus at the bus stop and brought him back to visit with his dad and Justin.

Gus made them watch the Empire Strikes Back again, and Lindsay agreed with Brian about Luke and Leia, which made Justin realize why it was the two had become such good friends in the first place. Once Gus fell asleep for his afternoon nap, which, he swore he was too old for until the moment his head hit the pillow, and JR was put down for a nap as well. Brian and Lindsay regaled Justin with stories of the insane people they’d roomed with in college. 

Justin loved to hear about Brian when he was younger; it made him feel somehow closer to him to think that he had once been a stupid kid, almost as stupid as Justin had been when he first met Brian.

Eventually Lindsay took the kids home for dinner and baths and Brian and Justin entered into a marathon game of monopoly that ended with Justin owning everything and Brian naked.


	3. All Mistakes are Temporary II

After five days together Brian and Justin were both sick. They were sick of strip monopoly, sick of strip trivial pursuit, (although Brian was surprised at how much useless knowledge the punk kid had in his head), and almost sick of each other.

The men were debating between Chinese and Pizza, and they were definitely sick of both of those options, but Justin still wasn’t okay standing for more than a few minutes at a time, which made cooking impossible. Lindsay was usually there to help with lunch, but they’d eaten just about everything edible in the house, and were out of ideas for dinner. Justin tried to say something about skipping dinner entirely but Brian's face made him stop mid sentence. He wasn’t in the mood to argue, he’d eat something, even if he couldn’t hold it down. It was still an effort.

They were arguing over nothing in particular when the doorbell rang.

“Mikey, so nice of you to stop by, uninvited.”  
“Well, we figured you would be sick of all your take out options so we brought you Burgers, and Fried chicken.” Michael raised the greasy bags and the chicken bucket enthusiastically.  
“And Thai” Ben said, leaning in with a bag.  
“Mikey, how nice of you to stop by uninvited.” this time there was no sarcasm in Brian's voice, and he moved to allow the couple entrance.

They followed him to the den.

“Well, if you brought the Thai food then let me provide…”  
Brian went into a drawer in his desk and removed the silver canister with a flourish   
“The Thai stick.”  
They laughed, and spread the food out on the coffee table while Brian expertly rolled a couple of joints.   
He took a toke and passed it to Michael who inhaled deeply and tried to stop coughing. “Shit, this is strong.”  
Brian said nothing but honestly wished that Mikey would remember that he only bought the good shit. Michael always ended up wasting the first toke. Michael passed it to Ben and Brian raised an eyebrow as he watched the professor take a healthy amount into his lungs. “Why professor, I didn’t know you indulged.”  
“I’m not this paragon of virtue you all seem to think.” Ben said smiling, as he passed the joint to Justin, who inhaled deeply and then passed it back to Brian.

Brian took a hit, and then another before passing it along, the second hit he shared with Justin, who shared it right back, until there was very little smoke to exhale.  
Brian loved getting stoned that way, more than just the almost kiss was the fact that the amount of oxygen one took in from someone else’s exhale just made the buzz hit faster and stronger.

“You know.” Ben started, “there are entire religions based around the use of marijuana to achieve a feeling of closeness and openness to the world around them.”  
Brian snorted, “Yeah, that’s why I get stoned, to be one with the world.”  
“You get stoned because then you don’t feel guilty about eating fried chicken.” Michael said.  
”That too.”  
Soon they were all baked, and digging into the billions of calories spread across the table.  
Ben was sitting next to Justin now, and trying to explain to him the importance of being balanced and centered. Brian was lounging on the floor, Michael leaning against him. “You know you’re boyfriend’s full of shit.”  
“He’s my husband.”  
”You know your husband’s full of shit.”  
“Yeah, I do.” Michael laughed,   
“You know your twink is a drama princess.”  
“He’s my…Justin.”  
“You know your Justin’s a drama princess.”  
“Yeah I do, I think he may have even graduated to drama queen last week.”  
Justin, hearing his name turned, and when he heard the last part of the sentence he stuck his tongue out at Brian, which struck the man as so funny he had a difficult time not laughing.  
Justin decided that if anyone could settle the argument about Luke and Leia, it would be Michael, so he brought up the subject. Which led to a long monologue by Michael about the force and how Luke would have instinctually known it wasn’t right between himself and Leia, and then he was putting in the DVD to illustrate his point with specific scenes. Which only made Brian glare at Justin, until they both started laughing.

Ben was still trying to prattle on about some deep spiritual bullshit but he got sidetracked by the idea of oneness with everything and started to go off on a tangent about oneness with people being different than oneness with inanimate objects or animals. Ben wasn’t making any sense, but Justin found it oddly calming to just listen to his voice, maybe it was because he’s heard no one’s voice but Brian's in so long.

“I’ve got it!”  
Brian yelled and Justin startled.  
“Do you have syphilis again?’ Justin asked, because if you do…” he waggled a finger at Brian.  
Brian dismissed Justin's finger waggling with a glance. ”I know what we should do with the dungeon.”  
“You have a dungeon?” Ben asked.  
“We have a parlor, but he likes to call it the dungeon, I think we should make it a library.”  
Brian threw down a piece of chicken, “if I keep eating like this I’m gonna get all old and fat, we need to build a gym.”  
“Yeah, but we should put it in the unfinished room in the attic, or finish out that part of the basement, we can’t turn the parlor into a gym.”  
”Why not?”  
Justin shrugged, “it’d be tacky.”  
“You think I’m tacky?” Brian tried to look hurt, he was honestly too stoned to be anything other than amused.  
“No I think….” Justin was seriously stoned, “fuck, I don’t remember what I think, but if it’ll get you to go through those boxes, I’ll say okay to a gym.”  
“We’ll just put the boxes in the attic.”  
“What boxes?” Michael asked.  
“Brian’s loft is in the parlor.”  
”I thought Brian's loft was here in the den.” Ben said.  
“No, this is loftesque. The actual stuff from his loft is in the parlor, and he won’t go through the boxes.”  
“There’s probably some really cool shit in there.” Michael said.  
“Nothing I need.” Brian shrugged.  
Michael rolled over so he was lying almost on top of Brian. “Brian, that’s your stuff, from your home, you’re just willing to give up all of that?”  
“Mikey, its just stuff, that I don’t think about until blonde boy over here starts nagging.”  
“I don’t nag, that’s your department.” Brian stuck his tongue firmly in his cheek and smiled. “You nag, you just don’t do it as well as I do.”  
”Pfft, you just think that you nag better because you think you do everything better.”  
“Not everything, you’re a much better…bottom.”  
Michael, in his hazy state of mind caught a nuance of this “better? As in you’ve compared?”  
”What?” Brian looked at Mikey. “Well if he’s better then you must know how you’d do so when do you ever bottom huh?”  
Justin smiled, wanting to se how Brian got himself out of this one, and Brian suddenly wondered when Michael had become insightful… he’d have to keep the good shit away from Mikey if he was going to actually start getting a clue when he was stoned.  
“In college” Brian said, rolling his eyes.  
Justin bit his lip, he would love to argue the point but if he ever ever ever wanted to fuck Brian again, he knew he could say nothing.  
“Oh” Michael said, letting the subject drop. Brian heard a sort of low murmuring sound, and realized Ben was still talking, at length, to no one in particular. “Christ, no wonder he’s tenured, anyone who can go on for that long about nothing must be a brilliant professor.”  
Now it was Michael’s turn to laugh uncontrollably. When he finally pulled himself together he said “well, he has equally good stamina in bed, so I just ignore him when he starts rambling.”  
Brian nodded knowingly. “I agree, when they start rambling in bed, it’s best just to ignore them or shut them up.”  
“Hey!” Justin said, “I don’t ramble.”  
“No, you babble.”  
“I don’t babble either.”  
“So then, Daph and I were going to the mall but she forgot all her money and my wallet was in the car but when we were checking out the stuff at banana republic we came across this killer sweater and I wanted it but she said it was better for her and then….” Brian rambled in a poor imitation of Justin, using a falsetto voice and a speaking manner more like Gus’s than Justin's.   
Justin threw a pillow at his head. “Like you never say odd things in bed.”  
Brian gave him a warning look.  
“What does he say?” Ben asked, pulled out of his little diatribe on the condition of the hybrid potato crops.   
Brian looked at Justin, waiting to see what he would reveal, as he casually took another hit, without removing his hazel eyes from the blue ones across the room.  
Justin shrugged. “Nothing, he just mumbles grocery lists and random advertising mottos in his sleep.” Brian smiled; sometimes having a …Justin who could lie well was handy.  
Michael shrugged, taking another hit before passing the weed back to Ben. “That’s nothing, I’ve heard him rattle off the entire starting lineup for the Steelers.”  
“When did I do that?”  
”One of those nights after seeing your dad.”  
Brian shrugged again. My dad would never shut up about the Steelers, it’s like he never got over that time during the war when there weren’t enough men so the Steelers and the Eagles had to merge. He talked about it like it was the fucking end of the world.”  
Brian sat up, reaching for something…he finally found it and took a long pull off a bottle of beam.  
Justin was going to say something about not drinking right out of the bottle but decided against it and went back to slouching, eyes half closed, and letting Michael and Brian reminisce. 

They did it oddly, Michael bringing up stories, Brian correcting his version of them, and then the two of them agreeing, seemingly only upon who they hated in school, (everybody), who they had thought was hot, (Patrick Hannigan and Tony Rinaldi), and which teachers were gay (the gym coach and their 11th grade science teacher). 

Justin was trying to pay attention but he couldn’t. “I need chocolate.” He said, getting up to go and find his stash in the studio. Brian would never admit it, but he couldn’t resist chocolate, and so every time Justin bought any it was gone, that’s when he’d started locking it in the studio fridge.

The minute he stood up he realized it had been a mistake. A pain shot through his foot. He sat back down.  
Brian looked at him suddenly concerned “Are we out of chocolate?”   
Justin laughed, “No, it’s in the studio fridge.”  
“Give me the key.”  
Justin shrugged “I think I left it upstairs.”  
Brian sighed “fine.” He got up and walked over to a videocassette box that was in the drawer under the TV. The case was for the movie “chocolat.”   
“Um Brian, I wanted actual chocolate, not a movie about a guy who eats chocolate, even if it is Johnny Depp.”  
Brian just looked at him and opened the case to reveal ghiardhelli dark and milk chocolate squares.”  
”You hide chocolate from me?”  
“You lock YOURS in the studio.”  
“That’s because you eat all of it if I don’t.”  
“You’re the one that eats all the chocolate, that’s why I hide mine from you.”  
“I can’t believe you’re keeping chocolate secrets, that’s just so wrong.”  
“And I can’t believe you won’t share your hazelnut milk chocolate bars with me, and keep them locked away, that’s wronger.”  
“Wronger isn’t a word.”  
They two continued to bicker until Ben broke in.  
“Hey, hey hey! You two are missing the most important point.”  
Both Brian and Justin looked towards Ben.  
”There is chocolate.”  
They both laughed, and Brian poured the silver and gold wrapped squares over the coffee table. They all leaned in to take one, and Brian padded up to the kitchen, retrieve glasses and the gray goose from the freezer. Some people insisted that chocolate went with milk; Brian knew better, chocolate required ice-cold vodka to be savored properly.

When they awoke the next morning they were both a little hung over.   
“Last night was nice, it’s good to see you and Michael getting along again.” Justin said  
“I think he may have actually grown up.”  
“Right because that was the problem HE was too immature.”  
“Are you calling me immature?”  
“Take it as a compliment.”  
”Whatever, I’m just glad Michael is off your case.”  
“Uggggh, I so don’t feel like getting out of bed.”  
“We don’t have to.”  
Justin moved himself against Brian, savoring the feel of their skin against each other. “Mmmmmm, you’re right we don’t. I don’t actually even remember coming to bed last night.”  
“That’s because you took your Ambien with a double vodka, and I had to carry you.”  
“Sorry.”  
“You’re not allowed to use that word.”  
“I apologize” he made each syllable distinct.”  
Brian kissed the top of Justin's head, because it was the part of him closest to his mouth at the moment. “I think the gym idea was actually a good one though”  
“I still think it should be in the attic room.”  
”Fine, but I want to get started, I can’t just skip the gym for weeks every time you have a breakdown.”  
Justin leaned up on one arm and looked at Brian. “Do you really think I’m gonna have another breakdown?”  
Brian shrugged, I’m just saying IF you did, I’d hate to get fat because of it, or lose my muscle tone.”  
Justin settled back onto Brian's chest. “So who does one call when one wants a state of the art work out facility installed into their home?”  
“One does NOT call Gregory, I don’t need all my equipment to be color coordinated and named after fruits and vegetables.”  
“I’ll do some research today after I’m done in the studio.”  
“The studio?”  
”Yeah, it’s been a while, and I really should start back to work, you know, there is the possibility that my things will sell enough to warrant a second show sometime in my life.”  
“But you’re not gonna do that thing again right?”  
”What thing?”  
Brian rolled his eyes, “That thing where you almost kill yourself.”  
“Oh, that thing…no, I tried that, it pissed a lot of people off.”  
“Okay you go work in the studio, I’ll research what we need for a good home gym.”

They both continued to lay in bed, neither moving.  
“You know, I think we actually have to get out of bed to do those things.”  
Brian rolled over on top of Justin, “then fuck the research and the studio.”  
Justin leaned up to kiss Brian, and was still amazed that even his hangover morning breath tasted sexy.

Hours later Justin went to the studio, his feet feeling a little better. He sat down and contemplated his next piece.

Brian tried to pretend that he was okay with Justin being in the studio again, he knew he should be, but he was still worried. He idly scrolled through the Williams Sonoma site until he found the pattern they had and ordered more dishes; he’d been meaning to do that for almost a week.

He really did think putting a gym in the house was a good idea, but he just couldn’t summon the energy to even start researching the project. He was deciding what the first step should even be when the phone rang.

“Were you even going to tell me something was wrong?”  
”Mother Taylor?”  
”Don’t play cute with me Brian, let me talk to Justin.”  
“He’s in the studio.”  
“Just go get him.”

Brian knocked on the door, but Justin probably couldn’t hear it, the music was blaring. He tried the knob. It was unlocked. Surprised, he walked in and handed Justin the phone, It’s your mother, she’s pissed. 

“Hi mom.”  
”Don’t hi mom me, when were you going to tell me?”  
”Tell you what?”  
“I was talking to Daphne and apparently you’ve been sick and didn’t bother to even let me know.”  
”I haven’t been sick, I had…” Justin wasn’t sure what he’d had.  
“I was exhausted, and I guess the pressure of the show got to me.”  
“Exhaustion does not cause you to require stitches in your hand, or for Brian to take ten days off to take care of you.”  
“He took off because he wanted a vacation.”  
“Justin don’t bullshit me, I’m your mother.”  
”Really? I’d forgotten.” Justin was trying for glib, Jennifer was in no mood.  
“I’m coming over to see you today.”  
“Today’s not good, I’m working.”  
“I thought you were taking time off.”  
“I took time off, now I’m back working.”  
Jennifer sighed, “Justin sweetie, I worry about you.”  
“I’m fine, I promise.”  
”Why don’t we meet for lunch tomorrow.”  
Justin's heart felt tight, his breathing shallowed. “Not tomorrow, we’ve got plans.”  
“Well, then Sunday lets have brunch.”  
“Okay why don’t you bring what’s his name here, we’ll have brunch, you’ll see I’m fine.”  
Jennifer was silent for a moment.  
“Mom?”  
”What’s his name and I aren’t together anymore.”  
“Good”  
“Justin.”  
”Right, I’m supposed to be upset by this. Lets pretend I am.”  
“Justin!”  
“What do you want me to say?”  
”Say that 11 is good for brunch.”  
“11 is good for brunch.”  
“See you on Sunday.”  
Justin limping only slightly brought the phone back to Brian. “We’re having my mother for brunch the day after tomorrow.”  
“Sunday brunch with the in-laws, how…”  
“It’s just her, she broke up with that kid.”  
Brian chuckled, “I can not believe you have an age issue thing after your mother was most un-mom like about you and your gross old boyfriend.”  
“No one ever thought you were gross or old.”  
”Right they just thought I was ‘inappropriate”  
Justin shrugged “You were, but that’s why you’re so very irresistible”   
Brian rolled his eyes, you know cute and flattering isn’t going to make me feel better about brunch with the mother in law.”  
“What would make you feel better about it?” Justin asked absently as he looked over Brian's shoulder at the gym equipment on the screen. “I like that one.” Justin pointed.   
“Good to know, and what would make me feel better is not having to be here.”  
“You don’t, she’s mad at me for not calling after the um…thing”  
“Thing?”  
The thing where I broke all the plates and lost my mind”  
“Oh, that thing, yeah, you probably should have called her, you’re a terrible son.”  
Justin laughed, “Fuck you, she’s madder at you.”  
“Oh, then I’ll definitely stay for brunch, nothing beats eggs benedict and nagging, they’re a magnificent combination.”  
”Shut up I’m gonna make a quiche.”  
“Well yeah, quiche and nagging complement each other well, um, what were you planning on using for plates.”  
“That’s kinda why I’m out here, we need to go back to the store.”  
”I just ordered them online, they’ll be here next week.”  
“Brian we’ve been eating off of paper plates all week, or out of take out boxes, I can not serve my mother brunch on paper plates.”  
“Can you serve her out of a takeout box?”  
”You know where there are probably dishes?”  
Brian gave him a warning glance, knowing where he was headed with this. “Where?”  
Justin leaned in and nibbled on Brian's ear, whispering “In the parlor.”  
“Fuck you” Brian swatted him away. “Go back to the studio, I’ll go buy us a fucking box of dishes, but now we’re going to have service for 16, and that’s just overkill.”  
Brian grabbed his keys and his wallet and headed to the garage.

Justin went back to the studio, he was going to stretch a canvas for a large piece, he felt like it had been years rather than just days since he’d last been in the place, but that was also because sometime in the past week Brian had let the Magdalena in and everything was so neat, all the overflowing ashtrays and empty water bottles were gone.

The room was dusted, and everything was put where it belonged. Justin lit a cigarette, grabbed a bottle of water and locked the door. He lost himself in thought as he stretched the canvas. Brian obviously had some issue about the boxes, or what was in them, and Justin was too curious to let it drop, but he wasn’t sure how far he could push him right now. He’d put him through a lot since they’d been back together. On the other hand, he really thought a library would go well in that space. Much better than some dusty old boxes full of god knows what.

Justin pulled the quiche out of the oven; his feet practically healed now. He was cutting up some fruit, and pouring the juice from the carton into a pitcher when the doorbell rang.

Brian opened the door to an ambush.

Justin served the food and they were all sitting and eating in silence when Debbie started. “When the fuck were you going to tell us?”  
“Deb,” Jennifer put a hand on her arm,   
“No, fuck respecting their privacy, Brian, you should have told us.”  
Brian had been waiting for the outburst, the moment he saw Deb at door with Jennifer he knew that this may be more of a lynching than a brunch. He would have left if he didn’t think that they’d simply jump on Justin instead, and while he seemed to be recovering, Brian wasn’t sure how much double team mothering Justin was up for, so he threw himself on the grenade.  
“I had it under control.” He said keeping his expression blank.  
“Brian, no one doubts that you think you can control everything but I’m his mother, I had a right to know.”  
“What was I supposed to do Jen?”  
“Well, you could have tried a fucking phone call asshole” Deb broke in “I had to hear it second hand from Ben.”  
“So are you worried about Justin or just pissed off that you were out of the loop?”  
”Both!”  
“Honestly Brian” Jen cut in “you could have called. I would have been happy to help.”  
Brian rolled his eyes, “I was busy.”  
”Busy taking care of Justin. I’m his mother, I could have helped.”  
Justin sat in silence toying with the food on his plate. “I’m fine.”  
“Oh sweetheart we know you’re fine now, but we’re still worried. I was thinking maybe you should go see a counselor.”  
Brian’s watched Justin react, he withdrew into himself. Brian had brought up the idea of making an appointment with a counselor earlier in the week, and had been making some progress towards getting Justin to agree. All of his progress disappeared the second Jennifer mentioned it.  
“I’m not going to see a counselor, I’m doing just F…” he glanced over at Brian. “I’m doing very well thank you all for caring.” Justin's voice was cold and clipped.  
“Hell Sunshine, you’ll be great, your stronger than anyone gives you credit for.” Deb broke in.  
“I still think maybe you need to see a professional.” Jennifer said softly.  
“Mother Taylor” Brian said, trying to keep his voice neutral. “Why don’t you just drop the counselor thing, it’s Justin’s decision.”  
Jennifer sighed, but dropped the subject, recognizing that she’d hit a nerve.  
And with that both Debbie and Jen turned their attention back to Brian.  
Almost ten minutes later Justin couldn’t take it anymore, Brian’s patience was coming to an end, all the warning signs were there, his eyes dark, his jaw clenched and his expression blank, and getting more bland by the second. Everyone was so sure that he was crazy, that he was some little kid who couldn’t take care of himself. How did this become Brian’s fault, he was the one who fucked up. Justin pushed himself away from the table.

“I’m fine! Brian’s the reason I’m fine, maybe the only reason, and the two of you can’t leave him alone. Why don’t you leave us alone, just leave!”  
Justin was almost crying, when he stormed off.

The scene struck a painfully familiar chord with Brian who followed Justin upstairs.

He found him sitting on the edge of the bed, crying, his body shaking. Brian put the violent thoughts about what he’d like to do to Deb and Jennifer to the back of his head as he sat down next to Justin. “You here?”

Justin looked up, wiping his eyes with the edge of his sweater. “What? Oh, yeah, I’m here.”  
”Mothers, they just never give up.”  
Justin gave a half smile “Why do they always blame you?”  
“Cause it’s usually my fault?”  
”Oh yeah, I forgot abut that.”  
“Twat.” Brian pulled Justin against his side, “you want me to get rid of them?”  
“You know they’re not going to leave until they see I’m okay.”  
“I can get rid of them.”  
“Brian you can’t have my mother and Deb killed.”  
“Are you sure, I mean, I know people, who know people.”  
Justin laughed again, leaning up to kiss Brian, “I’m fairly certain I don’t want them whacked.”  
Brian leaned back against the bed, and Justin crawled on top of him, his need apparent in his every move and kiss.

Within moments, he pulled off his sweater, and then began to tug on Brian's. Brian raised his arms over his head to assist the blonde. Soon Justin was kissing down Brian's chest, nibbling and sucking on his abdomen, watching his muscles contract as he continued to kiss him.  
Brian moaned, and pulled Justin back up to his mouth, grinding himself against the smaller man, feeling him respond with enthusiasm.

Justin climbed over Brian grabbing a condom out of the drawer, he returned, straddling Brian, and undid the man’s fly. When Brian's cock was free of his pants, Justin opened the condom wrapper with his teeth, and slid it onto Brian's stiff member.

Then he raised himself up on his knees, not feeling any residual pain, focusing on nothing but his immediate need, and as soon as he had lowered his pants enough he impaled himself on Brian, leaning forward to kiss him, and then sitting back up and riding him with an urgency they both felt. Before long Justin had his fist around himself, Brian's fingers intertwined with his as he came. Brian felt Justin's body convulse, and watched as he threw his head back in release, the tears gone, his eyes wide and his lips parted and red.

Brian came just moments afterwards as he thrust again into Justin.

It took another minute for Justin's breathing to return to normal. He leaned in and kissed Brian again, murmuring, “thank you” into his ear.

When they came back down to the dining room they both looked a little rumpled, but far more relaxed. Brian smiled and took his seat; Justin cleared the plates and took requests for coffee or tea.

As he was making the coffee Brian kept ear to the kitchen, but allowed the two women to chastise him a little longer before he interrupted them. “Justin’s doing his best, he just needs time, sorry if you feel left out but he’s a grown man, if he wanted to tell his mommy, he would have.”  
Jennifer opened her mouth to reply but Brian interrupted her. “Excuse me while I go help Justin with the coffee.”

Deb looked at Jennifer and shrugged, “he’s got a point, Sunshine is a grown man.”  
“He’s still my son.”  
“And you know I feel like he’s mine too but what are you going to do? He’s got Brian, he’s always gonna turn to Brian.’  
“You told me once Brian would finish with him.”  
“I was wrong, Brian’s grown up recently too if you haven’t noticed, they kinda grew up together.”  
Jennifer sighed, “He’s still my little boy.”  
“I know.”  
They sat in silence listening to the muffled clatter of dishes in the kitchen.  
“You don’t think that they….” Jennifer trailed off.  
”What, did a little fucking and sucking while they were upstairs? If they didn’t Brian’s changed more than I thought he could.”  
Jennifer rested her head in her hands, “Am I ever gonna get used to this?”  
Deb shrugged, “I don’t know, but if you don’t, you’ll never get to see your son, and is that what you really want.”  
Face still in her hands Jennifer shook her head, and then straightened her shoulders and met Justin's smile with one of her own when he and Brian returned with the coffee.  
“Brian, I’m sorry, I do trust you, and sweetie…” she turned her attention to Justin, “I just worry about you, I’m a mom, it’s what I do.”  
Justin walked around the table and kissed her cheek. “Thank you.”  
He leaned over and kissed Deb as well, “both of you.”

While Justin and Brian were facing the wrath of the mothers at brunch, Lindsay was dealing with her own issues, having agreed to meet Melanie for lunch. She left Gus with Michael and Ben, who were already watching JR and drove to the restaurant Mel had chosen, unsure of what to expect, or what she was going to say.


	4. All Mistakes are Temporary II

The restaurant was quiet, so were Mel and Lindsay, neither wanted to be the first one to speak.

The waiter left the breadsticks and poured the wine they’d ordered, as they continued to sit in silence, studying their hands, the menu, the fringe on the curtain pull, anything to avoid eye contact.

“I’m sorry.”  
Lindsay looked up, exasperated. “Stop saying that, it doesn’t help.”  
“What would?”  
“A time machine.”  
“I left that in my other purse.” Melanie tried for humor, and missed the mark.  
“Mel, I know you’re sorry, you’ve always said you’re sorry, the words mean nothing anymore.”  
Melanie sighed, “I just want us to be able to talk.”  
“So talk.”  
“I’m working for legal aide.”  
“That’s nice, you’ll really be able to do some good there.”  
”I hope so.”  
“Why didn’t you just go back to your old firm?”  
”I’m trying to make some changes. And I’m seeing someone.”  
Lindsay was silent.   
“Oh, no, not like that, I mean I’m seeing a therapist, well, a new therapist.”  
Lindsay smiled half heartedly, “I think that’s great.”  
”She’s helping, with the anger, and the…”  
“Violence?”  
”Yeah, with the violence. It’s been tough to admit to myself let alone anyone else that I did that to you, that I became that person. I’m on some meds now too, I think they’re working.”  
“That’s good.”  
“I just want to be able to see you, to pick up the kids at your place and not have to make the swap in a ‘neutral environment.”  
“Ben and Michaels is hardly like having to pick them up at the Family Services building.”  
“You know what I mean.”  
“I do, but I don’t know how comfortable that would be considering…” Lindsay trailed off.  
“Brian.”  
Lindsay nodded, “You know Brian Mel, he’s very black and white about things, and I don’t know how he’d feel about you coming to see Gus at the house.”  
“I thought you weren’t living in the house.”  
“I’m not, but I’m living in a house across the lawn, and Brian has been spending a lot of time with Gus and JR, he’s really a part of their lives now.”  
“Fucking Brian.”  
“Mel.”  
”Sorry, I’m working on it, it’s just difficult to understand how you can always defend that…”  
Lindsay stopped her. “It’s time to change the subject, because I’m not having this argument again, we’ve been having it for 10 years, and it’s not going to change. Brian is part of my family. I’m not going to say another word about it.”  
“So how’s Gus doing in Kindergarten?”  
”He’s loving it, and I’m running out of room on the fridge.  
“So do you have any idea what the pictures are?”  
”Sometimes I think I can make out a tree, but if I mention it, I’ll find out it’s a dog, or a house.”  
Melanie laughed. “I’ve got plenty of room on my fridge if you need to annex some space.”   
“I’ll send some of his work with him next weekend.”  
“I’d like that.”  
“So what’s going on over at legal aide?”  
”Same old bullshit, people are trying to protect themselves and getting screwed over. I’m doing a lot of landlord tenant mediation.”

The conversation began to flow once they got past actually addressing their issues, and when Mel leaned in to give Lindsay a peck on the cheek as they said goodbye, Lindsay didn’t flinch.

“She’s WHERE?”  
”Stop yelling.”  
Justin had forgotten that Brian didn’t know about Melanie and Lindsay's scheduled meeting, and when he mentioned it after Deb and his mother left, he should have been prepared for the outburst, but he wasn’t.  
“I’m not yelling. Where were they meeting?”  
Justin shrugged, “Some restaurant, a ‘neutral setting’ is how Lindsay put it.”  
Brian shook his head and poured himself a scotch. “She’s gonna get back together with Melanie.”  
“I don’t think so.”  
Brian didn’t say another word, he sat, pouring himself another and trying to think. He’d always hated Sundays.  
His brain was spinning but his face remained blank. Justin knew the look well, and kissed Brian on the cheek.  
“I’m gonna go do some work.”  
Brian nodded absently, and then glanced at the clock. It was only two in the afternoon. “Dinner at eight.”  
Justin wasn’t ready to try their negotiation banter at the moment. The restrictions Brian was putting on his work, and his time were starting to grate on his nerves but he knew the man well enough not to enter a power struggle when he was mid brood. “Eight” Justin repeated and disappeared into the studio, lighting a cigarette as soon as he entered and contemplating the work he’d already accomplished on the piece.

Brian tried to pull his anger apart. It was something he’d learned years ago, when you were angry with too many people or situations at once, there was no way to manage the pain. No amount of drugs, or alcohol or sex could help. But if you separated the issues, made sure you knew exactly whom you hated, and why, then you could drown each one. Bury it deep beneath the joy of the orgasm, or the numbing relief of killing brain cells. He started with Melanie, she was easy for him to hate, she hurt Lindsay, she upset Gus, she was no better than his father. He poured himself another.  
The rest was harder to untangle. He wasn’t angry with Justin, well, not as angry as he was scared for him.

Justin was putting up a good front. He realized he’d pushed too hard, and he seemed to recognize the danger he’d put himself in. But Brian wasn’t naïve enough to think that a couple of days of bed rest and some takeout had fixed the problem. The medication helped him sleep but he still woke up with nightmares sometimes. Brian still watched him crack his knuckles as if that was the key to all his problems. He’d seen Justin take on that same possessed look while getting brunch ready that he’d had the night of the dinner party. So whom do you hate when the person you need in your life isn’t okay? 

This was the one Brian had been struggling with. There was no one to punch, no one to hate, and no easy solution. Brian tried not to think about it, he lit a joint.

There was Jennifer. He wanted to scream, to stand in her face and yell that she wasn’t helping, but she wasn’t trying to hurt Justin. She didn’t understand his aversion to therapists. They had been a symbol that something was wrong with him, when she first took him to one, as if there were something that needed fixing. And after the bashing all they had done was try to bring up pain he didn’t want to feel, and then try to get him to accept the unacceptable, that his show of affection to the man he loved led to a bat to the head.

In retrospect, beating the shit out of every snotty straight guy he could find with the pink posse probably was far more therapeutic than anything any of those fuckers told him after the bashing. “Including me” Brian thought to himself, as he remembered all of the times he’d told Justin to simply forget about it, put it behind him, move on. He shook his head and started looking through the top cabinet of the entertainment system. It was barely reachable by Justin, and thus totally out of reach of Gus and JR. He found the vial and took a quick snort. He didn’t use coke often, but there were times when feeling wired, without quite remembering why, was the best defense. 

Moments later he felt a little better, and he stopped trying to pull apart the pain into separate piles, instead he simply forgot about the glass, and drank the scotch straight from the bottle while watching East of Eden and muttering every line under his breath with the actors.

Justin found him at eight, passed out on the sofa, the empty bottle laying discarded on the floor. He picked up the vial and put it away. The movie had been over for a while, but he hit play again, hoping that the soothing and familiar words would penetrate Brian's inebriation enough to make him feel a little more in control. 

Justin knew this mode of pain management well; he’d seen it often over the years. It only happened when Brian couldn’t control the things that were wrong, the things that were hurting the people he cared about. Justin knew rationally that this was about Melanie and Lindsay as well as himself, but he couldn’t help feeling that if he had just been better about hiding it, better about taking care of it himself, or strong enough to leave, Brian wouldn’t be doped to the gills and passed out in his own house unable to figure out what to do next.

He sat on the other side of the sofa and watched the movie, debating what to do to help the man lost in his own pain on the sofa, but it wasn’t his own pain, he took on everyone else’s, and that’s why it became too much for him to handle.

Justin went back into the studio and grabbed a sketchpad and a couple of pencils. He turned his back to the movie and sketched Brian as he slept, mouth open, arm flung off the couch, sounds that were almost but not quite snores rattling in the back of his throat, wearing a white t-shirt and black jeans, shoeless, Justin lost himself in capturing the peace in his easy grace that juxtaposed the slight furrow of his brow, which the artist knew meant that even copious amounts of scotch and pot, helped along with coke, had not managed to permanently kill the demons this man was currently fighting.

Brian woke up with a start several hours later to find Justin sitting on the floor, knees pulled up, sketch pad resting on them, his tongue sticking out just a little as he concentrated.

“Shit you’re drawing me like this.” He ran a hand over his face and through his hair.  
“You’re awake.”  
“Perceptive.”  
Brian checked his watch, it was after 11  
“Did you eat something?”  
Justin wanted to say yes, but he had promised not to lie anymore. “Do you want something?”  
”Not hungry thanks. Did you eat something?” Brian wasn’t so far gone he missed the fact that Justin hadn’t answered the question.  
“I’ll eat tomorrow it’s bad to eat this late at night.”  
Brian looked at Justin and wanted to argue but was too tired. He shrugged, “kill yourself, I’ll only miss you a little.” And with that he sat up and hit the remote to change from the DVD player to regular TV.  
Justin sighed, and came back downstairs with two apples and a handful of cheese cubes. He handed Brian one of the apples. “You haven’t eaten either.”  
Brian took a bite, and relaxed back onto the sofa, his feet on the coffee table.

Three days later Brian returned to work.   
Justin cooked him breakfast, and did his best to hide his anxiety.  
Everything had been fine, well, not fine, but easier, when Brian was there. Granted the whole 24/7 thing was beginning to feel confining, but at least he knew when he had and anxiety attack, or a nightmare, Brian would be there. It was time to go back to being independent, and he wasn’t looking forward to it.

Brian knew that Justin was nervous, but he didn’t want to make him feel like an invalid. He’d made strides during their house arrest, as they’d chosen to call it, but he still woke up with nightmares, even through the medication. He still had moments of sheer terror for no reason, while doing mundane tasks like throwing out a take out container or loading the dishwasher. He still ate sparsely, and refused to see any kind of professional. Brian knew that getting him back to have his stitches taken out on Friday was going to be difficult but that was Friday, and today was only Wednesday. He also knew that once he got back into the office he’d be swamped, he’d been fielding calls for the last several days from Ted, and Cynthia, and a couple of clients, and he’d managed to keep them all reassured that nothing was falling apart, but he wasn’t so sure, and in truth he was anxious to get back to the office. 

He’d seen every movie he’d ever bought, twice. He’d played strip Boggle, and strip Scrabble, and strip truth or dare, which wasn’t really much of a game between the two of them, it mostly consisted of getting stoned, saying stupid things, getting naked and fucking, and while that was fun, very fun, eventually you needed to leave the cocoon and live again. He just hoped Justin was ready.

“Meet me at the diner for lunch today?”  
“I’m sure you’ll be swamped, and I’ve got some ideas that I’m dying to get started on in the studio.”  
Brian shrugged, he probably would be busy, he’d make time to meet Justin, but if he wasn’t ready, well, he wasn’t going to force the kid.  
“Don’t work too hard.”  
Justin kissed him, and Brian put his hand on the back of the blonde’s neck, pulling him in for a deeper kiss.

Justin locked himself in the studio and breathed deeply. “I can do this.” He kept repeating to himself.

He grabbed a bottle of water and drank most of it in a single gulp, refusing to acknowledge his irrational fear of being alone in the house. Cranking up the radio until he couldn’t hear himself think, he got back to work.

That’s how Brian found him when he got home 14 hours later. He’d called during the day, no answer. He’d resisted the urge to simply walk out of the office and drive home to reassure himself that Justin was okay. He’d tried to get out of the office early but every time he thought he was done someone put something on his desk that needed his approval or signature. There was a stack of phone calls to return, and a new client that wanted to set up a meeting ASAP. He plowed through all of it, gritting his teeth. Trying not to let his imagination take over, trying no to worry like a mother hen. He put up a good front until 10, then he simply slammed down the pile of documents in front of him, turned out the office lights and went home. He knocked on the studio door and Justin opened it, the music blaring. He was covered in paint.

“You stop for lunch?”  
Justin smiled “The muse hit hard, I’ve gotten so much work done today. We should let Magdalena in here more often, it’s nice to have a clean studio.”  
Brian tried not to glower, he failed and Justin saw this and took a step back. Brian hated to see Justin scared of him, but the first opportunity and he’d fallen back into his old patterns. Brian was less than amused.   
“I’ll make dinner now.” Justin said as he turned off the stereo and headed up to the kitchen.   
“I’ll be back down in a minute.” Brian walked upstairs, trying to push his anger back down, trying to ignore his fear. He changed into jeans and met Justin in the kitchen.  
“I was going to make salmon, but if you want something else…”  
Brian came up behind Justin and pulled him backwards, kissing at his neck. “You broke the rules.” he whispered into Justin's ear.  
A chill went down Justin's spine, not entirely unpleasant. “I was working. I ate breakfast, and look, now dinner, so…”  
Brian turned Justin around so that they were facing each other, forehead to forehead; he rested his hands on Justin's hips. “You broke the rules.” he repeated, trying to convey with his fingers, his eyes, his lips, his breath, his touch that they weren’t rules for the sake of power, or fun, they existed to keep Justin safe.  
Justin wriggled out of Brian's grip. He felt the intensity of Brian's feelings, and he understood, at least he thought he did, Brian's concerns, but skipping lunch was hardly a federal offense. And he said so.  
Brian sighed. “Salmon’s fine, I’m starving.”  
Justin put the fish on top of the chopped vegetables and seasoned them, then put the lid on the pan and turned down the burner.   
“Should be ready in about ten minutes.”  
Brian watched carefully as Justin did all of this, mostly with his left hand. He’d learned to work around the bandage and the cut was almost entirely healed, he’d been lucky not to have suffered any nerve damage, and the stitches would be out soon.

Justin started to set the table but Brian came up behind him and grabbed the dishes. He pulled Justin towards the table and took the cramped right hand into both of his. He began a soft massage starting at the palm using his thumbs to relax the muscles. Justin leaned his head back and enjoyed the sensation.  
“You’re supposed to stop before your hand gets like this.” Brian said quietly.   
“You should see the work I’m doing, it’s really coming out well.” Justin said, his eyes still closed, his head back, reveling in the gentle feel of Brian's hands smoothing out the kinks in his fingers, straightening them and then intertwining their fingers together.  
“Look at me.”  
“Justin opened his eyes, and lowered his head, meeting the hazel gaze head on.”  
“You’ve got to take better care of yourself.”  
“I will, as soon as…”  
Brian dropped his hand, and stood up, getting glasses and silverware, but obviously agitated. “As soon as what? There’s always an ‘as soon as’ with you. You need to take care of yourself now.”  
“I’m sorry.” Justin said and Brian resisted the very strong urge to throw a glass at his head. “How many rules were you planning on breaking tonight?”  
Justin wanted to apologize again but seeing Brian's white knuckles was honestly afraid the glass he was holding was about to shatter in his hand. He tried a different tack. “You’re right. I guess I just got lost in the work, I’ll figure something out so that it doesn’t happen again.”  
“Well, you could have answered your fucking phone.”  
“Oh, I turn it off when I’m working really hard, that way there are no distractions.”  
“Get distracted.”  
“Okay, I’ll leave my phone on.”  
“And you’ll eat, every day.”  
“And I’ll eat every day. But Brian I haven’t gone a single day without eating since…”  
“How long did you hold down breakfast?”  
Justin was startled, he still had trouble holding down food sometimes but he’d been much better about it, and much better at not bothering Brian with it. But the honesty policy still stood so he answered “Almost an hour.”  
“So an hours worth of toasted blueberry muffin is what you’ve been using to build your strength back?”  
“Today was our first day back from house arrest, it makes sense that I would be a little nervous, and that always makes the eating thing harder.”  
“Yeah, today was the first day back and you’ve already started to rekindle your love affair with bad habits.”  
“You’re right, I’m…” Justin was about to apologize but the look in Brian's eyes made him change mid sentence. “I’m gonna be more careful, and I’ll keep some food in the studio.”  
“Okay then.”  
Brian brought the glasses and silverware to the table and resumed his massage of Justin's hand. Several minutes later, Justin was able to pick up the pan and serve the food with both hands. 

They were in the den watching the new Showtime series that had replaced “Gay as Blazes” when the phone rang, it was midnight. Justin answered.

“I have the perfect idea for the next issue.”  
“There’s a next issue?”  
“Sure, shouldn’t there be?”  
“I guess.”  
“What are you doing tomorrow at five?”  
“Let me guess, I’m meeting with you to discuss ideas?”  
”Exactly.”  
“See you at five.”  
Brian raised his eyebrows questioningly.  
“Michael has a new idea for Rage, so we’re gonna have a story meeting.”  
Brian nodded, and put a blue pill on his tongue, Justin leaned in for a deep kiss, swallowing the pill, but not releasing Brian's mouth from his own for several more seconds.   
“Have I mentioned that I don’t mind taking my medicine so much anymore?”  
Brian smiled and leaned in for another kiss. 

He pushed Justin back against the sofa, pulling his shirt over his own head, and then pulling Justin's off as well. But rather than discard them he used the sleeves of Justin's shirt to bind his wrists, tying them to the frame of the sofa.

Justin's eyes opened wide, but there was no fear in them. His lips were parted and his breathing was shallow. His back arched naturally with his arms bound over his head, and Brian slowly removed the paint stained cargo pants, never breaking eye contact.

Justin was hard before Brian's hands even touched the Velcro at his waist, by the time Brian had thrown the thin khaki cotton to the side he was writhing and throbbing. 

Brian pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and then released it, and Justin just stared, wanting to bite Brian's bottom lip himself. He squirmed a little as Brian leaned in against him, kissing up his chest.   
“You broke the rules.” He whispered into Justin's ear and a shiver went down Justin's spine.   
Brian flipped Justin over, causing the shirt binding Justin's wrists to twist tighter around them.  
Justin wanted to say something but he wasn’t sure what.  
Brian leaned in again, kissing at Justin’s neck. When the blonde tried to turn his head to kiss him back Brian simply put a hand on either side of his head and laid his forehead back down on the sofa. He pulled a pillow off the back of the couch and slid it under Justin's hips, pushing his ass up in the air, and Justin had a pretty good idea of what was coming next. He arched his back, and whispered “please.”  
“Please what?”  
Justin didn’t know.  
“Do you want me to stop?”  
Justin knew. “No, don’t stop.”  
Brian's hands were gliding gently up Justin's back, and scratched lightly as he dragged his fingers back down to Justin's ass. The sensations were indescribable and Justin’s body was shaking, he tried to move his hips, to thrust himself against the pillow and when Brian saw what he was doing the pillow was removed.  
“On your knees.”  
Justin struggled without the use of his hands, but pulled himself up to his knees, his cock leaking, his body needing whatever came next, needing to feel Brian's touch, rough, gentle, he didn’t care.  
Brian stood next to the bound boy, undeniably turned on by his body, by the soft tremble he could see, and his obvious need.   
He leaned in to kiss Justin and then moved his head back to his ear, licking around the little shell like curl of it. And whispering again “You broke the rules.”  
Brian moved behind Justin on the sofa, kissing the spot between his shoulder blades, watching the goose bumps rise on Justin's flesh. He moved his head lower down Justin's back slowly, painfully slowly. He stopped occasionally, leaving a hot wet kiss, and then blowing across the area, raising the goose bumps again. He could feel the heat from Justin's body even through his jeans. 

His mouth moved down lower, licking and teasing the very edge of the crack of Justin's ass. Justin moaned into the sofa, arching his back, wanting more. 

Brian knew what Justin wanted, and wasn’t ready to give it to him yet. He began to flick his tongue just across Justin's ass cheeks, never delving inside, taking little nips at his ass, watching the boy writhe and listening to the soft sounds coming from the back of his throat.

His hands moved up Justin's back again and scratched their way down lightly, as Justin's stomach muscles contracted with desire. Brian reached his hand around and lightly ran his fingers along Justin's dick and listened to him almost cry when his fingers moved on.

He finally spread apart his ass cheeks and licked, flicking his tongue quickly and lightly, teasing but never providing any real pressure. 

Justin was desperate now, bucking backwards, but Brian just moved back further and soon Justin, his hands still tied to the base of the sofa, couldn’t lean back any further, and he lost all contact with Brian. He cried out as if the loss of contact caused physical pain.

Brian stopped and began rubbing Justin's ass lightly, surveying his work. His cheeks were beginning to show small signs of the bites he’d left, and when he touched one Justin almost jumped at the touch. He planted a hot wet kiss on each cheek and then blew across it. Justin bucked as the cool feeling of air against the wetness left behind cooled his ass, which felt as if it were on fire. 

Brian flipped Justin back over, this tightened the shirt around his wrists again, and Justin moaned. Brian leaned in, his full body, still denim clad from the waist down grinding against Justin. He kissed Justin and checked to make sure he was cutting off the circulation to his hands. He licked his ear and whispered again “you broke the rules.”

Justin, back arched, body straining wanted to apologize, to promise he’d never do it again, to beg to be touched again but Brian, seeing him about to speak, leaned in and kissed him hard, his tongue invading, surveying, and then dancing with Justin's. He lifted himself off of Justin and moved his mouth down his neck, and onto his chest. He pulled a nipple into his mouth and bit, pulling the nipple with his teeth, Justin arched his back further, loath to lose even this slight contact. 

Brian continued lower until his mouth was at Justin's cock. He licked at it, lightly. Justin whimpered and thrust up trying to invade his mouth, to create friction, to get some release. Brian grabbed the base of his dick, putting his thumb on the vein that ran along the bottom, stopping Justin from coming. 

“You broke the rules.” He said again in a passion deepened voice.

Justin was beginning to realize that this was going to be a very long night.

Brian continued his slow and methodical arousal of every inch of Justin's skin; to Justin it felt like days. Finally, when Brian didn’t know how much longer he could hold himself back, he pulled a condom out of his pocket, lowered his jeans and slipped it on.

Justin wanted to cry he was so grateful. Brian lifted Justin's legs onto his shoulders and felt Justin's body trembling uncontrollably. He pushed into him, just a tiny bit, just past the first ring of muscle. He was far enough back on the sofa that Justin could not push himself any further back no matter how he tried. Brian stayed like that for almost a full minute, feeling Justin's body tremble and try to pull him inside. He looked into Justin's eyes and slowly, agonizingly slowly entered Justin, inch by inch, watching the boys eyes darken even further with desire. Watching him lick his lips and when he was about to open them and beg Brian leaned in again for a kiss, this time pushing himself into Justin to the hilt. “You broke the rules.” He whispered again.

He raised his body again, and began to thrust in earnest, still ignoring Justin's leaking cock, moving his body to actually graze lightly but never quite hit his prostate, keeping Justin on the edge for as long as he could. Finally, he pushed in deeper, hitting the spot Justin had been waiting for, and after three thrusts Brian came. 

He pulled out, and Justin whimpered again as he backed up, Justin's legs falling back onto the sofa. 

He untied Justin's hands, and Justin's arms were around him as soon as they were free, his dick was still hard as he pushed Brian back against the sofa, straddling his denim clad lap, grinding against him, kissing him deeply. Brian felt the wetness on his face from the tears he’s wrung from Justin but apparently there were no hard feelings as Justin continued to kiss him.

Brian's hands moved to Justin's ass to instinctively pull him closer. Justin's mouth was everywhere as he kissed Brian's neck, and chest, ducking his head to concentrate on his nipples. Justin felt Brian's harden again and he lowered himself to the floor, unzipping Brian's fly he took him into his mouth in one deft move, He felt Brian harden in his mouth and as soon as Brian felt himself slide down his throat Justin gave three consecutive swallows, causing Brian to buck against Justin. He tangled his hands in the blonde locks that were caressing his abdomen, and watched as Justin's head bobbed up and down over his cock, his tongue running along the bottom and swirling around the head before he deep throated him again, using his throat, his tongue and now his fingers to bring Brian to orgasm. 

When Brian came, he moaned Justin's name, and Justin almost came just from the sound of it. 

Justin swallowed as Brian shot. And when he raised his head and climbed back up to kiss Brian he reached for his hand, moving it onto his own erection, which had been too long ignored.

Brian took his hand off of Justin's cock. “Uh uh uh,” he said in a slightly mocking tone. “You broke the rules.” Justin's eyes widened, “Brian, you can’t, that’s not fair.”  
Brian stood up, taking Justin’s hand, “Time for bed.”  
”I’ll do it myself.”  
Brian sat back and watched, as Justin wrapped his fist fully around his shaft. He smiled and then removed the artist’s hand. and took both of Justin's hands in his. "Not tonight. You broke the rules."  
Justin had known there would be consequences but this was…" he tried to think of something to say, but there was very little blood going to his brain at the moment.   
Brian laughed. "In the morning sonny-boy, I promise."  
Justin pouted, unable to form a cohesive thought but unable to move much either. Brian leaned in and kissed him again, and pulled him off the couch walking backwards, leading the naked boy with both hands towards the bedroom.   
Justin wanted to cry, and Brian could see the frustration in his eyes, but that was fine. The sleeping pill would kick in soon, and he'd crash, but until then, he needed to understand that there were consequences to breaking the rules.  
When Justin finally lay in bed, his hand drifted towards his ignored erection, and Brian pulled him towards him. "You broke the rules."  
Justin tried to snuggle close to Brian but all too soon Brian realized that what he really wanted was just to rub himself against his naked body. "Do I have to tie you to the bed?" he asked.  
Justin pouted, and lay on his back, arms behind his head "I'll be good."  
Brian leaned over and kissed his nose. "That's all I ask."  
Soon Justin did fall asleep, his body returning to a relaxed state. And Brian just wanted to wake him with his mouth, feeling bad for denying Justin anything, but he gritted his teeth and tried to remind himself that this was for his own good.


	5. All Mistakes are Temporary II

**This is the sequel to"All mistakes are temporary"**

* * *

Justin awoke in a bad mood. He was angry with Brian for denying him last night. He knew that maybe he deserved it, maybe he had fallen back into his old habits, but dammit, Brian had never denied him like that before. 

Justin vowed to himself that he would start paying more attention to his eating habits, to the cramping in his hand when he worked too hard; to how much time he spent in the studio. He was obviously upsetting Brian, and that was the very last thing he wanted to do, plus, he wasn’t sure how long Brian could go without allowing him to come, but he really didn’t want to test it.

All of these thoughts ran through his head as he idly played with one of Brian's nipples. Justin had woken in his usual place, leaning against Brian, one arm flung across his lover’s chest, Brian's arm wrapped around his waist his hand resting lightly on his hip.

Justin's mouth moved to follow his fingers, as he licked at Brian's body, until he woke up.

When Brian awoke to find a nimble little blonde kneeling over him, tasting him as if he were a delicacy he smiled. 

Justin felt the change in Brian's breathing and knew he was up, he was aware of just how up he was when Brian pounced, pushing him backwards onto the bed, kissing him thoroughly while their bodies melded together in a familiar but ever exciting perfect fit.

Justin let Brian kiss him, moving his hips in slow circles against Brian's erection. Brian knew the boy would wake up needy, but Justin's eyes made it clear just how deep that need was running at the moment.

When Justin wrapped his arms around Brian and rolled them over so he was on top Brian realized that Justin needed more than just to get off, he needed to feel in control, something Brian understood well. He allowed Justin to set the pace as the younger man’s kisses became rougher, his nibbles almost bites.

“You give me a hickey on my neck and I’ll have to think of something horrible to do to you” Brian said, feeling the light nips get a little less light.  
“Something more horrible than last night?”  
“Was it so very bad?” Brian asked, mockingly.  
Justin stopped what he was doing to look into Brian's eyes. “Don’t ever do that to me again.”   
“Don’t break the rules.”  
Justin chose to ignore the statement; instead he reached across the bed for a condom. Plastic square between his teeth, Justin rolled them over again, Brian leaned back, ready to take the wrapper from Justin. Justin pulled it out of his mouth and held it slightly out of Brian's reach.

Brian could get to it easily if he tried, but he was interested in where this might be heading.  
“I want to come.”  
“I’m trying to help you out here sonny-boy, you’re the one holding up the works.”  
“I want to come while I’m inside you.” Brian took in his words. He rarely bottomed for Justin and NEVER bottomed for anyone else, at least hadn’t in years, but he saw the seriousness in Justin's eyes, and understood even more clearly now how much Justin needed to take control back. He was sitting up, straddling Justin and felt the boy buck his hips against him and he acquiesced. 

Brian spread his arms out to either side. “I’m all yours.”  
He was almost blinded by the sunshine smile.

Justin took his preparations very seriously, he didn’t want to hurt Brian, but he wanted to fuck him, and fuck him hard, claim him, remind him that he wasn’t the only one who had the ability to take control when necessary, plus, he was really really horny.

He handed the condom to Brian, who rolled onto him, and then he lay on his back, reaching for the lube, handing the bottle to Brian. 

He dribbled a little Astro-glide onto Justin's dick, not too much, he wanted to feel this, suddenly he NEEDED to feel this.

Justin's eyes didn’t leave Brian's hands as he prepared the younger man’s cock for entry, and when Brian was done Justin sat up and climbed behind Brian who was on his knees on the bed. He wrapped his hand around his narrow waist, pulling him closer as he pushed his dick into the entrance to Brian's ass. Brian's head leaned back onto Justin's shoulder biting his own bottom lip as Justin pushed himself inside.

Brian forgot sometimes how much he loved this feeling, being stretched from the inside, filled.

Justin removed his arm from around his waist and pushed Brian's torso away from him, Brian caught himself, a little surprised at the force Justin had used. On his hands and knees he felt Justin's soft touch run down his back, relaxing him, allowing him to adjust to the feeling of him inside.

Then Justin began to fuck him in earnest, hard, rough, leaning in to kiss his back, his neck, wherever his mouth hit. And Brian pushed back against him, wanting it harder, faster, rougher.

Justin changed his angle just a little and Brian’s body convulsed, an actual cry escaped his lips before he clenched his teeth against such sounds. But Justin knew what he wanted and he wasn’t going to stop until he elicited such sounds from Brian. He reached down to grab Brian's hard shaft, and in a move he’d learned from the master he applied a small amount of pressure to the vein at the base with his thumb.

Brian’s eyes opened when he felt the pressure. His arms fell to his sides as his face dug into the pillow, and Justin continued to sweep the head of his cock against his prostate. Brian was crying out, the sounds almost ripped from his body. There was nothing to think about now.

No Justin to worry over, no Lindsay and Mel to handle, no idiot fucking up another layout in the art department there was just the astounding sensation of Justin, and Justin’s complete control over his body. He gave in, moaning into the pillow, reaching, trying to get Justin to release him but Justin's hand remained like the worlds softest cock ring.

Justin ignored Brian's hands, pushing himself deeper and deeper into his ass, wanting him to feel this tomorrow, next week, forever. He pulled almost entirely out and pushed back in full force, and when Brian was groaning, moaning out Justin's name, he leaned in and kissed his shoulder whispering into his ear, “do you want to come?”  
”Yes” Brian said through gritted teeth.  
”Are you sure?”  
“Yes” Brian answered again  
And with that Justin released his grip on Brian, pushing with all his weight into the man until he was flat, face down against the mattress, grinding against the sheets, while Justin pumped into him. 

Justin felt Brian come first, felt his body tense and then release, and he didn’t stop, he continued to move inside him, the head of his cock stroking at his prostate as the aftershocks made Brian's body tremble. And when Justin was sure Brian couldn’t take anymore he came too, thrusting hard, his head thrown back in passion and pleasure. And then he collapsed on top of Brian's body, staying inside him a little while longer.

A few minutes later Justin rolled off of Brian, removing himself completely. He discarded the used condom and leaned over Brian's inert form to grab the pack of cigarettes and lighter that were on the opposite nightstand.

He lit one, laying on his back, ashtray resting on his chest. Inhaling deeply. 

Brian rolled over, removing the cigarette from Justin's hand and taking a long drag before giving it back.

“Where the fuck did you learn to do that? Brian asked.  
Justin just smiled one of his little knowing grins that drove Brian crazy and took another long drag before exhaling small smoke rings.  
Brian smiled, perhaps the student really had become the master, and he decided to stay with that thought, because although by nature, he wasn’t a particularly jealous man the thought of where and when Justin had learned such technique was not something he was in the mood to contemplate.

Brian got up first to shower, and Justin joined him shortly after. It was a really smart move to put in a second water heater, and they were both very relaxed, almost an hour later when they emerged, red skinned from the heat of the water and the flush of passion. 

Brian was running late when he got into the office, not an easy task considering he was the boss, but he was met with a sheaf of messages, a stack of forms, three scheduled client meetings and the thought that he probably should have gone for a more padded chair if he was going to let Justin top him in the mornings.

Justin didn’t even bother to put on shoes as he made his way down to the studio. His first instinct was to lock the door and get started, ignoring the small hunger pang he felt but then he remembered the vow he’d made to himself just a few hours ago, and the promises he’d made to Brian. He grabbed a yogurt and stopped in the den to pick up his phone off the charger, he would leave it on.

Brian called him at 11, and he answered.  
Brian called him at 12 and he answered  
Brian called him at 1:30 and he answered  
Brian called him at 2:00 and he turned off his phone.

He stood back to survey what he’d accomplished so far and headed towards the cabinet for more cerulean. He searched and couldn’t find it anywhere, he started to curse Magdalena when he glanced over at the four empty tubes laying crushed beside the easel and realized that he had run out.

He debated and finally decided that he would have to take a trip to the art supply store. He went back upstairs to grab a pair of shoes and his wallet and was halfway out of the driveway when it hit him. He was suddenly sick, he couldn’t breathe again. “Fuck the radio’s not even on” he thought to himself as he tried to relax.

He pulled back into the garage and got out of the car, kicked off his shoes and locked himself in the studio where he contemplated his sketches while smoking a cigarette and finishing off a third bottle of water.

When Brian came home at seven he found Michael and Justin at the kitchen table, sketches and scribbled story ideas strewn across the entire surface.

Brian kissed Michael on the cheek, and leaned down to kiss Justin in a slightly less platonic manner.   
“You turned your fucking phone off.”  
“You called me every fucking hour.”  
Brian just shrugged, “Sometimes I need to look busy so Ted doesn’t start yammering about that fucking mutt of his.”  
“It’s not a mutt, it’s a purebred.”  
Brian grabbed a beer out of the fridge and silently held one out in offering to the two men at the table. Michael took one.

Brian opened them both and placed one in front of Michael and then sat across from Justin looking over the sketches.  
“So what great acts of derring do is rage up to?”  
“JT goes away to visit the his family on Kroyton, and Rage gets really aggravated but then when JT comes back he’s opened up this vortex without realizing it, and because he doesn’t have powers in the alternate universe, he’s trying to keep up with rage but he keeps getting pulled back into the vortex, only Rage doesn’t realize it at first, and then eventually he falls so far that rage has to rescue him and….”  
Brian held up a hand, trying to stop the onslaught of Mikey’s geeker joy. “You two and your crazy plot lines, how do you come up with such original ideas?  
Justin smiled, “JT’s family blames rage for the whole thing and he almost takes them out with his powers of mind control”  
Brian just laughed. “You guys have dinner yet?”  
“We were gonna order a pizza” Justin said, but I’ll make something if you want.  
“Pizza’s fine.” Brian let out a breath quietly, no arguments about food, out of the studio at a reasonable hour, and from the looks of it, his hand was holding up okay. Maybe Justin was actually recovering.

Brian got up to order the pizza, and then went back down to the den to leave the others to their comic book.

He noticed that Lindsay’s lights were still on and headed across the lawn to see if Gus was still up.

“Daddy!” Gus took a flying leap that almost toppled Brian, and did spill his beer on his new shirt.   
“Shit.”  
“Brian. language.”   
“Sorry, Lindz, Hey, sonny-boy” he smiled. “Should have known better than to come over here without changing first.” He said ruefully, Lindsay just smiled.  
“So how was brunch with Melanie?” he asked.  
Lindsay stopped picking up the toys she’d been tossing into a basket and turned to look at him. “Brian, you have to understand.”  
“I understand” he said, settling onto the sofa as Gus climbed on top of his lap. “If you two want to work things out, that’s between you and Melanie, but the kids stay here.”  
Gus was reaching for his beer and Brian absentmindedly handed it to him.  
“Brian!” Lindsay said as she saw Gus upend the bottle into his own mouth.  
Brian looked down and laughed, taking the bottle from Gus “Not ‘'til your 16.” he said, kissing the top of the boys head.  
Gus made a face, “don’t taste good.”  
“Doesn’t taste good.” Lindsay corrected.  
“Then why does daddy drink it?”  
Brian just looked at Lindsay amused, and while she tried to be angry, she couldn’t “Because daddy is silly.” was the best she could come up with, “now go put on your pajamas and I’m sure daddy will read you a story and tuck you in.  
Brian rolled his eyes. But couldn’t completely suppress his smile.  
“JR asleep?”  
”For the moment.”  
“So are you getting back together with momma?” he said the last word slowly enunciating each syllable, making his displeasure clear.  
“No. She asked if we could meet to talk, and I thought it was a good idea.” Lindsay busied herself picking up the rest of the toys scattered across the floor and tossing them into the basket.  
“What is there left to talk about?”  
“Brian, we have a family, we have kids together, and I don’t want them to grow up in a world where their parents can’t be in the same room together without yelling. Is that what you want for Gus, or JR? Do you want them to grow up thinking their parents hate each other?”  
Brian considered what she had said. He shrugged, which was the closest Lindsay knew, he would ever come to admitting that there had to be a space in the equation for Mel. “She hurts you again and…”  
“She won’t, I won’t let it happen again.”  
Brian nodded and left it at that. Gus came running a few seconds later with his new favorite book “The Hungry Caterpillar.”  
Brian sat Gus on his lap and read it to him while the child fell asleep against his already ruined shirt. When he’d finished the book he carried Gus to his room, and put him to bed, kissing his forehead. Lindsay smiled, glad to be back in Pittsburgh, glad to have Brian be a part of Gus’s life, glad to feel safe again.

She hugged Brian as he was leaving. “Thank you.” Brian shrugged again, too tired to deal with the soppy emotional bullshit. He headed back to the house, hoping the comic book morons had saved him some pizza.

While they were climbing into bed that night Justin couldn’t seem to stop talking about the new issue. Brian let him babble, he’d missed the enthusiasm Justin felt when he wasn’t so intent on making everything perfect, he’d missed that light in his eyes when he was talking about something passionately. 

Brian held up an Ambien to Justin, who just nodded, and Brian administered the medication in his usual manner.

After Justin had swallowed the pill Brian pulled him back in for a deeper kiss, needing to feel Justin's body against his, and Justin responded in kind. When they finally drifted off to a sweaty dreamless sleep they were both sticky, and sated, and Brian felt his body truly begin to relax, after what felt like years of tension.

Over breakfast Brian reminded Justin that he had a doctors appt to get his stitches out. Justin scrunched up his nose. “I hate that guy?”  
“why?”  
Justin just shrugged, “Just do.”  
Brian just lifted his eyebrows  
“He can’t leave well enough alone.”  
“Do you want me to come with you?”  
Justin wanted to say yes, but he knew Brian was busy and it was just to get his stitches out, so there was really no need. “No, I’ll be f… I’ll handle it”  
Brian smiled amused that Justin was finally removing the word fine from his vocabulary. “Appointment’s at 4:30, want to meet me in the city for dinner after?”  
”We’re supposed to be at Deb's tonight, it’s Friday.”  
“Forgot, tell you what, I’ll meet you there?”  
”See you at 7.”

 

Justin examined his hand, he hadn’t needed to bandage it for the last couple of days unless he was in the studio, and it looked pretty much healed. He wondered what it would take to pull the stitches out himself and avoid the doctor’s visit. He put the thought out of his head, and started to head out to the art store, breathing deeply and intent on doing this without a fucking panic attack.

He made it halfway there and pulled to the side of the road, cursing, yelling, pacing beside the car, unheeded tears rolling down his cheeks, his heart racing, trying to catch his breath.

Eventually he ended up leaning against the car, hugging himself and wondering how fucking crazy he might be.

Shakily he got back in the car and returned to the house. Once he was in his studio he considered how to finish the painting without cerulean but couldn’t. He’d have Brian pick some up for him later. For now he started on a smaller canvas. 

Brian called at noon.  
Brian called at three, and was relieved to hear him answer while crunching on something, eating without prompting was a good sign.  
Brian called at four to remind him about the doctor’s appointment.

Justin took his usual position when considering his newfound insanity, as he liked to think of it. He was on the stool in the studio, smoking a cigarette and gazing at nothing in particular.

It was 4:35, he’d missed his doctor’s appointment but he couldn’t face getting in his car, just to have to turn back again. he examined his stitches again and made a decision. 

He dug through the drawer in the bathroom sure he’d seen one, and was rewarded with a tiny pair of scissors, designed to cut nails, or nose hair or something. He turned on all the lights and concentrated fully on cutting below the knots on the stitches.

Getting the first one out was tricky but once he’d figured it out the second two were far easier. He rinsed his hand, put the scissors back, and felt like he could breathe again.   
He looked at the clock; he had over an hour before he had to leave for Deb's. He invaded Brian’s stash and rolled himself a joint, smoking it slowly, and then mixing himself a gin and tonic. Another joint and two gin and tonic’s later he was relaxed enough to face dinner with the family.

Brian arrived a little after seven to find Emmett and Ted deep in conversation about the latest in small dog apparel. He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to prevent the headache he felt coming on.

When Michael and Ben arrived, obviously in mid tiff Brian knew the evening was going to be a long one. Lindsay and the kids arrived, JR in a finicky and cranky mood. Brian stepped outside to have a cigarette when he saw Justin pull in.  
4  
Justin stepped out of the car, happy to see Brian. The drive hadn’t been too bad but he’d had a few close calls with the anxiety.

“Brian” Justin practically leapt into his arms. Brian pulled the blonde closer and kissed him tasting cigarettes and…  
“what the fuck?”  
“Justin was kissing Brian's neck “mmmmmm?”  
Justin you’re drunk.  
“Puhlease. I had a drink, I’m not drunk.”  
Brian put a hand on each of Justin's shoulders and held him at arms length so he could see his eyes. “and stoned.”  
“Needed to relax” Justin shrugged, dipping under Brian's arms to lean in closer and kiss his chest.  
“Brian closed his eyes, head back, trying to push his anger aside. “What the fuck are you doing coming to Deb's stoned.”  
“Brian, you’re ruining my buzz.”  
Brian shrugged and draped an arm over his shoulder, “c’mon, you’re gonna be one of the few people who will be able to eat enough to make Deb happy tonight.”  
Ben and Michael maintained a tactical silence throughout the meal while Emmett talked to Ted about the possibility of putting blue in a feather boa for her next show.  
Brian watched Justin eat like…well, like he had the munchies, and left just after dinner. 

Justin hung around for only a few more minutes then followed Brian back to the house.

Brian was pouring himself a second scotch when he heard Justin pull up.  
Justin poured himself a straight vodka and sat down on the sofa next to him.  
“you know I don’t’ want to become your fucking mother”  
“don’t marry my dad”  
“I actually have to tell you not to drink and drive, or smoke most of my weed and drive?”  
“no, I’m a big boy Brian, I can figure these things out for myself.”  
Brian ran his hand through his hair. “So are we gonna just replace bad habits with different bad habits?”  
“you might be blowing this out of proportion, just a thought”  
“you might be one sick little boy who needs to pull it together. Just a thought.”  
“you know what? I ate today, I worked a little, I did what I had to do and now the Great Brian Kinney is going to go all hypocritical on my tight little ass? Fuck you!”  
“how was your doctors appointment.”  
Justin knew he was fucked.  
“didn’t go.”  
“you have to get your stitches out.”  
”took ‘em out myself.”  
“wow, I missed the part when you when to med school.”  
“fuck you Brian.” And with that Justin stomped upstairs and lay in bed gritting his teeth and wishing Brian had never been born.

Brian came up a moment later.  
“you know, you tell me to fuck you, to fuck off, to get fucked, and then you walk away. Last time I checked I had to actually be in the room to fuck you.”  
“last time I checked you’ve been fucking me over since I came back.”  
Brian stood stock still in the doorway. He’d given everything to Justin, and if it still wasn’t enough, if after six short months the kid was frustrated and unhappy again, this was it, it was never going to work.

Justin looked up and caught Brian's expression, right before he shut down completely. “oh fuck, Brian, I didn’t mean that. He got up off the bed and stood on tiptoes to wrap his arms around Brian's neck, to pull him closer.

Brian remained expressionless as Justin clung to him, neither acknowledging the contact nor responding to it. Until he felt Justin's tears against his shoulder and he walked him back towards the bed.

They sat in silence for a while, side by side, heads touching, thighs touching, fingers entwined, tongues tied.

Finally Justin spoke first. “I had a bad day, and I took it out on you. I’m … I shouldn’t have.”  
“yeah well, it’s not like I’ve never done the same to you.”  
“but that’s less reason for me to have to do it, I know how much it hurts.”  
“yeah well, then don’t fucking do it again.” Brian said as he stood up and began undressing, he was still in his suit, as he’d come straight from the office.

Justin lay back expecting Brian to climb into bed, they did some of their best talking and best making up in this California king sized therapy aid. But he pulled on jeans and a black wifebeater and walked out of the room.

Justin realized he’d gone too far, and he debated. He had two options. He could ignore the issue, Brian may never bring it up again. The problem was that even if he never brought it up aain, he would add it to the list in his head of reasons why he should pull away from Justin. Justin wasn’t’ really in the mood to deal with a cold and distant Brian. The other option was that he could follow him downstairs and force the issue, tease him into admitting that they were both over reacting and then fuck him into the sofa as they made up.

Justin decided he liked the second idea better.

Brian was exactly where Justin assumed he’d be. Very very stoned, and halfway to drunk. Jim beam, straight from the bottle, never a good sign, perhaps, the most dangerous animal on the earth was a shoeless Brian with a bottle of beam, but Justin was determined.

“Brian I’m sorry.”  
“You’re not allowed to use that word.”  
“Oh would you fuck the rules for a minute and let me say…”  
“No, the rules are there so that you don’t fucking kill yourself until you don’t need rules and figure out that you have to take care of yourself for yourself, because you yourself are yourself.”  
Justin tried not to laugh but Brian wasn’t making any sense and his speech was slurred. He wondered how much he’d smoked before he got home.  
“Brian.” He tried again  
“NO! Don’t just say my name like you know it goes straight to my cock and then act as if you didn’t break like forty major rules today.”  
“I don’t even have 40 rules, how could I break that many.”  
The drunk shoeless, Jim beam from the bottle Brian put his face just inches from Justin's. “The rules are IMPLIED.”  
Justin wondered if now would be a bad time to point out that just because something was implied didn’t mean the person would infer it, but decided that this was not a good time to argue semantics.   
“It’s implied that I’m not allowed to touch your stash?”  
”It’s implied that you have to go to the doctor when you have an appointment, not pick the stitches out with a fork.”  
“I didn’t use a fork”  
“Well that’s good, cause I thought we were gonna have to buy all new forks.”  
Justin had an urge to leave, Brian was making very little sense, and getting less sensible by the second.  
“You’re supposed to go to the doctor so he can tell you important things, that matter, and are important, like that you need to see a shrink cause you’re fucking crazy, and that you need to put on weight because you’re fucking skinny, and that you need to fuck me more often because you’re fucking hot.”  
Justin stared at Brian for a full minute before they both started laughing uncontrollably. This was probably, in some sense, an important emotional breakthrough for Brian, but hell, he was drunk and Justin was laughing, and they could get rid of their clothes in mere seconds.

So Brian fucked Justin into the sofa, and in the morning, they decided that shoeless Brian drinking Beam straight from the bottle would have to be only an occasional guest, because while he was great in bed, even if his kisses were a bit sloppy, he was a danger to all of their cool stuff when he tried to juggle.


	6. All Mistakes are Temporary II

Justin followed the rules. He ate, he slept, he took his medication, and yet Brian still seemed to be retreating from him.

Brian no longer seemed to care if he ate or not. Brian no longer following him up to bed, holding him until he fell asleep. More often than not, somewhere around midnight he’d crawl into bed, only to become aware of Brian’s presence at three in the morning. Justin wondered what Brian was doing until three, but when he asked he got a shrug, or a random “working on an account” excuse.

Justin was up and in the studio early most mornings, but he no longer blared the radio, he listened for the distant brunette’s footsteps in the kitchen and joined him for at least a morning cup of coffee. Brian didn’t seem to care.

That was the thing that had Justin so upset; Brian no longer seemed to care. All the pretty words, all the “I want you to be happy and healthy.” had been about crisis prevention, pain management, being in control. None of it, Justin thought seemed genuine because once he was okay again, or at least some facsimile thereof, Brian stopped giving a shit what Justin did.

Brian watched Justin go through the motions. He slept, he ate, he made a point of letting Brian know that he was doing these things. Justin was so busy proving that he was following the rules, that Brian was pretty sure that the boy had lost sight of why the rules had been established.

It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Justin's health, he did, and seeing the blonde put on a little weight, and lose the dark circles under his eyes was a good thing. What he did care about was Justin's motivation. It seemed like a nitpicking point. If he was taking care of himself, who cared why? Brian had always been a firm believer in the ends justifying the means, but this was different. Justin didn’t care if he ate, or slept or worked himself into a point of complete exhaustion. The only thing he seemed to care about was proving to Brian that he was doing these things. Justin was taking care of himself to make his…Brian happy, not because he was at all concerned for his own well-being.

Brian couldn’t admit, even to himself how much that scared him. When he’d given up his parental rights to Gus, he’d done it with an absolute sense of rightness. He was giving Gus two parents who loved him and cared about him, and making it clear that in the end, counting on him was not in Gus’s best interest.

He knew that Justin loving him and counting on him was not necessarily in the artist’s best interests, but he did it anyway. The problem was that Brian wasn’t sure how much of his love he could handle without feeling as if the whole world was crashing down upon him. He could take care of Justin, and he would. But, lately he couldn’t help but wonder, why Justin didn’t have any desire to take care of himself beyond pleasing Brian?

Justin's love had always been a frightening thing for him, and lately he felt as if it were life and death, as if he were holding Justin's future sanity and safety in his hands because Justin had handed it to him. 

He shook his head to clear his thoughts. The alcohol was making him maudlin and introspective, two things he hated. He knew he’d begun to withdraw, it was what he was good at, and he knew that Justin felt it, and it was a vicious cycle. He’d withdraw; Justin would try harder, so he’d withdraw further, refusing at this point to praise him for doing what he was supposed to do. (eat, sleep, not drink and drive) and so Justin tried even harder until it seemed most of the younger man’s actions were about making Brian proud of him, or happy, but not about his own self preservation.

The one thing he did feel better about was that Justin was reconnecting with the outside world.

Jennifer had come for lunch on Tuesday. Justin and Daphne had been hanging out a lot lately. The friends had ended up talking so late into the evening, catching up that he found them both crashed on the bed in the guest room the next morning. Emmett even seemed to be around more often, spending afternoons keeping Justin company as he talked about the show and the work he was contemplating. All of this was good, and healthy, and positive, but lately, Justin seemed reluctant to leave the house. Brian wondered, with all the rules Justin was so careful to point out his adherence to, if he were breaking a main one, the honesty, and lying by omission part.

They both got out of the shower, orchestrating their morning with an easy rhythm. Justin had slept a little later than usual today, and Brian had gotten up a bit earlier and so they had some quality time wet naked and soapy.

“Hey, can you do me a favor?”  
“You want me to blow you right here? I just did that five minutes ago.”  
Justin snapped a hand towel at Brian in mock exasperation.  
“No, I need you to stop at the Paint Loft on 5th and pick up a few things.”  
“That disgusting store full of pretentious starving artists and housewife cum wannabe painters?”  
“It won’t kill you, and I wasn’t planning on going into the city today”  
“Of course you weren’t” Brian mumbled as he watched Justin pull on studio clothes while he finished putting ridiculously expensive product in his hair.  
“What?”  
”Nothing, give me the list, I’ll get what you need.”  
Justin handed him the list and a credit card. “What the fuck is this?”  
“Method of payment.” Justin gave him his best “duh” face and tried to find a pair of socks. The studio floors got cold lately; tile did that in Pittsburgh in October.   
“Justin, you know I actually have one of these of my own.”  
“I pay for art supplies, then there’s no issue as to…”  
“Whatever.”  
Justin was hurt, but didn’t say anything; he hated when Brian cut him off, and felt as if Brian was angry with him simply for trying to show some independence.  
“This is a very detailed list.”  
“Yeah, if you give it to Oswald, he’ll get everything you need, you’re not gonna have to search around for stuff yourself.”  
“You don’t trust me?”  
“I trust you, I’m just trying to save you time.”  
”And why can’t you get this stuff, at the place in Havertown?”  
“Because they don’t have the pure cobalt, they have to order it, the one downtown actually carries it, and I need it, I’ve got to get this piece finished.”  
Brian shrugged, pulled on a pair of pants and shoved the note into his pocket. “I’ll stop on the way home.”  
“Thank you.”  
Justin leaned in to kiss Brian, and Brian accepted the kiss without really returning it.

He grabbed his jacket and briefcase from their spot in the foyer and yelled over his shoulder, “I’m gonna check in at the diner for breakfast. See you tonight.”

Justin heard the ‘vette drive off and breathed a sigh of relief. He had tried four times in the last week to get to the store himself and each time had failed. The pure terror that sometimes still woke him in the middle of the night seemed to overcome him in the car now. He felt as if the Ambien just held it at bay and never really stopped whatever was after him from coming.

Brian considered the list in his pocket. He had gone art supply shopping with Justin a few times. He’d never gone voluntarily but every once in a while Justin got sneaky, swore he just needed to run a single errand, and before anything else could even be said, Brian was staring, bored, at tubes of paint, and canvas stretching paraphernalia. The only reason he put up with it was the reverent joy Justin experienced in the store. It was as if there was nothing in the world but the potential that all of those supplies presented. He was surprised, to say the least that Justin had asked him to pick the stuff up, and even more surprised at how long the list of things he needed was, as he was usually stocking up on something three or four times a week.

Brian thought back. Two weeks ago, they had been at Deb’s for dinner, Justin stoned, and drunk, Brian angry and worried. After that, Justin had gone to see Michael…no wait, Michael had come to the house to pick up sketches. And Emmett had come to visit a few days later and stayed for a drink before he left. Then Justin had mentioned lunch with his mom…but he’d talked about what he’d cooked.

Brian couldn’t remember any time since dinner at Deb’s two weeks ago, when Justin had left the house. He shook his head, knowing he’d been withdrawn since that night. He probably just hadn’t been paying attention.

Brian gave the list to Cynthia, asking her to call the store and have them get the stuff ready so he could just pick it up. He tried to concentrate on the new account Kinnetic had acquired but he couldn’t think of an interesting angle. He looked at some of the ideas that others had come up with and tossed them aside, they were worse than his.

The day went along tediously as Brian tried not to wrack his brain to come up with the last time that he knew Justin had left the house. He couldn’t remember, the only one he could think of was Deb’s. 

After work he stopped by Woody’s for a drink, and found what he was looking for, Emmett.

“Hey stranger, haven’t seen you in forever.”  
“Busy.”  
“So I hear.”  
Brian just looked up questioningly  
“Justin. He says you’ve been nose to the grindstone for weeks.”  
“You talk to Justin a lot?”  
“Well, not as much as you do sweetie.” Emmett said. The last thing he wanted was for Brian to do one of his “non-jealousy” acts.  
“No, I think you may talk to him more lately.”  
“Trouble at casa de bri-tin?”  
Brian gave him a withering look “Fuck off.”  
“Brian, you know, Justin would talk to you if you were more…available to him.”  
“Brian waved to the bartender for a refill and mumbled something under his breath.  
“Didn’t quite catch that.”  
“Emmett what the fuck is wrong with him?”  
Brian had to give Emmett credit, he hid his surprise well, and dropped the full flame tease he’d been doing when he realized Brian was asking him a real question.  
“Brian, what makes you think I’d know?”  
“Because you two are friends.”  
“I think you’re a little closer to Justin than I am.” Emmett was hedging and Brian knew it.  
“This is bullshit, you talk to him all the time, you pry shit out of people almost as well as I do, so if there’s something to know, you fucking know it.”  
Emmett dropped all pretenses. “He’s scared.”  
“What the fuck is he scared of?”  
”Honey, I don’t think he knows.”  
”how can he not know?”  
”He’s scared of a lot of things, Brian, have you really talked to him, I mean since the um…”  
“Incident?”  
”If that’s what you’re calling it.”  
”No, he won’t talk to me.”  
“Well then maybe you should talk to him.”  
“And say what?”  
“Well, I’m not one to say what goes on behind closed doors.”  
Brian shot him a glance  
“Okay, I’m one to always say what goes on behind closed doors, but let me ask you this, Mr. Cold, distant, and I’ll take care of everyone’s problems…how much do you listen?”  
”That’s the third fucking time you’ve told me to talk to him or listen to him. I don’t have time for this crap, I’ve got to go pick up a bunch of shit at the art supply store before I hit the gym, so why don’t you tell me what I’m supposed to be listening for. What the fuck am I supposed to be talking to him about?”  
Emmett shrugged.   
Brian dropped money on the bar and left.   
Emmett followed him out “Brian, he needs to talk to someone, but he’s scared and he’s afraid to tell you because he thinks you’re going to push him away, in that ‘very special way you have’, so he tries, and now he’s spending the same energy trying to prove he’s okay as he did trying to hide that he wasn’t.”  
“He’s not okay.”  
“I know that, and you know that, but I don’t think our little boy knows that.”  
“Fuck. Emmet, one other thing…you repeat this conversation and…”  
“I know, I know, you’ll have my balls, or my dick, or kick my ass, or sew my lips shut, I get it, confidentiality is my middle name.”  
Brian walked away swallowing a nasty retort about other middle names that might be more appropriate.

It was well past nine by the time Brian got back, he’d burned off a lot of energy at the gym, and made two important decisions, the first was that they were going to put a home gym in soon, the place had been crawling with trolls and lesbians today, the second was that he and Justin were going to the art supply store together tomorrow before dinner at Deb's.

Justin was in the den when Brian came down in jeans and a sweater. He was sketching something and kept staring up at the TV as if it were going to provide divine inspiration, then he’d look back down at the drawing and start working again. Brian sat next to him and tried to figure out what he was watching but it was anime without subtitles.

Justin looked up when he had gotten the line drawings in.

“Hi.”  
”Hi.”  
Brian leaned in and kissed Justin, moving the sketchbook and pencil to the coffee table.  
“How was your day?”  
”Boring, yours?”  
”I got some great work done on the new issue.”  
Brian began massaging Justin's hand, something he hadn’t done in a while, and Justin felt a surge of hope go through him.  
“Did you get that stuff I needed?”  
Brian had hoped he’d get more than a couple of minutes before they had to get into this, but apparently not.  
“No.”  
“Brian, I needed that to finish.”  
“We’ll pick it up tomorrow before dinner at Deb's.”  
Justin's stomach clenched. Brian watched his face; Justin closed his eyes, and swallowed hard.   
“Hey, what’s wrong.”  
“What? Oh nothing.”  
Justin looked at Brian and knew he wasn’t buying it. “I just really wanted to finish that piece tomorrow and get it shipped out. I think it will complement some of the other works in the show and I wanted to get it to Ranston as soon as possible.”  
“And that’s all?” Brian was terrible at this. He knew how to manipulate, how to ask questions to make people give him the responses he wanted, and how to make people realize what they should be doing, but he was terrible at actually listening, actually talking. Communication was not Brian's strong suit.  
“Yeah, that’s all.”  
“Are you lying to me?”  
Justin took a deep breath, not sure how to answer the question. If he was honest with Brian then there’s be all kinds of things to deal with that he just didn’t want to deal with, and if he lied to him, he would be breaking the honesty policy they’d set, and admitting he’d been breaking it for a while, which could piss Brian off enough to send him away completely. He sat in silence.  
“Justin, hey, Justin.” Brian's voice brought him back to the question at hand.  
“Promise you won’t get mad?”  
”Tell me the truth.”  
”You didn’t promise.”  
Brian stood up, frustrated, “how the fuck am I supposed to know if I’ll get mad?”  
Justin was not scared of Brian but his emotional reaction was unnerving.   
“Fucking talk to me Justin.”  
Justin looked up at him. “Okay, sit down and we’ll talk”  
Brian poured himself a drink, and sat down. Justin took the drink and downed it in a single gulp. Brian gave a half laugh and poured them each another drink, and then sat back down, bottle on the table.  
“I’m scared.”  
“Yeah, I know.”  
“No, I don’t think you do. I get scared a lot still. But I’ve been good, I’ve been following the rules.”  
“Why?”  
Justin looked at him for a moment not understanding the question. “Why what?”  
”Why have you been following the rules?”  
”Because you told me to.”  
Brian sighed, downed his drink and poured another. “Do you know why we made the rules?”  
”Because I almost hurt myself.”  
“You DID hurt yourself, there was no almost about it. The rules aren’t there to make me happy. You’re just following them because you’re afraid I’ll be mad if you don’t.”  
”You’re mad at me anyway.”  
”I’m not mad at you.”  
Justin rolled his eyes. “You forget sometimes that I know you better than anyone.”  
”Justin I’m not mad, I’m frustrated.”  
“I’m following the rules, why would you be frustrated?”  
”Because I don’t understand why…”  
Brian stopped. “FUCK” he thought to himself, he hated words, they were great for selling stuff, but they sucked when it came to actually expressing emotions. If he were stoned he could go around in circles thinking about which caused which to lose meaning. Using the word love, entitlement, joy, promise, desire, all to describe a new moisturizer made the words mean nothing when it came time to say them for real, about something real. He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried hard to clear his thoughts.  
“What don’t you understand Brian? I follow the rules because I don’t want you to be unhappy.”  
Brian was ready to walk out but he tried to remain calm. “I don’t understand why you don’t care about yourself as much as I do.”  
“What?”  
”You eat, because I’d be upset if you didn’t. You sleep, because I am upset when you don’t. You do all the things you’re supposed to so that I don’t have to worry about you, but you don’t worry about yourself.”  
“Brian I’ve been taking care of myself.”  
“When was the last time you went outside?”  
”This afternoon, I played with Gus.”  
“When was the last time you went out of the house, off the grounds, took that ugly orange box that you call a car out of the garage?  
“Ummm.”  
”Deb’s two weeks ago?”  
”Yeah probably I’ve been really busy with…”  
“You had to be buzzed to get there.”  
“Well, yeah, I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately, because with the show coming up and…”  
“Justin, you’re not okay.”  
”No Brian I am, I’ve been eating and sleeping, and look” he flexed his hand, “no pain”   
“You really want me to shrug this off, pretend it’s no problem, ignore it?”  
Brian turned his body towards Justin's, entwining his fingers with the smaller ones. He leaned his forehead against Justin's. “You’re scaring me again, you eat, you sleep, you paint, you sketch, but you’re not okay. Justin, I can’t make you okay, you need to talk to someone.”  
“I talk to Daph, and to my mom, and Emmett and Lindsay and….”  
“A professional.”  
Justin was crying but Brian didn’t move his forehead from Justin's. He lifted their hands fingers still entwined, and wiped the tear away with his thumb. “I know you’re scared, but you’ve gotta do this.”  
Justin gave an almost imperceptible nod. “Okay.”  
Brian pulled his head back, and kissed him on the forehead. “Good.”  
“Brian?”  
“Mmmmmm?”  
“Will you go with me?”  
“If you want me to.”  
Justin leaned against him. “You know, I might be totally insane, what if they want to lock me away?”  
”I won’t let them.”  
“You won’t?”  
“I’m the only one allowed to drug you and tie you to a bed.”  
Justin laughed. “Wanna practice?

Brian smiled and they walked upstairs.

An hour later, Justin was in fact tied to the bed, but he swore that he could hear the colors and Brian decided that if he was going to act like a tweaked out kid on E he’d have to cut his dose, but then he listened to Justin's elaborate and detailed description of what’ he’d like Brian to do to him while he was bound and immobile, and Brian decided that maybe they needed to do this more often.

When they finally came down, sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed smoking a joint they decided that caring communicative E administering Brian could come around as often as he liked.

Justin called Dr. McKenzie the next day to get a referral for a decent therapist. He gave him two numbers to call. Justin called both, and made the appointment for Tuesday morning at ten, he wanted to make it at a more convenient time for Brian but it was that, or two weeks from Thursday. 

Brian had Cynthia clear his schedule for Tuesday morning and decided he was done telling himself that Justin was recovering nicely. Every time he convinced himself of that, something else came up. So for now, he was just relieved that this hurdle had been jumped. And then the perfect idea hit him for the stupid ad campaign for the new women’s athletic line that Brown was launching.

He didn’t look up from his desk again until five thirty.


	7. All Mistakes are Temporary II

“We don’t have to go.”  
“Yes we do.”  
It was Tuesday, they’d had this conversation more times than either cared to count over the weekend, but Justin thought it might be worth another shot.  
“It’s not gonna help anything.”  
”Maybe not, you’re still going.”  
Justin stood in front of Brian, wrapping his arms around his neck, and nibbling on his Adams apple, as he pulled their bodies closer. Brian leaned in to nibble Justin's ear, his hands sliding down the smaller mans back, hands resting on his hips and pulling him even closer. “This isn’t going to work,” he whispered  
“Dammit.” Justin pulled away, “It was worth a try.”  
Justin followed Brian to the car, trying not to pout, and doing his best not to fidget too much.   
The drive went in relative silence, except for the sound of Justin cracking his knuckles.

When they got to the office Justin was even more anxious, Brian thought he might have to physically drag him inside.

“Let’s go princess.”  
”This is a bad idea.” Justin's eyes were wide with fear and Brian could see that he was having a difficult time breathing.  
“Hey, it’s just talking, for an hour, you’re good at talking non stop.”  
“You’ll be here there when I get out?”  
”Nope, I’m leaving you.”  
“Not. Funny.”  
Brian leaned in and kissed Justin, he barely responded. He leaned in and kissed him again, feeling the boy respond a little more. He resumed his steady sucking on Justin's tongue until the hand he had placed on Justin’s chest felt his breathing become deeper and slower.

Brian leaned away, ready to get out of the car but Justin pulled him back, moving in to kiss him harder, his hands wandering. Brian knew what he was doing, and it took all of his willpower to push him away. “Later, right now, you have a very expensive appointment.”  
Justin pouted, but was feeling a little more relaxed, as Brian pulled him close and they walked together into the office.

Once Justin filled out a few forms, and Brian wrote a check, Justin disappeared into the inner office. Brian paced.

He wanted to sit, relax, and tell himself this was all okay, but he’d been doing that for months and that’s what had gotten them to this point in the first place. He went outside to smoke a cigarette and paced in the bracing October air, he came back in, and paced in the elegantly appointed waiting room. Finally, 50 minutes later Justin reemerged. His eyes were red and puffy. He’d been crying.

Brian wasn’t sure what to do, he wanted to pull Justin against him, but was hesitant. Justin walked past him and headed towards the car. They drove in silence for a few minutes while Justin tried to regain his composure. “I’m sorry.”  
Brian rolled his eyes.  
“Don’t, just let me talk for a minute.”  
Brian remained silent.  
“I’m sorry that I expected so much of you. And I’m sorry that I’m making you take care of me, and I’m sorry that I’m not what you want, but I really do want to be.”  
Brian nodded. “I take care of you because I care, and you are supposed to expect things of me, I’m your…Brian, and when you’re not what I want, I’ll let you know, but I don’t see that happening. What made you feel the need to apologize all of a sudden, you’ve been good about it for a while.”  
Justin took a deep breath. I was telling him the story, you know, how I ended up in his office, and you turned up in the story a lot.”  
Brian smiled, “I’m a main character in your life huh?”  
”Yeah, and I realized just how much I’ve put you through.”  
“Well, I’ve been really easy to live with. It is all your fault.”   
Justin reached for Brian's hand and the sat quietly just enjoying the feel of their hands resting comfortably. “Most people don’t end up with their high school boyfriends.” Justin said quietly.  
“I wasn’t your boyfriend.”   
Justin laughed, “Most people don’t end up with their high school…Brian's”  
“Do most people get a high school Brian?”  
”If we could market one we’d be rich.”  
”Or we’d get sued for intolerable cruelty.”  
Justin shrugged, “it wasn’t so intolerable”

“Lunch?”  
“We never did get to the paint loft, can we go?”  
”Sure, lunch at the diner, possibly get Deb off our cases, a quick run to the paint loft, and then perhaps, if you’re very very good…”  
Justin smiled, “what if I’m very very bad?”  
”That’s even more fun.”

The light banter relaxed them both as Brian headed into the city. He made a quick call to Cynthia to make sure all was well at the office, and there were no immediate fires to be put out, and then pulled up by the diner.

Michael and Emmett were in a booth and Justin slid in next to Emmett, Brian next to his best friend.

“Well, look who’s out and about.” Emmett said, casually slinging an arm over Justin's shoulder.  
“Yeah, I’ve got some supplies to pick up, and um… I went to see a doctor.”  
“Sweetie, are you okay? You didn’t… you know hurt yourself.”  
“No, I’m apparently insane, so Brian's making me see a shrink.”  
“Well it’s about time” Michael said, “I’ve thought you were insane since you started hanging out with him, maybe the doctor can cure you.”  
“There is no cure” Brian said, Justin is sadly dealing with a lifelong addiction to me.”  
Justin rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue “I’ll be cured of you someday…maybe when I’m as old as you are.”  
They all laughed, Brian was happy to see Justin’s sense of humor return, even if it was at his expense.

They chatted and ate until Michael headed back to the store, reminding Justin that they needed to meet to finalize sketches and other plot issues. Justin nodded and Michael kissed Brian on the cheek before he left.

“So, what horrible new wedding disaster are you creating this month?” Justin asked.  
“Ooh it’s going to be fabulous.” Emmett went on to describe at length the over the top over the rainbow gay commitment ceremony he was doing, he was in mid cake description when his phone rang. He didn’t answer it but seeing who it was gave a wide smile. “Got to go, see you all later.”  
Justin stood up to let Emmett out of the booth. Brian leaned his back against the wall and Justin sat back down on Brian's side of the booth, leaning back against him.   
“You know, someday I may have to cut Emmett’s hands off,” Brian said, pulling Justin a little closer to him.   
“Hmmmm?” Justin said, leaning his head back, suddenly very tired.  
“Why does he always drape himself all over you like that?”  
Justin gave a half smile; Brian's ridiculous jealousy that he’d never admit to, was one of his favorite things. “Because Emmett likes pretty things.”  
“I’m pretty, he doesn’t hang all over me.”  
“Because then you would cut his hands off.”  
”Good point.”  
“You ever fuck Emmett?”  
Brian dropped his French fry back on the plate. “No.”  
Justin shrugged, “just wondering, I mean, small gay community worlds studliest top, worlds queenliest bottom, both so…tall, seems like it might work”  
“I don’t fuck my friends.”  
”Yeah but you weren’t always friends.”  
“What the fuck are we even talking about?”  
”Honestly I have no idea, I was just curious.”  
“Don’t we have errands to run?”  
”Yes and then I’m supposed to be very very good, or was it very very bad?”  
Brian shrugged, pushing Justin forward a little, “either way.” He leaned in to Justin’s ear; “I’m going to give new meaning to the term intolerable cruelty.”  
Justin felt a warm flutter in his stomach, “lets get out of here.”  
Brian grinned and dropped the cash on the table as they left.

When they got to the art supply store Oswald did have everything he’d requested ready, but Justin insisted on walking up and down the aisles anyway. Brian wanted to be annoyed but he was just happy to see Justin out of the house. Justin was running his hand over some paintbrushes, enjoying the feel of the sable on his fingertips when he was hit with a wave of panic.

Brian was only half paying attention to Justin as a really hot guy was three aisles over. When he glanced back at Justin he knew there was something wrong. 

“Justin.” Louder this time “Justin!”  
Blue eyes wide with fear met his. “It’s okay” he pulled him closer, grabbed the box of supplies they’d already paid for and walked out of the store. Justin was barely breathing.  
“Justin, come on, breathe” Brian knew it was a stupid thing to say the moment it left his mouth but there was a blue tinge to the boys lips. 

Tears came, and Brian pulled the young artist’s face against his chest as they stood in front of the store, box of supplies forgotten at their feet. As Justin sobbed, he took a deep inhale, and Brian let out the breath he’d been holding. He just stood there, unsure what to do next, unsure if there was anything he could do. 

Several minutes later, he felt an arm grip his waist under his jacket, and Justin pulled away so that they were standing side by side. “That was stupid.”  
“No, it was brilliant.”  
“I’m sor…”  
“Don’t fucking apologize, it’s okay.”  
“But…”  
“Lets just get into the car, where we can turn the heat on, you’re shivering.”  
Justin complied and once the car warmed up the conversation did too.  
“Um, Brian?”  
”Mmmmmm?”  
”The doctor, you know the one I saw today, Dr. Blackstone”  
“Yeah?”  
”He said that I need to see a real doctor.”  
”I thought he was a real doctor.”  
”No, he is, but he’s just psychologist, he thinks I need to see a psychiatrist, for you know, medication.”  
”So we make an appointment.”  
“He thinks I’m crazy.”  
“Did he say that?”  
”No, but wouldn’t I have to be crazy?”  
”Well, I’ve always known you were a little…off.”  
”Brian.”  
”Justin, if you need to take something, take something, you can’t live the rest of your life in fear of… what are you afraid of, any idea?”  
”Depends on when you ask me.”  
”Right now.”  
”I was afraid that if I bought the sable brush and tried to paint with it, my hand would go out of control like it used to and I’d fuck up something important.”  
”Okay, but…”  
“But that’s a lie, cause that’s just what I was afraid of today, yesterday it was that my mom was gonna call and tell me that Daph was dead, and last week it was that I was going to wake up and you’d be dead in a ditch on your way to work.”  
“Wow, you have a great imagination. What did the doctor have to say?”  
“A lot of technical stuff and that it was mostly just adrenaline rushes and fight or flight and the thoughts don’t bring on the panic, but the panic creates the thoughts and that’s why I need medicine.”  
Brian nodded. So, we switch you from poppers and E to whatever the good doctor says and you’ll feel a little better.  
“You won’t think I’m a loser?”  
“Not following your line of thinking.”  
“Well, you’ve been through way more shit in your life than I have and you manage without medication.”  
Brian looked over at him, for the first time wondering if Justin might be a little insane. “Justin, when have you ever seen me deal with shit without medication?”  
”Um…” Justin thought about it. “So you just drink and…”  
“Yeah, but see, I know how to work around my issues, you’re gonna need a little more help because you are stronger than I am, and actually work through them, so…”  
Justin didn’t say another word; he wasn’t sure what to say. He knew he wasn’t stronger than Brian, but he was too tired, too emotionally drained and too confused to even talk about it. He leaned his head back as the heat and the rhythm of the road soothed him. He closed his eyes.

Brian considered what Justin had told him, about his fear, and seeing a psychiatrist, and wondered, not for the first time, how the kid had held it together as long as he did. He never ceased to amaze him. 

When they pulled back into the garage, Brian hated to wake him, but knew it would be cold in there soon. “Justin, we’re home.”

“Mmmmmm, was I good?”  
Brian laughed as he walked the tired boy upstairs. “Very very.”

Three days later the entire “We don’t have to go” conversation was replayed to Brian's aggravation and Justin’s frustration, and they went to see the psychiatrist Dr. Blackstone had recommended. Justin walked out of the office twenty minutes after entering with two prescriptions.   
“It’s official, I’m crazy.”  
“I thought we already knew that.”  
”Brian, shut up.”

The next couple of weeks went by relatively uneventfully. There was some decrease in the anxiety Justin felt, but for the most part they just worked, fucked, slept, ate and debated the important things in life, such as what to do with the boxes in the dungeon and which equipment was really necessary for the gym. 

Justin was even starting to feel better, fewer anxiety attacks during the day, fewer nightmares at night. He and Brian were joking about something when the phone rang.

Brian was lighting a cigarette when he heard Justin’s voice rise. He couldn’t hear exactly what he was saying but he clearly heard the phone slammed down in the kitchen.

Justin sat down next to Brian, obviously agitated and took the cigarette out of Brian's hand, taking a long drag and then exhaling in exasperation.

Brian counted on his fingers, 4,3,2,1  
“Fucking Ranston.”  
“What’s he want?”  
”Contractual fucking obligation.”  
“When do you have to be in New York?”  
”I haven’t given him a date yet, but he wants me there next week, and then the first two weeks in December.”  
“Two weeks in New York, sounds like fun.”  
Justin shot him an evil look   
“What? Maybe it’s time you got to enjoy New York.”  
“Fuck off”  
He stormed upstairs; Brian put out his cigarette and followed.  
Brian leaned against the doorframe amused, Justin was storming around the room, grabbing items and randomly throwing them into a duffle bag.  
“I didn’t mean you should leave tonight.”  
“I said fuck off.”  
Brian shrugged and turned around to walk back downstairs.  
“That’s it? You’re just going to let me go?”  
Biting his lip, Brian did his best to keep his temper. “I’ve never tried to make you stay.”  
Justin sat down on the bed, “I don’t want to leave.”  
“I know.”   
“I just…”  
“What?”  
”I don’t fucking know.”  
Brian gave out a half laugh and Justin looked up surprised. “You’re laughing at me?”  
Brian tried his best, but he lost it “yeah, I think I am”  
Justin started to laugh too. He walked across the room to hug Brian. “I think it’s official, we’re both batshit insane.”  
“Finally, you’re listening to me.”  
The taller man walked Justin backwards, pushing him down on the bed. “But I know a cure” he leaned over, pulling Justin's shirt over his head. “No, you drive me crazy when you do that.”   
“Really?” Raising his eyebrows and licking his lips, lets see how crazy you really can get.  
And Brian slowly removed Justin's clothes, keeping his on while he tortuously teased Justin's body. Pushing the duffle bag off the bed, to leave it forgotten in a heap.

He lay his body against Justin's, and found himself on his back in seconds. Justin returned the favor, removing all of Brian's clothes, slowly. When they were both naked and panting, unaware of anything other than the feel of skin on skin, the tightening need in the pit of their stomachs the feel of hot wet tongue against hot flesh. Finally, when Justin was whimpering with need, and Brian wasn’t sure he could hold off any longer he opened the condom wrapper with his teeth. As Justin heard the sound he rolled over, raising himself up onto his knees. 

Brian pushed himself inside, his hand on the small of Justin's back, helping him to relax, and their easy rhythm became harder. Brian leaned against Justin; his chest melding to the younger mans back, their hands finding each other, fingers interlocked as their bodies combined again and again. 

Brian didn’t even need to touch Justin's cock, he felt him come as he stroked inside him. Increasing his rhythm until he too came, collapsing on Justin's inert form, resting a few moments before he rolled off in order not to crush him.

Justin was tired, his new meds made him feel a bit loopy sometimes, and Brian had just ridden him hard, and that was probably the reason he didn’t censor himself when he said “Mmmmmm, that’s why you’re the only one I let do that.”  
He was curled up against Brian's chest, his fingers making lazy circles around his nipples, his eyes closed.

Brian sat up a little. “The only one recently?”  
”What?”  
”The only one you let do what?”  
Justin suddenly realized what he’d just said. “Shit.”  
“What?”  
”Nothing.”  
”Justin, I’m the only one you let do what?”  
Justin was blushing, and Brian sat up, looking at him. He hadn’t seen him blush in a while.  
“Justin, the only one you let do what?”  
Justin rolled off of him and lay on his back, covering his face with his hands. He had never planned on telling this to Brian, never figured it would actually come up.  
“Justin.”  
“Fuck me.” He said in a small voice.  
Brian let out a half laugh; “it’s a little late to reinvent yourself as a virgin Justin.”  
Justin sat up, “you don’t believe me?”  
”Justin, you’ve fucked a lot of people, I know, I’ve been there for oh, maybe half of them.”  
“I didn’t say people I fuck, I said you’re the only one… Oh, never mind.”  
It was starting to dawn on Brian exactly what Justin meant. “You don’t let anyone else top you?”  
Justin shook his head.   
“Never?”  
Justin thought about it. “Once, and it sucked, so yeah, never.”  
“When was the once?”  
”Oh, I don’t know, some guy I went with at Babylon, when I was like 18”  
“And it sucked.”  
Justin shrugged.  
Brian wanted to ask the question, Brian was afraid to ask the question; Brian couldn’t conceive this to be the answer to the question. “Ethan?”  
Justin just shrugged again, “I fucked him.”  
That shouldn’t have made Brian feel better, he knew that, it shouldn’t have made him happy, but it did. He had a wicked grin on his face.  
Justin looked up after he realized Brian hadn’t said anything in a while and laughed at the smirk Brian was wearing.  
“You don’t have to seem so self satisfied about it. I mean, I knew you didn’t want me to, when we were together, whenever we took someone back, or even on date nights, no one fucked me but you, I guess I just got used to it.”  
“Got used to it.” Brian repeated each word slowly, as if they had a hidden meaning he was trying to determine.  
“Most guys are bad at it, and then it hurts and besides, it’s nice to be in control sometimes. Don’t you think?” Justin said, turning the tables on Brian.  
“Mmmmmm, you know I love to be in control but if you don’t like it, then why do you…I mean we, “  
“Stop fishing for compliments”   
Brian smirked again. “No one else huh?”  
Justin shook his head, “no one but you.”  
The air was knocked out of Justin's lungs as Brian pounced on him, his body stretched fully against him, every inch of his naked skin covered in Brian. Justin thought he was floating, or drowning in him, and didn’t care as Brian's planted possessive kisses on his mouth, his eyes, his shoulders his chest. And he heard the one word Brian kept repeating as he moved his mouth down Justin's body. “Mine” it was a growl, a whisper, a prayer, and a statement, and Justin sighed as he realized that he may possibly have given far more information than the already healthy ego could withstand. 

When they awoke in the morning Brian’s self satisfied grin was still in place and Justin was complaining half heartedly about the number of bite marks and hickeys Brian had left while claiming his body repeatedly. “Sheesh, I look like I have leprosy”  
Brian laughed, toweling Justin's hair dry.   
“You look,” he said, moving his mouth down Justin's neck, “like you’re mine.” And Justin moaned, leaning over the bathroom counter as Brian leaned into him. They’d have to shower again, but they were both okay with that.


	8. All Mistakes are Temporary II

Justin was getting better at handling drunk “I don’t want to fly” Brian. First he made sure Cynthia faxed over a detailed itinerary, with flight numbers, hotel reservation codes, and anything else he might need should Brian be unable to remember the particulars. Then he prepared himself for the shameless flirtation with the flight attendants, be they male or female.

And he was never opposed to the way Brian proved he was still alive after such a harrowing ordeal as a 50 minute flight from Pittsburgh to New York. 

Justin was straightening his clothes, and wiping at his mouth when Brian emerged from the stall in a similar state of dishevel. He handed him a bottle of water, and wrapped his arm around his waist, heading for the cabstand. Flying with Brian wasn’t so bad.

It was the same hotel, same room, and Justin was relieved to see that. It somehow made him more comfortable. He wondered if Brian told Cynthia to do that, or if she just knew, or maybe this was where Brian always stayed when he had business in New York. He actually did have business this trip.

He had three meetings set up for tomorrow, which was fine with Justin who was planning on spending the day at the Ranston Gallery going over placement of pieces for the show and seeing what else was being shown with his stuff.

They had left Pittsburgh at 11:30 am, it was only a little before two by the time they were checked in. They had an entire day ahead of them and no plans. 

“We should go sight seeing.”  
Brian glared.  
“To see what? Tall buildings, green French women with torches, ground zero?”  
Justin shrugged, “I’ve visited New York, I technically lived here, and I’ve seen very little of it.”  
“Well, then we should see the important parts.” Brian said, “Christopher Street, Soho, The Village.”   
Justin laughed, “You want to go gawk and the New York gay scene?”  
“We could do more than gawk.”  
Justin smiled, he had an idea what Brian had in mind, but wasn’t sure. He shrugged, “Let me take a shower and we’ll head out.”

Brian joined him in the shower, and later on the floor of the bathroom, and then across the bed, and it was well past five before the two of them locked the hotel room door behind them and made their way to an area more conducive to a friendly drink.

They walked down the street arm in arm until they found a likely looking establishment. Well it wasn’t the looks that drew them it was the sound. The beat could be felt in the pavement. Justin grabbed Brian's hand and opened the door. 

They made their way to the bar surveying the patrons as they went. “This’ll do” Brian said, smiling. Justin's smile just got wider as he ordered them a couple of double beams and turned around back and elbows against the bar surveying the dance floor.

Brian downed his drink and pulled Justin forward until they were forehead to forehead on the floor, moving to the music. 

They danced for a while, losing themselves in the beat. Justin knew what Brian wanted, and he wanted it too, it had been a while, but he also knew that Brian was somehow different this time around, that he’d have to make the first move. He pulled the taller man up a set of steps to better scope out the candidates.

“Him?”  
Brian shot Justin a glance and once again marveled at the boy’s ability to know him so well. He shook his head “Bad chin.”  
“Him” Brian pointed. Justin wrinkled his nose, “Too young.” Brian's eyebrows shot up but he continued to scan the floor.   
“Him.” Brian followed Justin's gaze to the tall blonde with close-cropped hair and a great ass. “Him.” Brian agreed as the two made their way towards their prey.

The three of them were in a cab when the trick offered up his name, neither was paying attention. He was sitting between the two of them and they leaned over and kissed each other, their hands roaming along the mans thighs as their tongues dueled.

When they were finally in the hotel room, Justin stood behind the man and Brian in front of him, and their hands worked together to remove his clothing. Their mouths and hands showing their interest in him, while their eyes remained on each other.

Brian established the rules quickly as he turned the man around so that Justin had an opportunity to work his magical tongue against the tricks nipples. “We top, no kissing, and anything else we’ll let you know.” 

The guy nodded in agreement as Brian rolled a condom onto Justin. “I want to watch you fuck him.” he whispered into Justin's ear, and Justin's dick jumped at the sound. 

“Suck him off.” Justin instructed the trick as Brian sat up against the headboard. The guy eagerly crawled forward, taking Brian into his mouth. Justin ran his hands along the guys back, scratching lightly and he moaned into Brian who threw his head back a little. 

He didn’t take his eyes off his beautiful blondes face as he entered this random stranger with a power and command Brian had forgotten Justin possessed. He started slowly, stroking in and out in long easy movements. The guy was loving it, using his tongue well, and taking all of Brian into the back of his throat.

Justin wrapped a hand around the tricks cock, holding it steady, “Don’t come 'til I tell you to.” The trick, bob, bill, brad, something like that moaned his understanding around Brian's shaft.

Justin forgot what it was like, to fuck someone else, to feel the heat around him and still watch Brian's eyes, watch his face in those agonizingly beautiful moments of pleasure. Forgot how good it felt to bring a stranger into the mix and still feel like they were the only two people in the room.

When Brian started to come, Justin increased his momentum, moving faster, pushing harder, but not letting the trick go yet, holding him off until his own orgasm was imminent. When he came inside him, Justin let out a moan, leaning forward to kiss Brian, their mouths meeting with intensity, their hands on each other, the man they were both inside all but forgotten. 

As Brian lay back and Justin pulled out, bob, bill…whatever rolled over, and began to jerk himself off. Brian grabbed his wrist to stop him. “We’re not done yet.” The new stud whimpered but allowed Brian to reposition him on his back. This time Brian slid on a condom, pushing into the guy hard. Justin was on his knees, turning the tricks head to the side, so that that he could push himself into the willing mouth. He began sucking in earnest. And Brian and Justin's hands roamed his body while their mouths met again and again, stopping only when they felt they might pass out from lack of air.

When Justin came, bobuckbuddy licked lightly, cleaning Justin's dick completely, using his hands to pull Justin closer too him, and as Brian leaned into him full force, pushing against the mans prostate until he was moaning and pleading for release Brian stroked his cock a few times lightly, and the trick came. Justin smiled down at him as Brian threw his head backwards and felt his balls draw up. He came after a few more pounding strokes. And lay back on the bed.

“You done with him?” Brian asked Justin.  
Justin nodded “You?”  
The two were sitting next to each other on the bed Justin leaning his head against Brian's shoulder their hands intertwined. Brian kissed Justin again, “Oh yeah.”  
Brian turned his attention to the sated and sticky man on the bed. “You can go.”  
He looked confused, but he began to quickly pull his clothes on. “Hey you guys were great if you’re ever in the city again.”  
Justin’s eyes met his and he just shook his head. “Repeats aren’t our thing.”  
Brian laughed out loud as the guy, in shoes and pants, still shirtless walked out, closing the door behind him.

“Fuck I love you” Justin said, rolling on top of Brian, and kissing him again, down his neck, his shoulder, his chest. Stopping to pay special attention to his nipples. He moved all the way down until he was staring directly at Brian's once again eager dick. He leaned in to lick it, taking it down his throat, bobbing his head over it until Brian pulled him off. “I’m going to fuck you.”  
Justin moaned, as Brian slipped a condom on. He lay Justin on his side, and slid into him, moving slowly at first but soon Justin was desperate, begging to be fucked harder, faster, more.  
“Christ you’re a bossy bottom tonight.” Brian said, pulling himself out of Justin to reposition him onto his back. “You want it hard?”  
”Oh yeah.” Justin said. The wanton look and his body’s reaction to every touch made Brian’s need even more intense as he slammed into him.   
He fucked Justin hard, at times he would stop, holding off his own climax, making it last longer, and each time he did Justin whimpered and begged and eventually Growled. “FUCK ME!” And Brian did, hard and fast, brutal and bruising, and Justin moaned with pleasure.

Brian held his hand at Justin's throat, feeling his pulse, and squeezed. At first Justin’s eyes shot open with fright, but in a moment Brian let go, and when Justin felt the rush of air back into his body, he understood. He threw his head back, exposing his neck, giving Brian silent permission to take it further and Brian did. They’d done this before, once or twice, but not in a while, and Brian was careful, measuring Justin's pulse, watching his breathing, holding off the inflow of air just long enough to give Justin that little high. Then he’d let go, and as Justin gasped for air, he’d pound into him harder. 

He watched Justin's body, and felt his own orgasm pushing him to the brink, he squeezed again, and Justin saw stars, his head thrown back, mouth open but unable to take in any air, and as Brian felt himself about to come he fisted Justin's cock a few times, and then he let go.

Justin inhaled deeply and came harder than he ever had before. Gasping and moaning. Brian came just a moment after that, feeling Justin's body convulsing around him, milking him with each spasm. Brian collapsed on top of him, his chin against Justin's shoulder, their bodies tangled together, their sweat and come and breath combined. 

Ten minutes passed, and then twenty. Finally Justin pushed at Brian's shoulder and he rolled over. “Now do I make the top ten?”  
Brian laughed, “I think you may have broken the top three this time.”  
And they fell asleep, sticky and sated.

The next morning they both hurried to be ready for their meetings on time, but hot showers, and wet naked Brian had a tendency to make Justin forget all about time and contractual obligations. Which in all fairness, Brian didn’t seem too concerned about until he couldn’t find his black shoe.

“I’ll bet that fucker stole it.”  
”Brian why would a nameless trick steal a single black Prada shoe?”  
Brian didn’t have an answer for that, but he continued to bitch about it until Justin pulled it from under the bed.  
“How the fuck did it get there?”  
”It’s a mystery, how the fuck did I get come in my ear last night?”  
Brian smiled his tongue pushing out his cheek “It’s a mystery.”  
They kissed quickly (for them) and left for their respective appointments.  
“I’ve got my phone with me, call if you need anything.”  
“I will, you’ll be at the show tonight, 8:30?”  
“Have I missed one yet?”  
“Later.”  
”Later.”  
And they walked in separate directions hailing separate cabs.

Brian’s first meeting went well, the client was impressed with his ideas and the deal was inked. 

Justin’s day was not going quite as well. “I don’t want to show those tonight, I wanted those to be part of the December show.” He told Ranston.

“They’re a large set, I’m concerned that if we don’t show them together, and without as many distractions from your other work we won’t get a reasonable asking price.”  
Justin sighed, he hated the part of his art that was about money, especially these, the five pieces he’d practically killed himself over. “Pick any six other pieces you want. But those are NOT to be unveiled until December.”  
Ranston sighed, he hated the part of business that required dealing with artists, but he eventually acquiesced.

They spent the next several hours debating which six pieces would be shown this evening. Justin wanted one of the newer ones, which had been shipped separately from the original set he’d sent but Ranston seemed reluctant.

“What’s wrong with the new stuff?”  
”It seems to be….”   
“What?”  
”Well, less, intense somehow.”   
Justin pushed his hand through his hair and stood back to stare at the pieces that were lined up against the wall. He bit at the side of his right thumb, deliberating. He knew Ranston was right, that the pieced he’d done once he started following all those fucking rules were less intense, less angry, less…well just less, but what the fuck could he do?

He pulled out a landscape he’d completed only weeks ago, “It looks like a starving artist show at the Marriott” he thought to himself. He pulled out a few others. They weren’t all that bad, and in all fairness, it was based on a sketch he’d done for Gus.

Eventually, after several hours he and Ranston came to an agreement on what would be up for the night, and Justin put a tiny yellow sticker on the back of each piece. “The sticker goes on the bottom, make sure they don’t hang them upside down this time.”

Ranston smiled, and shook his hand as the young artist left. It was after five and he apparently had dinner plans before the show this evening.

Brian's next meeting was a little more amusing. It was with Corthometics, a large and well funded but still relatively obscure Cosmetics Company that was looking to market themselves in a more upscale manner. Brian met with Pamela; the director of marketing, and her assistant, turns out his name was Bob. Brian smiled at him, his face showing no recognition; Bob wasn’t as skilled at hiding his surprise. But in the end, Brian had a good feeling about his chances with this account.

His third meeting was a waste of time, some asshole with a bad idea for an online service looking to market it as something other than a useless waste of bandwidth. Brian did his best to convince the client that there were a few interesting ways to market a product but the Mr. Tanner fancied himself a creative type and wanted something that wouldn’t work. Brian wasn’t worried. The entire company would be out of business in months if not weeks. He checked his watch, it was well after seven. Hailing a cab he decided to go directly to the gallery.

As Justin was leaving the gallery, heading back towards the hotel he felt an arm on his shoulder and heard his name. “Fuck.”  
“Justin.”  
Justin spun around “Ethan.”  
“I was hoping I’d find you here.”  
Justin looked pointedly toward the window of the gallery where a sign with his name prominently displayed stared out at both of them. He was tired, and just wanted to go home, maybe shower, change, and grab some food before he had to be back.  
“I was hoping we could talk.”  
“About what?”  
“Well, just, I mean, we haven’t really spoken since…”  
“Since you cheated on me, lied to me, fucked with me?”  
“I was hoping you wouldn’t still be bitter.”  
“I’m not bitter Ethan, I’m tired.”  
“I could buy you a cup of coffee.”  
“I can buy my own coffee.” Justin started to walk away.  
“Justin.” He turned again, his eyes narrowed.   
“Go away.”  
“Just a cup of coffee.”  
Justin sighed, and nodded, and the two walked silently the couple of blocks to a Starbucks. Justin sat down at a table, not sure why he was even there.  
Ethan went to the counter and was back several minutes later with two large latte’s.  
“Extra foam and cinnamon, the way you like it.”  
Justin nodded and took the cup from him, waiting for Ethan to start.  
“I’m sorry.”  
Justin wondered how long you had to be in or out of a relationship before you were allowed to ban words, and if his statute of limitations was up on this one.  
“Sorry’s bullshit.”  
“I was wrong.”   
Justin snorted derisively, “About what exactly?”  
”I was wrong to hurt you, wrong to take you for granted, wrong to ask you to put up with that stupid contract.”  
“No, you were wrong to fuck someone else when you said you wouldn’t.”  
“I was wrong about that too.”  
“Okay, so you’re sorry, and you were wrong and it was over three years ago, so…”  
“So I was wondering if there was a chance that we could…start over. I miss you.”  
“What exactly about me do you miss? You never even fucking knew me.”  
“I knew you, I knew what a talented and smart man you are and I knew I loved you.”  
Justin wanted to scream, to cry, to walk away. These were the pretty words he’d left Brian for?   
“So is there any hope that we could be…friends?”  
”No.”  
“Justin, I’m asking you for your forgiveness.”  
“And you have it okay, I forgive you for being a self absorbed asshole who couldn’t go an entire day without getting laid but we’ll never be friends, because as a rule I am not friends with people who lie to me.”  
“Brian lied to you all the time.”  
Justin pushed his hands in the pocket of his jacket to keep from pouring his coffee over Ethan’s head. “Brian had nothing to do with why we broke up, and he never lied to me, you still don’t get it do you?”  
”I guess not, so why don’t you explain it to me.”  
“I don’t have to. I don’t owe you anything anymore.”  
“We were lovers, we were partners we were…”  
Justin cut him off. “We were a lot of things, but now you’re an old bad stupid mistake, a memory, and ex and I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go home and change, I have a show in less than two hours.”  
“Home, you live in New York now?”  
Justin saw the hope in Ethan’s eyes and he wanted to tell him that he’d found that lovely country home they used to talk about, and he lived in it, with a beautiful studio and a beautiful man, but it was none of Ethan’s business. “No, back to my hotel, I still live in Pittsburgh.”  
Justin grabbed his bag, slung it over his shoulder and hailed a cab.

He took a hot shower, but not hot enough to burn away the aggravation the day had left him with. Brian hadn’t come back to the room, and as he dressed he called his voicemail. There were two messages, one from Daphne wishing him luck, and one from Brian saying he was running to late to come back and change but he’d be at the gallery.

Justin put on his shoes and jacket and headed back to the gallery, hoping tonight went quickly.

The gallery was already half full by the time he arrived. He checked his coat and his eyes scanned the room. Brian was in front of him with a glass of champagne before he really had a chance to look for him. He kissed Brian and sighed “I’ve missed you today.”  
He saw the smile reach all the way to his hazel eyes. “It’s only been a couple of hours.”  
“They were very long hours, promise me we’re going straight back to the hotel after the schmoozefest.”  
“I promise.” Brian nodded solemnly, the smirk never leaving his lips and the humor never leaving his eyes.

Justin leaned against Brian for a moment as though borrowing strength and then stood back, straightened his shoulders, plastered a smile on his face and began to circulate.

Brian watched Justin carefully from afar for most of the evening. Ranston had a tendency to usher Brian away each time he headed towards the increasingly popular artist. Apparently it was better to leave him ambiguously gay and somewhat available. Brian understood the sales technique and thus simply stood around looking bored, he fit right in with the rest of the pretentious clientele.

He had already scoped out the pieces Justin was showing before his arrival. A large angry canvass of color and action, a smaller piece that looked suspiciously like something Gus might have made, until you looked closer, and saw that each stroke and each detail told a story, tiny pictures and symbols buried in the seemingly simplistic design. A landscape of their house, including a small orange blur that Brian knew to be Justin's ugly car, and a couple of other works that Brian had seen before. 

He was glancing over at some of the work by another featured artist, trying to decide if this one was right side up or upside down. Justin approached him, apparently Ranston was busy with a wealthy patron and thus Brian was now allowed within five feet of the “very talented young man.”  
The were discussing the possibility that this artists piece was in fact hung the wrong way when Ethan approached them.

Justin was standing so close to Brian that they were almost touching, and Brian was holding back the urge to sling his arm over his shoulders and pull him close. 

The blonde felt Brian's body tense next to his before it registered. He looked up and Brian's eyes had lost all humor, they were dark.  
“Justin, I wanted to stop by to tell you that your work is amazing.”  
Justin simply nodded, willing the stupid fiddler away  
”I’m sorry we couldn’t have talked longer this afternoon, I really wish you’d let me take you to dinner, we still have a lot to say to each other.”  
Justin leaned in closely to Ethan, shaking his hand, and once their faces were mere inches apart, and Justin knew that Brian’s anger was peaking he spoke.  
“Fuck Off.”  
Ethan looked up pretending to just notice Brian. “You two are back together?”  
“He said Fuck Off.” Brian gritted through clenched teeth.  
Ethan shrugged, wandering off, pretending not to be intimidated.   
Justin held Brian's arm and pulled him around to a private corner. “I was going to tell you, I didn’t have time, I ran into him on my way back.”  
‘What did he want?”  
“Me.”  
“Really?”  
“He’s an asshole Brian, I told him that when I left him, I told him that when I saw him this afternoon, and I’ll tell him again if I have to. What the fuck did I ever see in him?”  
Brian shrugged.  
“Why didn’t you tell me I was being a stupid kid?”  
”If I stopped to tell you that every time you were being a stupid kid, I’d never have a chance to say anything else.”  
Justin scrunched up his nose and stuck out his tongue.   
Brian slung his arm around Justin's shoulders, he walked him back out to the show, and then leaned in, claiming Justin's mouth with his own. Justin kissed him back, not giving a shit what Ranston thought. Brian's hands caressed Justin's back and eventually when they broke their kiss Justin leaned against the taller man as he slung his hands over Justin's shoulders. Their fingers intertwined and they surveyed the clientele.  
Justin briefly wondered what was going through Ethan’s mind.  
Brian had only one thought in his “Mine.”

Ethan had watched Justin rush Brian to a more private area and secretly hoped he’d caused a problem between the two, but when they emerged, and he saw them together, their easy grace, the way they fit, their obvious connection he simply left, he realized now that he’d never stood a chance.

After 11 Justin and Brian hailed a cab and discussed their plans for the next day. Technically they had the room until Monday but both realized what they really wanted was to go home. 

It was Sunday morning when they pulled the car into the driveway, they were back earlier than expected, but the plans for dinner and a show before a late flight seemed less appealing than returning home before anyone knew they were there. Brian barely admitted it to himself but Justin’s seeming recovery was still too tenuous and they’d had too many scenes at that particular hotel, he was all too happy to leave, with a mental note to get Cynthia to find another Five Star place in New York and set up an account. 

“What’s Michaels car doing in the driveway?”  
Brian shrugged,” He’s probably at Lindsay’s to see JR”  
Justin nodded. “No one knows we’re back?”  
“Not a soul.”  
He hit the code to unlock the door and Brian's mouth was on Justin's before he could say anything about grabbing their bags and unpacking.  
Brian continued to kiss him, backing Justin slowly up the foyer steps, and through the great room. Their shirts were left where they were removed as they continued their long kiss, and grope session heading towards the bedroom.

“I’m going to fuck you until you see stars,” Brian whispered, his hands pushing at Justin's hips as he guided the blonde towards the bedroom. 

They opened the door and Justin moaned into Brian's mouth when he heard a gasp, it was coming from the bed.

Justin turned around to see Hunter, Naked, laying on top of someone who’s only visible features were her bound arms and the legs she had wrapped around Hunters back. Whomever he was with was obviously there voluntarily.

“Should we have knocked?” Brian asked.  
Justin was aggravated. “What the hell are you doing here?”  
”What does it look like?”   
“Who let you in?”  
”Mikey has a key, Duh.”  
Brian was amused, Justin less so. “Well get the fuck out of my bed.”  
“Fine Christ,” Hunter muttered as he stood up. When Hunter stood Justin got a look at who it was laying beneath him. He turned his back quickly. “And fucking untie my sister!” Justin yelled as Brian became more amused and Justin's temper hit full throttle.


	9. All Mistakes are Temporary II

Chapter 28

“Erm, hi Justin.” Molly said hesitantly, her face bright red, as she waved a bound hand towards her brother.

Justin didn’t notice, he stormed out of the room. Brian raised his eyebrows at the two “get dressed.” And followed his irate little blonde.

He found Justin sitting head in hands on the sofa in the great room. Brian bit his lip trying not to laugh. He sat down beside him.  
“Well, at least she’s not dating someone too old for her.”  
Justin had never wanted to hit Brian so much in his life. “Fuck you.”  
”Oh, come on, it’s funny, except for the part where they’re on our 1200 thread count sheets, that fuckers going to pay for those.”  
“Brian there is nothing funny about this!”   
Brian was about to list the numerous amusing things in the situation when both Hunter and Molly quietly came down the steps hoping to escape unnoticed. Their attempt failed.  
“Get the fuck over here!” Justin yelled, standing up his face red with anger, and his voice brooking no argument. Brian wanted to mention to Justin that he wasn’t wearing a shirt, had about half a dozen hickeys currently visible and one that was disappearing into his waistband but thought better of it and instead simply threw his discarded sweater to him.

Justin was pacing now as Molly red faced and quiet and Hunter, relaxed and seemingly amused sat on the sofa across from them.

Justin tried to gather his thoughts, he tried to focus but all he could think about was killing Hunter in about a thousand different ways. As each new method came to him he turned and paced in the other direction.

Brian wanted to say something, to calm Justin down, to maybe convince Molly that her brother wasn’t about to kill her, although he wasn’t entirely sure of that, and to get Hunter to wipe that smug satisfied smile off his face. He had no idea what to say to accomplish any of this so he leaned against the doorframe of the dining room watching the scene play out.

Finally Justin gave up with creative ideas and just lunged, deciding he’d figure out how to remove Hunters head, including that obnoxious grin once he had his arms wrapped tightly around his neck.

Brian watched Justin stop pacing, he saw him lunge, and realized that maybe he was more upset than he’d originally factored. He tried to pull him off of Hunter. Molly was screaming, and Hunters arms were flailing about. Brian didn’t blame him but he’d be damned if he’d let him hit Justin anyway. He finally got the blonde under control, or at least off of Hunter. He held him, Justin wasn’t comforted, he struggled. 

“Justin, c’mon, you’re not going to accomplish anything this way.”  
”I don’t want to accomplish anything, I want to kill him.” With renewed strength Justin tried again to escape Brian's hold.

“STAY HERE.” Brian commanded the younger couple as he maneuvered the struggling man into the kitchen. He handed him a bottle of water from the fridge. Justin threw it at Brian's head. He ducked and tried again not to laugh. “What exactly is the issue here?”  
”He’s fucking my sister!”  
”I’m fucking her brother, you don’t see her trying to take my head off.”  
”That’s different.”  
“Why?”  
”Because he’s fucking my sister.”  
“Glad we’re using logic.”  
“Brian do you have a sister?”  
“Yeah, you’ve met her, she’s a cunt.”  
“And you don’t care who fucks her?”  
Brian tried to think if he’d ever cared, but he hadn’t, he and his sister didn’t have that kind of relationship. “My family is a bad template to use.”  
Justin’s breathing was more regular now, his face less mottled with rage, “He still needs to die.”  
“Justin, has forbidding a couple to be together ever worked?”  
Justin took a deep breath. “No. That’s why he has to die.”  
Brian ran a hand through his hair, and then pinched the bridge of his nose trying to figure out a way to get this over soon, he still had plans to fuck Justin, well, once they’d changed the sheets. “Why don’t you just go talk to them.”  
“Because he has to die.”  
“Would you stop fucking saying that.”  
“Why?”  
”Because you and Mikey are finally on good terms if you kill Hunter that might change.”  
“Oh fuck, we should call Michael and Ben.”  
“Yes, because they’ll be rational and helpful.”  
”Brian?”  
”Yes sunshine?”  
”Will you help me kill him, we could bury him behind the lake, no one needs to know.”  
“You know, eventually someone was going to fuck your sister, she’s 17.” Brian thought about adding that Hunter may not even be the first, but he wasn’t sure how much Justin could take before his head exploded. He handed Justin a beer, and then poured him a double Gray Goose. “Drink this, and then go talk to them, your sister’s scared to death, and I’m sure you’ll find just the right words to put the fear of god, and big brothers everywhere into Hunter.”  
Justin swallowed the drink in a single gulp and held out the glass. Brian refilled it. When Justin was somewhat calmer, they both carried their beer back towards the couple that was currently involved in some heavy petting on the sofa. Justin lunged again, but this time Brian held him back more easily and the couple separated quickly upon hearing the commotion.

“How long.” It was the first almost rational thing Justin had said since he’d come home.  
“Justin, we’ve been dating for a while.”  
“How long is a while Mollusk?”  
“Don’t call me that, and like three months.”   
Justin buried his face in his hands again. “That’s not a while.”  
“Well how long were you and Brian together before you…” she trailed off. Brian smirked, wondering how Justin was going to answer this one because twenty minutes seemed like it might actually be exaggerating the truth.   
“That’s not the point.”  
“I really like Molly.” Hunter broke in, “and I don’t see why this is such a big deal to you.”  
“She’s my sister.” Justin said, teeth gritted and brain spinning. He knew, logically that he was being ridiculous, that she was the same age he was when he met Brian, that she’d waited three months longer than he had. He knew all of this and what he couldn’t stop was the irrational anger that someone was touching his sister. He suddenly understood how hard his relationship with Brian must have been on his mother, gay or straight, Jesus, she’s just a kid.  
“You’re just a kid.”  
Molly snorted, “hardly.”  
“Look, I wouldn’t hurt her, and we were safe.” Justin had forgotten, had put it out of his mind, his anger had been about something else. Hunter was positive. FUCK!

Brian watched the change in Justin's features, and realized that things were actually now more dangerous. “Hunter, go home.”  
Hunter protested. “Hunter. Go. Home.” Brian said, leading the kid towards the door, “You’ll see Molly again I promise.”   
“Like you’d have anything to say about it.” Brian considered helping Justin bury him behind the lake, but settled for pushing the littlest hustler out the door and closing it behind him.  
“I’ll be upstairs, changing the sheets.” He looked at Molly pointedly and she blushed a similar shade to her brother. “You two should talk.”

Molly moved to sit next to her brother, taking his hand in hers. “Justin.”  
“Yeah?”  
”You okay?”  
”No.”  
”I am.”  
”No you’re not.”  
Molly was trying to be understanding, but Justin was being a dick.  
“Fuck you I am fine.”  
“Molly, he’s positive.” Justin said it quietly.   
”You think I don’t know that? Do you really think I’m some dumb kid who’d just go off and sleep with a guy she didn’t even know?” Justin buried his head deeper into his hands, trying to battle the horrible screams of hypocrite that were assailing his brain from within.  
“I know everything about him, his shitty mother, his shitty life, his shitty disease. He’s a good man, he’s a nice guy, he opens doors, and when we’re alone he’s different, not so arrogant and annoying and he likes me, and I love him and why can’t you just be happy for me?”  
Justin wanted to call his mother and apologize for everything ever.  
“Because you’re my little sister and I worry about you.”  
“Yeah well I haven’t been a little girl for a while, and you haven’t been around much, in case you forgot.”  
Justin looked up sharply. His eyes meeting Molly’s, he knew what she’d said was true. He’d left when she was 12, and hadn’t lived at home since, they’d stayed in contact but not like they should have, not like he should have. “Christ Molly, I’m sorry, I’ve been a shitty brother.”  
“No Justin, you’ve been fine, but you can’t just walk in now and start telling me what to do.”  
“Okay, lets start here, how bout if I can tell you what you can’t do IN MY BED!”  
Molly looked down at her hands. “Hunter said you wouldn’t be back until late tonight or tomorrow.”  
“But why here?”  
”Well we can’t all have old boyfriend with their own apartments.” Justin gave a half smile. “You should dump him, and join a convent.”  
“We’re not catholic.”  
“Then just dump him and…”  
“I’m not gonna dump him Justin, I love him.”  
He wanted to tell her that there was no way to know who you loved at 17, but then he heard Brian coming down the steps and realized nothing he said was going to make an impact.  
“Does mom know?”  
”About Hunter?”  
“No, about your mid term exams.”  
”She knows I’ve been seeing someone and that he’s about my age, she wants to meet him.”  
”She already has.”  
“She doesn’t know that part yet.”  
“What about Michael and Ben?”  
”Yeah they know, but not about using your house, Hunter said Michael would kill him.”  
”Michaels not the only one.” Brian said, lounging easily on the chair. “What the fuck were you doing in our room?”  
”We already covered this.” Justin said.  
Brian nodded, taking the hint to shut up.  
“Moll, let me drive you home, and you have to tell mom.”  
“Justin.”  
”I’m not telling her, it’s your turn.”  
Molly pouted and Brian noticed that the two shared more than hair color.   
“Fine, but can we take the ‘vette, your car is ugly.”   
Brian laughed out loud, “You know, if I were straight…”  
Justin gave him a look that promised horrible nights of torture and not in a fun way if he didn’t shut up right then and there.   
“We’re taking my car.”

The siblings talked on the ride home and Justin somehow managed to swallow almost half of his anger by the time he pulled into the garage. He was still furious but somewhere the rational side of his brain was reminding him that he had no right to be. His head hurt as though the rational side and the pure protective brother side were actually having a death match in his cerebellum. He walked directly into the den, and pulled out Brian's stash.

Brian removed the canister from Justin's hand. Before he even had time to protest he simply explained. “You can’t roll a joint for shit.”  
He expertly rolled one, and while Justin lit it rolled another, he had a feeling this might take several before Justin was mellow enough to be considered okay.

They were working on their third joint, silently, both drinking directly from their respective bottles. Brian felt the event called for scotch. Justin had always been a rum fan in times of family crisis.

“We have to buy a new bed.”  
Brian raised his eyebrows, it was his only movement. They were on the sofa, Justin sitting/slouching, Brian on his back head on Justin's lap.   
“We’re not getting rid of our bed.”  
Justin shuddered, “We’re never having sex in that bed again.”  
“Hey, I’m not happy about our bed being used for breeder sex either but…”  
“My sister, Hunter is fucking my sister.”  
“I thought we covered that hours ago.”  
“It keeps popping back in my head, like that stupid pink bunny.”  
“There’s a pink bunny in your head?”  
”That battery bunny.”  
“Oh yeah, the guy who thought of that was brilliant.”  
“I liked those other ads better.”  
“Which ones?”  
“The ones that were dumb but meant we could afford the kitchen stuff.”  
Brian laughed a little. “They weren’t dumb.”  
“Were too, but they also mean we can afford a new bed.”  
“I changed the sheets.”  
“Did you burn the old ones?”  
“I think a run through the spin cycle should get all the sister juice out.”  
Justin shuddered again, exhaling and passing the joint to Brian, and taking a deep pull from the rum, “don’t say sister juice.”  
“What should I call it?”  
”Nothing, don’t call it anything, she’s 12”  
“No, I think she’s older.”  
“Can’t she just be 12?”  
”Only if I can be 19 forever.”  
“19?”  
”Yeah, perfect body, never had to work out, never needed sleep, fucked all day, all night, nineteen was a good year.”  
“you still do all of that, except you work out.”  
“And I need at least 6 hours of sleep.”  
“A week?”  
Brian laughed again, “Yes, with you I get about six hours of sleep a week.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
Brian reached a hand up, trying to put his fingers on Justin's lips to shush him, but he missed and ended up with a finger halfway into his nose.  
“Hey, when they say penetrate every orifice, I think it’s just an expression.” Justin wrinkled his nose and swatted Brian's hand away.  
“I was trying to get you to shut up.”  
“Why?”  
”Because you were breaking a rule I think.”  
”No I wasn’t I was saying you should sleep more, like now.” He ran his hands through the brown hair lying on his lap, running gentle fingers over his eyelids, pulling them closed. “Shhhh” sleep.  
Inhaling deeply through his nose Brian savored the feel of Justin's fingertips on his face. His eyes were closed which is why he didn’t have a chance to move his head before Justin's hand slapped down hard on his forehead.

Justin soothed Brian and then lay his own head back, only to have the image that was now burned into the back of his eyelids return. He slapped his hand against his thigh, forgetting that Brian’s head was currently resting there.

“Ouch.”  
”I’m sorry.”  
“That’s the rule! That’s the rule you broke!”  
“You’re drunk I didn’t break a rule.”  
“You aren’t allowed to say that word. And again ouch.”  
“Even if I hit you in the head?”  
“Even then.”  
“Then I’m not sorry, but I should call my mom, and tell her I’m sorry.”  
“Did you hit your mom in the head?”  
”No but Brian, I fucked you after 20 minutes when I was 17, what the fuck was I doing?”  
”You were doing me, and it was hot.”  
“Yeah but my mom must have been really upset.”  
Brian chuckled, “She got over it.”  
“I’m never getting over it, we have to switch rooms.”  
“We’re not switching rooms.”  
“Hunter was naked in our room.”  
“Well, it’s not the first time Hunters been naked.”  
“It better be the first time he’s been naked in our bed.”  
“I’m sure it was.”  
“Oh god Brian, what if it wasn’t?”  
Brian reached for another joint, and lit it, inhaling deeply and passing it to Justin who was obviously not stoned enough yet. “I’m sure it was.”  
“He had her tied to the bed.”  
“Mmmmmm hmmmm.” There was no good response to that statement.  
“We have to sell the house, we need a whole new house”  
“Brian sat up, put out the roach Justin was holding and pulled Justin off the sofa, “That’s it, lets go.”  
“Where are we going?”  
”To bed, we’re going to re-christen it.”  
”I’m serious, we’re never ever ever having sex there again.”  
“Okay.” Brian continued to lead the staggering blonde towards the bedroom.  
“Never ever ever ever ever.”  
Brian nodded at him, while they walked upstairs.  
“Not ever again.”  
He pushed Justin back on the bed, pulling off his pants, and then his shirt. The entire time Justin was simply repeating the phrase “never ever”   
When they were both naked Brian allowed Justin to continue mumbling as his mouth moved along the boys body.  
He rolled him over, and Justin was now moaning but the words were the same “never ever ever again.” Brian let him continue the mantra as he slowly moved his tongue in and out of Justin's ass. It was almost two full minutes before Justin's moans of never ever became more coherent.  
“HEY! I was making a point here.”  
”Me too.” Brian replied, continuing to move his tongue. He reached for a condom and moved up Justin's back, his tongue dragging along his spine as the blonde buried his head into the pillow continuing to insist that they would never again have any kind of sex in this bed.

When Brian pushed himself inside Justin pushed back, moaning Brian's name, his drunken fog lifting slightly as he realized that Brian had tricked him. And then he let the lovely feelings wash over him, deciding that they could sell the bed in the morning.

When morning arrived the two of them were too hung over to list the bed on ebay.

“I think you broke a rule.”  
Brian's looked at him questioningly, “I don’t have rules”  
“I said never, and then…”  
“Didn’t feel like redecorating just because…” Brian trailed off, not knowing what to say that wouldn’t enrage Justin again. It didn’t work.  
“FUCK!”  
“You do realize that eventually you’ll have to get over this.”  
“I’ll be over it once Hunter is dead.”  
Brian pulled Justin closer, “We can’t kill him, Ben’s pretty strong, I think he could take us.”  
“Fuck Ben.”  
“I did, and I don’t do repeats”  
Justin reached over Brian for a cigarette, rolled onto his back and lit it. “We have to fix this.”  
“What’s to fix?”  
”He’s fucking my sister.”  
Justin inhaled deeply and Brian took the cigarette from him, taking a drag and handing it back, “She’ll be okay.”  
“What if she’s not.”  
“You keep acting like this and she won’t tell you if she’s not.”  
Exhaling he considered the wisdom of Brian's words. “You know that thing you do?”  
Brian raised his eyebrows, “Which thing?”  
”The thing where everyone thinks you’re an asshole but in the end you’re doing it for their own good even if they never figure it out and stay mad at you for a long time?”  
Brian nodded. “Yeah?”  
”Lets do that.”  
Brian laughed, “I’ve never done it just because someone was fucking your sister.”  
Justin groaned at hearing the words coming out of someone else’s mouth. “But we could do it, an evil master plan.”  
“My plans aren’t evil.”  
“Sometimes they are.”  
“They’re for everyone’s own good, and I don’t even do that thing you’re accusing me of anyway.”  
“Oh, you sooo do it. You did it to Mikey on his birthday, and you did it to me before the Rage party and you did it to me when I dropped out of school and you did it to me when you were sick…”  
“Hey, you do it to me a lot.”  
Brian stared up at the ceiling, not enjoying this little trip down “Brian’s an asshole lane”  
“Don’t know what you’re talking about, C’mon, I’ve got to be at the office in less than an hour, and you stink.”  
“We both stink, and Hunter’s fucking my sister.”  
“Well a shower will fix all that.”  
“You’re not making any sense.” Justin’s eyes narrowed.  
Brian shrugged, “you haven’t made sense since we walked in on them.”

They showered, dressed and Brian went off to work with promises from Justin that there would be no murder planning without him. “Remember I’m the brains of this operation.”  
Justin snorted but agreed that he would not kill Hunter today.

His work in the studio had a very angry aspect to it, and a lot of images that if looked at carefully might resemble a creepy little skate rat being decapitated. The work may never see the light of day but he felt a little better, and sometime after two headed over to Lindsay’s to see Gus and JR.

Lindsay was on Brian’s side, she thought it was cute and amusing, and was actually happy for Hunter and Molly.  
“you’re right.” She said, “They shouldn’t have used your bed.”  
He leaned his head back, why did nobody get this. “he shouldn’t be”…he glanced over at Gus happily playing “WITH my sister.”  
“Justin, think about how hard Hunter’s had it, and he’s positive, your sister may be one of the few people, let alone girls his age, who can understand.”  
“Why because I’m gay?”  
”Because she sort of knows our bizarre incestuous little family, and because she cares about you and Brian, and because she understands things, and because she and Hunter, well, they seem to really like each other.”  
Justin's head snapped up, his eyes meeting Lindsay’s “You’ve known about this?”  
”For a little while, I see Hunter when I drop off JR, and then Molly seemed to be around a lot, and then she needed a woman to talk to.”  
Justin dropped his head in his hands again. “You told her it was okay?”  
“Not to use your bed, not even to sleep with Hunter, but if they were going to, well, we can’t all have Brian teaching us can we?”  
“So you’ve known.”  
“I’ve know they were dating, I had a feeling it was moving on to more, but Justin, they’re sweet, they’re young and they think they’re in love.”  
“With that stupid hustler, she’s in love with that little rat bastard hustler.”  
“Justin, you’re not being fair.”  
“How am I supposed to be fair when he’s…”  
“Yes, I’ve heard, he’s with your sister.”  
“Lindsay, they shouldn’t be together, she’s going to get hurt.”  
“She probably will, first love hurts.”  
“Then we have to stop it.”  
“Justin, do you remember your first love?”  
“How can I forget it, I live with him.”  
“Yes but do you remember when you didn’t care, I mean about anything other than seeing him, not about what your parents thought, or we thought, or what anyone told you.”  
“I was a stupid kid, a stupid stupid kid.”  
“You were in love, and nothing anyone said could make you believe that there was anything else in the world for you but Brian.”  
“There wasn’t, there still isn’t.”  
Lindsay smiled, “There is, but you have Brian as a part of all that now.”  
“But that’s not how it works, I mean not for most people, not for anyone really, I was lucky.”  
“Lucky?”  
”You don’t think I was lucky?”  
“I think you were very lucky, after a lot of hard work.”  
“Lindz, he’s gonna hurt her.”  
“I don’t think he is.”  
Justin gritted his teeth. “You’re telling me I’m just supposed to accept this?”  
”What option do you have?”  
“There’s the killing him and burying him behind the lake.”  
Lindsay smiled, “and aside from that?”  
Justin sighed deeply. Will you come for brunch, Sunday? I’m thinking I’ll have a whole family get together.”  
“We’ll be there.”  
“You know I’d invite Mel but…”  
“It’s okay, it’ll just be me and the kids, no need for you and Brian to blow gaskets at the same time, you’re much better when you’re taking turns.”  
Justin smiled ruefully, “I think it’s been my turn for a little too long.” He glanced at his watch, “I’ve got to go, thanks.”  
“Anytime.”   
Lindsay finished folding the laundry kissed Justin on the cheek, and watched him walk out, knowing he’d eventually come to terms with this.

The week passed, and everyone agreed to come, His mother, Molly, Michael, Ben, Hunter, Ted, Emmett, Blake, Deb, even Carl. Brian wasn’t sure what Justin had in mind, but he was determined to find out before there was a melee in his dining room.

They were getting undressed for bed, it was Saturday night and they’d spent a quiet day for them, studio work, client account catch-up, take out Chinese. They were both a little buzzed from the joint they’d shared earlier, but mostly they were both just tired.

“So what’s on the agenda for tomorrow?”  
”Brunch.”  
“I mean ulterior motive wise?”  
“No ulterior motives, just figured that a lovely brunch with our entire extended incestuous stupid family would be fun.”  
“Fun.” Brian rolled the word around on his tongue like he’d never heard it before.  
“Fun, you know, that thing you have when you’re not miserable.”  
“I know, I’ve just never thought of it connected with the word family.”  
“You have fun with Gus.”  
“Not in the middle of a shit storm.”  
“It’s not going to be anything like that, if they’re a couple, then they can act like one, showing up at family functions and behaving like adults.”  
Brian smiled, “You’re trying to scare them away from each other.”  
Justin threw his shirt at him “I am not, I’m just welcoming the new couple into the fold.”

Brian rolled himself on top of a now naked Justin, “let me welcome you into a fold of our own.”


	10. All Mistakes are Temporary II

Chapter 29

Brunch started of well, until Jennifer and Molly arrived. Everything seemed to get quiet. Hunter walked towards Molly taking her hand in his. Chatter started back up as the all moved to the dining room. Justin clenched his teeth and watched as the two sat next to each other.

He was cutting up fruit when Brian grabbed a full serving dish to put out. “Make them put their hands above the table.”   
Brian smirked, “what is it you think they’re doing under there?”  
”Same thing you used to do to me.”  
“Yu never seemed to mind.”  
Justin chopped louder.   
“Hey, don’t hurt yourself this is supposed to be fun remember?”  
Justin flashed him a grin, it was fake, but it was a start. “Fun.”

The rest of brunch went relatively well. Small glances were aimed at the newest couple, and then back at Justin to see how he was handling it, but he kept himself in check. By the time they reached coffee and dessert conversation was back to regular topics, Blue and her recently winning another show, Brian and Justin’s progress on the home gym, Where Molly was thinking of applying for college.

It was well after three before the house was empty again, except for Lindsay and Gus. Michael and Ben had taken JR for a couple of days, Hunter and Molly had gone off together to see a movie, and the rest had disbursed to their own lives.

Lindsay sat back on the sofa in the den, and put in a Dora The Explorer Disc for Gus to watch, she was tired.

Justin felt no better about the situation, but he had brought his anger somewhat under control, hopefully Molly would choose a school well away from the little interloper and that would be that. He held on to that hope while he turned on the dishwasher and joined Lindsay and Brian in the den.

“Well that WAS fun.”   
“Shut up, it was nice to see everyone.”  
Lindsay smiled, “It went smoothly.”  
“Yes, I didn’t kill him.”  
“And we’re all very proud of you.” Brian said as he pulled Justin down almost on top of him. 

The three of them sat in silence for a while, tired and relaxed, listening to the background noise of the Dora show as Gus slept on the rug in front of the TV.  
“Should we move him to a bed?”  
Lindsay looked up, “let him sleep, he’s fine there for now.”  
“So, have you heard back from the college?”   
Brian looked up “What College?”  
“Oh, Allegheny Community College Needed a Director of their art program, I had an interview but I’m sure they’ll find someone more qualified.”  
Brian nodded, “Capwell is the Dean there.”  
“You know the dean of ACC?”  
”They use us for their ads sometimes Brian shrugged, and I went to school with him.”  
“Brian, no phone calls, I get the job or I don’t, on my own merits.”  
“No phone calls.” Brian repeated.

When Gus woke up he seemed to have more energy than ever, and Lindsay took him outside to run around.  
“Brian she meant it when she said no phone calls.”  
“She didn’t say anything about emails, or lunch.”  
“Brian.”  
He smirked, “Relax, I’ll let Lindsay get the job on her own merits.”

The next week seemed to fly by for Justin; he had his creative force back. Yes, he was having a few more anxiety attacks then before, but he was still seeing his therapist twice a week, he made it to the appointments on his own, and was usually on time. He was working on something he thought might be brilliant and was totally focused on it. 

Thursday Brian knocked on the door. “Here, I picked them up for you.”  
“Thanks.” Justin took the bag with his medication in it; Brian drove by the pharmacy on the way home so he usually picked them up.  
“Come on in.”  
Brian was surprised; it had been a while since Justin had allowed him into the studio. It was a mess again, full ashtrays, empty water bottles, but, Brian noticed also, food wrappers. “We need to let Magdalena in here again.”  
“Yeah when I’m done with that.” Justin gestured to a large canvas covered with a sheet. “Still not ready for viewing?’  
“Nope.”

Brian picked up the medicine bottled he’d handed to Justin and took them back towards the bathroom to replace the old ones. 

“What the fuck?”  
“What?”  
”When did you stop taking these?”  
“Justin shrugged, about a week ago, I’m doing well, I don’t need them anymore.”  
He shrugged. “Take them okay.”  
“I really am okay now, I’m not obsessing, I’m sleeping, I just don’t need to be drugged all the time to function.”  
Brian nodded, hoping Justin was right. He walked out of the studio and went upstairs to change, when he came back to the den Justin was there.  
“Don’t be mad.”  
“I’m not mad.”  
“You’re something.”  
“I’m something else.” Brian smirked.  
“Seriously, I have been doing better, without those things, you haven’t had to worry about me, I haven’t had to worry about myself, c’mon, this is a good thing. It’s over.”  
Brian nodded. “That would be good.”  
“You don’t think it’s over?”  
”We’ll see.”  
Justin gave him a bright smile, “you look tense.” He crawled next to Brian and began soothing his shoulders with gentle fingers. He kissed the top of Brian's head when he leaned it back.   
“Here, sit on the floor, so I can work you over.” His eyebrows shot up but he complied, and allowed Justin's fingers to work their way down his shoulders and arms, along the muscles of his back, and eventually he found himself laying face down on the floor, the little blonde straddling his hips as he cracked his back for him and continued using his fingers and hands work through the tight knots of muscles.

It had all started innocently enough but when Justin's hands moved lower down his waist, slipping under the waistband of his already unbuttoned jeans he felt it become something else. 

Justin worked Brian's muscles, feeling the tension leave them, wanting to show him that he was okay again, able to take care of Brian for a change, and just wanting the older man to relax. He worked diligently, as he did with everything, not stopping until he was sure he had done everything he possibly could. He felt the change in Brian's breathing as his hands slipped down below his waistband, and he felt himself harden when he noticed that Brian was, as usual, not wearing any underwear. He continued his massage, slowly, deliberately, not changing the rhythm or the pressure, simply moving lower until Brian spun underneath him and their eyes locked.

Brian waited for Justin to make a move, but he didn’t he continued to slowly massage his lower back, but the small grinding movements he was making against his ass were about more than a massage. Brian could be patient, but he had his limits, eventually he decided it was time to take what he wanted. He flipped over quickly, and their eyes met.

Justin smiled; licking his lips as Brian pulled his lower lip between his own teeth and released it in a gesture Justin was pretty sure would raise him from the grave just to kiss this man one more time. He leaned in and their mouths met. Brian's hands were on Justin's thighs, sliding up and kneading the round globes of his ass through the fabric of cargo pants he’d been wearing in the studio. 

He ran his hand along the seam that followed the crack of Justin's ass and watched as the blonde’s eyes darkened with want, and smirked, as he seemed to be readying himself already. Justin's hands slid lower, unzipping Brian's jeans and pulling them down just a bit, his eyes now mesmerized by Brian's throbbing cock, he slid lower on Brian's body, mouth literally watering as he pushed his head down, taking the entire member down his throat in a swift movement that elicited a gasp from Brian who buried his hands in the blonde hair. Justin used every trick he knew, moving his head and his tongue, using his throat, and his mouth, sucking and licking. He released Brian from his mouth only to flatten his tongue along the base of the shaft and run it along the vein that ran there. The soft hot tongue, and the sight of Justin enjoying himself by giving such pleasure made Brian impossibly harder.

Justin started licking again, and in moments Brian was coming down Justin's throat, as he swallowed, the thick hot liquid sliding deliciously down his mouth. Only when Justin was sure that he had milked Brian dry, did he remove his mouth, sitting up with a very satisfied grin on his face. 

“Well that relieved some tension.”   
Justin laughed and leaned his body against Brian's, “Maybe yours, but now I’m all tense.”  
His strong arms pulled the blonde closer as he rolled them over.   
“Fuck me Brian, I want you to fuck me.”  
Brian didn’t need to hear it to know what he wanted, but it didn’t make it less hot. He grabbed a condom out of his pocket, still not bothering to fully remove his jeans. As he pulled Justin's cargo pants off of him the feeling of his body wriggling to assist him heightened his arousal. He pulled Justin forward until he was in line with his ass and Justin's legs were wrapped around his back. Justin's mouth was open, his breathing shallow with need, his body jumped at the lightest touch and Brian pushed into him, showing no mercy, finding the sensitive bundle of nerves and pushing into it, swiping the head of his cock against it, never letting up.

Justin had lost all words, all he could feel was the bolts of electricity shooting from his center to his toes, to his fingertips, through his body with no respite,   
“so close, Brian, close”  
Brian’s hands ran up his chest, pushing his paint stained t-shirt towards his neck and tweaked at his nipples and then slid his strong palms along the sides and up to Justin's shoulder blades, pulling him up, making his back arch more, his body take him deeper. “Come for me.” And Justin did, he came, his muscles tightening around Brian, pulling him as deep as he could go. Brian kept his rhythm, never stopping his assault on Justin's prostate until he could feel the quivering throughout his entire body. He released his hold and Justin fell back, and as he leaned over him he pushed again, and Justin's eyes shot open as a wicked look crossed Brian's face. 

Brian started again, leaving the blonde no time to catch his breath. He continued to move inside him and Justin was sure that this time Brian would kill him with his insatiable appetite, this time his body would just disintegrate under the barrage of sensations but he felt himself harden again, felt his body respond, and met Brian's strokes, his hands pulling him closer, his dick loving the feel of Brian's body rubbing against it. He came again, and this time Brian came with him. Justin’s body jerked so hard, spasmed and clamped down on Brian so tightly it almost hurt, almost. Brian threw back his head and emitted a deep growl as his entire body shook with the force of his orgasm. And while watching Justin's body, writhe and twitch he couldn’t help but bump a few more times against the sweet spot, watching Justin's back arch, his fingers reach for something, anything, but finding only hardwood beneath him he lay his hands flat against the wood and used the leverage to raise his body closer to Brian's, his back arched so that only his shoulders were on the floor. He gasped, and moaned, and then finally Brian withdrew, and he collapsed, trembling.

Brian pulled his cigarettes and lighter off the coffee table as he lay beside Justin on the hardwood floor. The rug they had started on was askew and nowhere near them anymore. He inhaled deeply and offered the cigarette to Justin who tried to grab it but then simply flopped his hand back down deciding it was too much energy.

Laughing Brian held the cigarette up to Justin's lips, and let him inhale. He took another drag himself. Justin exhaled deeply, concentrating on getting his breathing back to normal. 

The phone rang.

They both turned towards each other, mouths open each to command the other to get it. Instead they kissed. Eventually the phone stopped ringing. Then it rang, again. Then Brian's jeans began to ring and he cursed. He cursed louder when he saw who it was.

“Mommy’s dead.”  
”Fuck when?”  
”She… I just, She was home and now she’s gone. I found her.”  
“Claire, calm the fuck down, where are you now?”  
“I’m at her house, they took her away Brian.”  
Brian rolled his eyes and sighed, “I’ll be there soon okay?”  
“Brian,” she was sobbing.   
“Did you call anyone else?”  
She made a noise that Brian interpreted as a no.  
“Okay call the minister, I’m sure he’ll come to keep you company and I’ll get there when I can.”  
Claire made another sound that Brian chose to interpret as a yes and hung up the phone.  
“Fuck?”  
”What’s wrong?”  
“My mother died.”  
Justin was struck dumb; he had no idea what to say. “Brian, I’m…”  
“Don’t even think about saying you’re sorry, I’ve got shit to do, Claire’s already falling apart and I’m gonna be stuck with this mess.”  
“You know I’ll help.”  
“Yeah, thanks, I’ve got to go, she’s sitting in the her house waiting for me.”  
“Claire?”   
“No, my dead mother.”  
“Brian.”  
He kissed Justin and sat up, looking for his shirt.  
“I’m coming with you.”  
“You don’t have to.”  
“I’m coming with you.”  
Brian nodded and together they gathered their clothes, and drove in to his mother’s house. By the time they got there Justin had used his time wisely and called all of their family to let them know, Michael was waiting at the door when Brian and Justin arrived.  
“I figured you could use some help, you know, at least to handle Claire while you handle the other stuff.”  
Brian kissed Michael on the mouth and let Mikey hug him   
“Thanks.”  
Michael nodded and Brian walked in, Michael and Justin flanking him on either side.

Claire was crying the good Reverend Butterfield holding her hand in the dimly lit room.   
She stood up as soon as she saw Brian and clung to him. 

Brian resisted the urge to push her off and run, he hated this woman, he hated his mother, he wasn’t even that fond of the good Reverend, but he stood expressionless, motionless and emotionless while Claire cried against him. Eventually he looked up to meet the concerned face of the minister.   
“What the fuck happened?”  
“It seems your mother took a fall late last night, or early this morning. Claire came by to bring her to church for the Late Sunday Service and found her. She was gone when the EMT’s got here, apparently she’d been gone for some time, they think she may have had a heart attack, which caused the fall.

“Or she was too fucking drunk and fell down the goddamned stairs.”

“Brian!” both Claire and Michael berated. Brian rolled his eyes and Justin just put his hand on the small of Brian’s back, wanting to lend him comfort, but having no idea how at the moment.

“We’ll need to make arrangements.” The reverend said, I can hold the service as early as Tuesday, will you be having a wake?”  
Brian pushed Claire off of him and steered her towards the reverend, who sat her down and continued to hold her hand, passing her a box of tissues.  
“I don’t know.” Brian said  
The reverend nodded, “Of course. It’s just that the hospital needs a signature to release the body, and you’ll need to find a funeral home, and…”  
“I know what the fuck I’m doing.” Brian said, “I did this for my father already.”  
The reverend nodded silently and Brian took the stairs two at a time to get away from the scene downstairs.  
Michael stayed with Claire; Justin followed Brian and found him sitting on what must have been his parent’s bed.  
“She’s got a plot, right next to dads, I’ve just got to find the name of the cemetery and the funeral home we used” He opened a drawer on the far side of the room. “She always kept the important papers here. Under her one good pair of earrings and her mothers watch.”  
Justin sat silently while Brian riffled through the papers finding what he needed. He made a few terse phone calls and then continued to move as if in a daze, seemingly unaware of Justin’s presence, possibly talking to himself.   
“Should dress her in a leather corset and fuck me pumps, just to piss her off.” He pushed dress after dress aside until he found something he seemed satisfied with. “This’ll do.”  
He headed back downstairs.  
“Martins will be picking her up, I’ve got to drop these off, he held up the suit and shoes, so that they can get her ready. We’ll have a wake Tuesday, figure on a church service and graveside burial on Wednesday.”  
The Reverend nodded.  
Brian leaned in and kissed Mikey again, You can get out of here now, Claire’s got a lot to do, and so do I, and I’m sure you’re needed at the store, thanks.”  
Michael nodded; extricating his hand from Claire’s and both Justin and Michael followed Brian out.

By the time they got home Brian was silent, his face blank, and they both went to bed, neither saying much.

In the morning they headed towards the funeral home.  
“Fuck, did I bring my checkbook?”  
”Brian, I’m sure you can write them a check after it’s all….”  
“No, they’re gonna want payment, dammit, check the glove compartment.”  
Justin did, “yeah, you’ve got a check book in there.”  
Brian lit a cigarette and the rest of the trip was interrupted only by the voice of the radio announcer.

When they got to the Martins Funeral Home Brian seemed to steel himself before entering, and Justin felt like he should be doing something, anything to help him but he didn’t know what, or how.

“I need to be stoned to do this.”  
Justin held Brian's hand, “I’ll be here for you.”  
Brian nodded, his face blank. A short man in a conservative suit came to greet them and take them back to a small wood paneled office.  
Brian gave him the details he’d need to place the obituary, and agreed to times and discussed locations.  
“where will the wake be held.”  
“The Church,”   
the man nodded, and wrote down the address, “now, we’ll need you to choose a casket”  
Justin saw Brian flinch but just held his hand tighter. The man opened the door in the back of his office that led to a showroom, and Brian looked at the dozens of models laid out expensive sports cars. He walked slowly around them his face remaining blank. Justin stood back, watching him run his hands along the smooth tops of the grisly boxes and tried to read his expression, but Brian wouldn’t raise his eyes. Eventually he climbed into one and laid down.  
“Brian, c’mon, I’m pretty sure they’re not supposed to be taken for a test drive.”  
Brian frowned, “this one’s too short, promise me when you bury me I won’t have to lay with my knees bent for eternity.”  
Justin to a sharp inhale of breath “I’m not promising anything, I’m not burying you, you’re not dying.”  
“Justin, we all die.”  
“Yeah well, not today, only one Kinney a day gets to die, so…out of the fucking coffin.”  
Brian pulled the lid closed over himself and Justin panicked.  
He’d had this image, this dream this fucking nightmare so many times, Brian dead, the final time they close the casket, and now he was standing here watching it. He started to hyperventilate.  
“Brian! It’s not fucking funny.” He pulled the lid up and Brian was laughing.

Brian was laughing until he saw Justin's face. He pulled himself out of the box quickly and pulled Justin to him,  
“It was a joke.”  
“Well it wasn’t fucking funny”  
“I’m not going anywhere”  
“You fucking better not.”  
“You okay?” he felt Justin nod against his chest and pull back a little, and the two of them continued to look around the showroom. “I wonder what the markup is on these?”  
”Brian, are you gonna haggle with the guy?”  
”No, I’m just saying there’s no way this thing costs like seven grand to make.”  
“Yeah well, it’s not like you have to buy more than one.”  
“Whatever, this one.” He pointed to a simple black box, white satin inside, silver hardware. Justin nodded, looks good to me.   
“The funeral director came back in, “have we made a decision?”  
”That one.” Brian repeated, pointing to it.   
“And would you like an embellishment?”  
”Brian stared at him.”  
“On the top, we can put an emblem, if she was a member of a union, or a dove or a cross.”  
Brian smiled, “how bout a gay pride symbol?”  
Justin hit him in the chest, “Brian.”  
He turned his attention to the Funeral director, “A cross, she was religious”  
The man nodded and went back to his office to finish the paperwork. “Brian you have to take this seriously?”  
”Why?”  
Justin was at a loss, he shrugged, “Suit yourself.”  
They finished the paperwork and brought the suit and shoes for his mother in from the car. And they left.  
Deb, Michael Ben and Lindsay were all at the house when they got back.  
Brian walked past them all and went upstairs.  
“How’s he holding up kiddo?”  
”He’s fine I guess, I mean, he’s Brian, he’s just doing what he has to do.”  
Debbie put a comforting arm on Justin's shoulder, “he does that, but he pretends to be a lot tougher than he is, you make sure he’s okay, got it?”  
Justin nodded, “Oh and tell him not to worry about the wake, Emmet and I will handle the catering.” Justin nodded again and went upstairs to make sure Brian was okay.

“Hey.”  
“Hey.”  
“Debbie and Emmett are going to cater the wake.”  
“Good.” Brian lit a joint and deeply inhaled, not even bothering to offer a hit to Justin. “I don’t fucking need this right now.”  
Justin said nothing, hoping Brian might open up, express something other than aggravation but he wasn’t too hopeful. They’d been together six years, what Justin was really hoping for was that the fallout didn’t have too high of a body count.

The wake went as expected, flowers, Claire crying hysterically, Lasagna and a Deli Platter. Brian was half stoned and mostly drunk through the entire thing but managed to be morose and subdued, which was far better than belligerent and loud, so everyone was simply relieved that for the moment chaos had been averted.

Justin drove them back, Brian was in no state to drive, or talk apparently, he was lost in his own thoughts.

Brian glanced over at Justin and scared himself with how comforted he was that Justin was still there, still with him. He was an orphan, he’d wished for it for so long, wanted his parents, his past gone, wanted to be free of that house, and that family and now he had everything he wanted, his own company, an amazingly hot guy who never seemed to tire of him and his parents were both gone. His childhood was gone, behind him, and he was… Sad. He ran the emotion over in his head several times, trying to make it something else. 

Anger made sense, joy made sense, relief made sense, sadness didn’t and no matter how many time he tired to turn it into something else, no matter how many times he told himself he was thinking about it wrong he couldn’t feel anything but loss. Fuck, he’d said goodbye to his mother years ago, probably before he’d written his father off. He may have hated the old man, hated Jack for hitting him, for not wanting him, for being the backslapping breeder he never wanted to be, but there was a part of him that understood Jack Kinney. 

There was a part of Brian that knew that he was a lot like his father, that settling down, tying himself to a single person, trying to live up to what one person wanted, was beyond him. And while he’d hated his dad for the drinking and the hitting, he’d at least understood some of the reasoning behind it. What he never understood what Joan. 

Why would you put up with that shit? He didn’t understand staying voluntarily with someone who hated you. He’d gotten the fuck out as soon as he could, and Joan had stayed. He’d offered her an out once, when he’d first had the money, told her she could go anywhere, he’d help, but she stayed. “I don’t believe in divorce.” She’d told him. But she believed in staying perpetually drunk. Staying unhappy and unloved with a man who hated her, hated his life, and his family. Brian hated his mother because he couldn’t respect her, couldn’t understand her, and she had never tried to understand him.

He knew, he knew that he’d never really tried, never given her a chance to understand him but even if she had, her church, if not her reverend, was clear on fags, and what an abomination they were. His mother loved Claire, because she’d done her duty, married an asshole, had snotty bratty little grandchildren for her, and that was more respectable than living an honest life. He took the vial out of his pocket and snorted. He needed to be far more fucked up than he was because his head was spinning and the funeral was tomorrow and he should be angry, and joyous and relieved and instead he was sad.

Justin glanced at Brian's blank expression as he drove them back to the house, he watched his fingers become whiter as his fists tightened, and he wanted to reach out, to touch him, to tell him it was okay, whatever he was feeling was okay, but he was not sure how Brian would take it. He wanted to lighten the mood, but he didn’t know how. He saw Brian take a snort and wondered what it was he was taking. He seemed far too calm for it to be coke, and Brian wasn’t a crystal fan. He watched carefully. He resigned himself to watching Brian carefully for the next few days, his downward spiral, and Justin wasn’t new at this, that’s what this was gonna be, was gonna spin fast. Justin sat up a little straighter in the car, getting his head ready for his one and only job at this point, to make sure that wherever Brian spun off to, he came back, in one piece. That at the end of this they were both in once piece and still together.

With that in mind Justin pulled into the driveway and led Brian to the bedroom to let him release whatever pent up feelings he had in the way he did best. They didn’t talk, they said nothing, but their bodies communicated as they always did. Justin making it clear that he was here for Brian, and Brian making it clear that he needed to lose himself in the physical sensation. And when they’d both spoken their piece, without words, they crashed. Sleeping fitfully, but sleeping.


	11. All Mistakes are Temporary II

* * *

****

Chapter 30

* * *

The funeral service was long; the reverend had known Joan, probably better than anyone else. The pews were sparsely populated. Mel, Lindz, Michael Ben, Ted, Emmett, Deb, Carl, and Justin all sat close to Brian. There were a few people sitting near Claire, mostly older women from the church who were trying to comfort her, and then there was the gaggle of churchgoers who felt it their duty to attend. 

All of his friends and family kept shooting looks at Brian, waiting for him to do something inappropriate. He stayed perfectly still. He knew what they were expecting, and there was a strong part of him that wanted to do just that, to get up, say a few well-chosen nasty words and then leave, but he didn’t feel like he had the energy. He concentrated on the feel of Justin's fingers, running through the hair at the back of his neck, and steeled himself, he was not going to fucking cry for this bitch.

Justin watched Brian's face carefully but surreptitiously, he knew that too much scrutiny might set Brian off, at this point, just about anything might set Brian off. He continued to run his fingers through the fine soft hairs at the nape of Brian's neck, just letting him know he was there, there wasn’t much else he could do.

The minister finally finished and they all filed out to head to the cemetery. Brian Justin, Claire and her two kids in the limo, everyone else following. 

“I can’t believe you brought him.” Claire said. The way she spit out the word made it clear what she thought of Justin, and his relationship with Brian.

Justin said nothing, and Brian opened his mouth to say something and then stopped. “I want him here.”

Claire was crying again, using tissue after tissue, as her kids pushed and poked at each other, insulting one another and studiously keeping their attention away from Justin, who was glaring at them grimly. His animosity towards anyone who tried to hurt Brian was automatic, but he knew how much this kid had hurt Brian, how much it had hurt when his entire family had believed his insane accusations about him, and Justin wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to forgive him for that. But it wasn’t the issue today. Today was merely about getting through.

The graveside ceremony was blessedly short, and Brian wandered off before he had to watch Claire fall to pieces as the kids put a flower on their grandmother’s grave and it was lowered into the ground.

He found the vial and took a couple of hits. Justin watched his back and thought he might be crying; when he walked over he realized that wasn’t what was making Brian's body shake like that. He wrapped an arm around his waist, lending his support wordlessly. Brian held the vial out to him, and Justin shook his head, one of them needed to stay clear headed.

The food was again laid out at his mother’s house. Brian had already called Jennifer and told her that it was going to need to be listed. He’d deal with Claire later, there was nothing in the house that he wanted, she could have it all, but he wanted the house gone, out of the family, out of his life.

“Christ, doesn’t she ever shut up.” Brian asked, hearing Claire start another crying jag.

Justin didn’t say anything, leaning against him and hoping they could leave soon.

He got his wish; five minutes later Brian approached Michael, “I need my keys.” Michael had followed in Brian's car, Ben in his own so that Brian would be able to leave when he needed to. Justin stood up. “Why don’t you let me drive.”?

Brian nodded and Michael handed the keys to Justin, while Brian leaned down and kissed him. “Thanks.”

They left.

“Home?”  
Brian nodded. And as soon as they were back at the house he went upstairs and changed. He was pacing the floor like a caged tiger and Justin was more than concerned. Eventually Brian kissed Justin lightly. “I’ve got to go out.” Justin nodded. “I’ll see you when you get back.”

There was a time when he might have tried to stop him, tried to go with him, tried to change the inevitable but he was past that now.

Brian walked into the baths, it had been a while, but the smell never changed, sweat, and sex, and something less pleasant, something fetid and rank, and all of it made his dick hard tonight. He cruised the rooms looking for something, and found it. A larger room, a press of bodies, none of them too disgusting, some of them even hot, and he moved in, pulling a tall brunette to his body, and pushing him down, where he eagerly complied. Hands found him, stroking his chest, his back, his ass, and for a while he was awash in pleasure, no emotion had a chance to surface, and when he came, he simply turned towards another man, smaller, more olive in complexion. He slid on a condom and fucked the guy without even seeing his face, feeling the heat from the mass of bodies writhing around him, hearing the moans and grunts of anonymous pleasure, and when he was spent, he showered and grabbed his clothes from the locker and stopped at Woody’s for a couple more drinks before he went back to the house.

It was almost three am when Justin heard the garage door, and he stopped pacing. He sat down and pretended to be casually reading something, in fact he’d bitten all his nails to the quick and hadn’t truly been able to breathe or relax until Brian returned. Brian was still blank, still dazed, but he looked tired, and less angry, and Justin walked him to bed, and they slept, neither speaking.

When he awoke in the morning it was to the familiar feel of Justin's arm slung across his chest, his head leaning on his shoulder drooling a little, and Brian smiled to himself, and then stopped. This was a bad idea. He didn’t want Justin to end up like Joan, making him content with less than he wanted or deserved. He slid out from under the kid and showered. He felt the cold air as Justin joined him. “How was last night?”  
”It was alright,” Brian said, tongue in cheek. 

“Where’d you go, Adonis, the Gravel Pit, that new place?”

Brian smirked, what makes you so sure I went to the baths?  
Justin kissed him, and then whispered hotly into his ear. “I know you.”

Brian pushed him away, “You don’t know everything.”

Justin shrugged, “So if you didn’t go to the baths, where’d you go?”  
Brian ignored him while he finished showering and silently got dressed for work. “I’ll be home late, client meeting.”

Justin nodded and pulled on studio suitable attire. 

He was immersed in a highly detailed piece when his hand gave out on him. “Fuck.” 

He shook his hand and tried to straighten his fingers, it hurt. Glancing up at the clock he realized it was well past seven and he’d been in the studio all day, he showered, paying extra attention to letting the hot water soothe the sore muscles in his hand and pulled on a robe, padding upstairs to put on clothes that wouldn’t ruin the sofa with paint and chemicals.

He looked in the fridge and found nothing appetizing but grabbed an apple and some leftover pizza. It was almost nine when Brian came home.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“You hungry?”

“I ate with the client.” 

Justin nodded and accepted Brian's kiss.

“I’ve got to be at the lawyers tomorrow, official will reading.” Brian poured himself a drink.

“You want me there.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“What time?”

“Nine thirty.”

“I’ll meet you there, leave me the address.” Brian downed his drink and poured another, “Don’t worry about it.”

Justin nodded, “Your call.”

Brian sat down next to Justin, not touching him. Still in his suit he glanced at the clock and wordlessly walked upstairs. Justin didn’t follow, if Brian wanted his space, he’d give it to him. When he came back down he was obviously not planning a quiet night in. 

“Got an appointment?”

Brian shrugged, “I’ll be home.”

“I know.”

Brian left and Justin wanted to punch a wall, to scream, to do something, anything that would make him talk, but he knew nothing would work, that this was part of the Brian Kinney operating manual, pain management 101.

Brian sped out of the suburbs and back into the city, not sure where he was headed, mostly just sure he needed to feel something else, something besides the sympathy and pity he was getting from everyone. He didn’t even like his mother, why did they all act like it was such a sad thing that the bitch was gone? He drove faster and found himself on Liberty Avenue, not a surprise; he had known where he was going from the start.

He considered his options. Babylon was gone, they had turned the space into a strip mall, with a Rapkins restaurant and a Hallmark shop that specialized in gay themed crap. There was boy toy, but he had one of those, meat hook, but he really wasn’t in the mood to deal with all the fucking bullshit there, Popperz, which seemed to have replaced Babylon as the vanilla club of choice but none of them were really what he was looking for. He cruised the street, and found what he wanted.

The guy was well-built, broad chest, great abs, he looked back, the guy watched him walk, and within a few moments they were in the alley between Popperz and the bookstore. He leaned his head back against the cold brick of the wall, it was mid November and he could see his breath as he exhaled. He concentrated on the swirls his breath made while he felt the orgasm shoot through him. He zipped back up and walked away, muttering something that sounded like thanks.

He was looking for something more and he knew he’d have to find Eddie or Anita to get what he wanted. If Anita’s clientele was still the same she’d probably be at Popperz, or thereabouts. He paged Eddie who met him on the corner fifteen minutes later, the transaction was made quickly, and Brian was restocked when he headed to Woody’s for a drink.

He arrived back at the house around 3:30 and Justin decided not to say anything about him being late. They’d never actually discussed curfew’s, it hadn’t seemed necessary at the time, and now it seemed more important that Brian just come home, he didn’t care what time, he just wanted him there.

Brian kicked off his shoes, dropped his jacket on the floor and crawled into bed fully clothed.

Justin took off his pants, and his shirt and curled up next to him, making trying to soothe him, just wanting to be near him but he pushed the blonde away and turned his back making it clear that he didn’t want to be comforted.

The next week went by in a similar fashion, Brian went out, got laid, came home smelling of cigarettes, beer and other men, and Justin helped him to bed and wondered how long this was going to last before one of them actually spoke. He didn’t care about the tricking, but Brian didn’t seem to want to touch him, or talk to him, and that he cared about.

He wasn’t usually worried about Brian's pain management skills but then again, he wasn’t sure he’d ever seen it this bad either.

Brian wasn’t worried about anything, he went to the office, pounded out brilliant campaigns based on the idea that people liked to have sex and bought things when pretty people wore them, used them, or ate them, and he was right. He started keeping a change of clothes at the office so he didn’t have to come home before he headed to the bars, the baths or the clubs. 

His main concern was Justin, the kid wouldn’t leave, and he needed him to. He needed to get Justin away from him before the little twink gave up his whole life and ended up as unhappy and empty as Joan had been. He tried, but Justin wouldn’t take the hint. Brian wanted to scream, to yell, to push, but he doubted those things would work this time.

It was almost four am, he was driving back from the club, he’d been at meathook, enjoying the rough and harsh feeling of the place, enjoying the rough and hard fuck he’s had earlier, and wondering why none of this was keeping the memories at bay. He was heading back to the house when he remembered his mother. He was six, maybe seven years old, Jack was sitting in his favorite chair, drinking, and Brian had done something to piss Claire off, stolen her doll, or her book or something, he was running down the steps with it and Claire had been following him screaming. 

He’d turned around, not looking where he was going and knocked over Jacks bottle. He remembered clearly the sound of breaking glass, the image of the shattered bottle, brown fluid seeping across the linoleum and making its way into the carpet. The entire house seemed to go silent and then Jack was on him. What he remembered was that his mother had thrown herself in between them and had ended up with a broken arm, and bruises that kept her in the house for days. Brian flinched at the memory, it had been the last time she’d tried to protect her son, and it hadn’t worked anyway. Jack had gotten to him despite her efforts. 

He put his foot down on the gas, trying to drive away from the memory when the car spun. He wasn’t aware what was happening at first, his mind lost to memory, his reflexes dulled by drink and drugs and then everything went black 

It was five in the morning and Justin was pacing, he’d been late before, but never this late. He called Michael, who hadn’t seen him. He called Emmett, who said he’d left Woody’s at two, he didn’t know who else to call, if he called Deb she’d just worry as well, if he called his mother, well, there’s be more explaining than he had time for.

He was unable to think, his anxiety was making him shake. He took a drink to steady himself, lit a cigarette and tried to convince himself that it was all fine, that Brian was grown man, and was just a little later than usual. It was after six when the phone rang.

Justin made record time, and probably broke forty major laws getting to the hospital, but he was there.

“Brian Kinney.”  
The nurse looked up at him, “Sign in here.”

“No. I’m here to see Brian Kinney.” His voice was shaking, his body was shaking, his head was spinning. Brian was dead. He knew it. He couldn’t breathe.

The woman at the desk looked up from her clipboard, “And you are?”  
”I’m his partner, where the fuck is he?”  
then he heard Brian's voice. “Get that thing away from me!”

Justin didn’t wait for the nurse to respond, he followed the sound of Brian bellowing. He found him behind a curtain halfway down the hallway fighting off a couple of orderlies.

“Brian.”

“Justin, tell them to get that thing the fuck away from me.”  
”Brian, just…” Justin didn’t know what to tell him, his face was bloody, his arm was cut, and the doctors were trying to give him a shot, which Brian apparently was resisting.

Justin walked closer. “What happened?”

“I have no fucking clue, I’m on my way home, and suddenly these assholes are trying to use me like a fucking pincushion.” 

“We just need to sedate him so we can tend to his wounds and set his arm.” one of the orderlies grunted as he tried again to restrain the man.

Brian flailed out and finally the orderlies got one of his arms in restraints. “Get the fuck off me.” Brian gritted out as he tried to bat them away with an arm that wasn’t working all that well.

“Brian.” Justin said it softly, coming to his side; glad he was alive, wanting to kill him for acting like such an asshole. “Brian.” He repeated.

“What?”  
”Let them take care of you, you’re bleeding.”

Brian tried to move his hand up to his face where Justin was running his fingers below the cut but his arm didn’t seem to cooperate. “Fuck, I think I broke my arm.”

Justin took in the odd angle at which his arm was dangling and nodded, “you need to let them fix you.”

Brian lay back, his face still showing his defiance, but allowed them to administer the shot. “We need to get his face cleaned up, and get him to X-Ray.”

Justin nodded, “What happened?”  
”There was a car accident, he was pretty out of it when the EMT’s brought him in.”

Justin’s face went white. Was there, I mean, the people in the other car are they…?”

“No other car, Corvette vs. Tree, seems like the tree won.” 

Justin nodded, he hadn’t killed anyone. He watched them clean up the wound on Brian's head, it wasn’t as bad as it had seemed, and the other cuts were mere scratches. He answered their questions as to Brian's health history as they gave him five stitches above his left eyebrow. “We’ll have the plastic surgeon come down and do a consult in the morning, make sure there’s no scarring.” Justin simply nodded. He hated hospitals, he hated medical procedures, he hated doctors, and right now, he hated Brian.

When they wheeled Brian out to get his arm X-rayed he made the calls he’d been dreading. 

Two hours later, when Brian was back in the room, his right arm in a cast, shoulder in a sling, everyone had gathered to greet him.

He was awake, and angry, and as his eyes opened his head began to pound harder. “Justin, get me some fucking aspirin.”

Justin stood next to him, the rest of the motley crew smiling slightly. “I think the doctor has to okay that first. And um…”

Brian looked up, “The police want to talk to you.”

Brian lay his head back on the pillow, “Not now.”

“What the fuck are you all doing here?” he asked, eyes still closed.

“Justin called us.” Michael said, “Christ, Brian you could have…” Ben put a hand on Michaels arm, shaking his head, now was NOT the time. 

Michael stood arms crossed, worried and aggravated. Emmett stood behind Justin, “How you doing sweetie?”

“I’m fine.” Justin lied.

“You’re not allowed to use that word.” Brian said, smiling slightly. Justin smiled too. 

“Well, in this instance, I’m fine and you’re not.”

“No, I’m perfect, dislocated shoulder, broken wrist, and a headache that’s trying to kill me from the inside out.”

Justin kissed him on the forehead. “I’ll see if I can get you some aspirin.” Brian nodded eyes still closed.

“The rest of you can go home, I’m not dead, so there’s nothing fun left to see.”

“I’ll stop by tomorrow.” Michael said as he kissed his friend. Brian held his arm a moment, “don’t worry, It’s just a scratch, I’ve had worse.” Michael kissed him again and walked away.

“He has you know, had worse.”

Ben nodded, “I’ve assumed.”

“We don’t talk about it, he doesn’t talk about it.”

“Maybe he should be talking about it.”

Michael shrugged, “You want to be the one to get Brian to talk about something he doesn’t want to?”

Ben smiled, “Good point.”

Lindsay had stayed home with the kids but Justin called her to give her an update, and she was relieved. “What’s he gonna do?”

“What do you mean?”  
”Justin, he can’t just pretend this didn’t happen.”  
”No, but we’re not there yet, lets start with getting him home before he kills an orderly.”

Lindsay gave a small laugh and they both hung up.

When Justin got back to Brian he was alone with Deb. “Make her go away.”

“You want me to make Deb do something?”  
Brian closed his eyes again, “Deb I’m okay.”

“You’re fine, you’re perfect, you’re okay, you’re an asshole Brian, and you better pull yourself together.”

Brian nodded, “I’ll do that right now mom just go home.”

Deb kissed him on the forehead, “I’ll be by tomorrow with lemon bars, and chicken soup.”

“I broke my arm, I don’t have a cold.”

She smacked him lightly on the head and he winced. “Fine, chicken soup, tomorrow.”

She smiled and left.

“Is everyone gone?”

“Yeah, you chased them all away.”

“Good, now you can go too.”

Justin froze. “I’m not leaving.”

“I’ll be fine, I’ll see you at home.”

“Brian you don’t have a car.”  
”WHAT?”

“You totaled the ‘vette.”

“Fuck, I liked that car.”

“Yeah well, I like you more, and you almost totaled yourself.”

Brian rolled his eyes and then winced at the pain it caused. “Lets not be a drama queen about this, I was in an accident.”

“That the police want to question you about.”

“Fuck, was there another car, was anyone else…”

“No, you hit a tree you asshole.”

“Why is it that my car gets totaled, my arm is broken, my head feels like it’s about to fall off and people can’t seem to stop calling me an asshole.”  
”Because you’re an asshole.”

“Your education did wonders for your vocabulary.”

“Brian…”

Brian put up a hand to stop him. “Can we not do this now.”

Justin clamped his mouth closed. “Why do you want me to leave?”

“I said I don’t want to do this now.”

“Fine.”

“And you’re still not allowed to use that word.”

“Fuck you.”

“Later, when we get home.”

Justin smiled, “Promise?”

He pulled Justin towards him with his good arm and kissed him, hard. “Promise, now get me the fuck out of here.”

It was several hours before they were actually allowed to leave. First the plastic surgeon came, and scheduled an appointment for two weeks, at which point Brian had to come back and have the wound cleaned up, any scar tissue removed etc. Then the police came.

They went over the story time and time again and Brian’s answers remained consistent. “By the time the they took blood your tox screen came back clean, but don’t do it again.” was all the officer said before he left.

Justin didn’t say anything, he had known Brian was at the very least drunk when the accident happened but they found no controlled substances in the car, or on him, and his blood alcohol level was below the legal limit once they finally got him tested, he was lucky not to lose is license, but maybe he should have. Justin wasn’t really looking forward for a repeat of this morning’s activities. On the other hand, maybe this had been enough to bring Brian back to his senses.

Once they’d signed all the paperwork, picked up the prescriptions at the hospital pharmacy and gotten Brian relatively comfortable in the car it was almost noon. They drove home in silence.

Justin was helping Brian out of the car and into the den. He was settled on the couch when he first spoke.

“You should go.”

Justin smirked, “yeah, I should go.”  
He sat down next to Brian, who turned his dark eyes on him with a deadly seriousness. “I’m not kidding, I want you out of here.”

“I’m not leaving.”

Justin settled his head against Brian's chest, “you’re stuck with me.”

Brian struggled and moved away from Justin. “You shouldn’t be stuck with me.”

“I’m not, I chose to be with you.” Justin was getting aggravated now. “What the fuck is this about?”  
”It’s about you. You need to move on.”

“Fuck you, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m not giving you a fucking choice.”

“It’s not your decision to make.”

“I don’t get to decide who I live with? Justin, get the fuck out.” Brian turned his back to him, pouring himself a drink.

“Brian, you shouldn’t be drinking with the stuff the doctors gave you.”

“You’re not my fucking mother.”  
”No, unlike your mother, I give a shit what happens to you.”

Brian turned quickly. “Shut your fucking mouth, you have no idea what you’re saying.”

Justin took a step back from him, scared. “Brian.”

“Just get out.” He sat back down on the sofa.

Justin was beyond aggravated, beyond angry, he was irate, he was…he knocked the drink out of Brian's hand, straddled his lap and kissed him, hard, pinning him to the sofa, pushing lightly against his good shoulder, grinding his body against Brian's.

Brian resisted, and then couldn’t, opening his mouth and letting the blondes tongue explore the recesses there, he felt Justin nibble on his lower lip, open his mouth fully and kiss him deeply, claiming him in a similar manner to their first kiss when he’d come back. His hands were roaming, carefully but still some how forcefully, and when he pulled his mouth away looking into Brian's eyes, they were both breathing hard.

Do you really want me to leave?

Brian dropped his head, “No”

“Then what the fuck was that about?”  
”Can we talk about it later?”

“You promise we’ll talk?”

Brian nodded and with his good arm threw Justin down on the sofa, and very carefully they managed to remove most of their clothes. 

Justin lay entwined in Brian's arms, sated, sweaty, naked, and listening to him breathing, they still had a lot to deal with, but he thought maybe the crisis had been, if not averted, at least mitigated.


	12. All Mistakes are Temporary II

* * *

****

Chapter 31

* * *

It was several hours before Brian came back to consciousness. His body ached, his head was throbbing again, and his shoulder was uncomfortable pressed against the sofa as he lay on his back. Justin was still asleep, wrapped around him and pressed against the back of the sofa. Even in sleep Justin had managed to avoid putting any undue pressure on his relocated shoulder. He grimaced and tried to extricate himself without waking the blonde.  
He found the bottle of pain pills on the coffee table and chased them with a pull straight from the bottle.   
“You’re really not supposed to take those with alcohol.” 

“You’re awake.”

Justin nodded. “So, can we talk now?”

Brian was about to pull on his jeans when he saw they were muddy and bloodstained, he made a face and tossed them to the side. 

“I’ll get you some sweats.” Justin pulled on his own pants and padded upstairs.  
When he returned he tried to help Brian into them but the man stubbornly refused his assistance and pulled them on himself if somewhat less gracefully than usual.   
“So what’s all this shit about me leaving?”

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, “you need to leave.”

“You keep saying that, and you know I’m not fucking going anywhere.”

“Yeah that’s the problem.”  
”The problem?”  
”You, you’re not going anywhere, you’re standing still, here, with me.”

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“Well, it’s not.”

Justin froze inside, he thought he might vomit but he held back the urge fighting off the anxiety he felt overtaking him.

“You don’t want me here?”

 

Brian sat down on the other side of the L shaped sofa, as far away from Justin as he could. “I don’t want you to end up like her.”

“Like who?”  
”My mother.” Brian said it quietly, but the words hung in the air.

“Brian, I’m not a homophobic frigid religious freak, so I think we’re safe.”

“I’m a lot like my dad.”

“No, you aren’t”

“I am, and you’ll end up like her, hating me, with an empty life.”

Justin let out a mirthless laugh, “you think I have an empty life?”

Brian looked up at him, “You will if you stay.”

“I KNOW what an empty life is, I’ve experienced it.”

“Then you know you have to leave.”

Justin moved closer to Brian, moving his chin so that their eyes met. “No that’s how I know I have to stay.”

Brian looked confused.

“You think you’re like your dad, but you’re not, and you think I’m like your mom, but I’m not. You. Are. Wrong.”

Brian flinched at the words, no matter what state of mind, he hated being told he was wrong. “I’m not wrong, I know. I was there, I watched them.”

“First of all, you weren’t there, you left.” Brian's eyes looked at him, guiltily. “No, it’s good you left, it was what you needed to do, for you.”

“That’s the thing, I do what I need for me. I’m… selfish.”

Justin gave him a look “duh.”

“What are you doing with a selfish asshole?”  
”Brian, I’m not going to let you beat yourself up like this, you go after what you want, it’s good, and it’s healthy. But you’re also the most generous person I know. And you know that too.”

Brian didn’t say anything. Justin stood up, trying to figure out how to explain this in terms Brian would hear. He paced for a minute and then he took Brian's old tack. “Okay this time, I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen.”

Brian’s eyes shot up about to protest but Justin pressed on.

“When I met you, I was a kid, a stupid kid, and you were right, I’d bought into the greeting card bullshit, of monogamy, and love and flowers and hearts and pretty words. And I wanted that, and I went for that, and I longed for that, and then I got that. And you were very very right, it was just bullshit, just words.”

Justin ran a hand through his hair, biting his thumbnail as he tried to find the right words. He sighed heavily. “Words don’t mean shit Brian, you and I both know that, but the thing I think you’ve forgotten is that I’m not that stupid kid anymore, I’m not 17, I’m not in high school. I’m not some pretty little twink who wants flowers on his birthday. What I want is real, it’s messy, and it’s you, and it’s Us and it’s what We have. Brian, I don’t give a shit who you fuck. I don’t care if you fuck all of Pennsylvania, and the rest of the tri state area. I care who you love, and unless it’s changed since the last time I checked, that’s me.”

Justin waited, hoping Brian absorbed this. “Is it me?”

Brian didn’t say anything and Justin was shaking. “Brian?”

“Can I talk now?”

Justin smiled, “yes.”

“Yes. It’s you.”

“So what the fuck.”

“I don’t think I can be what you want.”

“You are what I want.”

“What if I change?”

“You have changed.”

“What if I change back?”

“You have changed back.”

“You’re not gonna leave are you?”

“No, I’m really not, you are out of tricks to get rid of me.”

“But I’m a lousy person, I’m a bad father, a bad son, a bad…Brian.”

“You know I have to kick the ass of anyone who says that about you, including you.”

“You’re gonna kick my ass?” Brian smirked. 

Justin smiled and shrugged, “I might be able to in your current condition.”

Brian winced, “yeah, I really did a number on myself huh?”

“You were trying to do worse.”

Brian just looked up at him, “you were trying to sabotage yourself, I know you, you’re brilliant at it, you don’t do anything half way.”

“Why didn’t you leave?”

“Because someone had to stay to clean up the mess you were gonna make.”

“That shouldn’t be your job.”

“Who’s then?”

“No one’s”

“So you are an asshole and deserve to be left alone to slowly kill yourself?”  
Brian said nothing.

“Then I’m the selfish one” Justin whispered, “Because even if that’s what you want, I’m not going to let it happen.”  
“Justin.”  
”If you say one thing that even intimates that I’d be better off without you I’m going to have to do something very drastic.”

Brian smirked this time, “like what?”

“I’m going to make you drive the Element and I’ll get the new car.”

Brian shuddered, “No. Fucking. Way.”

“Then I suggest you accept a few things, one, I’m not leaving, two, I’m staying, and three, I’m going to be fucking you in about fifteen minutes, once we get upstairs.”

“Why so long?”

“Because you smell like a cross between the hospital and the Gravel Pit, and you need bath.”

“Shower.”

“Can’t get the cast wet, bath.”

Brian sighed. “Wait, you’re fucking me?”

“You owe me one.”

“I do?”  
”Yeah, I’m not going to nag you incessantly about the hypocritical bullshit you laid on me about not drinking and driving when you then go and wrap the ‘vette around a tree.”

“Oh that, yeah, I guess I owe you one.”

“You owe me like a hundred, but I’ll settle for one right now, and then you’re taking tomorrow off.” Brian tried to respond but Justin put his fingers on the older mans lips. “And then you’re going to pull yourself together a little bit more. You want to go to the clubs, the bars, the baths, fine, but you want to risk your life, your car, and the lives of others, I can’t let that happen.”

“Justin I…”

“Just shut up, Sorry’s bullshit, right now, and anything else you say will probably piss me off. So come take a bath like a good little patient, then let me fuck you into the sheets and tomorrow, we’ll do some research and figure out what kind of car you want.”

“I want another ‘vette.”

“Uh uh, no back seat, least fuckable space ever, and besides, it was ugly.”

“You’re talking to ME about ugly cars?”

“Yep, I’m telling you, if you’re not good, I’m getting you a Toyota echo.”

Brian laughed, the painkillers taking effect, and a weight lifted off his chest. “Fine.”  
Justin held up his part of the bargain and when they both collapsed on the bed, they were smiling.

“You should let me do that more often.”

“I thought you loved it when I fucked you?”  
”Brian,” he elbowed him. “You know I do, I just…”

“Mmmmmm?”  
”Never mind, I just love fucking you sometimes.”

He looked over but Brian was asleep. It was almost eight, and Justin dozed off as well, when they woke up it was morning.  
Justin was cooking breakfast when Brian came down. He handed Brian a glass of juice and offered him another pill for the pain. 

“I’ll take mine if you take yours.” Brian said taking the juice.

“I don’t take mine 'til tonight.”

“You’re taking them again?”  
”Yeah, for now, the anxiety came back and I thought maybe it wasn’t time to stop yet.”

Brian nodded. “I’m okay though, got any aspirin?”

Justin opened the bottle and handed him three. “So I called Cynthia, she’d already cleared your schedule, apparently Ted called before me.”

Brian nodded again, and sat down as Justin brought breakfast to the table. “Nothing fancy, bagels and fruit… And coffee”

He swirled the mug in front of Brian as he reached for it pulled it out of his reach. His eyes darkened, “don’t fuck with my coffee.” Justin smiled, and put the mug down in front of him. Brian drank it silently.  
“I’m thinking about a Range Rover.”

“No.”

“What?” 

“They get like 8 miles to the gallon, it’s bad for the environment.”

“But they’re hot.”

“They’re overcompensation for something you defiantly don’t need to overcompensate for.”

“So what, should I get a little ugly orange box?”

“Shut up, it’s my car.”

Brian booted up the computer, ready to research his next purchase. Justin followed him with his own cup of coffee. “Brian that’s the same problem, no back seat.”

“I like it.”

“You’re not getting a mini cooper, you’re too tall.”  
”The Jag is hot.”

“I like the green.”

“What about this one?”  
”Mercedes are pretentious.”

“You think everything’s pretentious.”

Justin shrugged “suit yourself.”

He went sat back on the sofa and turned on the TV.

“Don’t you have work to do in the studio?”  
”I’m taking the day off.”

“Really?”

“Taking care of you today.”

“I’m fine.”

“When can I ban that word?”  
”When I’m not fine.”

“How’s your shoulder?”

Brian tried to shrug and winced. Justin smiled. “The word is officially banned.”

Brian smirked, “we’ll see.”  
They spent the rest of the day debating car options and television viewing options. Their lighthearted bickering felt good to the both of them. They both felt almost normal.   
“You know what we could do today?”

Brian raised his eyebrows

“We could go through…”

“If you say boxes, I’m leaving.”

“I just thought we could start to figure out…”

“There’s nothing to figure out.”

“Can I go through them without you?”  
”No.”

“So when are we going to…”

Brian stood up and kissed Justin on the top of his head “drop it.”

Justin did. Today was not the day for pushing things.

“So did you make a decision?”  
”Nope, I’m gonna have to test drive them, Wanna come?”  
”Now?”  
”Why not now?”  
”Well, cause um…you only have one arm.”

“Oh that, I can probably take the sling off for an hour or so.”

Justin shook his head “doctor said only for bathing for two weeks.”

“What do doctors know?”  
”Well, you’re the one who was so adamant about doctors orders for me.”

“Shut up twat.”

Justin smiled, his point made.   
Two nights later Justin woke up with a start, his heart beating fast, his breathing shallow. “Fuck.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just, one of those…”

“Night things.”  
”Yeah.”

Brian sat up and pulled Justin back towards him, his good arm wrapped firmly around the blonde, his chin resting on his shoulder. “Remember what it was about?”

“The accident, you were…there was a lot of blood.”

“But I’m fine.” 

“You’re not allowed to use that word.”

“But I AM okay, see, feel my heart beating?” he pulled Justin back towards him firmly. “You scared me.”

“I know.”

“Don’t do it again.”

“I’ll try not to.”

“You’re stupid.”

“I am?”

“You are, you do stupid things that scare me.”

“Is it possible you’re still asleep?”  
”Why?”  
”Because you’re not making any sense.”

“I do too make sense, and maybe I’m half asleep but it doesn’t make you less stupid, for scaring me.”

“So you’ve said.”

“Sleepy.”

“Then sleep.”

“K”

Brian smiled and lay back down, Justin curled himself around Brian, breathing with him, listening to his heartbeat and feeling his own slow to a normal rate.”

“I love you.”

“Mmmmmm”

Justin smiled and fell back asleep almost immediately.  
Brian was back at the office. He’d allowed himself one long weekend, and Monday was itching to get back to work. Justin wondered if he was planning on getting back to play too but didn’t bring it up.  
He had 10 Days before he had to leave for New York for his two-week contractual obligation; he’d been dreading this. He hated New York without Brian, he wasn’t even that fond of it with Brian, but mostly, he hated being away for two weeks.   
Justin threw himself into the few last pieces for the show, he had no idea if he had enough time to finish them but he knew that he needed to continue to work, 'til the very last second, the schmoozing and decisions and bullshit in New York could seem very far away when he was in deep concentration on a particular brush stroke. So he lost himself to it, letting the music and the muse take him.  
Brian's shoulder still hurt, but for the most part he got by on aspirin and coffee. He had hired a car and driver for the week, which made him grit his teeth, he hated not being able to drive, not being in control, but with a sling on his left arm, he couldn’t shift gears, he couldn’t drive, and he had finally given in to Justin who had found the least pretentious method of getting around. At first Justin had offered to drive him to work each morning but the thought gave Brian the creeps, felt too domestic, too dependant, too…something, so he had this asshole who just sat in the car all day waiting to be ordered around. Brian shook his head, and wondered why he hadn’t gone of the full stretch limo with a stocked bar. He knew why, Justin. But he gritted his teeth against the thought.  
“Stop here.”

The car stopped and Brian got out, “go park somewhere, I’ll call you when I need you.”

The driver nodded and drove off, Brian entered the baths. It was the new place that had filled the void that the Liberty Baths had left when Stockwell had closed them down. Most places had reopened, but the owner of the baths, after receiving a ridiculous amount of money for the building from Kinnetic, Inc. Had retired to Florida and some other entrepreneur had seen his opportunity.  
The place was pretty average, a little cleaner than most, but still dark enough to give the customers the atmosphere they were looking for.  
The moment Brian walked in he knew it was a mistake. It wasn’t where he wanted to be, but he shook the thought off, where he wanted to be was annoying him right now.  
He and Justin had talked, and they’d worked it out, in their own little way, but he still wasn’t sure, wasn’t convinced that in the long run they wouldn’t end up hurting each other. Better to do it in the short run and get it over with. He was still in deep thought when a hand ran down his chest. He looked at the man and was surprised. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Thought I deserved a night out.”

Brian laughed, draping his arm around Justin. “This really where you want to be?” 

Justin smiled and the two of them left walked deeper into the building Justin in a towel, Brian still in his suit.  
The two of them were a sight to behold and when they went after what they wanted, eyes turned, men otherwise occupied stopped what they were doing to watch. It was as if there were no one in the building but the two of them when they looked at each other, no matter whom they might be fucking at the moment.   
Justin breathed a deep sigh. He’d never minded date night, and he knew that Brian was feeling claustrophobic, and most importantly, he had been concerned that he’d be mad to see him here, encroaching on his alone time. But Brian seemed happy for them to play together, and they did, they played hard, and both stumbled out into the cold night spent and leaning on the other.  
“You drive here?” Justin nodded. Brian called the driver and sent him home for the night, “Eight tomorrow.” And Justin drove them home where they luxuriated in a hot bath, removing the smell of the other men and the baths and later replaced the smell with each other.   
Brian lay in bed, considering a lot of things, wanting to know that he was making the right decision, that he wasn’t hurting Justin that he wasn’t causing the kid to give up his life.  
He looked over at him, sleeping. In sleep he still looked like a kid, but he wasn’t, he wasn’t a child, he wasn’t a twink, he wasn’t the little stalker with his heart on his sleeve that he’d propositioned under a streetlamp on the night Gus was born. He was a man now, a pretty fucking amazing one too. Stronger than anyone he’d even known, and fuck, he loved this man.   
Godmotherfuckingdammit he thought to himself as he lit a cigarette, there has to be a way out of this. This was never supposed to happen.  
Brian tried to sort it out, how any of it had happened, how he managed to go from a 29 year old without a care in the world to a psuedo-hetero husband. Actually that was easy to figure out, as he looked at the sleeping form next to him, the question was what happened that made him okay with this? More than okay with this? He took another deep inhale and realized the answer was the same, it was the same blonde who was currently muttering in his sleep. He put the cigarette out and tried to find a spot that didn’t hurt his shoulder too badly and realized that he was stuck, and not unhappy about being stuck, and then he took a pain pill, more to knock himself out then shut out the pain.   
Everyone was there Friday. Deb was in her glory. A table full of people to feed, one of them needing her special brand of care. Not that Brian accepted any special treatment, or any treatment at all, from anyone, he mostly glared at the sympathetic worried glances that were shot his way until the conversational flow twisted its way back to issues other than his recent accident.  
Justin smiled to himself knowing that Brian hated every minute of the concern his friends showed, and yet would have been somewhat aggravated had they not shown it.   
“Are you really thinking about breeding blue?” Justin asked, tuning back in to the conversation.

“She’s almost ready, and we found a stud.”

Brian opened his mouth to say something and Justin elbowed him.

“Well, I think it’s great Ted.” Lindsay broke in, “as a matter of fact, I think Gus is ready for a puppy, maybe we’ll raise one of blues babies.” Ted and Blake grinned even wider.

“You want Gus to have a dog?” Brian asked, “when did this happen.”

“Mel and I have been discussing it, and…”

The table went silent, Brian's eyes were dark, “you and Mel were discussing our son?”  
”Brian, she’s still his mother.”

Brian snorted, “Some mother.”

“Brian, she’s changed, and we’re not getting back together but we are talking, the few times she’s been to see the kids, she’s been really great with them, Gus loves to play tennis with her.”

Justin put his head in his hands, “Lindz.” He muttered.

“She’s been to play tennis, at the house?” Brian was quiet as he asked.

Then he turned his head and saw Justin hiding his face, “And you knew this?”  
”Brian, she’s been better, like old Mel, you know, sane and nice and Gus loves her.”

Brian nodded, suddenly not hungry. “I’ll meet you at home.” He said as he kissed Justin goodbye.

Justin nodded and all eyes went to him as Brian stormed off. “How’s he getting home?”  
Justin smiled, “He can’t, he sent the driver home, and…”

“Justin, lets go.” Brian came back in, after realizing his predicament.

Justin shrugged, and walked to the door, pulling Brian into a kiss. “Why don’t we stay for dessert, and you can just blame this little queening out thing on the pain meds.”

Brian scowled.

Justin kissed him again and knew that all eyes at the table were now trained on them. “C’mon, do what everyone least expects.” He murmured quietly into Brian's ear, nibbling on the lobe a little. 

Brian followed Justin back to the table. “I don’t want her at the house, and I don’t want my kid having a fake dog, if you’re gonna get him a dog, get him a real one.”

Lindsay smiled, “Brian she has a right to see her son, and she really has changed.” 

“We’ll talk about this later.” 

Lindsay nodded.

“And blue is a champion dog.” Ted cut in, pulling out his wallet to show more pictures. 

“Ted, blue is five pounds, he’s a toy, a little yipping toy.”

Ted looked hurt, and Blake leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, “She’s a perfect dog.”

Ted smiled again, “She really is.”

“We should get a puppy Brian.” Justin said, just to see his reaction, it was priceless. 

“I have you I don’t need anything else shedding and making a mess around the house, and chewing on my underwear.”

“I thought you liked it when I did that.”

Brian leaned in and kissed Justin deeply. “We’re not getting a dog.”

Justin smiled, he hadn’t really thought it was an option, and he’d gotten the response he was looking for. Everyone seemed calmer, including Brian.  
“So Lindsay how’s the new job?” Ben asked

“Oh, it’s actually wonderful, but challenging, who knew running a department required so much paperwork?”  
Brian smiled and Justin knew that Brian had done something to put in a word for Lindsay with the dean. Lindsay probably knew it too, but had decided to let the issue drop, as she genuinely loved her new job, and the fact that the college had a great day care service so that she still got to see JR often, and didn’t have to hire a nanny.

“I am going to have to buy a car this week though.” Lindsay said. I can’t keep taking Justin’s or having Mel drive me before she gets to work. And the busses just don’t run far enough.”

“Great, we’ll go together.” 

Lindsay looked at him. “Like last time, or can you restrain yourself from driving through the showroom window?”  
”I’ll be good.” Brian said, his eyes showing he would be nothing of the sort.

“When do you get that thing off?”  
”Monday, want to go then?”  
”Don’t you want to take Justin?”  
”Justin’s leaving me.”  
There was a gasp at the table and Justin laughed. “I’m not leaving you, I’m going to New York for two weeks, it’s a contractual obligation.”

“You’re leaving me.” Brian said again, teasingly, “I kept telling you to leave and now you are.”

“About fucking time.” Michael and Hunter both mumbled under their breaths only to be slapped upside the head, Hunter by Molly, Michael by his mother.

“Hey!” they both said in unison, and the tension was once again broken.  
Dinner continued until no one could eat another thing, and then dessert and coffee made them all too full to move. They were sitting around talking about nothing important when Brian went outside for a cigarette. Justin joined him and they all passed knowing glanced to each other, assuming the two were finding a likely dark corner.  
They both stood outside, Brian's arm slung around Justin comfortably sharing the cigarette. 

“We should both quit smoking.”

Brian huffed, “Can’t we’re too hot.”

Justin laughed. “You okay?”  
”Yeah, I’m stellar.”

“But Mel and Lindsay…”

“They have to get along, I don’t want Gus to always see his parents fighting.”

Justin nodded. “That’s good.”

“But I don’t want him to have a little faggot dog.”

“Brian, I thought you were afraid Mel was gonna make a man out of him, make up your mind.”

“A kid should have a real dog.”

“Blue is a real dog.”

“A real normal sized dog.”

“Brian they live in like 1000 square feet house, with two kids, how big a dog do you think that place can handle.”

“Maybe we should build an addition onto the carriage house.”

Justin nodded, knowing that Brian would do almost anything to keep Lindsay from moving too far away from his protective eye, he still saw Mel as a threat.

“So have you decided on a car?”

“I think I have.”

“Oooh, what?”  
”It’ll be a surprise.”

Justin pouted, “I hate surprises.”

“I thought you loved them.”  
I do, when I’m not gonna be away for two weeks worrying.”

“Worrying?”  
”About the show, about you, about…”

“I’ll be fine, and the show is going to be a huge success.”  
”Brian, promise me…”

“No more incidents.”

“Promise?”

Brian leaned in, kissing Justin hard and damning the stupid sling that kept him from holding him closer. “Lets get out of here.”

Justin moaned into his mouth, “We have to go in and say goodbye first.”

Brian walked back up. “You stay here.” He said to Justin, and then leaned his head into the house.

“Justin needs to be fucked, so we’re going home. Bye.”

 

Justin's face was beet red as he got in the car and Brian’s eyes were twinkling with mischief. Everyone at the table was laughing.


	13. All Mistakes are Temporary II

Chapter 32

Saturday morning Justin was antsy. He couldn’t seem to sit still. He’d go into the studio, realize that everything had already been shipped for the show, think about starting something new and then just walk out again. He’d sit in the den, flipping aimlessly through channels, never actually stopping on anything, and then turn off the TV and wander around the house. Eventually Brian got aggravated.

“Hey.”

“Hey”

“What’s wrong?”

”What? Nothing, I’m just…” Justin was cracking his knuckles mentally running through a list of things he needed to for the millionth time.

Brian got up and walked over to him, taking his right hand and massaging it, seeing that the fingers were actually looser, and not cramped but wanting to lend Justin some comfort. 

“You’re obsessing.”

“This show is going to suck.”

Brian nodded, “Probably.”

Justin hit him good-naturedly. “Brian, it’s just…” again he didn’t know how to finish the sentence.

Brian leaned down and kissed him, just a light peck, which turned into a longer kiss. Justin's hands were all over him, trying to find a place to settle which wasn’t easy with the sling wrapped securely around his shoulder and his arm strapped to his side as it was. Instead his hands moved lower, sliding beneath the unbuttoned waistband of his faded jeans. 

Brian licked at Justin's bottom lip, lightly nipping at it. He put more energy into the kiss, hoping to distract Justin from whatever was spinning in his brain.

It was working, Justin could no longer think about much, he felt Brian harden against him and closed his eyes, his head thrown back as Brian's mouth found the deliciously sensitive spots on his neck and shoulders.

He pulled his shirt off, wishing he could do the same to the taller man in front of him but he had to settle for just unbuttoning it, and pressing himself against what flesh was there. Brian moaned as Justin's lips found his nipple and began to suck and flick at the same time. 

Justin moved down Brian's chest, kissing each new spot with enthusiasm, and soon he was pulling Brian down with him until they were both on their knees, mouths and bodies pressed together. Things were a little more difficult with Brian’s arm still in the sling. He couldn’t lay on top of Justin too long, as he only had one arm to support him, and he couldn’t lay on his back too long before the pain of the position shot through his shoulder. He didn’t care right now, but Justin was aware of the dilemma. He stood up and Brian followed. He pulled Brian's jeans down and pushed him backwards into chair. 

Justin smiled at him as he pulled a condom from the stash in the drawer and walked back over to him. Opening the package he put the latex in his mouth and used his lips and tongue to guide the sheath onto Brian's now rock hard cock, while the brunette leaned his head back and gasped at the sensation. Justin smiled.

The chair was modern in design, or retro, depending on whom you talked to but as it was mostly just a scoop of plastic with high arms there was little way for Justin to straddle Brian in such a design. Instead he turned his back to Brian, taking a step backwards and thus closer to his goal.

Seeing what the blond intended Brian pulled him back with his good arm, as Justin grasped his now sheathed shaft and held it while he impaled himself on it.

There was little Brian could do but lay back and enjoy himself as Justin used up his unspent energy riding him. 

Justin threw his head back, almost unaware of Brian's presence at all except for the dick inside him. It was all he wanted to feel right now. He pressed his feet flat against the hardwood floor for leverage and lifted himself up and down, fucking himself hard. He felt Brian's hand move towards his nipple and pinch it; pulling it with a roughness he needed right now. He needed to feel this, and nothing else and Brian seemed to understand as he made his body available and his ministrations less than gentle. He eventually pushed Justin down to the floor, where he landed on his hands and knees, whimpering with need, and unfulfilled lust. 

Brian angled himself behind the kid and plunged in, hard, fast, and didn’t stop, just kept pounding him, slapping his ass, a few times and watching as Justin's head flew back, with appreciation. He grabbed Justin's hair roughly, holding his head up as he leaned in and bit at his back while he continued his fevered pace. He felt Justin's body tense and stopped, pulling out completely, lightly stroking the smooth skin above Justin’s ignored hard on until he could hear the blond letting out soft sounds which he knew would turn into demanding orders if he didn’t continue soon. Waiting just a moment more he plunged back in, abusing the open hole with all his strength, laying a few well timed slaps on Justin's pale perfect ass, lightly running a finger along his weeping cock, but never letting him come.

Justin thought he might go insane, he was on his hands and knees, and each time Brian thrust into him he felt as if all the air was pushed out of his body, he wanted to come but Brian wouldn’t let him. Each time he was close, the fucker pulled, out, stroking him lightly, whispering a soothing word into his ear, waiting for the moment to pass, and then he’d start over, hard, rough, and perfect, and Justin couldn’t speak, didn’t want to, concentrated all of his thoughts on the amazing sensations and trying to come before Brian denied him again. Each time he thought he might be allowed release, each time Brian stroked directly against his prostate, and he moaned a little louder he would bite his lip, knowing he’d warned Brian of his impending release and it all stopped again.

He was crying now, frustrated, the only thought in his head was his need to come, to feel Brian inside him and finally be allowed to come.

He moved his own hand towards his erection, but Brian moved it away, as he had before, and pulled out. Justin wanted to scream. He finally broke down.

Brian, I need it please let me come, I’ll do anything, just please…” his words trailed off as Brian began his glorious assault again, fucking him harder than Justin thought possible, his body moving forward at each thrust. 

“You want to come?”

Justin whimpered, “Yes. Please.”

“Are you sure?” Brian was covered in a light coating of sweat, but he could keep this up for a while, watching Justin, so desperate for him, so focused, so hot.

Brian pulled out again and Justin cried something unintelligible in desperation.

He felt the push on his side, and Justin followed the silent command, rolling over, his back against the hardwood, his legs spread wide, feet flat on the floor. Brian moved between his knees and Justin lifted his legs, pulling Brian forward, crossing his ankles behind Brian's back, careful not to move them too high to bother his shoulder.

He raised his body, begging Brian with his eyes, with his every movement to finish him off, at this point, he really didn’t care if he killed him or let him come, just so the torture would stop. Brian smiled and Justin thought he might lose it right there. Instead Brian pushed himself in again, moving slowly now and enjoying watching Justin's body react, he was squirming, trying to get more contact, trying to impale himself on Brian but with nothing for leverage, his back slick with sweat sliding easily on the smooth floor he was not in control.

Again he tried, tightening his grip around Brian's waist to make sure he wouldn’t back out of him, he reached for his own erection. Brian smacked his hand away and then unable to pull out, simply stayed perfectly still, watching the raw emotions on Justin's face as he tried to wiggle, to writhe, to do something. Finally, Brian relented, he pulled Justin's hands together, holding them at the wrist above the boy’s head with his good hand and pounded into the kid. He moved his hand lower to Justin's forearms so when he leaned his weight against his arms he wouldn’t hurt him, and angled his body. As he hit the sweet spot the keening noise from Justin was almost inhuman.

Justin felt the fire in his body, felt the need poured from every nerve ending to the sensitive bundle Brian was currently assaulting, he let himself go, feeling Brian's mouth on his and then move lower to his nipples again biting and sucking and finally, he came. Hard, and long and Brian never stopped. He released his arms and held his hip instead and pounded into him again and again, watching as Justin shot across his own belly and chest, moaning Brian's name, babbling unintelligibly, and simply relieved to be allowed release.

Brian came hard, he’d held himself back, and it hadn’t been easy, but he had wanted to clear Justin's mind, to make him forget everything, for as long as possible. He knew he also wanted to remind him, once again of what they were together. Two weeks apart wasn’t a happy equation for either of them, but they’d get through. These are the kind of things he tried to think about to keep himself from coming each time Justin whimpered his name, begged for more, or made a low moan that just shot straight through Brian’s body like no other sound.

When he finally allowed the kid to come the relief on his face was priceless, and he was pretty sure that that Justin couldn’t have done simple addition, let alone think about the myriad of issues awaiting him in the coming fortnight.

He kneeled in front of Justin, watching his body take ragged breaths, and ran his hand through the thick coating of come on his pale skin. He licked a finger, keeping eye contact with Justin, and then lowered a finger to Justin's mouth, who took it greedily, sucking at it, still in the blissful post coital haze. No words were spoken for a while as their bodies slowly relaxed. They both dozed for a few minutes. Brian awoke to Justin trying to put a pillow under his head, it had been resting on the blonde’s chest, but he was obviously ready to get up and begin pacing again.

Brian got up too; pulling his jeans back on he followed Justin curiously. The blonde seemed to be unaware of where he was going or that anyone was following him. He was walking around the great room in circles, biting his thumbnail and seemingly searching for something.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

Justin jumped. “Uh, um, looking.”

Brian just raised an eyebrow.

Justin collapsed on in the chair. “I don’t know, I feel like there’s something I should be doing.” 

Brian smiled, “I thought I got your mind off of things.”

“You did, but now… it’s back on things.”

“Well, we can go again.”

Justin smiled widely “We could, but we can’t just spend the weekend fucking so that I don’t get nervous.”

“Why not?” Brian almost pouted

“Because um…” Justin wrinkled his brow trying to find a good reason, but instead followed Brian upstairs where they took a bath together and spent another hour or so lost in each other.

Eventually it was a little after noon, they were both sore, and out of ideas. Justin kept cracking his knuckles until Brian wanted to put one of HIS arms in a sling to make it stop. Finally he sighed, pulled on jeans and a black wife beater. 

“Come on.”

”Where are we going?”

”Someplace that will get your mind off of next week.”

“Brian, I honestly don’t think either of us could take any more I mean…”

Brian sighed, “Let’s go.” He held out his hand and Justin pulled on a pair of sweats and a shirt. Brian led him slowly through the great room, down the steps to the foyer and into the parlor/dungeon.

“Brian I know we’ve never fucked in here but it’s all dusty and…” Justin wrinkled his nose and Brian pinched the bridge of his.   
“We’re not here to fuck, we’re here to…”

Justin jumped up and kissed him, “We’re gonna go through the boxes?” his smile was broad, until he saw Brian wince, “Christ, I’m sorry, are you okay? I forgot.”

“I’m fine, just, lets be careful shall we?”

“Okay, what we need to do is make three piles, “keep, toss, sell.”

”Sell?”

”Yeah like at a yard sale.”

”You watch way too many of those house and garden TV shows, we’re NOT having a yard sale.”

“Fine, then keep, toss, and donate.”

Brian nodded.

“I need a box cutter, or a knife, and my allergy meds or the dust will kill me, I’ll be right back.” Justin bounced away, happy, his mind on only one project. Brian sat against the wall, willing nothing too revealing to come popping out of the boxes as they sorted.

Justin returned, supplies in hand. He began at the top, opening boxes that were clearly labeled and finding them labeled correctly. 

“So what should we do with all the old dishes and glasses?”

”Trash.”

Justin nodded, “You mean donate.”

“Right, that’s what I meant.”

The kitchen stuff was pushed back to the designated “donate” area.

“Ewww”

”What?”

“I think these are the sheets from the bed, like the last night.”

Brian shrugged; I guess they had to strip the bed.

“Yeah but, the last night, I mean, these are probably now considered medical waste”

Brian grimaced, “Trash.”

There were boxes of decorative items, none of which Brian seemed particularly attached to. “They were to create a look” he shrugged; “we’re going for a different look now.”

Justin put them in the “donate” pile and moved on. 

“Papers” Justin read.  
“Bring it here.”

Justin sat down next to Brian and pushed the box in front of him

Brian opened it with his one good arm, pulling out an X ray film.   
“Is that…?”

“That’s me, cancer free.”

Justin pushed it back into the file, kissing Brian's cheek, and pulled another file, there was a flutter of small tickets. Justin picked them up. “What are these?”

“Nothing.” Brian tried to gather the scattered scraps with only one hand.

“They’re garage parking tickets for the hospital.”

“Yeah, for insurance purposes.”

“Why were you in the hospital this often?”

”Huh?”

”Why are they all in the middle of the night?”

”What?”

”Brian, these are from when I was in the hospital.”

“So?”

”So, you were there, apparently…a lot.”

”I might have checked on you once or twice.”

Justin picked up the pile if tickets as if they were confetti and showered them down on   
Brian’s head. “Once or twice?”

”Or maybe every night. I had to make sure.”

Justin leaned in closer to him, wanting to crush him in a hug, wanting to kill him for never saying anything, to anyone. “Make sure of what?”

He didn’t say anything for a while and Justin looked up, seeing a look he hadn’t seen in a while, the one Brian had when he had first tried to get him to remember the incident, when he had first taken him to the parking garage, the same eyes Justin had seen the night he so recently had his little breakdown. Panic, fear, pain, tears. ‘Make sure of what?” he repeated.

“Make sure you were still there, still breathing. I thought, you know, so many people watched during the day, but you were almost alone at night, and what if you stopped, what if you forgot, or gave up, or someone came back to finish…I…” Justin kissed him. 

“You did a great job, I kept breathing ‘cause of you.”

Brian shook his head, “You were so strong. It was you, not me. There was nothing I could do.”

“You did everything. But why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were already too far gone, look what loving me did to you, I wouldn’t let that happen again. Couldn’t. Once I was sure you were okay I wasn’t going to go near you. But you came looking for me.”

Justin wanted to cry, to scream, do something, these feelings, the helplessness, not knowing, the pain, the loss, he’d tried to bury them, to forget them, and here they were, in a hundred little parking receipts. He gathered them up efficiently. “Toss.” He said.

Brian looked up at him questioningly.

“I don’t need a bunch of little pieces of paper to know you love me.”

They both smiled, and continued to sort through the papers but the rest were boring, for the most part until Justin found a bunch of sealed envelopes, each addressed to friends or family members. Brian grabbed them out of his hand quickly.

“What are those?”

“Nothing, they’re from a long time ago.”

”There’s one addressed to me.”

“Just put them in the trash.”

“Can I read mine?”

“No.”

”Brian, what are they?”

“They’re from a couple of years ago, they don’t mean anything now.”

“So why didn’t you ever deliver them?”

“They’re just letters, I wrote them, then I decided not to send them.”

“Well, I’m opening mine.” Justin began to open the envelope. Brian tackled him. 

“NO!”

“Brian, I’m just…Ouch.”

“Sorry, gimme that.”

”Fine, if you don’t want me to read it, but…”

“But nothing, they were important at the time. They’re not now.”

Justin was sitting up again, running his finger down the side of Brian's face, “Can’t you just tell me what they were for?”

”They were to explain stuff, to make sure people knew.”

“Knew what?”

“That I cared, that I wasn’t just an asshole, make sure that you all remembered more than the surface.”

“Why did you think we’d forget?”

”It was from before.” Brian said trying to stand up, “We’ve done enough in this room for the day.”

”No, we haven’t.” Justin pulled him back down, straddling his legs simply to keep him in place, “Before what?”

“Before I decided to have the surgery.” Brian said quietly.

Justin stared at him, tears dropping on Brian's face, “You were just gonna die, gonna let yourself die, leaving us all with a fucking letter?”  
Justin hit him in the chest.

“Ouch.”

”Good.”

“Justin, I didn’t, I couldn’t leave.”

“But you were going to, and you weren’t going to tell any of us, you were going to just disappear and leave a fucking letter.”

”But I didn’t.”

“Damn good thing or I’d have to hunt you down and kill you again.”

Brian smirked, “You’d kill me for dying?”

”You’re not allowed to die.”

“That’s probably why I didn’t”

”You really don’t like yourself do you?”

Brian sat up now, pushing Justin off of him with all the strength in his one good arm. 

“Fuck you, I like myself.”

“You don’t act like it.”

”You know what, all of this shit needs to be shipped off, I don’t care who finds my checkbook receipts, it’s not worth it.”

“Why, because I might find out who you really are?”

“You know who I am.”

“I keep thinking that, and then I open up a box and I have to refigure everything I thought I knew.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“I’m being honest.”

“What else don’t I know?”

”You know everything.”

“Why didn’t you come with me to Vermont?”

“What?”

”Vermont, you decided business was more important than me, what made you come to that conclusion, was it just your regular bullshit fear of relationships, were you afraid I might think you care or was there something you weren’t telling me?”

”What the hell makes you bring this up now?”

”It’s one of those things that always bothered me. It was simple to think you’d decided to teach me a lesson, but then, you were different when you got back, Ryder was gone, and…what the fuck happened?”

Brian sighed, “I got almost fired, Marty sold the business to Vance, if I didn’t land the Brown account that week, I would have been almost as bad off as I was after Stockwell, well, equally bad off, because while I wouldn’t have had the debt, I wouldn’t have had the client base I have now. So I had to go, or I’d have lost everything.”

”I didn’t count as part of everything.”

”You were a kid, you didn’t understand.”

“You never fucking told me.”

Brian sighed again, “No, I didn’t.”

“You’re a duck.”

“What?”

”You’re a duck.”

“Again, what?”

”Ducks, they seem so graceful, gliding across the water, but under the water, where no one can see, they’re churning their legs so fast just to keep moving and to continue to look graceful. You’re a duck.”

Brian started to laugh, hard. “Duck you.”

Justin laughed too. “Can’t you just let me help you sometimes?”

”You do.” 

“Duck.”

Brian leaned in to kiss Justin, “I showed you mine now you show me yours.”

“What?”

“I told you why I didn’t go to Vermont, now why don’t you tell me something I’ve always wanted to know.”

Brian was kissing Justin's neck, his hand running through the soft blonde hair that had gotten really long in the past months, almost hitting his shoulders in soft waves.

“What do you want to know?” Justin asked, eyes half closed.

“What made you quit working for the Sap?”

Justin’s eyes were open now, his breathing changed. Brian leaned back to see his eyes. Fear?

“Nothing, I didn’t have the time to go to work and school.”

”You’re lying to me.”

“Would you trust me if I told you that you really didn’t want to know?”

”If I didn’t want to know I wouldn’t have asked.”

”This is the stupidest conversation we’ve ever had.”

“No, we once talked about fucking Ronald McDonald or Mayor Cheese.”

“We were stoned then.”

“Answer the question.”

”He wanted me to do something I didn’t want to do.”

Brian continued to stare waiting for him to continue.

“Brian you know what happened.”

“I know what I THINK happened.”

“He didn’t just want me there for eye candy, and I was flying pretty high.”

Brian kept his expression blank, wondering why the fuck after all this time he’d asked, and knowing that it was because he wanted Justin to suffer, just a little bit, at a memory, the way he just had. He listened to Justin continue.  
“I was dancing, and then the Sap was leading me back, to a playroom, and he um…”

Brian remained silent.  
“He didn’t fuck me or anything, he wanted to, well, him and a bunch of his friends, but I said no, and he tried harder, and I kicked him in the balls, and I think I broke his tooth when I kicked him in the face, then I got home, and fucked you.”

Brian smiled, “He never hurt you?”

“No, I never let him.”

“I thought, that night, when you wanted me, and you wouldn’t let me fuck you, I thought it was because he had…hurt you.”

”Why didn’t you ask me?”

“I didn’t want the answer, I was afraid I’d have to kill the fucker, and then I’d be banned from Babylon, and I like the back room and they didn’t water down their drinks too badly.”

Justin smiled, letting the moment lighten. He dusted off his hands. “Any other monumental secrets I need to know?”

Brian shook his head.

Justin leant him a hand and pulled him to his feet, brushing his hands together in a motion that made it clear he’d seen enough.

“Call the people who cleaned out your mothers house, have them haul all this shit away, there’s nothing we need in here.”

Brian smiled does that mean we can make it a dungeon?

”Sure, but only I’ll have the key, you can’t come in without my permission.”

Brian laughed out loud, and dragged Justin back upstairs, they were both sweaty, dusty, and needed to get as far away as possible from that room… too many memories, too many secrets, and way too many tears.


	14. All Mistakes are Temporary II

Chapter 33

Justin was finished packing, so he unzipped the suitcase and started to rummage through it, sure he’d forgotten something. Brian came up behind him, wrapping his arms around the slim waist and pulling him away from his search. 

“Relax, you’ve checked seven times, and you’ll be in New York, not a third world country, if you forgot anything I’m pretty sure you can buy it there.”

“But I just need to make sure that…”

Brian turned him around, pulling him into a kiss; his hand on the back of his neck, stroking the long blonde hair that now covered it. 

“It’s going to be okay.”

Justin sighed, lowering himself from his tiptoes and leaning his head against Brian's chest. “I don’t want to go.”

“Two weeks. And I’ll be there in five days.”

“But then you’re leaving again.”

“For a few days, but I’ll be back in time for the show.”

“I’m glad you’re arm is finally out of that sling, I missed this.”

“Mmmmmm” Brian said, using both his arms to pull Justin closer. His left wrist was still in a cast, but at least he could hold his boy now, he’d missed it too.

“Justin, it’s time to leave, I have to get you to the airport.”

“I could go tomorrow, it won’t make a difference.”

“The sooner you go, the sooner you come back home.”

Justin reluctantly stepped back, and tried to do one last search of his suitcase but Brian resolutely zipped it up, and took it downstairs. “You have everything you need.”

“Not everything.” Justin said, pulling Brian in for another hug. 

“Christ, you’re getting more lesbionic every day.”

Justin stuck his tongue out at him. “Just five days right?”

“Right.”

Brian dropped Justin off at the airport and picked Lindsay up from work. She’d taken the afternoon off so that she and Brian could go car shopping together as promised.

“Was Justin okay when he left?” she asked as she climbed into the orange box and surveyed it’s featured considering the option for herself.

“He was Justin.”

“So nervous and petulant?”

Brian grinned; “Apparently you’ve met him.”

“He’ll be fine.” Lindsay said, putting her hand over Brian's, knowing that while he’d never admit it, Brian was still worried about Justin.

“Yeah he will, and I’ll be there in a couple of days.”

They headed to the auto-mall. 

Brian and Lindsay had a conversation reminiscent of the one he’d had with Justin months before. “Toyota’s are very reliable.”

“Lindsay, you’re the head of the art department, you can’t drive a Toyota.”

Lindsay laughed, “Brian, we’re not all as label conscience as you are, and besides, I’m the head of the art department at a community college. AND I’m a mother of two young children, actually, I think this car might be perfect for us.” She said running her hand along the passenger side dash of the orange box that Justin loved so much.

“Fuck no. There will not be TWO of these on the property.”

Lindsay laughed, “It’s okay, I don’t think I could afford it anyway, I’m probably going to end up getting something used.”

Brian pinched his nose, déjà vu making his brain hurt, but he couldn’t argue Lindsay out of a used car with the same logic he’d used on Justin. Instead, he simply ignored the point and parked in front of the Subaru dealership Lindsay had mentioned.

They looked at the cars, JR running around the showroom, almost two now, and Brian trying to keep an eye on her, and mitigate Lindsay's tastes at the same time. Of course the salesman assumed them to be a couple. 

“No driving through the window.” She whispered to Brian as she took JR from him and watched aggravated as the salesman turned his full attention to Brian and completely ignored her. 

Brian looked over to Lindsay often, asking her opinion, listening to her concerns and trying somewhat politely to steer the assholes sales techniques to the appropriate decision maker but the fucker wouldn’t take a hint. He asked how old JR was, and about any other children, but never once listened to her demands regarding her needs for a car.

Brian eventually took JR from Lindsay and pecked her on the cheek. “ I’d better call Justin before his head explodes, why don’t you take it from here.”

The salesman smiled, “Is Justin your son?”

Lindsay was tired, pissed off, and in no mood. “Justin is his lover, I’m a dyke.”

The salesman was left with his mouth hanging open, trying to recover from the blunder when Lindsay joined Brian in the parking lot. “Well, he lost a sale.” Brian smirked, and they moved on.

It took Lindsay looking at several used cars before she decided she just wasn’t ready to make the purchase yet. Brian nodded and said that large purchases took a lot of decision-making and careful consideration. He had her drop him off at the dealership for his new car and shook her head. “I can’t believe that’s what you bought.”

“It has a back seat, gets decent gas mileage, and the blue is hot.”

She smiled, and drove Justin’s car back to the house. Lindsay had done her best not to show her disappointment, but with her recent hire and the money problems caused by her and Mel’s past few rocky years, not to mention their move, she just couldn’t afford a car right now. She knew she’d have to buy something, but there hadn’t been anything on the lots that had been right.

Brian signed the paperwork for his car, and happily took the keys. He drove it directly to the Volvo dealership and signed the paperwork for the SUV Lindsay had eyed so lovingly. He knew she’d balk, but it was rated one of the safest cars on the road, which meant it was the best for Lindsay and Gus and JR, and after what she’d been through, she deserved it. Besides, his new car was pretty much covered between his share of the sale of his mother’s house and the insurance coverage for the ‘vette. So it was practically like he was buying only one new car, he told himself.

He arranged for delivery of the car the following day and took his new baby for a test spin.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Michael, Ben, Ted, Emmett, Blake, Debbie and Carl were huddled over a booth at the diner with a grid in front of them.

“Okay, so Michael, you and Ben are having dinner with Brian tonight, right?“ They both nodded.

“And then we’re going to stop by with some “tax prep” stuff for him to sign on Tuesday” Ted said.

“Lindsay said that Wednesday she’d have him help her with Gus.” Debbie added. “And Thursday I’m making him come to dinner, we’re having family dinner a night early, since he’s leaving Friday to see Justin, you’ll all be there” she waggled her pencil at them and they nodded their heads in unison. “Good so that should cover most of it. Ted, you’ve talked to Cynthia?”

Ted nodded, “She knows to keep him busy, and in the office as long as possible.”

“Okay, now, Emmett, you’re going to spend a day sight seeing with Justin on Tuesday?” Emmett nodded, “Ted and Blake, you two will be in the city on Wednesday and Thursday?” Nods all around. 

“I have a conference there anyway.” Ted said. 

Debbie sighed. “So the first week is covered. Remember, keep them busy, keep them occupied and whatever you do, at the end of two weeks, they better still be together.”

They all agreed, game faces on, and when Debbie heard the jingle of the door and noticed it was Brian she pretended to be taking their order. “Fine I’ll go put these in” she smiled. “Hi Brian.”

“Hey Deb, thought you all might like to see my latest acquisition.”  
They followed him out to see his new car and gave the appropriate oohs and aaahs.

Michael did his best to seem casual as he invited Brian for dinner that night. Brian shook him off, “I’ve got a lot of work to do.”

“Hey we can bring something over if you’d like.” Ben said

Brian cocked an eyebrow, “You two bored of each other already?”

Ben pulled Michael a bit closer, “Not in the least.”

“We just haven’t gotten to hang out in a while together.” Mikey whined. He knew Brian hated it when he whined, but he also knew Brian capitulated when he whined and with his mother breathing down his neck, he was not going to leave without a firm commitment from Brian for tonight.

Brian shrugged, “I’ll meet you guys at Woody’s after work.”

Michael smiled, “See you at seven.” And kissed Ben as well, “I really should get back to the store, and Hunter’s got a dentist appointment at five so…”  
“I’ll take him.” Ben said. And they left.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Justin suddenly understood Brian's hatred of tiny bottles and airplanes and flying, and airports. He was drunk and rattled when he got off the plane but resisted the Kinneyesqe urge to find a likely prospect and haul him off to the men’s room. Instead he hailed a cab and gave the driver the hotel address. It was a different one, Brian had said something about better corporate rates, or higher class of service, but Justin had a feeling that he’d had too many breakdowns in the old hotel and Brian didn’t want him to stay there alone. He smiled, Brian was right; he didn’t want to stay there alone.

He checked in, and shrugged off the need of a bellman, he had his single suitcase, his backpack and courier bag, he could handle it himself, besides, once he entered the room he planned on locking the door and not leaving again for a while, he hadn’t slept well in the past couple of nights and was feeling tired. 

The room was beautiful, not that he’d expected less, it was a suite, with a fully appointed living room and a grand master bedroom. Justin threw his bags next to the bed, not bothering to unpack; he grabbed his sketchpad, pencils and the complimentary bottle of champagne and sat down on the sofa.

Once settled he opened the bottle and called Brian.

“Hey”

“Hey.

”You didn’t end up in a hundred fiery pieces?”

“Nope.”

“Good, I like you better that way.”

Justin smiled. “The place is nice.”

“Only the best.”

“So what’s on your agenda this evening?”

“Woody’s with Michael and Ben.”

“I wish I could join you.”

“Me too.”

“I’m tired.”

“Nap, you don’t have to be at the gallery 'til nine right?”

“Right and then only for like a half hour.”

“Tell Ranston I said hi?”

“I think he’ll be relived you’re not gonna be here all   
week after the spectacle last time.”

“Yeah well who’s fault was that?”

“Some stupid kid’s.”

“Glad I don’t have to deal with him anymore.”

“Me too.”

“So what are you wearing?”

Justin laughed, “The same thing I was wearing when you put me on the plane.”

“Not a very creative answer.”

“I’m not in a very creative mood.”

Brian understood. 

“Hey, did you pick up your new car?”

”Maybe.”

“Am I gonna get to see it?”

”When you come home.”

”Is this some stupid way of making sure I come home?”

”No, this is a very brilliant way of making sure you come home.”

“Brian.”

“Mmmmmm?”

”I promise you I’m coming home.”

“Duh, all your stuff is here.”

Justin laughed again, “I love you, and I’m going to take a nap.”

“See you soon.”

Justin flipped idly through the channels drinking the entire bottle of champagne and eventually crashing on the sofa, drunk, and too tired to be nervous. He had seven hours until he had to be at the gallery, which was only a few blocks from the hotel. He just let himself shut down for a bit, his entire body feeling as if it had been spinning at high speed for weeks.

When he awoke it was after eight and his head hurt. He stumbled into the bathroom to pee and when he was done ended up emptying his stomach contents as well. He brushed his teeth and took a quick shower. He was dressed and about to leave when his phone rang. He picked up his keycard, slung his messenger bag over his shoulder and answered it. 

“Hi baby.”

“Hi Emmett.”

“How’s the big city?”

Justin laughed, “So far all I’ve seen is the hotel room.”

“You should go out and have some fun.”

“I’m on my way to the gallery, have to make an appearance, then maybe I’ll worry about fun.”

”Well, as it turns out, I am going to be in town tomorrow, I thought you could show me the sights.”

“Emmett, I don’t even know the sights, and why are you gonna be in New York?”

”I’ve got to meet with a client who’s doing her daughters wedding here but she swears she’s too busy to come to Pittsburgh for the initial planning meeting so…”

Justin sighed, sensing a set up of some kind, but thought maybe the company might be appreciated, he gave Emmett the hotel address and room number. “I’m at the gallery, so I’ve got to go, what time should I expect you tomorrow?”

”Oh probably around noon.”

“What time is your meeting?”

”Oh, um, early, so we’ll be done before noon, then I’ll just hop a cab and meet you, we can spend the day finding out what fabulous things New York has to offer.” 

“See you then.”

“Have a good night sweetie.”

“You too Em.”

Justin took a deep breath and stamped out his cigarette before entering the gallery. Ranston saw him and made his way over at once.

“Justin, great you’re here, there’s someone I’d like you to meet.”

Justin put on his fake smile and schmoozed with an older woman who seemed to be constantly in the midst of trying to find what foul odor was assaulting her. She seemed somewhat impressed with his work however, and wanted to know more about one of his pieces that was currently hanging.

Justin gave her an explanation that satisfied her need to feel part of the art elite. He never told her what the image actually represented, that was for each person to decide for themselves.

Ranston took him back to the area where the works for the show were being stored, and they discussed a few minor issues, placement, groupings etc. and Justin promised that they would go into further detail next week and that he’d be there on Wednesday to make sure all the paintings were labeled correctly. He got out of the gallery as quickly as possible, fighting off the urge to book a flight home.

He was walking quickly when he decided he needed to burn off some energy; he’d slept all day, heavily after so much champagne, and needed to move. He hailed a cab and ended up in the East Village.

He listened and looked and walked, and smiled at a couple of guys who cruised him, and narrowed his eyes to a couple of guys who tried to cruise him too closely. 

Once inside the club he actually felt relaxed, the music was throbbing and heavy, the bodies were sleek and toned. He checked his bag and coat and made his way to the bar. There were times, back when he had been a genuine twink, a broke busboy with a ridiculous crush, that he’d let the men who were now offering to buy him drinks do so. Tonight he didn’t want anyone thinking he owed them anything, tonight, he wanted a few drinks, and he wanted to dance.

He ordered and downed the shot quickly, drinking the beer more slowly as he surveyed the crowd. There were a few likely prospects but he wasn’t particularly in the mood. So he ordered two more shots, downed them with practiced ease, finished his beer and made his way onto the dance floor. Black jeans, dark green t-shirt making him look even more pale and his hair more gold, he moved to the beat, dancing with no one in particular.

Over the years he’d become good at this, dancing with men, but not WITH them, happily shaking them off when they wanted more. If he stopped to think about it he’d realize that he’d never done it alone, it was always at Babylon where even if Brian wasn’t there, Michael, Ted, Emmett, Ben, or some combination thereof was ever-present. He never really considered how many times Emmett would dance with him out of the blue, or suddenly Michael and Ben would be dancing together but near him. It never really occurred to Justin that his family made sure that no one hurt him. He’d be touched, and probably angry if he knew just how protective they all felt for him.

Maybe that’s why tonight it felt different, he felt more in control, there was no one to glare disapprovingly, no one to prove something to, and no one to interrupt, so when a beautiful blonde with great hands snaked them around his waist Justin leaned into the dance. It was nice.

They danced for a while more and the guy invited him to the back room. Justin shrugged him off, and the guy smiled, and they danced a little longer. Eventually Justin extricated himself and had a few more drinks, he was feeling good when he returned to the floor and someone else pulled him into a dance, this guy was good, and the feel of their bodies together was hot. Eventually Justin pulled him into the back room himself, pushing the dark haired, slight man to his knees. 

He gave good head, which was rare for Justin to feel these days when it wasn’t Brian, but hell, there were good fags out there other than Mr. Kinney who knew how to suck a cock. The guy looked into his eyes and Justin glanced down, wanting him. He pulled him up and pushed him against the wall. He rolled the condom on quickly and lubed it before pushing himself in. Hearing the guy grunt he smiled and played with the mans nipples, letting him adjust to the feel. Then he began, long slow strokes, keeping his rhythm relaxed for a bit until the trick was fisting himself and pushing back onto Justin fast and hard. Justin increased the pace, leaning his head into the spot between the mans shoulder blades, one hand on the wall next to the guys face, and as he felt the guy come he did the same, letting out a low moan. 

He dropped the condom and tucked himself back into his own clothes. He danced a little longer and went back to the hotel. It was one am.

The phone was ringing. It was Brian.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“You okay?”

”Drunk I think.”

“Mini bar?”

“No this was a full sized bar.”

“Do anything fun, or anyone?”

”Some guy, he wasn’t bad, gave pretty good head, made weird noises though, thought he might be having an asthma attack but turns out, he just had a fucked up way of breathing.”

Brian laughed, “Well, new experiences are good for you.”

“Yeah, Emmett’s going to be in town tomorrow, so I’m probably gonna hang out with him.”

“Mikey and Ben took me to Woody’s and then to Popperz, they wanted me to stay at their place tonight.”

“And Ted has a seminar in the city on Wednesday.”

“And Lindsay wants me to have dinner with Gus on Wednesday”

“I think we’re being baby sat.”

Brian laughed, “I got the same impression.”

”So who is it you think they don’t trust?”

”Probably me.”

“Then why all the time with me?”

“Because you’re more fun anyway.”

“Oh yeah.”

”And they probably think you’re going to fall apart without me.”

“I would, but it’s only five days.”

”You’d be fine without me.”

“Shut the fuck up, we’re not having this discussion.”

“You going to sleep now?”

“Was thinking about it?”

“What are you wearing?”

“Not a damn thing, how bout you?”

”Just smoking a joint in bed, naked.”

“Are you thinking about me?”

“I’m talking to you.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Yeah, I’m thinking about you.”

“Me too.”

“You’re thinking about yourself?”

”Brian, don’t be stupid.”

“Okay, I want you to do me a favor.”

“Mmmmmm hmmm?”

”I want you to open your suitcase.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.”

Fine hang on. Justin opened his suitcase and Brian could hear him even though Justin had put the phone down.

“Brian, what if my luggage had been searched.”

“They’d have known you were a size queen.”

“How did you know I wouldn’t find it before you called?”

”You never unpack. Now take it with you to the bed.”

“I’m on the bed.” Justin's voice was huskier now, and Brian was surprised at what just the sound of him could do to his body.

“I want you to put the phone on speaker, I need both your hands free.”

Justin complied. “I’m on speaker.”

“Now, touch your nipples, know that my tongue is there, licking them, playing with them.” Justin moaned and Brian's hand found his own hard on as he pictured Justin laying on the bed playing with himself, his pale skin flushed pink with desire.  
“You’re hard aren’t you?”

“God yes.” Justin said as his hand moved down to touch his leaking cock. 

“Are you touching yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Stop.” 

Justin whimpered a little which let Brian know he’d stopped. “Now, get on your knees, I want you to lube your ass.”

Justin was moaning softly as he did so.

“That’s my tongue, slide your fingers where you want my tongue to be.”

Justin did as Brian commanded.

“Are you ready for me Justin?”

”Brian, fuck me.”

“Guide me inside.”

And Justin grabbed the huge dildo that Brian had snuck into his luggage and pushed it against himself.  
“It’s big.” he said.

“Do it all at once, I want to hear you scream.”

Justin did, pushing the ten-inch long, and easily six inch round shaft deep into himself, he groaned and Brian shuddered at the sound, moving his hand faster to the sounds Justin was making into the phone.

“Okay, are you ready for me?”

Justin moaned again.

“Do you want me to fuck you Justin?”

”Please yes.”

“Do it.”

And Justin did, pulling the shaft in and out of himself, twisting it, pushing it into his own prostate and feeling his body tremble, closing his eyes and imagining Brian's body over him, kissing him, hearing Brian moaning from the phone by his head, as he grunted into the microphone, driving Brian to the brink from the sounds he was making.

“Come for me Justin.”

Justin reached down, and ran his hand along his own cock, his face turned to the side so that the phone still picked up the sounds he was making as both of his hands worked him to orgasm.

“Brian I’m gonna come.

“I wanna hear it.”

“So close.”

“Come for me.”

And Justin did, moaning and shooting onto the bedspread, His ass filled, his body shaking.

”Now roll over.”

Justin did.

“Am I still inside you?”

Justin nodded, and then laughed, “yes,”

“Okay, I’ll stay there for as long as you need, just go to sleep now sonny-boy, you’ve got to deal with Emmett tomorrow.”

Justin smiled, “I love you Brian.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

Neither hung up the phone immediately, each listening to the other one breathe. And finally Justin heard Brian’s phone disconnect, and he tiredly reached for a pillow, draping his arm over it, as if it were Brian's chest.

Brian turned to his side, pulling a pillow close to himself wishing it were Justin’s back that was pressed against his chest. They both fell asleep hoping that Friday got there quickly.


	15. All Mistakes are Temporary II

Chapter 34

Brian hit the alarm and reached over for Justin, for a moment he was aggravated. “The kid better not be in the studio this early” he thought to himself and then he remembered. “Fuck, he’s in New York.”

He ran his hand through his hair tiredly and tried not to think about how much better he slept when there was a blonde twink drooling on his shoulder. He took a quick shower and headed to the office. He considered stopping at the diner first but wasn’t really in the mood to deal with anyone. He barely grunted a hello to Cynthia before he closed his office door and buried himself in design boards and half assed ideas and basically anything that would keep his brain occupied for a couple of hours. 

Justin woke up groggy and bleary-eyed. His phone was ringing. It was Brian.

“Why are you calling me so early?”

”It’s ten am Sunshine.”

“Fuck, I thought I set the alarm.”

“Alarms can be tricky.”

“Fuck you.” Justin said, recognizing the mocking in Brian's tone.

“Don’t you need to be ready to show Emmett the sights?”

Justin lay back down, “Not for a couple of hours.”

“Well at least you’re sleeping.”

”Fucking meds make me sleep too much, you know that.”

”Take them anyway.”

“I am.”

“So how are you?”

“Tired.”

“I mean…”

“I know what you mean, I’m fine, and I’m not three years old.”

“You’re still not allowed to use that word. Have you eaten anything?”

”I just woke up.”

Deciding not to push the issue but still concerned about how Justin would react to the stress of the upcoming show coupled with their brief separation Brian decided to say nothing for now.

“Tell me again why I have to be here for two weeks?”

”Contractual obligation.”

“Next time I’m gonna read the fucking contract before I sign it.”

Brian laughed, “I think next time I’ll read it for you, just to make sure you’re not letting them put in clauses about leaving me again.”

”Brian…”

“I know, I’m kidding, when did you lose your sense of humor?”

”I think when I got about 150 miles from you.”

“That’s pathetic.”

“I know.”

“So where are you and Emmett heading?”

“Who knows, we’ll figure something out, lunch, shopping, something fabulous for clubbing and then you know, lots of drugs and an orgy.”

“Hmmm, maybe I will come there early.”

”Pfft, if all it took was sex, I’d have had you here already.”

“You had me last night.”

“Last night was hot, but it wasn’t you.”

“Awww, you miss me.”

“You don’t miss me?” Justin was using a voice that made it clear he was pouting.

“Nope, I love all the extra space, and no drool on my shoulder, it’s refreshing.”

Justin laughed, “If I thought that were true, I’d be heartbroken.”

Brian said nothing, refusing to admit just how much he wanted Justin back NOW…they’d spent too much time away from each other in the past year.

“I’ve got to go, I should shower before Emmett arrives.”

“And I’ve got a meeting in fifteen minutes.”

“Is he hot?”

“Haven’t seen him yet.”

”I expect a detailed description.”

“I’ll call you later tonight.”

“Later.”

Brian closed his phone and thanked Emmett silently; Justin's voice had been shaky. He needed a friend right now.

Justin closed the phone and cried. He knew it was stupid. He knew that it was four fucking days until Brian would be there, and that he was an adult, perfectly capable of managing without him, and yet. Brian was so recently back from his spiral, and he felt so riddled with anxiety on some days that the absolute promise that the house held for him. The safety of knowing that Brian would eventually come to their bed, that he always had that bed to crawl into, even if it were only for a couple of hours, it was something he missed more than he would admit.

He drew in a ragged breath, turning the shower hotter than he usually liked and stood under the spray relishing the feel of the water and the soothing effects of the steam. He had his morning breakdown, and now he’d be ready to face the day, and the night, and Emmett would be there to help him. Silently he thanked the meddlesome group of friends that were keeping their eyes on the both of them this week. He felt better knowing Brian was being baby sat as well.

Brian’s meeting went well and the guy was hot. He fucked him in his office after the rest of the creative team had left. It would do until he got to New York.

Justin was pulling on a t-shirt when he heard a knock at his door. He answered it, his hair still damp from the shower.

“Ooh, am I interrupting something?”

“No Em, I’m ready to go.”

“Fabulous, and you look great sweetie.”

Justin gave him a crooked smile, “I look like shit and we both know it.”

”Well, auntie Em can fix that.”

Justin raised an eyebrow, doing his best Brian Kinney impersonation. It didn’t work; on Justin it looked more cute than intimidating. Emmett laughed.  
“So where are we going?”

They were walking down the hallway towards the elevator, Justin's bag slung over his shoulder, his jacket and scarf still in his hands.  
“I thought we’d see a few touristy sites, and then do a little shopping, a little lunch…”

“How was your meeting?”

”What?”

”Your meeting, with the mother of the bride?”

”Oh, fine, just the same old concerns.”

Justin smiled to himself, willing to bet that there was no client at all. “Well lunch sounds good, I’m starving.”

Emmett nodded and they began discussing lunch options.

Brian was finally home. Cynthia had plied him with paperwork and meetings and phone calls to return until he began to suspect some sort of plot. Every time he thought he might be able to get out of the office someone came in with something else that needed his immediate attention. It was well past eight by the time he finally turned off the lights in his office. 

He had just finished changing out of his work clothes when he heard the doorbell. He cursed to himself, and answered.

“Theodore, haven’t we seen enough of each other today?”

”Yeah, but I forgot to get you to sign these, and they quarterly tax stuff is due at the end of the month, so…”

“And you brought Blake along for moral support?”

”Well, we were heading out to dinner and then I remembered, so we swung by.”

“Swung by?” Brian wasn’t buying a word of it; they lived a half an hour in the other direction.

“Where exactly were you heading for dinner in this neck of the woods?”

Ted shifted uncomfortably on his feet. “Just have dinner with us or Debbie’s gonna have my ass.”

Brian laughed, “You’re tonight’s babysitter?”

Ted tried to blow it off, “Babysitter? No, we just figured, since now you have some free time and we hardly get to see you that…”

Brian was glaring menacingly, but then realized that his options were limited to leftover takeout, or dinner with Ted and Blake. He thought longingly about the congealed Thai noodles in the fridge from Thursday but decided he’d be a good sport. “Fine.”

Ted breathed a sigh of relief and Blake smiled at him, “I knew he’d give in.”

“No you didn’t.”

“No, I didn’t, but I think he really misses Justin.”

Brian returned with shoes on and a jacket, “I don’t miss Justin, but I do miss his cooking.”

They headed out to find something that wasn’t a generic chain restaurant, but ended up at one anyway. The suburbs are like that.

Justin and Emmett were browsing through racks of outrageously hued clothing talking about nothing in particular. 

Emmett held up a bright blue shirt with side insets of yellow transparent plastic for Justin's approval. 

Justin wrinkled his nose and shook his head, and Emmett shrugged and added it to the growing pile of clothes to take back to the dressing room.

Justin found a sheer white shirt with a blue sheen to it that he thought might look great under a disco ball, he held it up and Emmett nodded enthusiastically.

“So when is Brian actually coming to the big city?”

”Friday, I wish he were here now.”

Emmett pretended to pout. “Well, if I’m not good company…”

“Emmett, you know that’s not it, I just hate this city, and I hate it more without him.”

“I know sweetie, but look at it this way, if you two got through those three months after the um…non wedding, then surely you can make it through two weeks.”

“I hope so.”

”You really worried sugar?” Emmett looked at Justin trying to ascertain how upset he was.

“You know Brian, he changes his mind and then it gets stuck that way. What if I’m not there and its you know, easier, or more relaxing. Fuck, I don’t have the energy for that fight again.”

“He’s not gonna do that this time baby. He loves you.”

”Fuck Emmett. I know that. I’ve known that longer than he’s known that. But he forgets, and it’s really hard to remind him sometimes.”

”Really hard?”

”Stop it, you know what I mean. Sure, he’ll fuck me even when he’s convinced himself he doesn’t love me, but… Dammit…he better not fucking forget.”

Emmett laughed, “I think you may have finally convinced him you’re not just a trick.”

“Every time I think that he pulls some shit like last month.”

“Last month, when he totaled the car?”

”Yeah, he tried it again after the accident.”

“Tried what?”

Emmett was always willing to talk to Justin and to listen but usually Justin was guarded and vague when he discussed the details of his relationship with Brian. Emmett often wondered if it was because he was protecting Brian by not sharing things Brian would deem mushy or too personal or if it was because Justin thought that talking about it might damage it in some way, jinxing it or something. 

“He tried to convince me to go away again, to leave him.”

Emmett gasped, “That fucker, he did it again, I thought he was over that shit.”

”Yeah well so did I. Then his mom died, and he was like, fucking 29 again, ‘Mr. No one loves me, no one should love me, I don’t believe in love, I’m just like my dad Kinney’ it took everything I had to convince him I wasn’t leaving.”  
How did you finally convince him?”

”I stayed”

Emmett laughed. Justin didn’t join him. 

“But now I’m not there. What if it’s easier without me?”

”It isn’t. We’ve all seen him without you, trust me, he doesn’t find life easier.”

“Emmett, promise me when you go back you’ll keep an eye on him, I don’t care if you have to camp out on the front doorstep, just don’t let him get too used to being alone.”  
Emmett smiled, “I don’t think he’ll have too much alone time.”

“Deb arranged all this didn’t she?”

”All what?” Emmett tried to look shocked and offended.

“The babysitting.”

”It’s not that it’s just…” Emmett trailed off.

“It’s just that you all know what a flaming disaster it becomes when Brian does that thing.”

Emmett wrapped his arms around Justin from behind, “Sweetie, that thing, that Brian does.”

“Yeah?”

”It’s usually because you let him.”

Justin turned around quickly about to argue and then stopped and slumped his shoulders. 

“Yeah, it is. I forget sometimes too.”

“Well, that’s what the ‘babysitting’ is about. It’s so neither of your forget.”

Justin smiled, “You guys care about us that much?”

”Care about you? Sweetie, do you KNOW what it takes to put up with the two of you when you’re apart. First we have to keep track of you, so he can get updates. Then we have to watch him, to make sure he doesn’t end up in a coma on the floor of the gravel pit. Then we get to watch him fuck every non-blonde in Pittsburgh while swearing he doesn’t give a shit. Then we all get the glory of your company while you regale us with how wonderful the life you’re hating is. It’s fucking exhausting.”

Justin laughed even harder now. “It’s not really that bad.”

Emmett gave him a serious look. “It really is. So no forgetting.”

Justin nodded, I promise, now lets go try these on.

They went back to the hotel to change before they went out dancing. Justin was laughing hysterically at the story Emmett was telling about the straight couple that thought a rainbow themed wedding was romantic while he swiped his card to open the door. It hit him the moment he walked in.

For some reason Justin had been able to put it all out of his head with Emmett, and shopping, and he’d even managed to eat lunch without issue and in the back of his head he knew he’d see Brian soon and it was all going to be okay, but then he opened the hotel door and suddenly knew that Brian wasn’t there. He wasn’t anywhere near, he wasn’t coming, he wasn’t okay. He began to shake.

Emmett was still laughing when he saw the change in Justin. “Sweetie, you okay?”  
Justin sat on the bed, sweating and shivering at the same time. He got up quickly and ran to the bathroom, losing his lunch and the pretzel he’d bought from a vendor earlier. He came back out and smiled a little apologetically.

“You’re shaking.”

Justin nodded, still not able to speak, his breathing was shallow, and his heart was racing. He tried to breathe, tried to remember what his doctor had told him to do to get through an attack, but it wasn’t working. He curled up on the bed. “Sorry Em.” He said quietly, tears running down his face.

Emmett was worried, he looked sick, he’d seen how tired and thin Justin had gotten when he had been working on the party and the show at the same time, but he’d seemed to have recovered, but now…Emmett wasn’t so sure. Justin pulled the duvet around him, curled up in a ball. His teeth chattering. He tried to talk to Justin but wide blue eyes stared wide with fear, not seeming to see him. He reached out to touch Justin’s shoulder but the blonde flinched away, pulling himself into a tight ball. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, but he wasn’t making a sound.

Emmett, not knowing what else to do, called Brian.

Brian was actually amused by Blake. It could be the entire bottle of red wine he’d had, or possibly the joint he’d smoked on the way to the restaurant, but Blake had amusing stories about his clients, although he refused to use real names, and had far more of a personality than anyone Brian would have imagined with Ted.

He was laughing at something when his phone rang. 

“Brian, something’s wrong with Justin.”

”What the fuck’s going on?”

Emmett described the symptoms, and Brian could hear the panic in his voice. “Fuck, put the phone up to his ear, and do me a favor.”

Brian took a deep breath; he couldn’t believe he was saying this. He stood up and walked away from the table, motioning to Ted and Blake that He’d return in a few minutes.

Emmett.”

“Yes Brian?”

”Look, just run your hand along his back, and give him the phone.”

“Okay.”

”Justin, you there?”

“Brian?”

”You okay?”

”I’m f…”

”Don’t fucking even think about it.”

”Scared Brian.”

”I know.”

”It’s not gonna be okay.”

”It is.”

”You’re not coming.”

”Yes I am.”

“Brian.”

”I’m right here Justin, I’ll be there in a couple of days I promise.”

”Brian, you can’t come here, you need to…”

”Shhhh, you’re going to be okay, and I’m coming there in a couple of days, just listen to me okay? Justin are you listening?”

”Mmmmmm hmmm.”

“You’re just doing that thing, that panic thing, you’re really good at it sonny-boy. You do it better than anyone I know. You don’t do anything halfway. But it’s just panic, it’s not real, I promise.”

”How do you know?”

”I know everything.”

”No you don’t”

”Yes I do.”

”Nuh uh.”

Brian relaxed, Justin was in a teasing mood, and he’d be okay.

“I know absolutely everything and the one thing I know better than anyone else is you.”

“Are you mad at me?”

”Why the fuck would I be mad?”

”Because I’m insane?”

”We’ve been through this, I like you insane, it keeps things interesting.”

”I’m sorry.”

”You’re not allowed to say that either.”

”Brian, I’m okay now.”

”Are you sure?”

”Yeah.”

“Breathe for me.”

Justin inhaled deeply and exhaled. “See, I’m okay.”

”Go out with Emmett tonight, don’t take too much E and no coke or crystal, you don’t need your heart racing any more tonight.”

”I promise.”

”I’ll stay on as long as you need me.”

”I’m okay now, go back to whatever you were doing.”

”I’m having dinner with Ted and Blake.”

Justin laughed “No wonder you want to stay on the phone with me.”

Brian laughed too. 

“I’m gonna go now Brian.”

”Okay, take a shower, and relax.”

“I will, I love you.”

”I know.”

”Call me later?”

“Later.”

Brian hung up the phone and returned to the table. “Client issue it’s resolved.”  
Neither Ted nor Blake believed him for a moment, they both knew it was Justin, but they were also both smart enough not to say anything.

Brian gripped his own knee under the table trying to make his hands stop shaking. Fine, Justin was okay, but now he was a fucking mess. The kid was in the city, alone and scared. No, Emmett was there, he wasn’t alone. He ordered another bottle of wine and his dinner companions sat back knowing the evening might end up being longer than they had originally anticipated.

Emmett continued to rub his hand along Justin's spine while the blonde talked to Brian. He had no idea what they were saying to each other, Justin was mumbling into the phone and he only caught every few words but he felt the boy relax. He felt his heart slow, and his breathing return to normal. He heard him laugh. Christ, ten minutes ago Emmett had been ready to rush the kid to the emergency room, and now he was laughing, and teasing Brian. Emmett shook his head; these two forgot what they meant to each other. They were both fucking insane.

He was still rubbing Justin's back when the blonde hung up the phone.

Justin lay there for a while, his eyes closed, pretending that it was Brian's hand soothing him. Remembering Brian's words. His promise. He’d be here.

He sat up, and smiled a little. “Sorry ‘bout that, I guess I just freaked.”

“A little, but it’s okay, if you don’t want to go out…”

”No, just give me a few minutes to shower, and then we’ll go.”

”Okay baby. I’ll get changed.”

Justin nodded and let the hot water soothe him back to full calm. He let it wash away the tears and the stiffness in his shoulders and when he was dressed in his new form fitting brown leather jeans and a dark blue top that accentuated his eyes while also drawing attention to his pale skin. He looked amazing. Emmett forgot how hot Justin looked when he really tried and reminded himself silently that he wasn’t worth dying for.

Emmet had gone with bright red leather pants and a purple shirt that accentuated his muscular arms and sculpted torso. He was flamboyant and eye catching and beautiful. The two took off together and enjoyed each other’s company as they drank a couple of beers and surveyed the club. It was Tuesday night, but the crowd was starting to build. They smiled at each other and made their way to the dance floor, happily dancing with each other, and others who offered. Emmett pressed a tab of E into Justin’s hand and he swallowed it dry, dancing with a hot guy with long brown hair while he waited for the drugs to take over.

A little while later, the club was dazzling. Justin was feeling no pain and Emmett was watching him carefully. He hadn’t taken anything himself, after Justin’s little episode he felt the need to have his wits about him, but he also understood that Justin might need to lose himself a little for the night.

Justin did go disappear with a beautiful dark haired guy, black hair and startling blue eyes, but he returned, with a broad smile and a satisfied stagger fifteen minutes later. He danced with Emmett some more, losing himself to the music. Emmet offered him a popper and he let his eyes roll back for a few seconds and danced even harder. Eventually he found himself with a blonde god, Six foot three, perfect body, and amazing abilities with his mouth. He was smiling even more broadly when he returned again. Emmett decided it was time to take him home.

“I want to stay a little longer.”

”Sweetie, you’ve got to be at the gallery at ten tomorrow and it’s already two thirty.”

“Fuck, I have to be back by three.”

”Still?”

”It’s the rules.” Justin smiled, “Watch, the phone will ring at 2:59”

Emmett grabbed Justin, paid the coat check for their coats and hailed a cab. He poured the blonde into the taxi, and gave the hotel address. They got back to the room at 2:58  
A minute later the phone rang.

“See.” Justin said as he answered.

“See what?” Brian asked.

“Nothing, I was just saying you call a minute early.”

“I do not, I called at three.”

“It’s 2:59”

”It takes time to dial.”

”You have voice dial.”

”What the fuck are you on?”

”You said it could do E.”

”Where’d you get it.”

”Emmett, duh, I don’t take candy from strangers.”

Brian laughed, “You’re flying.”

”I am, you should be too, then we could fuck, and we’d be fucking flying.” Justin started to laugh uncontrollably.

“Is Emmett there?”

”Yep.”

“Put him on for a second.”

“Sure thing.”

“He wants you to watch me” Justin said, handing the phone to the taller man.

“Brian?”

”You staying?”

”I’ll stay, no problem.”

“Make sure he drinks a lot of water, and don’t give him any fucking valium to help him come down, he’s already got a sleeping pill, oh and he’ll forget, so make sure he takes it, and his other meds, they’re packed in the inside zipper of his suitcase.”

“Okay”

“Are you on anything.”

”I thought I’d baby-sit tonight.”

”I owe you one.”

”I’ll be sure and collect.”

Brian heard Justin giggling, and then Emmett made a small yelping sound. Brian growled. “You’re not collecting from him tonight.”

”Brian, I value my life a little more than that.”

“I want to talk to my…Brian.”

Emmett handed the phone back to Justin. “You should have seen the guy who blew me tonight, he was hot. Not as hot as you, but still.” 

Brian smiled and tried to think of it as just another trick, he was not gonna start getting jealous about shit like this now.

“What was his name?”

”Shhhh, that’s against the rules, no names, I called him Blondie.”

”So he was blonde?”

”Nope, the other guy was, I called him Turk.”

”Why Turk?”

Justin started to laugh. “Um, I don’t remember, but he had a great tongue, Blondie had black hair and liked it hard and fast.”

“I’m glad you had fun.”

”It’s more fun with you, I like you hard and fast, or hard and slow, or…well, just hard.”

Brian smiled, “yeah, well, you do that to me.”

”Do I make you horny baby do I?” Justin asked in a terrible Austin powers impression. 

“Not when you’re this tweaked.”

Justin pouted. “You can’t see it but I’m pouting.”

”I can hear it.”

”Brian, come here.”

”I will come once I’m there.”

”Promise?”

”Yes.”

”Did you fuck the client?”

”Yes.”

”Was he hot?”

”Not as hot as you Blondie.”

Justin giggled. “I should go, I have a guest to entertain.”

“That’s Emmett, it’s a different kind of entertaining.”

”Pfft, I know, you don’t fuck your friends. Duh, I’m tweaked not stupid.”

“Okay then. Go take your meds and drink some water, and go to sleep.”

“Do you remember that you love me?”

”Yes.”

”Good, don’t forget okay?”

”Okay.”

”I remember stuff about you.”

”Like what?”

”Like that it makes you moan when I lick the tattoo on the inside of your thigh and that I love that, oh, and I love you.”

Brian laughed again. “It’s all true.”

“G’night Bri.”

”G’night sunshine.”

Justin closed the phone and Emmett pretended not to have heard most of the conversation.


	16. All Mistakes are Temporary II

* * *

****

  
Chapter 35  


* * *

The phone rang at nine.

“What?”

“Good morning sir, this is the front desk with your wake up call.”

“Fuck off.”

“Yes sir.”

Justin groaned, he didn’t feel like spending an entire day at the gallery arguing with Ranston but he knew he had to. He crawled out of bed, his only goal a shower. 

“I’m gonna get going sweetie, my plane leaves in a little over an hour.”

Justin had forgotten Emmett was still there. “Why’d you sleep on the couch?”

“I like my arms attached.”

Justin smiled, “Brian only pretends to be jealous.”

“He’s not pretending, besides, better safe than sorry, especially when you were flying so high last night.”

Justin’s smile widened, “last night was fun. Fuck, did I do that to you Emmett?”

Emmett looked at him questioningly and then noticed where his eyes were directed; there was a large hickey on Emmett’s neck. “No baby, that was someone else.”

“Good, that’d be awkward.”

“I gotta go, see you at the show.”

“Yeah, and don’t forget…”

“I know, take care of Brian, we will.”

Justin leaned in to kiss Emmett on the cheek and once the door shut behind him he turned the shower on as hot as he could stand it and stood under the spray.

Emmet was in the elevator before he put a hand to his neck. Yes, Justin had done that, but in his sleep, and there was no reason to make an issue out of it. Emmett had lay down next to Justin after handing him his meds and some water. Soon after they both drifted off. He had awoken to Justin whispering Brian's name and nibbling at his neck. He’d pushed the blonde off of him and moved to the sofa for the rest of the night. Brian was one lucky bastard, he thought to himself as he hailed a cab to get him to the airport.

Justin was at the gallery by ten thirty, and ignored Ranston’s ramblings about punctuality. They started to go through the catalog for the show and time flew.

Brian tried to call Justin twice but there was no answer on the hotel phone and his cell went directly to voicemail. After the third message he stopped calling. Justin would call him when he could. He was at the gallery today.

He focused instead on the new line of cosmetics that he was working on making more upscale. Trying to get them into finer stores instead of hanging on racks at the Big Q. He thought he might have come up with a marketing angle that hadn’t been done a thousand times before when his phone rang.

 

“Is it too late to go to Dartmouth?”

”I think so, rough day?”

”Grrr, you don’t want to know.”

“Sure I do.”

“Fucking Ranston, wants to hang pieces so that they’ll juxtapose.”

“Juxtaposition is bad?”

“I want the show to flow, I want to start with certain pieces that ease into other pieces, kind of telling a story. In his version the story looks a lot like memento.”

”Well, that’s…. artsy.”

“It’s bullshit Brian. It’s MY stuff, it should hang in the order I say.”

“Sadly, he’s not as willing to put up with your being a bossy bottom as I am.”  
Justin took a long drag of his cigarette, he was walking towards the nearest Starbucks, he wasn’t even sure he wanted coffee, he had just used the need for a latte as an excuse to get away from Ranston before he smashed one of his own paintings over the mans head.

“Brian, he’s an asshole.”

”Yeah, he is.”

“I suppose you won’t help me kill him either?”

”Not 'til after the show at least.”

“After the show I won’t need to kill him.”

“Then the problem goes away either way.”

“Brian.”

“Yeah?”

”You’re coming on Friday right?”

Brian sighed, “I’m getting really tired of that question.”

“I’m really getting tired of Ranston telling me what a wonderful contrast numbers 39 and 7 would be hanging next to each other.”

“Why don’t you take a break and get some lunch.”

“I’m getting a latte.”

“That’s not food.”

“Are we really gonna have this conversation?”

”Not if you ate this morning.”

Justin was silent.

“Last night?”

Justin still didn’t say anything.

Brian’s free hand balled into a fist. “I’m not coming to New York if you’re gonna be all skinny and crazy when I get there.”

“You said you liked me crazy.”

“Fucking eat something.”

Justin took his latte and left Starbucks. “There’s a hotdog vendor, will that make you happy?”

”Sure, botulism sounds delicious.”

“Fuck you.”

”I’m planning on fucking you.”

Justin rolled his eyes.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me.”

”How the fuck did you know I was rolling my eyes?”

”I heard it.”

“I’m gonna scream.”

“You’re on the street in New York, I don’t think anyone will even notice.”

Justin shook his head. “Hang on Brian. One with mustard. Okay I’m back.”

“You’re really eating a hotdog on the street.”

“I don’t have time to do much else, if I stay away too long I’m going to have to revisit the fights I’ve already won this morning.”

“I’d help if I could.”

“I know you would.”

“Who’s babysitting you tonight?”

”I think Ted and Blake are in town, but I’m thinking of blowing them off. I’m tired. You?”

“I’m going over to Lindsay’s to help her assemble something for Gus, or JR.”

“Did she buy something just so you’d have to assemble it?”

Brian laughed. “Maybe she took something apart so I’d have to reassemble it. The kid is six, I still don’t know what a fucking gratchett is.”

“Well, it’ll be nice for you to spend time with Gus, you haven’t had a lot of time lately.”

“You mean I haven’t been using my time wisely lately.”

”I was trying not to nag.”

”It’s amazing how well you can nag without actually saying anything.”

”Yeah, I’m just that good.”

“You are good.”

“Except when I’m bad.”

“Even then, you’re pretty fucking good.”

“Stop, I’m blushing. I’ve got to go, I’m back at the gallery, and GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHIT! He’s rearranging things we’ve already agreed on.”

“Friday.”

”Yeah, later.” Justin said distracted as he closed his phone and stormed into the gallery to fight for his vision of his first solo show.

 

Brian put the phone down relieved. Justin was angry, but he wasn’t scared, and he’d at least tried to eat. Two fucking days. No big deal, they were grown men, he was Brian fucking Kinney for fucks sake, he could handle two fucking days until he saw Justin.

At seven Justin’s phone rang again, It was Ted and Blake. “Hey, we were wondering what you were doing for dinner.”

“Joining you, but I have to get back to the hotel, shower and change. I’ll meet you in the lobby at eight?”

”Sounds good.”

He hung up quickly and promised Ranston he’d be at the teaser show on Saturday, and at the Sunday brunch with the backers. He also made Ranston promise not to touch the order they’d agreed upon, and headed back to the hotel.

Blake and Ted were waiting for him in the lobby when he came back down. They debated options and ended up at an upscale trendy annoyingly pretentious place with mediocre food but Blake was actually pleasant company. He had amusing client stories and Ted filled Justin in on what he’d missed while he was gone. Neither one would tell him what kind of car Brian had bought; they’d been sworn to secrecy.

At eleven they left and Justin went back up to his room. He was tired, and his head was spinning with ideas for the show, and ideas for new paintings, he grabbed his sketchbook, he took his meds and waited for Brian to call.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Brian showed up on Lindsay’s doorstep at seven, he’d changed into jeans. She greeted him with a hug and a large box. “It says all the tools are included.”

Brian snorted, “They’re always missing something, what is this anyway?”

“It’s a play center for JR.”

Brian stared for a second. “If I promise to stay and be babysat anyway, do I still have to put this together?”

Lindsay laughed, “Yes, you know Michael can’t work a gratchett, and you were so good with Gus’s swing set.”

“Yeah, great, as I recall Mel was the one who actually got it to stand up and hold weight.”

“Well, Mel isn’t around to do that now.”

Brian tried to ignore the note of sadness in Lindsay’s voice. Instead he opened the box and pretended to study the assembly manual.

“Brian… About the car.”

“You don’t like the color?”

“You know I can’t accept it.”

“Bullshit, you need to be able to get to work, it’s the safest thing on the road, and it’s what’s best for Gus, and JR.”

“Brian, I’m trying to stand on my own here.”

“I’m not stopping you, go stand all by yourself, stand anywhere you want, just stand there with the keys in your pocket.”

Lindsay sighed. “It’s too much.”

“It’s nothing. Give it to Gus when he’s 16 we’ll call it an early birthday present.”

“Brian.” Lindsay laughed.

He smiled at her, “I want you to have the fucking car okay, you and the kids need it, you can’t keep taking Justin’s and I’m sure as hell not lending you mine so really, it’s for me. This way I don’t have to lend your or Justin my new car.”

“So you bought me the new Volvo SUV with a DVD player for the kids and all the bells and whistles because you’re selfish and won’t share your car with me or Justin?”

“Yes.” 

She laughed again. “Fine, but this is the last thing I’m accepting from you.”

“Actually I was thinking we should put an addition onto this house.”

“Brian!”

“Seriously, JR’s a regular speed demon, and Gus isn’t exactly shrinking, I figured we’d add on a large living room, a study and Make the kitchen a little bigger, nothing too extravagant but…”

“Brian you can’t just give me a house.”

“Who’s giving you a house? I’m increasing the resale value of the property. Besides, if you want Gus to have a dog, you should probably fence in the back yard, and if I’m going to do that, then we need to figure out where the back yard is, and we can’t do that until we put the addition on. It’s just more practical this way.”

Lindsay sighed and went to the kitchen to check on dinner, trying to decide if she wanted to strangle or hug him for his unwavering generosity. In the end she just decided to feed him, and they both got slightly buzzed from a couple of bottles of wine before he kissed her lightly on the cheek and walked back to the house. It was a little after 11.

He pulled his cell out of his pocket and called Justin.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“You sound tired.”

“You got that from hey?”

“I know everything remember?”

“I remember lots of things.”

“How was dinner with Ted and Blake?”

“Blake has a personality, did you know that?”

“Yeah, found out last night, shocked the hell out of me.”

Justin laughed, “Me too, but he’s funny.”

“His client stories are great.”

“Have I mentioned how much I am not looking forward to tomorrow?”

“You and Daphne, sounds like fun.”

“I’m too tired to keep up with her.”

“Someone’s getting old.” Brian singsonged.

“I’m not getting old, but these stupid meds make me tired, and I’ve been working all day.”

“And partying all night.”

“Just last night.”

“And the night before.”

“We’re not really having this conversation.”

“No, we’re not. I am not a hypocrite.”

“Oh you so are, but I’m not tired because I’ve been dancing I’m tired because…”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“What.”

“It’s stupid.”

“So.”

“Because it’s hard to sleep when you’re not in the bed.”

Brian laughed. 

“Don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not laughing at you sunshine, I’m just glad you didn’t get to used to me not being around.”

“I hate it when you’re not around.”

“I know the feeling.”

“What are you wearing?”

Brian smiled widely, “nothing.”

“Mmmmmm, that’s too bad.”

“Why’s that?” Justin could hear him smirking.

“Because I was gonna take your clothes off with my teeth, but you’re already naked.”

“I can put them back on.”

“No don’t bother, I’m too tired to do much anyway, I’d probably have fallen asleep after your third button.”

“I’m not wearing a button down.”

“I thought you weren’t wearing anything.”

“Yeah, that too. What are you wearing?”

“Just my white underwear, I’m in bed, tired.”

“You take your meds?”

“You know I did, they make me groggy.”

“You drink anything tonight?”

“Some pretentious microbrew beer.”

“That all?”

“And one tiny tiny tiny bottle of gin.”

“Tell me you didn’t take your meds with a mini bar bottle of gin.”

“I thought you told me not to lie to you.”

Brian sighed, “Someday you’ll go a whole day without making me worry.”

“Someday you’ll stop worrying about things that don’t matter.”

“You matter.”

“I love you Brian.”

“I love that about you.”

“G’night.”

“Sleep well sunshine.”

“Friday?”

“Friday.”

“Promise?”

“Mmmmmm hmmm.”

“K”

Brian closed the phone and left a message on Cynthia’s voicemail.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Daphne was staying on the same sofa that Justin had slept on for months while he was in New York. She was banging on his hotel room door at ten the next morning.

He flung the door open and greeted her with a wide grin.

“You’re a freak.”

”You’re the freak, banging loud enough to wake the dead.”

“I’ve been knocking for ten minutes.”

“I was in the shower.”

He moved aside to let her in. “So what’s on the agenda today?”

“Whatever you want, I’m just here to…”

“Don’t tell me Deb roped you into babysitting too.”

Daphne shot him a confused look, “babysitting? No, I just haven’t had a chance to hang out with you in like forever.”

“That’s because you and Brad have spent like, every waking moment together.”

“Well, yeah, he’s been around a lot, but you haven’t exactly been Mr. Available.”

“I was working.”

“Among other things.”

“Hey, it’s been a rough year.”

Daphne rolled her eyes. “In the six years you’ve known Brian, which year wasn’t rough?”

Justin thought about it, he almost said something and then closed his mouth again. “Brian is high maintenance.”

“So are you.”

“We have one of those roller coaster relationships.”

“Sounds nauseating.”

“It is, but what am I supposed to do, I love him.”

“Duh, you told me that the day after you met him.”

Justin shrugged. “He really is a great fuck.” 

Daphne leaned back on the bed and threw a pillow at him. “Are we going to spend yet ANOTHER day hanging out and talking about Brian or might we actually do something?”

“Lets, go, we can be tourists if you want.”

“Sounds fun.”

“Daph.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry. I forget sometimes that you’ve been there for like, all of it, Christ, I must be the most annoying best friend ever.”

“Well, you’re not always the easiest to get a hold of, but I get it. I mean, you two, and you and me, we’re friends, that’s what we do, I mean how many times have I made you bring me ice cream at four in the morning because some asshole called, or didn’t call, or left, or wouldn’t leave, it’s what we do, it’s how we are.”

“I know but, just, thank you okay?”

“Thank you too. Now can we go do something corny before I cry?”

“Sure, Empire State Building or Statue of Liberty.”

“Uggggh, suddenly touristy sounds less fun, can’t we just go shopping.”

Justin smiled and Daphne’s smile was even wider, “I know just the place.”

They were laughing and joking and generally acting like the teenagers they used to be, and drawing odd looks from some of the clientele at Barney’s. 

Justin bought Daphne a pair of earrings she’d been eyeing, and she bought him an outrageously expensive messenger bag to replace the ratty one he’d been carrying for years. 

“Daph, you can’t afford this.”

“Of course I can.”

“While working for practically minimum wage at the clinic?”

“Didn’t I tell you, I got approved for licensure, I’m a therapist.”

“You’re a…”

“I finally finished my Masters and my supervision training. Fucking internship impoverished me but now they brought me on at the hospital as a full time clinician, so real money.”

“Yeah but even hospital clinician real money…”

“Justin, how many months did you pay half the rent even though you were living with Brian.”

“We weren’t living together, that’s why I paid you rent.”

She rolled her eyes. “If you weren’t living together how come I saw you like, twice a month?”

“Ummm…”

“Yeah, so let me do this for you.”

“Fine, but then I’m buying you the matching necklace.”

“Don’t be a dork.”

Justin went back to the jewelry counter, and Daphne smiled. She was just relived to see Justin so happy, and to think that she’d finally finished school. Maybe after all the drama, they could both be happy.

They continued to prattle on, finishing each other’s sentences, oversharing about their love lives, and generally reminding themselves why their friendship had lasted so long while they had lunch, and continued to shop. Justin was looking for something to wear to the opening, but he wasn’t too worried about it, he still had the stuff Brian had bought him on his first trip to Barney’s.

Daphne was looking for something for a special occasion but she wouldn’t mention what it was. Finally Justin spun her around. “Just tell me what’s happening, then I can help you find the right outfit.”

“I um…”

“You umm….” Justin rolled his hands trying to get her to finish her sentence.

“I ummm, think Brad’s gonna propose.”

Justin pulled her into a hug. Then pulled back “you think?”

“Well, we’ve talked about it, and we’ve kind of looked at rings, and then I kind of got some signals, and then I um…”

“You ummm…”

“I sort of found the ring in his underwear drawer.”

“Which you were rifling through because?”

“Because I thought there might be a ring in there.”

Justin laughed “and you’re sure it’s for you?”

She pushed Justin, “who else would it be for? We’ve been together almost a year, and well, I think I love him.”

“You think?”

“I love him.”

“Good, so when?”

“I don’t know, but I think this weekend, when I get back, he’s got reservations at Papagano’s and well, it seems the perfect time, and it’s where we went on our first real date…”

“Two months after you’d already been fucking.”

“Why date a guy if he’s gonna be lousy in bed?”

“And I’m the freak.”

“Can we just accept we’re both freaks?”

“Sure, so lets find you something dazzling.”

Daphne smiled and followed Justin who helped her find the perfect outfit for the upcoming occasion.

When he dropped her off back at her friends house he was sad to say goodbye, but they’d both be back in Pittsburgh by the end of the month. He stayed for a little while with his old roommates, had a beer or two, and was going to head back to the hotel when they invited him out to the club with them.

He had turned them down so many times before but tonight it sounded like fun. They were surprised when he said yes. Daphne was invited as well, but she begged off, claiming to have a headache. Justin knew that Daphne was a great fag hag in almost every aspect, but she HATED to watch him club. She hated to watch him with anyone but Brian. He loved Daph, and never minded the quirk. He found it cute that she was bothered far more by the tricking than either Brian or Justin. He kissed her on the cheek and left with the guys.

The club was packed, and Justin, as usual lost himself to the beat. He ordered a shot and a beer, and then another shot. When Paul, one of his old roommates offered him a bump he took it. 

“Shit that’s strong.”

“My own special trail mix.”

Justin was feeling good, the four of them danced together until Joe and Raymond found other guys to disappear with. He and Paul were dancing when Justin felt a strong arm at his waist. He spun to see who was invading his space and smiled, the guy was not too tall, probably about 5’ 11” with light brown hair and gray eyes. He was a good dancer too. When they spun again Paul was off with someone else and Justin continued to dance with gray eyes. They were moving against each other, enjoying the feel of their bodies pressed together when he felt a taller presence against his back. 

Justin continued to move, gracefully backing away a bit to see what this one looked like. He was hotter than gray eyes. Olive skin, broad chest, strong hands, Black hair and tall. He was definitely Brian’s type Justin thought as he let himself be sandwiched between the two.

Paul joined them again after a couple of songs and offered Justin another bump. He took it gratefully and then headed back to the bar for a drink. Grey eyes and Olive Skin followed him. They each bought a round, and after the three shots, and another beer Justin whispered leaned in to lick Olive Skin’s ear, “Wanna come back to my hotel?”

Olive skin nodded and Grey eyes looked disappointed until Justin smiled his patented sunshine smile, “Don’t worry, I’m not leaving you here alone”, and he pulled Gray eyes by the waistband as Olive skin followed the two out of the club.

“Fuck” Paul said to Raymond, I thought he was…

“Yeah,” Raymond said, I didn’t peg him as that good.

“But he is” 

“Apparently.”

The two went back to dancing.

“Either of you have a car?”  
Gray eyes and Olive skin shook their heads. Justin hailed a cab.  
When all three were in the back Justin gave the address and leaned back as the four hands of the other men began to stroke him. He stroked back, and sighed softly as he felt his shirt lifted and a tongue on his nipple.

They tried to restrain themselves as they headed up to the suite but by the time the elevator was opening Grey eyes shirt was off and Olive skin was tugging at the waistband of Justin's jeans.

He opened the door and directed his guest to the bed. He pulled a few more bottles out of the mini bar and tossed them onto the bed, downing one himself.

Then he took control.

“I want you.” He pointed at Grey eyes.  
“You.” He gestured to Olive skin, can eat my ass while I’m fucking him.  
They were both naked now and Justin pulled out a condom and some lube, he was shoving his fingers into Grey eyes, watching as his ass pushed back on his hand, making him even harder, and as he moved himself towards the man kneeling on the bed he felt hands on his ass cheeks, and a tongue along his crack. He moaned and pushed himself into the willing ass on the bed, burying himself to the hilt. 

He heard the moans the man was making, he leaned forward, and pushed the tricks head down with his hands, while pumping into him with long and slow strokes.

He felt a lubed finger in his ass, and pushed back against it while he fucked the other man. The guy was tight, good, and squeezing his ass around Justin’s dick. He felt another finger in his ass and was pumping back on the fingers and then into the ass in front of him. He kept his rhythm moving faster and harder as the fingers found his prostate and started to wriggle against it. He moaned louder, and let out a yell as he came.

Sweaty he lay back on the bed. 

“Suck him off.” Justin ordered olive skin, motioning towards Gray eyes. And as the man crawled across the bed to do just that Justin watched the action.

Grey eyes was on his knees, his mouth licking at Justin's neck and nipples, his hands stroking his thighs. Olive skin was on his back, sucking Gray eyes off, letting him fuck his mouth.

When Justin was hard again he got up from the bed and pushed his re-sheathed cock into Olive skin, resting the mans long dark legs on his pale shoulders, grabbing and fisting the guys thick cock at the same time.

A few seconds later Brian walked in.

Both men stopped moving when they saw a new player enter the suite.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Brian had decided to cancel any Friday meetings he had and take a late flight Thursday night instead. He figured he’d surprise Justin. By the time he got out of the airport and caught a cab it was well after midnight. It was almost one when he finally got to the hotel. Cynthia had called ahead, so the concierge had the key ready for him. He hoped Justin wasn’t asleep. 

He wasn’t.

When Brian walked in he was a little surprised, but then he was just fucking hard. Christ the kid looked hot, fucking that guy, the dark legs on his shoulder, his head thrown back.

The two men stopped when they saw him enter. He closed the door behind him.

“Hi honey I’m home.”

Justin smiled “You’re early.”

“Looks to me like I’m right on time.”

The men began to move again when they realized they were not in the middle of a domestic dispute.

Brian pulled off his sweater and kicked off his shoes. He dropped his jeans and the men were more than happy to let the gorgeous new player onto the field.

Brian stood behind Justin, his arms around his waist. Justin leaned his head back to kiss Brian, while continuing to thrust into Olive skin. “He’s hot.” Brian whispered in his ear.

“You’re hotter.” Justin said.

“Still mine?”

Justin gave him a look that told him everything, and within moments Brian slid a condom on and was buried deep inside Justin, who was now moaning more loudly. 

“Fuck me Brian.” He said as Brian pushed into him while he pushed into Olive skin. Brian was setting the pace now, and soon Grey eyes came, his head thrown back, his mouth open. He moved out from beneath Olive skin and began to use his mouth and his hands again. He was kneeling over the man Justin was fucking and licking at Justin's nipples, tugging at them with his teeth, taking small nips and long licks and butterfly flicks of his tongue along his chest and around his pink and hard nipples. He leaned up to kiss the him but the blonde leaned his head away, offering his neck as he kissed the really hot hazel eyed guy behind him.

Justin was on overload. His tongue and Brian's swirling together. His cock thrusting into the hot guy who was making small mewling sounds in the back of his throat. The feather light and then pinching nips of a hot mouth across his chest and belly. His ass burning and full, Brian moving inside him expertly. He came moments later, shooting hard. He would have fallen if Brian hadn’t held him upright. Strong arms wrapped around his waist, Brian’s hard chest to lean back on.

Justin pulled out, and Brian pushed into him again. Justin was on top of Olive skin now, His mouth finding neck, nipples, chest, to lick and suck as Brian fucked him harder. Justin was pushing his cock against the man under him. They rubbed themselves together until he felt him come. The sticky warm fluid making them slide against each other while Brian continued his assault until Justin felt himself about to come again. 

“Close Brian.”

“I’ll get you there sonny-boy”  
And that did it. Justin came again, his ass squeezing against Brian until he could hold back no longer and he came as well, feeling Justin’s anal walls milking him. He groaned loudly as his head fell back. 

Wet, sticky, naked, both Brian and Justin lay on the bed, kissing each other, and letting the other two move their mouths along their prone bodies.

“You’re not supposed to be here 'til tomorrow.”

“Yeah, but then I would have missed all this.”

“Bullshit you missed me.”

“Well, you apparently weren’t missing me.”

“Please, it took two of them to even come close to satisfying me, you can do it in five minutes without taking your clothes off.”

Brian raised an eyebrow, “really?”

Justin let out a hiss as Gray eyes licked along his thigh and lathed his balls. “Mmmmmm really.”

Brian smiled again, leaning over to kiss Justin deeply, allowing Olive skin to rim him.

The two of them lay, tangled in each other, murmuring to one another, while the other two men worked them back to full arousal.

“Want you inside me again.” Justin whispered.

“With an audience?”

“Don’t fucking care.” Justin almost growled with need.

Brian took it upon himself to dismiss the tricks. “We’re done now, you guys can go.”

They looked at each other, and the couple intimately entwined on the bed and grabbed their clothes quickly. 

When they were gone Brian lay fully on top of Justin, stroking the blonde bangs off of his sweaty forehead. “You are so fucking hot.”

Justin smiled, “You are beautiful. Now fuck me.”

“See what I mean about bossy bottoms?”

“Brian.” It was almost a whine, as he wrapped his pale legs around Brian's waist, thrusting his erection against Brian's body. Please.

Brian needed to hear more, the kid had already come at least three times tonight, but he wanted to make him desperate again. He smiled and moved his mouth down Justin's body, blowing hot kisses against his chest, licking lightly at the head of his cock, sucking his balls, gently rolling one around on his tongue, and then the other. He felt Justin's breathing become more rapid. He felt his own desire increase.

He moved his body up again, rubbing their erections against each other, slowly, almost languidly, until Justin was beyond need.

“Now Brian, NOW!”

Brian smiled, and grabbed a condom, he pushed into Justin, folding him in half, watching his blue eyes turn darker, and glaze over with pleasure. He was on his knees now and he lifted Justin's body, his small feet hitting the headboard, his shoulders the only thing on the bed and he slammed into him, hard.

Justin's scream was probably heard throughout the entire hotel as he did it again.

Justin had wanted Brian, needed him, and now, all the blood was rushing to his head, his body felt like it was freefalling, it’s only connection to the earth was Brian inside him, and then he pulled out and slammed back in, hard, hitting the sweet spot with agonizingly beautiful force. He cried out Brian's name, again and again and when he finally came, Brian was right behind him.

The two of them lay on the bed, drenched with sweat, and come. The room smelled like sex, and lust and them. And they slept like that, entangled both sleeping better in their naked wet and sticky condition than they had since Justin left for New York less than a week ago.


	17. All Mistakes are Temporary II

* * *

****

  
Chapter 36  


* * *

After they woke up and showered Brian and Justin debated, room service or going out. They decided on room service and were half naked and breathless by the time the food arrived.

Brian pulled his jeans back up and let the guy in; Justin remained in bed, a sheet draped over him for privacy.

Once the guy left, Brian went back to what he was doing, but Justin had lost focus. He was reaching for a bagel.

“Brian, I’m hungry.”

“Me too.” Brian whispered as he licked at Justin’s inner thigh. 

Justin moaned, and Brian looked up to see him licking cream cheese off of his fingers. He rolled onto his back, pretending to pout. “I was doing some of my best work, and all you can think about is a bagel.”

“You get mad at me when I don’t eat.”

“Yeah, but I get mad at you when you don’t let me blow you too.”

“But you can blow me later, by then the bagel will be cold.”

Brian sighed, “Hand me an orange, I can’t argue with logic like that on an empty stomach.”

Justin tossed the fruit to him, and continued to eat while making sounds that drove Brian insane. When Justin finally finished Brian pounced on him, licking the small remnant of cream cheese off of the corner of the blonde’s mouth. 

“I missed you.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“Mmmmmm, that feels good.”

“You still hungry?”

Justin shook his head, “Want you now.”

Brian smiled and worked down Justin's neck, kissing each sensitive spot with studied patience. 

“Brian, just fuck me.”

“Oh, I will, but you’re going to have to wait.”

Justin lay his head back, feeling Brian's mouth move down his body, while his hands were running up and down his back, making his pale torso arch into Brian’s mouth. 

“Brian…”

“You’re gonna have to wait.” Brian repeated.

“You’re punishing me because I wanted a bagel?”

”Is this punishment really sooo bad?” Brian asked as he nipped at a sensitive spot on Justin's inner thigh.

“It is when I want you inside me.”

Brian moved even more slowly. “Open up for me Justin” he said quietly, as he pushed the pale thighs further apart. Justin followed Brian's directions, only to be disappointed when he felt the long lean body move further down on the bed. He moaned when Brian took his balls into his mouth, sucking and letting them fall out with a gentle scrape of his teeth. Justin hissed at the cool feeling against his wet sac, “Brian.”

“Patience sunshine.”

Justin was wet now, his cock dripping precum onto his stomach, his body spread open, his hips thrusting into nothing as Brian sat back on his haunches between Justin's knees, watching him writhe.

“I want you on your knees.”

Justin scrambled into position, ready for Brian, more than ready, desperate. But Brian continued to move slowly, and was determined to have Justin a quivering mass of need. “Spread yourself open for me.”

Justin wanted to protest; it was so… he dropped his face into the pillow as he moved his hands back to his ass, pulling his cheeks apart.

“God you’re hot like this. Open and ready. You are such a little slut sometimes.”

Justin moaned at the words. His face turned red at the image of himself so wantonly submissive. 

 

“I want you to lube your ass for me.” Brian said, and smiled as he watched Justin’s hole pucker at the sound of his voice. Brian took a small dab of lube, removed one of Justin's hands from his ass and transferred it to the artist’s fingers. “Do it.”

Justin wanted to cry, but more than that he wanted Brian inside him. He moved his fingers, pushing them inside himself, riding his own hand, as he shoved a third finger inside. He almost forgot about Brian as he pumped back on his own hand until he heard Brian’s harsh command. “Stop it.”

He removed his hand quickly, and wiped his fingers off on the sheet.

“Open up again.” 

Justin did as he was told, Brian moved closer, and Justin readied himself but he wasn’t going to get what he wanted quite yet.

He felt the hard lean body over his, he moved his hands, and Brian pulled them over his head, holding them both there, entwining their fingers. His hard cock was at the crack of Justin’s ass, but he refused to push it any further. Eventually he slid it down, sheathed and slicked with some of the lube Justin had applied and pushed into Justin’s balls. Justin moaned as he prodded lightly at them, and then slid his hard cock between Justin’s legs, rubbing it up against Justin’s equally hard shaft, simply sliding between his thighs.

Justin was whimpering now, he was trapped. The weight of Brian's body, and the enormity of his need held him down. He tried to angle himself, to move, to do anything that would result in being allowed to come but Brian stroked his cock slowly with his own. He’d do it a few times and then stop. Leaning in, whispering into Justin’s ear.

“You want me to fuck you don’t you? You want me to push into you hard, until I’m buried inside you, that’s what you like right?”

Justin tried to answer but could only nod.

“You want to be my little boy toy? You want me to fuck you so hard and so fast you can’t think, let you jerk yourself off while I’m pounding into you?”

”Please Brian, I need it, please.”

Brian loved to hear Justin’s husky pleadings, to hear his blatant desire. He loved how embarrassed Justin still got on occasion from his own need, his own actions.

“Are you my little boy slut?”

”Yes.”

“What should I do with a little slut like you?”

”Fuck me.”

“Like this?”

Brian pushed himself into Justin, and pulled completely back out quickly. “Do you want that again?”

”Yes, please.”

“Tell me.”

“I want you inside me, I want you to ride me.”

Brian pushed in again, slowly this time. Justin moaned and whimpered, trying to control the pace, but Brian was running this show.

“Ready?”

”Yes, god, Brian, fuck, Brian, fuck…”

Brian began in earnest, moving slowly at first, teasingly slowly, and then finally speeding up the pace while Justin lost all coherent thought.

Justin felt Brian finally stop playing and tried to think to speak, but he could only feel. “Fuck me, Brian fuck, god, fuck, Brian, god, fuck, harder, fuck.”  
There were very few words left in his vocabulary.

When he was about to come he reached his hand down to stroke himself, he tried to do it slowly, hoping Brian wouldn’t notice, was too far gone himself to care, but he heard the growl. “No.”  
He felt his hand swatted away, and the hand that was pinching at his nipples and stroking his back was now trapping his hand above his head again. “Come while I’m fucking you or don’t come at all. Gonna fuck the come right out of you.” Brian said, pounding harder, changing his angle so that he was hitting Justin's prostate on every stroke.

The high-pitched yelps of pleasure Justin was making drove Brian over the edge. He slammed into the boy hard and felt him shoot. Brian came at the same time, his body convulsing over Justin's. He released Justin's hand to stroke his belly. His strong fingers coming away wet with Justin's seed. He held it to Justin’s face, and felt his pink tongue lap at it. 

They stayed like that while their heart rates slowed and breathing returned to normal. Justin licking at Brian's fingers, taking them into his mouth and sucking them, Brian's body resting against Justin's. Justin still on his knees, his legs spread wide. Reluctantly Brian pulled out of him, taking off the condom and rolling onto his back.

Justin lay his body on top of Brian's. Pushing against his hard thighs with his own until Brian opened his legs a little and Justin fit himself between them, his head resting just below Brian's, a strong arm around his back, pulling him closer.

“That was amazing.”

“You’re fucking hot. Christ I can’t get enough of you.”

“I know.” Justin smiled against Brian’s chest.

“You’re pretty sure of yourself.”

“You’re addicted to me.”

Brian snorted. “Addicted?” 

Justin looked up at him, “Yeah, I read all about it.”

“Really?” Brian lay his head back ready to be regaled with one of Justin’s little monologues. The kid got positively profound, or at least thought he did.

Justin moved up Brian's body a little, brushing the brown hair away from his sweaty forehead. “Yeah, when you fall in love with someone your brain lets out chemicals that are like a drug.”

“So love is just an addiction?”

“Kind of. The effects last like 18 months. It’s a breeder thing.”

“Breeder thing?”

“Yeah, if you live in like caves or whatever, you knock some cave woman up, and feel all protective and possessive of her long enough so that everyone knows who the father is and she’s safe like, through the pregnancy, and while the baby keeps her unable to protect herself. Then it wears off and they both move on.”

“So love really is bullshit.”

“No, but it’s a chemical reaction and like a biological imperative, the thing is, once it wears off, sometimes there are other reasons to stay together.”

“Like for the children?”

Justin pushed at Brian's shoulder “No, because you LIKE each other, and then you know, you can love them intellectually, not chemically.”

“Hmmm.”

”It explains why you try to break up with me once a year or so.”

Brian looked up surprised now. “What the fuck does breeder love have to do with you and me?”

“Brian it’s not just breeders who are affected by the chemicals. And then they wear off, and since you decided a long time ago that there’s no such thing as love, once the addiction is over, you ignore the intellectual part and push me away.”

“But you go.”

“Yeah, apparently I’m not immune to the stupid chemical addiction either.”

“But we’re together now.”

“Because, once the drug wears off we jones for it, and then you know, something happens, and we’re back together, and the cycle continues.”

“So, we’re doomed to break up every year or so?”

“NO!”

“Ouch.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to hit you so hard. But I’m telling you this so you can stop being so stupid about it.”

“I’m stupid about it? You’re the one who always leaves.” Brian exhaled the smoke and handed the cigarette to Justin who took the opportunity to compose his thoughts a little further. 

“Yeah, you’re stupid about it. So was I, but I’m not gonna be stupid anymore.”

“Me either.”

“Promise?”

“Sure, but what you said means we SHOULD break up. kick the habit so that it feels so good when you come back to it.”

“Fine, we’ll take separate vacations every other year. Two weeks away from each other.”

Brian put out his cigarette and wrapped his arms around Justin. “We can skip that part, I think I’ve lost my ability to become immune to you.”

Justin settled against Brian's chest. “I hope so.”  
~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

Three hours later they finally left the room. “I can’t believe you bought tickets for a show.” 

“You said you wanted to see Wicked.”

“You said you didn’t.”

“Yeah, and we always do what I want.”

Justin stuck his tongue out at Brian. “ We’ve got a few hours before the show starts, where are we going?’

“Well, I was thinking about checking out the new spring line at Barney’s.”

Justin smiled widely. “Did you call Alphonse?”

Brian smirked, “Maybe.”

They spent the next several hours restocking their closets and picking out a few Christmas gifts for friends and family.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~

“I liked it.”

“It was alright.”

Justin smiled; Brian had liked the show too. And they had actually made it to the restaurant in time to honor their reservations, which, considering their activities in the theatre bathroom was quite a feat.

“You’re not eating.”

“Teaser show tomorrow.”

Brian closed his eyes. 

“Don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

“Brian, you KNOW I can’t eat this close to a show.”

“You’ve only put on half of the weight the doctor wanted you to.”

Justin sighed. “It’s been such a good day.”

“Yeah, why spoil it by making sure you’re healthy.”

Justin gritted his teeth, “I’m healthy. I’d tell you if I weren’t.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“So when does the cast come off?”

“Next week, by the time I come back here, I’ll be cast free.”

“That’s good, I miss your hand.”

“You’re changing the subject.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Fine, new topic. I called the contractors; they’re going to start the addition in March or April. They can’t start now, too much snow, too many delays.”

“And Lindsay’s not arguing?”

“She’ll argue more once I tell her, but you know… I don’t see the need to hear about it all winter long. She’s FINALLY stopped telling me to take the car back.”

“I can’t believe you bought her a car.”

“She needed one, and this one is safe.”

“Mmm hmmm, and what kind of car did you get?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Yes, I would.”

“You’ll see when you get home.”

“I promise I’m coming home. What kind of car did you get?”

“I’ll tell you, if you do something for me.”

“What’s that?”

“Fucking eat something.”

“Wow, you nag a lot.”

“Well, if I’m going to be accused of it anyway.”

“Fine, look, mmmmmm, pasta.”

“Astin Martin.”

Justin almost choked. “What?”

“I bought an Astin Martin, it’s blue, it has a back seat, and it’s hot. Trust me, plenty of space to fuck.”

“Brian, that’s, I mean, um…. wow.”

“It’s a hot car.”

“Well, it’s better than the ‘vette. And I liked the one you were looking at online.”

“Yeah, I know. But you’re not allowed to drive it. You’re too used to your big orange box.”

“I like my car.”

The waiter came and asked if they wanted dessert. Brian looked over at Justin and noticed that his eyes were barely open. “No we’ll just take the check.”

“Ready to head to bed sunshine?”

Justin smiled. “I’m tired.”

“I noticed.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What the fuck are you apologizing for?”

“ I know you wanted to fuck me.”

“Yeah well, you’ll owe me one.”

“Can I just deduct it from the 99 you owe me?”

“I owe you 99?”

“Yeah, from the nagging thing, with the accident.”

“Oh right, okay so now I owe you 98?”

“I’ll collect in the morning.”

They were walking towards the hotel. “All 98?”

“Yeah, so you better get some sleep too.”

They both laughed as Brian slung his arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer. 

“Good thing I’m still an addict.”

Justin was half asleep on the bed within minutes of entering the room.

“Where are your meds, I’ll get them for you.”

“In my suitcase.”

Brian grumbled about little blonde twinks who don’t unpack while he searched through the suitcase. 

Too late Justin realized what he’d just done. He sat up quickly.

Brian pushed aside socks and underwear. He found the zippered compartment and opened it to remove the bottles; he dropped them quickly when he saw what else was in there.

Justin was about to get up, stop Brian from searching, get the pills himself when he saw Brian recoil from the suitcase. “Fuck.” 

“It’s not what you think.”

Brian sat on the bed, the offending item wrapped around his hand. “Since I have no idea what to think why don’t you tell me what it is.”

“It’s just, you know, something I’ve kept, like a security blanket.”

Brian closed his eyes and tried to fathom how a bloody silk scarf could bring any sense of security. “Security blanket.” He looked at Justin.

“I’ve had it since…”

“Since you took it off of me.”

Justin nodded. 

“I looked for it the next day, it was gone.”

“I took it.”

“Why?”

“Because I knew you’d throw it out.”

“But you wanted to keep it? A warm reminder of a wonderful evening?”

Justin moved closer to Brian, no longer tired. He rested his head on Brian's shoulder, leaning against him. “All that time I was in the hospital, I kept expecting you to come see me.”

“But I didn’t.”

“I know, but I also knew what no one else seemed to understand. Hobbes hurt you too. Maybe as much as he hurt me.”

“I didn’t get hit with a bat.”

“No, but…”

“But…?”

“You came to the prom, something very unlike you. You were… open, maybe even ready to accept my love for you, and then Hobbes. It changed you, or kept you from changing. It affected you.”

“Doesn’t explain why you have this.” Brian held out the scarf, his face making his disgust for the object clear.

“When I found you again, you were so… broken.”

“I was fine.” Brian shrugged away from Justin, moving to the chair on the other side of the room.”

“You’re not allowed to use that word, and no you weren’t. But then, when my mom asked you to take me, you were so…strong.”

Brian was leaning back, drinking something from the mini-bar and smoking. He was staring at the ceiling, refusing to meet Justin's eyes.

“You were strong for me, but I knew you were still so broken. I didn’t think you’d ever be able to love me, or let me love you after that. And then…” Justin took a deep breath, knowing Brian was confused, and probably a little angry at being called broken.

“And then Gus’s birthday party. It all came flooding back. Your face at the dance. The way you held me. The way you kissed me. How amazing you looked. The panic in your face right before the bat hit.”

He saw Brian flinch. “And then I saw the scarf. You never stopped loving me. It’s how I knew we’d make it.”

“It wasn’t because I loved you.”

Justin stared at Brian, confused and a little hurt.

“I didn’t want to forget and let it happen again, let something I care about get destroyed. I wore it to remind myself what happens when you let yourself care.”

“Bullshit.”

Brian looked at Justin. “You don’t believe me?”

“No.”

He shrugged. “It was superstition. I didn’t let go of the scarf the whole time you were in the ICU when we didn’t know if you’d live or die. Then they said you were out of the woods. That you’d either wake up from the coma, or not, but that you wouldn’t die tonight. They made me go home.”

“They?”

“Michael, your mother, Debbie, Lindsay, everyone, told me to get some rest, sleep.” Brian made a sound, half scoff half laugh. “Sleep. Like that was gonna happen. So I got back to the loft, and I laid down, and I tried but I couldn’t let go of that fucking thing.” He gestured toward the pooling silk on the bed. 

“I couldn’t let it go, if I did, something would happen. So I wore it, every day, to make sure nothing did.”

“The same reason you came every night.”

“I guess so. But it wasn’t love, it was guilt.”

“This wasn’t your fault.”

Brian nodded. 

“You know, I’ve seen you nod at that statement a couple of hundred times over the years. Have you ever believed it?”

“Sure, not my fault, I can’t control what Chris Hobbes did.”

“And it wasn’t because we danced together. He hated me because I jerked him off. I personified everything he was afraid he’d become.”

Brian nodded again.

“And it had nothing to do with you.”

Brian nodded.

“Say that it wasn’t your fault.”

“I just did.”

“No, you nodded, accepting that I have a right to my own opinion. Tell me what you think happened.”

“I felt old and sorry for myself because New York didn’t want me, so I turned to the one thing I knew wanted me more than anything else in the world. I didn’t give a flying fuck what was good for you, what the consequences might be. I wanted you, went to you, and you got hit in the head with a bat.”

“You really think the whole world revolves around you.”

Brian stared at the ceiling.

“Brian, you can’t make this your fault. You came to me because I asked you to, and you wanted to make me happy. It made you happy too, and you didn’t want to admit that part. You still don’t sometimes. You say it was selfish. It’s all I wanted. It’s still all I want, for you to come to me at the end of the day. And you can tell me anything you want but this scarf is tangible proof that you didn’t forget about me while I was in the hospital. That while every trick in the backrooms of Babylon and at the baths got to suck you, get fucked by you, they never got to see you, or be loved by you. That was just for me.”

“That’s a very verbal scarf.”

“It has to be, it’s got a very taciturn owner.”

“It’s not mine anymore, I don’t want it.”

“I’ll get rid of it if you don’t want it here. But I like to have it when you’re not around, it reminds me of something important.”

“How is it we’ve lived together and I’ve never seen it?”

“I have lots of secret hiding places.”

“You can keep the scarf, but I don’t want to see it.”

“I don’t really need it anymore. I know that you love me now.”

“Then why is it here?”

“So I wouldn’t forget. We do that. We forget.”

“Keep the scarf, I don’t want you to forget. But promise me that’s what this is about. It’s not some sick obsession with Hobbes or the bashing?”

“It’s not. I’ve talked to Dr. Blackstone about that stuff, he says I’m very well adjusted considering.”

“Yeah well, you’re not running around with loaded guns anymore.”

“That was a part of the healing process.”

Brian sighed. “I’ll never understand you.”

“It’s enough that you try.”

Brian moved towards the bed, pulling Justin into an embrace.

“And Brian, promise me something?’

“What?”

“if I’m ever in the hospital again, you’ll come and see me during visiting hours?”

Brian pulled Justin a little tighter. “Don’t end up in the hospital again.”

“But if I do?”

“Visiting hours, I promise.”

“I’m not all that tired anymore.”

“Really?”

Justin was removing Brian's shirt. They moved together slowly, almost languidly, neither in any hurry to reach the destination tonight was about the journey.

When Brian rolled over Justin quickly tossed the scarf off of the bed. He’d have to remember to get up early to pack it away again. He didn’t want to get rid of it, but he understood why Brian might not have the same feelings about the silk accessory.


	18. Chapter 37

****

* * *

****

****

 

**Chapter 37**

 

   


He wanted to tell him to stop pacing. He wanted to tell him to stop biting his thumbnail and staring off into space.  He wanted to tell him to eat something.  He said nothing.  It was the day of a show.  All bets were off the day of a show, there was no point in even trying.  

   


Justin sat down, bouncing his knee and flipping through channels, biting his nails.  Five minutes later he was up and pacing again.

   


“Jesus Christ.  You know it’s gonna be fine, what’s with the fidgeting?”

   


Justin looked up surprised, as if he’d forgotten Brian was in the room.  “What?”

   


“C’mere.”

   


Justin walked towards him. “What?”

   


Brian was sitting in the chair by the mini-bar.  He pulled Justin down onto his lap.  “Calm the fuck down.” He whispered into his ear, licking at the spot behind it.

   


“Brian stop, I can’t calm down.  You know that.”

   


He sighed, he did know that. He shook his head, pulling Justin a little tighter.  “You’re driving me, and yourself insane.  Most importantly you’re seriously driving me insane.”

   


“Go out.  Go shopping, go home, whatever.”

   


“I’m not leaving.”

   


“Then shut up, I’m allowed to be nervous.”

   


“We’ve done this before, it’s not so hard, it’s not THE show…  you’ll be fine.”

   


“I know, it’s just…”

   


“What?  What do you think’s gonna happen?”

   


Justin leaned back against Brian.  “I have no idea.  It just won’t be good.”

   


“And what if it is?”

   


“Justin smiled.  Even if it’s good it’ll be bad, cause then they’re gonna ask me to do another show, and I’ll have to create a bunch more paintings and…”

   


“So if it’s bad, it’s bad, and if it’s good, that’s bad too?”

   


“Yeah.”

   


“Christ you’re insane.”

   


“I thought you liked that about me.”

   


“I do, but you get so bratty when you’re anxious.”

   


“I’m not being a brat.”

   


“Yeah you are, but it’s okay.  Let’s go out.  Kill some time.”

   


Justin wrinkled his nose.  “Can’t I just stay here and pace some more?”

   


“Is that really what you want to do?”

   


“No I want to go home.”

   


“Well, you’re still here, at least for another week.”

   


“At least???  I’m leaving the minute the show’s over.”

   


Brian laughed, “You don’t even want to come back to the hotel and get your stuff?”

   


“NO!”

   


“Okay, fine, we’ll leave the moment the show’s over next Saturday.”

   


“Promise?”  
  


“Promise.”

   


Justin closed his eyes, relaxing against Brian, cracking his knuckles.  Brian ground his teeth against the sound but Justin was almost still except for the obsessive knuckle cracking.  He’d take it.  He took Justin’s hand and massaged it to stop the sound, and calm him more.  The two sat in silence just enjoying being close to one another.

   


Brian’s hand idly roamed under Justin's shirt, stroking his stomach.  Justin leaned his head back trying to lose himself in the feel of Brian.  He knew he was trying to help him.  It wasn’t working.  Five minutes later he bounded off of his lap.  

   


“I’m going out.  I’ll be back in an hour.”

   


“Want Company?”

   


“Not really…I just need to clear my head.”

   


Brian shrugged.  “See you soon.”

   


He was opening his laptop when Justin looked back before closing the door behind him.  Justin walked the streets quickly.  It was cold.  His hands were shoved deep into his jacket pockets, but his face was left bright red from the wind.  He could see his breath in front of him.  He wasn’t really sure where he was going; he just needed to be out.

   


Twenty minutes later he was standing in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  He paid and entered.  It was quiet.  No school trips on Saturdays, no little kids running around.  Just true art fans and tourists.  

   


He walked reverently past some of the most famous pieces in the world.  Each one made him feels worse.  He was a fake, a failure.  Why did he bother to paint, to try to create when there were people who could do this?  He sat in front of one of his favorite pieces and stared turning his head, his hand sketching it invisibly against his jeans.  This was art.  The crap hanging in Ranston’s gallery was hotel paintings made for people to hang over their sofa.    He stood up and moved on; angry with himself for thinking he could become an artist.  He should have gone to Dartmouth.  Failing at business just means you made a mistake.  Failing at being an artist means you’re a no talent hack.  That’s what he’d have to accept.  He had no talent.

   


He walked further into the exhibits.  There was a new one, [Vincent Van Gogh, ](http://www.metmuseum.org/special/Van_Gogh/images.asp)the drawings.  

   


He stood, rapt.  He’d seen them in books before but here they were.  He stepped closer, examining each one in detail…some of them were amazing but more importantly.   Some of them sucked.

   


They were stiff and the scale was off.  Sure the man had been insane, and also a great artist, but look, he was also sometimes a bit of a hack.  This shouldn’t make him feel better.  He knew that.  But it did.  The lines were crooked.  The colors didn’t always work.  Not everything the man did was phenomenal, or even good.  Justin exhaled, his hand reached out to touch a particularly flawed example, and he pulled it back before alarms went off.  He smiled.  

   


He spent another hour in the exhibit and would have spent longer but his phone was buzzing. 

   


“What?”

   


“Where the fuck are you?”

   


“At the Met.”

   


“You went to the opera?”

   


“The museum dork.”

   


“Oh, what are you doing there.”

   


“Seeing what real art looks like.”

   


Brian closed his eyes.  He’d seen Justin do this before too.  Drive himself nuts over the accomplishments and talent of artists.  Convince himself he’d never make it.  “You are a real artist.”

   


“I know…did you know Van Gogh sucked sometimes?”  
  


“I’m sure he did.”

   


“I mean phenomenally.  Christ Brian some of this shit isn’t worth the paper he scribbled it on.”

   


“And yet there it is, at the Met.”

   


“There’s hope for me yet.”

   


“That’s what I’ve always said.”

   


“No it isn’t.”

   


“Yeah well I meant to.”  
  


“Shut up.”

   


“Are you heading back?”

   


“Yeah I’m on my way now.”

   


“Should I order something for dinner?”  
  


“Don’t start.”

   


“Right, show day, wouldn’t want to have strength for that.”

   


“I have strength for lots of things.”

   


“Oh really?”

   


“Yeah.”

   


“Like what?”

   


“I’ll tell you when I get back, not when I’m standing in a very reverberating lobby of a museum.”

   


Brian snorted.  “When did you get shy?”

   


“I’m not shy, I just have some respect for my surroundings.”

   


“Whatever, I’ll see you soon.”

   


“K”

   


Brian hung up and logged on to the Met’s site to see if he could find the exhibit Justin had been looking at.  He had to admit to himself he was relieved.  Justin had found a way to pull himself out of his bad mood and anxiety.  He pushed down the ridiculous thought that Justin didn’t need him anymore and concentrated on the fact that the kid was right, some of those drawings were for shit.

   


He couldn’t really concentrate on anything once Justin returned to the room.  His arms were too full of horny blonde.

   


Hours later they showered dressed and headed off for the show.  Justin was still jumpy and nervous, but far less so than he’d been that afternoon.  Brian thought he might actually be able to get him to eat something after the show.

   


Brian was wrong.  After the show the best he could do was get Justin to drink something.  And that wasn’t what he was aiming for but Justin was in rare form.  Angry.  Apparently one of the very wealthy patrons had requested a version of a piece redone in a different color scheme to blend better with her office décor.  Ranston only barely managed to steer Justin away from the woman before he said something brutally honest and painfully expensive to her. Justin hadn’t stopped seething all night.  White wine wasn’t getting him where he needed to go.  He searched Brian’s pockets for a joint and disappeared for fifteen minutes.  When he returned he was more mellow…but it didn’t last long.  

   


Finally they left.  Justin was walking and ranting, his hands flying over his head as he continued his diatribe.  He didn’t even head to the elevator but straight to the bar when the got to the hotel.  An hour later he was very very drunk, and loud, and still angry.  

   


“Fucking Bitch!”

   


Other bar patrons turned their head.  Brian just smirked; he wasn’t going to stop Justin when he was on a roll.  His anger seemed healthy.  His pain management reasonable and hell, it’s not like making a scene in a bar was new territory for either of them.

   


“She had no right to ask that.”  He commiserated once again.

   


“Goddamned motherfucking right she didn’t.  I fucking open my veins to create something brilliant and she wants it in something more sooooooooothing.”  He drew out the last word.    “Fuck soothing. Fuck her, fuck everyone.”  Justin slammed back another shot. 

   


“Why don’t we head upstairs?”

   


“Fuck you.”

   


Brian shrugged and gestured to the bartender to refill Justin's glass.  “Sooooooooothing.”  Justin said again snorting.  “Why the fuck would a painting called pain management #12 be done in sooooooooothing colors?  What the fuck are sooooothing colors anyway?  Who the fuck cares if that bitch is sooooooothed by my work.  Soooooooth is a funny word.  If you say it long enough it doesn’t mean anything anymore.  Soothe soothe soothe soothe soothe.  See, meaningless.”

   


“Mmmmmm hmmm.”

   


“You know what would be soothing?’

   


“What?”  
  


“If you fucked me.”

   


“I can do that…you want to do it here, or should I take you upstairs first?”

   


Justin looked around the bar, seemingly considering his options.  “I think we should go upstairs first.”  He glanced over at the bartender who was looking at them both appreciatively.  “Wanna come?” he wiggled his eyebrows drunkenly at the guy.  His eyes shot up and he glanced over at Brian who was obviously the more sober of the two.  Brian just shook his head.  Justin was too drunk, he wasn’t even sure the kid was gonna make it upstairs; bringing someone else into the mix tonight was a bad idea.  “Maybe tomorrow.” he said as he signed the check and helped Justin down from the bar stool, taking most of his weight.  He was staggering a little as Brian helped him to the elevator.  The whole time they walked through the lobby he kept mumbling the word “soothing.”

   


He was leaning against Brian's chest, mumbling it into the space between his pecks as his fingers fumbled drunkenly with the buttons on Brian's shirt.  “Sooooooooothing.”  Brian leaned against the wall, his arms wrapped lightly around Justin, as much to offer comfort and support as to be ready to catch him if he passed out and fell.  

   


“Fucking bitch wants to be soooothed. I’ll show her soothing.”  Justin mumbled as his mouth followed his fingers and traced along the lines of Brian's pecks.  Moving up a little and flicking at his nipples.  Then biting hard.

   


“Hey!”

   


“What?  Wasn’t that soothing?”

   


Brian smirked and ran a hand through Justin's hair.  He was sweaty.  “Wow you’re really worked up.”

   


“I’ve been trying to do the same to you.”

   


Justin leaned his entire body into Brian's.  His sticky heat radiating off of him.  “Christ sunshine, I think you’re sick.”

   


“What?  I’m not sick, I’m just not soooothing.”

   


“Mmmmmm hmmmm.”  Brian kissed Justin's forehead and then realized that he just didn’t have the mommy gene, he had no way of knowing if that was, lots of alcohol and anger, or an infection.  “You take anything tonight other than my joint?”

   


Justin shook his head.  “Stop worrying and start soothing me.”  He pulled Brian's hand away from his face and moved it lower on his body.  

   


They kissed, their hands roaming, until the subtle bing of the elevator announced their arrival at the top floor.

   


Brian was leaning against the door when Justin looked up at him.  “Brian?”

   


His voice was suddenly not angry, or sultry.  It was plaintive.  And the red flush that his skin had taken on was now a sickly pallor.  Brian opened the door quickly and steered him to the bathroom just in time.

   


The most soothing thing either of them experienced that night was cool washcloths, the feel off tile against a flushed face, and the promise that next time Brian would stop him on his ninth shot.

   


By morning they were both exhausted, and sore.  A night on a tiled bathroom floor is rarely relaxing.  

   


Brian filled the tub and roused Justin enough that he’d be able to keep his head up and now drown.  They sat quietly.  “I shouldn’t drink on an empty stomach.”

   


Brian nodded.

   


“I shouldn’t drink shots of whiskey straight.”

   


Brian nodded again.

   


“That woman was right, soothing colors are important.”

   


Brian shook his head.  “You had a right to be mad, and fuck, I’m not the one to tell you how to deal with anger, but yeah, last night was not one of your more stellar victories over emotion.”

   


“She wanted me to change my work to match her house.” Justin was getting mad again.

   


“Forget about her.”

   


“She better not be at brunch today.”

   


“Any idea who else will be there?”

   


“No, just some backers for some stuff ‘influential art people” Justin rolled his eyes.  “Deliver me from the pretentious small talk.”

   


Brian laughed and they both went back to silence, each gathering their reserves for the brunch.  Then they’d come back here and sleep and then… well Brian had to get back to KinnetiK tomorrow for a client meeting, and Justin had some major work to do for the show.  But they were both attempting to think about anything else at the moment.

   


Showered and dressed Brian hailed a cab.  Justin leaned against him once he’d given the driver the address.  “Sorry about last night.”

   


“You’re not supposed to apologize.”

   


“Yeah but I was a mess.”

   


Brian shrugged, “you were pissed off, you got drunk.  Did you learn your lesson?”  

   


Justin grimaced.  “Yeah, whiskey is NOT my drink, you’d think I’d know that by now, I’m much better with tequila or gin.”

   


“I’ll remind you of that.”

   


“I won’t listen.”

   


“I know you won’t”

   


When they finally reached their destination Justin plastered on his fake smile, and Brian affected a look of blank boredom and they were greeted by a short balding man with apparently more money than taste when it came to both wardrobe and home décor.  

   


The brownstone was restored beautifully, but each curio, knick-knack and painting was… well…ugly.  Justin tried to look interested as Daniel; their host gave him a tour of his most prized art pieces.  He tried to look flattered that one of them was his.  He wasn’t, it made him want to run screaming from the room.  

   


Brian caught the look in Justin's eye and brought him a mimosa. 

   


Brian’s interruption saved Justin from having to make yet another noncommittal comment on some ghastly thing the man was about to show him.  His eyes showed his gratitude.

   


They moved on to the over decorated over stuffed living room done in a series of reds and browns that was making Justin's stomach roil.  Introductions were made all around and the deep and important chitchat began.

   


Neither Brian nor Justin were paying much attention to anything being said.  Mostly responding minimally when required and simply willing the hours to pass until they could leave.

   


Brian wasn’t looking forward to leaving Justin, who had barely eaten in two days, and had seemed less than well the previous night.  Justin simply wanted more alone time with Brian before he went back to Pittsburgh for the week.  It didn’t matter; this was part of the contractual obligation.  This would put his name on the right lips.  Put his work on the right walls.  And that would get him to his ultimate goal.  To become a hermit who never had to deal with people again.  Right now he just wanted to lock himself in his studio and unlock it for Brian when he felt like it.

   


Brian leaned over and whispered in his ear. “You know, even after this show, you’re still going to have to come out of the studio and deal with people.”

   


Justin looked at him surprised.  “How did you?  I mean…”

   


Brian smirked. “I’ll tell you later, but I always know when you just want to barricade yourself in there…you have a tell.”

   


“I do?”  
  


“Mmmmmm hmmm.”

   


“What is it?”

   


“If I tell you, you’ll know.”

   


Justin sighed, “Can we leave yet?”

   


Brian was about to answer when someone entered and announced that brunch was served.  They all filed into the dining room.  Place cards had been set, and thus Brian and Justin were at opposite ends of the table on opposite sides.  Conversation was impossible.  Brian found himself sitting next to a woman with a small dog in her purse who could not seem to stop talking.  She had a complaint about everything and he simply grimaced at the sound of her voice, which she took as agreement about the state of affairs of the customer service situation in the retail industry and forged on to other topics.

   


Justin was seated between Daniel, their host, who was apparently also a Broadway producer or financier or something and Franco his business partner.   When they found out that he was the Justin Taylor who illustrated rage Franco almost squealed with delight.  Apparently the two had been discussing the possibility of buying the rights from the studio and turning it into a Broadway musical.  

   


Justin was bored.

   


“It could be one of the best plays we’ve ever done” Franco gushed.

   


“It has such potential, the love story between JT and Rage is so Poignant and Hot, and the plotlines so topical.  I’ve talked to several high profile songwriters who would love to be attached to the project.”

   


Justin was having L.A. flashbacks.  Attaching people to a project, getting it off the ground, giving up what you wanted for what THEY wanted.  Giving up what you wanted for something else you wanted.  He tuned out of the conversation and then realized that they were waiting for a response from him.

   


“I’m sorry…what?”

   


“We said we’d love for you to be the art director, who but you could design the sets, you’d have full creative control of course.”

   


Justin didn’t even have to think about it.  “Thanks, but I’m really not interested.  I’m focusing on my art at the moment.”

   


“But sweetie, this would be a wonderful resume builder and you’d get to live in New York and work on Broadway.  It’s every gay mans dream.”

   


Justin smiled and shrugged.  “I guess it’s just not the right time.  Hey, if you get the rights, I’ll be happy to come see the show, you know, if it doesn’t suck, give it my own personal endorsement but my time is already spoken for at the moment.  And I’m not looking to move.”

   


Brian caught the last parts of the conversation and filed it away to talk about later but then the man on his other side rescued him from the cat woman, only to drag him into a diatribe about why Cuban cigars should be legal.  

   


It felt like days but was only about two more hours before they could politely take their leave.  Justin was asleep against Brian's shoulder almost before he closed the cab door.  He didn’t wake until they were back at the hotel.

   


“You okay?’

   


“F…yeah, I’m okay.”

   


“Didn’t get much sleep last night.”

   


“Neither did you.”

   


“Brian stretched stripping down to underwear.  He rolled a joint and lay on his back on the bed.  Justin joined him a moment later.  “That was a pretty good offer they were making.”

   


“Which one?”

   


“Art director of rage the musical.”

   


“I’m working on my art, I don’t want to be a Broadway musical art director.”

   


“It’s a great opportunity.”

   


“So is the life I have now.”

   


“You sure?”

   


“Are we actually going to have a ‘you should leave to fulfill your dreams and aspirations’ argument?”

   


Brian shrugged.  “Those are pointless, you’re like a fucking boomerang”

   


“Yeah, plus I figured out what my dreams and aspirations are.”

   


Brian raised his eyebrows interested.

   


“I want to go to Paris in the spring, and Rome, I want to do Europe right, see the masters. I’d love for you to come, but if you can’t take three months off I’ll understand, but then I’m going to come back, to OUR house, and MY Brian, and MY life, and MY art, and live OUR life happily.”

   


“That’s what you want?”

   


“Yeah, I want to be an artist.  Always have.  Might do some more commercial stuff for money, but I can do that out of Pittsburgh just as easily as anywhere else.”

   


Justin took another hit then handed the joint back to Brian and curled around his body, leaning his head against the man’s shoulder.  “Want to be with you.  Want to wake up drooling on your shoulder.  Want to have horrible fights with you and know you’re not going anywhere, and that I’m not going anywhere, and that we’re together, because we choose to be even though sometimes it’s hard.”

   


Brian leaned his head back.  “Me too…except for the fights.  Lets skip those.”

   


Justin laughed.  “Fine then just always agree with me.”

   


“You’re not allowed to use that word.  And I can’t always agree with you.  You’re so often wrong.”

   


“Am not.”

   


“Are too.”

   


“Am not.”

   


“Are too.”

   


“Brian, I’m not always wrong.”

   


“I didn’t say always, I said often.”

   


“I’m not even often wrong.”

   


“You’re wrong more than I am.”

   


“Pfft, hardly.”

   


“This is stupid.”

   


“These are the kind of fights I’m talking about.”

   


“That counted as a fight?”

   


“Sure.”

   


“Is it over?’

   


Justin shrugged.  “Sure.”

   


“Then lets have make up sex.”

   


Justin flipped over, his body on top of Brian's “sure.”


	19. Chapter 38

  
Author's notes: This is probably the second to the last chapter. We're getting there. Thank you everyone who has followed this story for so long.  


* * *

* * *

**Chapter 38  
**

* * *

“I want to go to the airport with you.”

“No.”

“Brian…”

“No, you’re gonna sit around and mope for the rest of the day anyway, you’re not going to do it in a cab heading back from the airport alone.”

Justin stopped. He realized the logic there. It might be easier to say goodbye here. He just wanted as much time with Brian as he could get at the moment.

Brian hoped his argument had worked. Saying goodbye was one of his least favorite things to do, he wasn’t sure he could take the cab ride. And then the entire flight knowing that Justin was sitting in the back of a cab trying not to cry. He watched Justin nod and wrapped his arms around his waist. 

“I’ll be back on Friday, less than a week, and then we’re going home together. “This is our last goodbye.”

Justin leaned his head against Brian's chest. “Promise?”

“Well, until you go to Europe in the spring, but I’ll probably be able to get two months away, so yeah, for a while, this is our last goodbye.”

“This sucks.”

“Don’t be famous.”

“Shut up, I can’t help it if I’m unbearably talented.”

“No, you can’t, and yes you are. Now I’ve got to go…I’ll call you from the house.”

“Call me from the airport. And then from the Pittsburgh Airport. And then from the house. And then from the office.”

Brian laughed. “Justin, you’ll be fine.”

“Will you be?”

“I’ll be fine too.”

“Does this mean we can use that word again?”

“No, I can use it in regards to you, but you’re still not cleared for assessing your own level of fine.”

“You’re on a weird power trip with this.”

“And you love me for it.”

Justin stood on his toes his hands pulling Brian’s head down and their lips meeting. “I love you.”

“I know.”

Brian left and Justin closed the door behind him. He lay back on the bed, wearing just a pair of sweats. He had no plan on leaving the room again 'til tomorrow.

He tried not to cry but it wasn’t working. He cried and at some point dozed off. He woke up not feeling much better. Brian hadn’t called but it had been less than an hour, he probably wasn’t even at La Guardia yet. Justin opened the mini-fridge.

There were post-it notes all over the thing. The Whisky bottles were marked clearly “NOT FOR TWINK CONSUMPTION!”

Justin reached for a gin when he noticed the note by them, “Not for use when taking medications.”

Smiling Justin thought maybe a bottle of water and an obscenely expensive Tobelerone might be what he needed. There was a note on the candy, “Not 'til you’ve eaten real food.”

He was finding the notes less amusing now, there was a knock on the door. 

Brian had ordered room service; apparently he’d left the order at the front desk before leaving. There was fruit and bagels, a chicken salad sandwich, soda and juice.

Justin signed the tab, tipped the guy and put the sandwich in the mini-fridge, he had no desire to eat much, but if it meant he could have a gin or two, or even a tequila, he’d have a fucking bagel, maybe even some fruit.

He was chewing when his cell rang. “You at the airport?”

“All checked in, waiting for boarding…it’s gonna be a vicious flight, I count three babies already.”

“What did you take?’

“Nothing major, I’ll be fine to drive by the time the plane lands… if the plane lands.”

“Don’t talk like that.”

“I’m just…”

“Bugging me. Thanks for the food by the way.”

“Figured you should eat something.”

“You always think I should eat something.”

“Well, between my always and your never we seem to keep you from starving to death.”

“The notes on the bottles were not necessary.”

“I thought you might need a little reminder.”

“And I don’t need a note on my Tobelerone.”

“You do if you saw it. You were gonna eat candy and drink gin for dinner.” Brian tsk’d “That’s not taking care of yourself sunshine.”

“You don’t know everything.”

“When are you going to accept that I do?”

“When you stop being wrong all the time.”

“You really know how to make a guy miss you.”

…………….

“Don’t stick your tongue out at me.”

“How do you know… never mind. Anyway, I’m eating…. Mmmmmm fruit and bagels and soda. Yum.”

“I sent up a sandwich.”

“I’ll have that later. I’m gonna spend some quality time with the TV tonight I think.”

“You need it, you and the TV need to bond.”

“Shut up, I’ve been running around all week, I just want to relax. Tomorrow is going to be hell.”

“What’s particularly hellish about tomorrow?”

“Last I heard, Ranston’s not dead, so I’m going to be dealing with him all day.”

“They’re calling my flight. I’ll call you in an hour when I’m in Pittsburgh”

“Okay. Fly carefully.”

“Funny.”

Justin hung up, taking a third tequila bottle out of the mini-bar and downing it quickly. He then kept his promise and sat in front of the television catching up on all the crap he hadn’t been missing, and glad that he had better things to do with his evenings that watch TV on a regular basis.

Brian did call from Pittsburgh airport, and they talked through most of his drive back to the house. When he got home they said their goodbyes. Justin took his meds, with water, and Brian sat in the den, drinking vodka, eating chocolate and hoping that Justin’s recovery was as far along as it currently seemed to be.

Brian gritted his teeth through the meeting the next morning. The clients had requests that might seem reasonable to them, but as they didn’t know jack shit about advertising, time lines, budgets or…well apparently anything they were wrong. He held his tongue and smiled, using the patented Kinney charm to get through the meeting and make the necessary arrangements.

Justin was more frustrated than Brian. The small details of an art show were something he really didn’t want to bother with. It wasn’t as if Ranston was asking his opinion on catering menus or traffic flow, it was just the little tiny details of where to hang what, how high to hang them. How should a set be shown? Should the heights be staggered or uniform? Justin’s head was pounding and it was only noon.

Tuesday was easier. Most of the major and minor decisions made, it was spent simply choosing a few auxiliary pieces as contingency plans (in case someone needed something taken off the wall immediately.) This almost never happened, but Ranston liked to be prepared. 

Wednesday was spent looking at the pieces that probably weren’t going to be in the show, and discussing when Justin might be able to make it back to New York for a weekend so that these works might be shown in a group display. Justin avoided the question. He knew he’d have to come back to New York, but he just wasn’t up to thinking about it yet.

Brian got through the days on autopilot. He had dinner with Lindsay on Tuesday and on Wednesday night ate at the diner before heading home. Killing time without Justin around wasn’t all that different than when the artist was obsessing in the studio. 

They were both doing fine, they were both counting the days until Friday, when Brian would be back in New York.

Wednesday night hit Justin hard. There wasn’t a particular reason, and it didn’t result in a full-fledged anxiety attack. He simply felt uneasy from the moment he opened the door to the suite. 

He knew it was insane but he checked all the closets, behind the shower curtain, even under the bed. He tried to laugh at himself but the feeling wouldn’t go away.

“Hey there.”

“Hi.”

“You done for the day?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not allowed to use that word, and you’re shaking.”

“No I’m not.”

“Stop lying.”

“It’s nothing, I just feel…”

“What?”

“I don’t know, nervous. Something’s wrong.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t fucking know, if I knew, I’d do something about it.”

“What do you think is wrong?”

“Someone’s hiding in the room waiting to kill me?”

Brian laughed. “No they aren’t.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do.”

“Why am I so fucked up?”

“Because you’ve been hanging around me too long.”

“Maybe I should stop doing that.”

“Maybe not.”

“Yeah, maybe not.”

“How was your day?”

“Boring.”

“Did you have dinner with Lindz?”

“Ate at the diner.”

“How’s Deb?”

“Excited about the trip to New York.”

“Maybe it’s a bad idea to have everyone at the show.”

“You think they’re going to embarrass you?”

“No, I KNOW they’re going to embarrass me, that’s not the point. What if the show tanks? What if no one comes? What if nothing sells? It’ll be humiliating. Can’t we just tell everyone to stay home?”

“No.”

“Brian?”

“Mmmmmm?”

“Are you really sure it’s going to be okay, I mean, how do you really know?”

“Because even if it isn’t okay, it’ll be okay. Your work is amazing. If the people who come to the show can’t see that, it’s their loss. And either way, you’re coming home with me, so who cares what they buy.”

Justin tried to smile. “I care.”

“I know you do. And just about everything you’ve shown has sold, why do you think this is gonna be any different?”

“Because my stuff looks good compared to the other crap Ranston hangs in the gallery. On it’s own…it looks…”

“Perfect.”

“Pfft, hardly”

‘Well, except for that stupid painting of my knee.”

“Yeah, no one wants that one, what if everything else I have is just a bad as the painting of your knee?”

“It isn’t.”

“You don’t know everything.”

“Pretend I do, it makes us both happy.”

“Brian.”

“Mmmmmm?”

“Feel like driving to New York for the night?”

“You’re doing fine without me. You keep up this whining though and I’m gonna have to punish you when I do get to New York.”

“Promise?”

“How ‘bout I promise to punish you if you STOP whining.”

“That might get me to stop.”

“Something has to, you’re getting worse than Michael.”

“That’s just mean.”

“It’s also true. You have talent and you know it, now breathe and relax, no one is coming to kill you.”

“Okay.”

“You eat today?”

“Grrr.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Yeah, I had soup.”

“Why don’t you go out, burn off the excess energy, maybe it’ll calm you down.”

“I don’t want to, I’m too tired to dance, and if I drink one more gin and tonic I’m gonna crash.”

“One more, how many have you had?”

“Three.”

“With your meds.”

“It’s 11:30, I took my meds.”

“With gin.”

“And tonic.”

“You need to sleep.”

“Can’t sleep.”

“I’ll stay here with you till you do.”

“Why can’t you really be here?”

“Because then KinnetiK would fold and we’d be broke and you like the house, I’d hate to lose it.”

“You know we’re going to have to talk about splitting the finances more equitably, it’s insane that I make money on my art and you don’t let me pay for stuff.”

“It’s insane that you want to.”

“I just feel…”

“What?”

“Kept.”

“Good, cause I’m keeping you.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“You want to pay some of the bills, go ahead, I’m not stopping you.”

“They’re mailed to your office and Ted writes the checks.”

“Yes, but I’m not stopping you, I’m just making it inconvenient.”

“Like anything in our lives is convenient.”

“I don’t know, lately, things have been pretty…”

“STOP!”

“What? Christ, what’s with the yelling?”

“You’ll jinx us. Don’t say another word.”

“Okay, I won’t say a thing if you’ll do something for me.”

Justin sighed, “What?”

“I want to hear you come. Come for me Justin.”

And he did, stroking himself, picturing Brian's hand’s Brian's mouth, Brian's cock touching him in all the right places. He came, loud. And when Brian heard his breath become even against the phone he waited another minute and then hung up. He knew Justin would be okay for the night. And tomorrow, he’d think of a new way to take the kids mind off of the upcoming event.

Thursday flew by in a blur for the both of them. Too much to do before Brian got there. Too many last minute decisions.

Brian had some planning and arranging of his own to do before he left. His plane was scheduled to depart at seven PM on Friday, he couldn’t concentrate on work he was too nervous for Justin. Eventually, after reaming out most of the staff, Cynthia sent him home where he drank and packed.

By ten thirty on Friday night Brian was inside the suite in New York. By Ten Thirty one they were both naked.

“I’ve missed you”

“It’s been five days.”

“That’s too many”

“You’re whining again.”

“Am I?”

Brian ran his hand down Justin's recently revealed thighs, “you are” 

”I’m sorry”

Brian sighed.

“Sorry, I’m not allowed to, shit, I did it again. Christ. Some words just can’t be removed from my vocabulary.”

“Just. Stop. Talking.” Brian said as he slid his body over Justin’s until their eyes met. “Don’t say another word.”

“I won’t, I just wanted to tell you that I missed you and…mmmmmm that feels really good. Ranston was such an asshole today, fluttering around worried about having the gallery closed tonight. I swear sometimes all I want to do is bury him behind the lake with Hunter.”

Brian sighed and lifted himself off of Justin. He lay on his back and fished a joint out of the duffle bag beside the bed.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“Letting you finish. We’re obviously not going to get anywhere until you get everything you have to say out.”

Justin pouted a little. “No, I’m done now, I swear, I just…” he took a drag from the joint and held it, not finishing his sentence.

Brian took another deep inhale and was about to put it out when Justin exhaled and started talking again 

“…Wanted to remind you that I’ve been working hard and I need to relax and that I’ve been thinking about you. I guess what I wanted was…”

Brian leaned in to kiss Justin, transferring the smoke from his own lungs to the blondes. Then he did it again. Justin was starting to felt he effects. He began kissing down Brian's chest. Nuzzling and nibbling, and chattering away at the same time.

Brian let it go for a while but almost five minutes later Justin had barely stopped for a breath, and was still going on about nothing in particular.

Brian sat up. “C’mere.”

“What?”

“You said you wanted to be punished.”

“Brian.”

“And that’s whining.”

“I’m not whining I’m just.”

“You’re just shutting up.”

He pulled Justin over his lap and smiled. He was breathing hard but he’d stopped talking. “You know, normally, I don’t mind when you yammer, but your head is spinning.”

Justin nodded “I know, I can’t stop thinking, every time I try to focus on something I think of another…Ouch.”

“You need to stop thinking.” Brian swatted Justin's perfect pale ass cheeks again. “Now, are you going to cooperate and be a good boy?”

Justin remained silent this time, raising himself up on his knees, spreading them apart. Brian ran his hands over his back and ass appreciatively. “Good boy.”

“I just…”

As Justin started to say something Brian began in earnest. His hand coming down hard against the sensitive flesh. Justin pushed his face further into the covers, moaning. His brain was starting to slow down.

Brian said nothing else. He continued Justin’s punishment in silence, letting the sound of his hand connecting with Justin's skin do the talking for him. He felt him leaking on his leg, and knew he was probably beyond words at this point but Brian didn’t stop. He didn’t even slow down. He took his little blonde past the point where he usually pulled him back. He needed Justin to relax, to concentrate on something other than the million reasons why he was terrified of tomorrow. 

Justin was crying outright now, begging Brian to stop, but not using his safe word, or moving particularly forcefully away from Brian's non-stop assault on his thighs. Brian stopped for a moment, rubbing reddened skin and Justin arched up again, not truly ready for the punishment to be over. 

Brian lubed his finger and pressed it into him. Justin moaned. He was lost.

Justin tried to remember what he had been so intent on telling Brian, something about Ranston and the gallery, and…he couldn’t think. There was nothing but the amazing feel of those strong hands, holding him in place, punishing his ass with hard sure strokes, between his thighs, on the delicate skin where his ass met his legs, directly on his round cheeks. Each time he tried to move the blows became harder and more accurate. He thought he might pass out if Brian didn’t let him come soon. He was so hard, and each slap against his as pushed him forward but not enough to give him the friction he needed.

He tried to lower his body but then the sensations stopped altogether and he arched his back before he even realized he was doing it, his legs spread, his ass up, offering itself. He wanted more.

When he felt Brian's fingers inside him he cried out. And as one hand worked itself into him, the other continued to rain blows upon his ass and thighs. He couldn’t think, couldn’t talk, could barely breathe. 

When Brian's hand found it’s way between his legs, massaging his balls, rubbing lightly against his hard cock he shot ropey spurts of come. He buried his head, embarrassed that all it had taken was a single touch at that point.

He relaxed a little, his breathing starting to return to normal, his body almost collapsing over Brian's lap. Then he heard Brian speak for the first time since he’d started. “We’re not done yet.”

“Brian.”

His hand came down again…but it wasn’t his hand. Justin turned his head sharply and saw the paddle out of the corner of his eye. It was black, and that was about all he could tell. The pain was different. Sharper, but less concentrated. It spread over his ass, and he could feel it throughout his body. He moaned and lifted himself back up on his knees a bit. “My very good little pain slut.” Brian said, rubbing his hands through Justin's hair. 

At that moment, it’s all Justin wanted, to be here, letting Brian have him, hurt him, punish him, clear his mind of everything. He was a pain slut, he’d known that since he’d first gotten his nipple ring but this was new, and…thought left him again as a set of sharp blows from the paddle came quickly one after the other.

He gasped, and gave in to feeling and not thinking.

Brian watched him come, and start to relax, but the moment he stopped his ministrations with his hands Justin’s body tensed back up, just a tiny bit, but enough that Brian knew he wasn’t done yet. He pulled the paddle out. He’d never used anything but his hand on Justin before; he wasn’t really big into props. If you couldn’t get off with Justin in your bed you were doing something very wrong. But tonight wasn’t about him getting off; it was about bringing Justin to a new place, someplace where Ranston, and the show, and what happens next didn’t exist.

So he began with the paddle and was gratified to watch Justin pull back up, arching himself towards the blows. He let him get accustomed to the feel of the new toy, let him wrap his brain around it, but then he felt that tenseness again. He was back to thinking, to analyzing. He brought down several hard fast blows that pulled Justin out of wherever he was and pushed him where Brian wanted him…. over the edge.

He could see his red face, the tears streaming down, and knew that he was almost there. Brian doubled his efforts, keeping an unsteady rhythm with the paddle, driving Justin insane, not knowing what to expect next, or when next might be. He’d spend a full minute rubbing and caressing his hot red skin, only to start up again. Finally Brian pushed Justin against his legs, letting his leaking cock fall between his thighs. He continued with the paddle while Justin rutted into him and as Justin came Brian brought the paddle down again, square against his ass, he continued several more blows until the blonde was completely spent. 

Brian threw the paddle to the side and slid out from beneath him. “I’m gonna fuck your hot little ass now.”

Justin moaned, feeling as if he could barely move. He felt Brian on top of him and as he buried himself deep inside he pushed back, feeling the heat of his own recent punishment burn against Brian's pelvis and thighs.

Brian wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him up 'til they were both on their knees. He licked and bit at Justin's neck while he continued to pump hard into the boy, feeling the heat and the desire as he thrust back at him.

Brian was sure Justin's mind was clear now, and his was close to empty. There was nothing at this moment but the two of them, their bodies, their need, their skin, their scent. And finally he came, moving his hand down to jerk off his little twink. They came together. Brian growled, pushing hard into Justin's spasming body. Justin whimpered, the glorious feeling almost too much after everything he’d just been through.

When they were finished Brian lay back down, and Justin practically collapsed onto his shoulder, his arm flung over his chest. He slept. Brian was asleep soon after. Both glad that tomorrow was their last day in New York.


	20. Chapter 39 The Finale

  
Author's notes: All mistakes _are_ temporary, and now, they're fixed.  
  
This is the final chapter.  
  
I want to thank everyone who has read this far, it was never supposed to be this long but I just got carried away with the story.  
  
Thank you all for the feedback, it's what kept me going while writing this even when I wasn't sure where the story was going next.  
  
Hope it was worth your time.  


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****

Chapter 39

* * *

Justin woke first. His heart was racing. It was Saturday…THE Saturday. He closed his eyes against the swell of panic, focused on breathing normally. It didn’t work. He was in the bathroom moments later vomiting. It’s not as if he hadn’t expected this. And with little in his stomach it was mostly just dry heaves. He stood up, feeling his head spin. He sat down quickly on the tile step that led to the Jacuzzi. 

As soon as he sat on the hard surface he was reminded of the previous night. He smiled then. Brian had been amazing, had somehow known just what he needed. He moved over towards the mirror, his back to it, turning his head, trying to see the marks he was sure were there.

They were. His ass was still red, and a few purplish spot were on either cheek. He was admiring them when he heard Brian snort out a half laugh. 

“Proud of yourself hmmmm?”

Justin blushed a little. “I just wanted to see…”

Brian stepped forward and wrapped pulled Justin close. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just woke up a little scared. Today’s gonna be…”

“Today’s going to be fine, and by this time tomorrow, you and I will be back in our bed, in our house living OUR life.”

Justin leaned a little further into Brian. “I can’t wait.”

“I know but we’ve got a lot to do before then.”

“We do?”

“Well first, we have to fill the tub, and then, I think I’m going to have to fuck that incredibly hot red ass of yours at least twice. After that, we’ll figure something out.”

Justin was smiling again by the time Brian started running the bath.

They followed Brian’s the agenda…and then some. When they finally emerged from the bathroom, both a little waterlogged and extremely sated, Justin could almost handle the thought of walking to the gallery and dealing with Ranston all afternoon. 

He had several interviews scheduled with art critics from some very prominent papers and magazines. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say.

“What if I get tongue tied.”

“Never gonna happen.”

“How do you know?”

“Because of all the things you’re likely to lose… your keys, your wallet, your mind, I doubt you’ll ever lose your astounding ability to babble endlessly.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “I don’t lose my keys that often.”

“No, only every time you put them down in the house. You know Freud says that means you don’t really want to leave the house.”

“Yeah, it takes Freud to figure that one out.” Justin said. 

Brian was getting dressed; Justin was staring blankly at the closet. Brian glanced over and wondered what the kid was doing.

“You know, not that I’m against your being naked but you are going to wear something for your interviews right? I mean, sure, naked will prevent having to answer a lot of questions, but the photos might be embarrassing.”

“Embarrassing?”

“Well, hot, but I’m the only one who gets to keep naked photos of you.”

“You have naked photos of me?”

Brian shrugged. “You sketch when you see me sleeping…I grab a Polaroid.”

“Brian!”

“What, I needed something to put in the frame on my desk.”

Justin laughed, “You better at least keep them in your briefcase.”

“Oh I do. And a few on a private file on my computer, although if I know Cyn, she’s seen them.”

“Brian! Tell me you’re kidding.”

“I’m kidding.”

Justin tried to believe him. “What the fuck am I gonna wear?”

“The brown wool Dolce pants with the burgundy shirt, and your Prada boots.”

Justin scrunched his face. “Too formal.”

Brian was about to roll his eyes but then realized Justin was right, and there were going to be photos. He got serious and started flipping through Justin’s clothes. They were all neatly hung in the closet because he’d hung them up the last time he was here. And they had the stuff they’d purchased last weekend at Barney’s. There had to be SOMETHING.

“I can’t believe you don’t have this figured out already.”

Justin shrugged, “I was probably in denial or something.”

Brian shook his head. “Every time I think you’re finally the best homosexual you can be, you go and do something like this.”

“Nagging isn’t gonna help…just find me something to wear.”

Brian pulled out a pair of dark boot cut jeans that he knew fit Justin perfectly…”No, not jeans.”

“These.” He pulled the dark brown leather pants and button down bias cut shirt with subtle diagonal striping in pale yellows and a deeper brown that picked up the brown in the pants and accentuated the golden blonde of his hair. The Prada boots were still the best bet.

Justin nodded. “Okay.”

Brian tossed the clothes to him. “Get dressed.”

When they were both finished dressing Brian considered asking Justin if he wanted to eat something but decided that the answer would just piss him off. Today, he’d let the kid starve, and tomorrow he’d force-feed him if he had to.

Justin was pacing the room. His hair was almost below his collar, and the shirt skimmed his body perfectly, showing off his lithe compact torso without accentuating how damn small he still was. He hadn’t put back all of the weight he’d lost over the last nine months.

Brian thought he might look better than he’d ever seen him and fought back the urge to undress him. They didn’t have time; he had to be at the gallery in less than an hour.

Sit down.

Justin sat, cracking his knuckles.

Brian handed him a bag, “This is for you.”

“What?”

“It’s a gift.”

Brian I thought…

“I celebrate accomplishments. Today is an accomplishment.”

Justin smiled and pulled the item from the bag, it was heavy. “You made Cynthia wrap this?”

“Fuck you I did it myself.”

Justin looked up, “Really?”

“Yeah, and you’re wrapping all the Christmas presents when we get home, because fuck that’s a pain in the ass.”

Justin nodded. “Fine.”

“You’re not allowed to use that word.”

“Even in agreement.”

Brian shrugged. “Better safe than sorry.”

Justin shot him a ‘whatever’ look and continued running his hand across the wrapping paper. 

“You know, the gift is UNDER the paper. I didn’t just buy you something shiny.”

Justin looked up, a tear visible. “Sorry, It’s just, I don’t think you’ve ever actually given me like a real live present before.”

Brian clenched his jaw, angry with himself. Justin shouldn’t have to be so grateful for small kindnesses. “Yeah well, if it takes you this long to open one I may never do it again.”

Justin started to pull the paper away. He turned the large heavy book over. 

“It’s got those Van Gogh sketches that suck in it. I figured you could benefit from having them around. That way you don’t have to track down the exhibit every time you start thinking you’re a hack.”

Justin was crying now. “Brian thank you.”

“It’ll go in the library when it’s finished.”

“Library?”

“Yeah, you’re right, the dungeon should be in the basement, right next to the gym, so when you get home you’re gonna have to talk to Gregory so we can get started.”

“You’re really gonna let it be a library?”

“We’re gonna have to buy more books though, cause with a two story bookcase and a librarians ladder, and a double sided desk, so we both have work space…it’s gonna seem silly to only have the one.”

Justin smiled wider. “We’ll get more books.”

“There’s more to the present.”

“There is?”

“Open it.”

Justin did and found an envelope inside. He pulled out two airline tickets and looked up at Brian in wonder and a little confusion.

“I can’t leave until late April, because of the carriage house renovations. And I really have to be back at KinnetiK and to help Lindsay with Gus once he’s out of school. So my ticket is for two months. Yours is open ended.”

Justin opened the paper folded in the envelope. 

“Cyn booked the flights and helped with the itinerary. You’ll get lots of time in Rome and Paris Madrid, Prague, Berlin, London, and then once I head back, it’s kind of less scheduled, you’ll be able to go back and see anything you think you missed or whatever.”

Justin was truly crying now.

“This gift has three conditions,” Brian said, as he pulled Justin off the bed and held him, whispering into the top of his head.

“The first is that you’re healthy before we leave. That means an actual doctors appointment.” Justin nodded. “The second is that you understand that I will be off shopping while you spend twelve hours staring at a single painting.” Justin smiled at that one. “And the third is that you promise that no matter how long you want to stay, and how in love with Europe you are, you’ll come home.”

Justin nodded adamantly at that one. “I promise I’ll always come home.”

Brian smiled. “Good, now go away.”

“What?”

“You’ve got to get to the gallery, and I’m going to meet oh say, a million people at the airport. 

“You’re meeting them at the airport?”

“That was an exaggeration, I’m meeting them in the lobby, but either way, you have an interview to give.”

Justin nodded. He had a gift for Brian as well but decided to save it until later. 

Brian kissed the top of his head again. “I love you.”

Justin inhaled deeply; it still affected him when Brian said it. He smiled, kissed Brian on the lips, grabbed his coat and bag and headed out. By tomorrow, he’d have lots of new things to worry about, but they’d be easy, because he’d be home, and Brian loved him.

Brian squared his shoulders once Justin left. Relieved that the morning had gone as smoothly as it had. He hadn’t known what to expect but he‘d expected the worst. Justin was holding it together admirably under the circumstances. 

He rolled a joint and sat down, letting himself relax a little. Everyone should be there within the next couple of hours and he wasn’t sure he was ready for the onslaught.

Justin wiped his tears with gloved hands as he walked towards the gallery. Brian could be so fucking thoughtful sometimes it pissed him off. And in the spring, they were going to see EVERYTHING. He was so excited he almost wasn’t worried about the show.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~  
Justin looked like a deer caught in headlights as he stood by one of his larger works and allowed the photographer to direct him a little.

This was his third interview and the third photographer and he still wasn’t sure what they wanted him to say. They asked things about his inspiration, and his choice to work out of Pittsburgh rather than New York. They asked him about his daily routine and his work habits. What made him decide to be an artist in the first place? He answered honestly if not fully. Leaving Brian’s name out of it. 

He gave mostly vague and seemingly ‘deep’ answers when in fact, they were just bullshit to keep everything on the surface. “None of this.” He thought to himself. “Is anyone’s business by mine, and maybe Brian’s. They don’t need to know any of this to appreciate my work.”

But he smiled, and remembered that if this went well, he could bury himself back in the studio, and rarely have to deal with people again. It was that thought, and the image of walking through Paris with Brian that kept him from snapping.

He could tell Ranston was pleased with his responses, and felt an annoying amount of relief at that. 

One of them asked him to stand by the large display of six canvasses. He wanted to refuse. There was a part of him that wanted to pull them down off the wall. There had only originally been five, but he’d added a sixth a couple months ago and felt the set was finally up to date. It would never be complete, but he was very okay with that.

They asked him about the set.

“It’s pieces of my life.” Was all he would say about it. Anyone who knew him would recognize most of the pieces, anyone who didn’t, well, they didn’t matter.

One of the reporters had done more research than most. He was from _Pittsburgh Living_ and knew more of Justin’s story than others. “Did your work change much after the incident at your prom?”

Justin’s mouth opened and then closed again. He hadn’t been prepared for questions about the bashing but he had been news at the time, and this reporter had been in Pittsburgh so it made sense. He tried to collect his thoughts.

“It changed a lot. Not only because of the damage done to my motor skills, which meant I had to work in different mediums. But because it changed the way I saw the world. Something like that doesn’t happen and leave you unaffected.”

It was the best he could say at the moment, besides, it was no one’s business. He was beginning to get resentful of the prying questions.

Luckily he only had a brief press conference with some less important publications left and then he could go hide in a corner.

He answered the multiple reporters’ redundant questions and breathed a deep sigh when they finally left.

“You did well Mr. Taylor.”

“Thanks, I’m going out for coffee.”

Ranston nodded. He’d seen the press take its toll on artists before, and Justin had never actually struck him as the most stable of men in the first place. He was just relived that the tall guy…Brian, hadn’t been around for this. He had a feeling a lot fewer questions would have been answered and a lot more reporters would have walked away slightly intimidated and writing more about Mr. Taylor’s “bodyguard” than his art.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~

Debbie and Carl were impressed with the suite. “Shit, I haven’t stayed anyplace this nice since they put me in that private room in the hospital when I had Michael.”

Brian smiled. “I figured you and Carl could use a vacation, and some time alone, after living with Emmett.”

Carl shrugged, “He’s not so bad, you get used to him.”

“HOLY SHIT!” Debbie’s voice reverberated through the room “Carl, check out the size of this tub.”

“And that’s my cue to leave” Brian said. “See you at the show.”

Carl was heading towards Debbie’s voice when Brian closed the door.  
~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~

He returned to his own suite to find Emmett and his new man waiting for him.

“Brian you should come out with us, we’re going sight seeing.”

Brian simply shook his head. You two have a good time, I’m looking forward to a couple of drinks and a couple of hours of not having a pacing blonde cracking his knuckles incessantly.”

Emmett shrugged and walked away arm in arm with Finn. Apparently they’d been dating for several months now but Emmett had decided that his mistake in past relationships was to go public too soon.

His faulty logic was pointed out to him by Ted, Blake, Michael, Debbie, and anyone else who remembered Drew but he ignored them all and swore that his keeping Finn to himself for a while was the reason they’d lasted so long. He seemed happy so everyone simply accepted Finn. Mostly because he made Emmett happy and had an absolutely drool worthy Scottish brogue.

Brian was wrong about getting time alone without a pacing blonde in his room. he had just poured himself a double when he heard a knock at the door.

He barely got the door open before a miniature version of himself was hugging his knees. Lindsay smiled somewhat apologetically. “He wouldn’t stop asking when he could see you.”

Gus let go of Brian’s leg and ran around the suite calling for Justin. 

“Daddy, where’s Jussin?”

“Justin’s at work. You’ll see him when you get home.”

Lindsay smiled again. Brian I can’t thank you enough for the flight, and the suite. I’m not sure how Gus would have fared a 5-hour drive. And it’ll be fun to stay a couple of extra days and take him sight seeing.”

He shrugged, sitting down and swallowing half of his drink in a single gulp. “Michael and Ben have JR?”

“Brian you know Mel’s taking her for the week.”

He finished his drink. Saying nothing.

“How’s Justin holding up?”

“He seemed okay this morning, which probably means he’s in a corner of the gallery crying at the moment.”

Lindsay was pacing now. “The show will be fine I’m sure.”

Brian nodded, wondering why she was pacing and fidgeting if she was so sure. He had convinced himself it would all be okay, but Lindsay was currently making it difficult for him continue his forced optimism.

“Would you sit the fuck down.”

“Daddy mommy says you shouldn’t say fuck.”

Brian laughed, and Lindsay gasped. “Gus! I told you not to use that word.”

“I was tellin’ daddy not to use it.”

“Daddy can use it if he wants, but he shouldn’t say it in front of you.” The last part of the statement was directed at Brian.

“Wow Lindz, you’ve got that mom glare down.”

She took his glass and poured him another drink, finishing half of it herself before handing it back to him. “Justin’s going to be fine.”

“I know that.”

Gus was spinning around in circles when Brian looked over at him. “This is new.”

He stopped and tried to take a step, giggling uncontrollably when he fell down. The dresser was inches from his head and both Brian and Lindsay moved quickly before it registered that he hadn’t actually made contact before he fell. 

He tried to stand up again but Brian grabbed him before he could stumble into the furniture and actually do any damage.

“What the fu…what are you doing?”

“I was spinnin’”

Brian smiled a little. “why.”

“’Cause spinnin’s fun, me and Sam spin all the time.”

“Don’t do it in here, you’ll get hurt.”

“Wanna spin. Spin me daddy.”

Brian did and Lindsay's heart melted a little. She had several regrets in her life, and she wasn’t always thrilled with Brian’s choices. But she’d never regretted choosing him as the father of her child. 

His love for the boy was obvious. And his relationship with him had changed since they’d been living on the same grounds. She was beginning to feel that Brian might be right. An addition to the house would make life easier, and then she could stay, giving Gus a chance to grow up knowing his father. 

This Brian Kinney, a somewhat different man from the one she’d had to get high in order to convince him to be the father in the first place. This was a dad worth knowing.

Brian was watching Gus’s face as he spun the boy around, the look of delight in his eyes, the infectious sound of his giggling, mixed with four shots of whiskey made Brian feel something that on anyone else might have been described as giddy. Brian Kinney didn’t do giddy, so instead he just called it glad to see his son happy.

When he finally collapsed on the chair, Gus on his lap still laughing, he promised himself that he’d do whatever it took to make sure Gus stayed this happy forever. 

His mind wandered back to Justin, and as thoughts of what he’d been through in his relatively short life flashed, he hugged Gus a little tighter. Gus would never have to deal with anything like that. He made himself that promise even while Gus struggled out of Brian's arms to show his daddy how to spin right, and once again almost clocked himself on the head with an end table.

Lindsay caught him this time, and caught the look in Brian’s eyes. He was worried about Justin. More worried than he’d admit. She wanted to say something that would assuage his fears but there was nothing to say. 

“Gus, it’s time for your nap. Say goodbye to Daddy, you’ll see him at home next week.”

“Bye daddy, say hi to Jussin’ for me.”

“Bye Gus.”

“Thanks Lindz.”

She smiled as she held Gus’s hand and shut the door behind her.

Brian sat staring at nothing for a while. He wanted to call Justin and see how he was doing but thought he might still be in mid interview. 

Justin was in fact doing okay. He was sketching ideas for the library. When he’d talked to Dr. Blackstone about his obsession with getting the house done, and how he wanted it to be perfect for Brian the man had laughed at him.

“You wanted it for yourself.”

Justin had looked at him confused, shaking his head.

“Justin, you left home when you were 17 and haven’t lived anywhere permanently since then. You’ve been in Brian’s loft, and Debbie’s house, Ethan’s apartment, and borrowed some couch space in New York, but except for a few months of a rented studio, that you admit never felt like home, you haven’t had a place to call home that couldn’t have been pulled away at any moment.”

Justin thought about that a lot these days. The house was his. His name was on the deed next to Brian’s, but more than that he’d left his mark in every detail of renovation and decoration.

His sneakers were thrown under the sofa where Brian couldn’t see them and complain, his artwork was on the walls, his tastes were reflected in almost every aspect of the place. Sometimes he didn’t trust that it would be there when he got back. 

The Dr. was right, he hadn’t had a home in a long time. His mother had sold their home when his parents divorced. He’d never really lived in that town house. A couple days after the bashing, and that’s it. It was never his. The loft was never anything but Brian's no matter how long he lived there, even after the Stockwell debacle Brian had redecorated and made it his again, not theirs. This was theirs. But somehow, more importantly, his, and so the library would be just the way he wanted it.

His mind traveled around these ideas in circles as he tried to ignore the fact that the show’s start time was approaching rapidly. He shook his hand out to loosen his fingers and went back to designing a double sided desk that would accommodate Brian’s need for clean lines and his need for things not to look like they just got delivered from the loft.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~  
Jennifer sighed. She had HOPED Ben and Michael wouldn’t bring Hunter, but then had a feeling the boy would have shown up even if Brian hadn’t bought him a ticket. 

He would not take her polite hints that he should go back to his suite and check in with Ben, or Michael, or both. He and Molly seemed more intent upon lounging across the sofa, and each other in her suite and doing a very bad job at hiding the fact that they really wished that she would leave.

She’d been almost as upset as Justin when she’d first found out about the two, but she’d learned her lesson after almost losing her son. And so she’d accepted Hunter into Molly’s life. Trying to remain pleasant as he continued to be one of the most annoying boys she’d ever met. She’d never thought she’d wish Molly had found someone more like Justin’s boyfriend.

She shook her head and popped back into the living room area for nothing in particular. It was her method of making sure they didn’t forget where they were while they lost themselves in each other on the couch.

She wondered for a moment if this might be her fault. Perhaps if she had married someone less like Craig her children wouldn’t be drawn to these types of men. But she knew that wasn’t it. She just didn’t like Hunter.

She and Molly had appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday at NYU and Columbia respectively. Jennifer loved that Molly might stay close to home, but secretly thought that maybe the University of Arizona would be good for Hunter and Molly’s relationship. Well not good for it, more a nail in the coffin of it, but that would be good for Jenn.

She sighed again and looked at her watch. She could legitimately kick Hunter out in another 45 minutes. 

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~  
Michael and Ben were just glad Hunter was occupied. Molly was nice enough, and Michaels initial aggravation at yet another man in his life falling for a Taylor blonde had faded. What he was left with now was a large luxurious suite, Hunter gone for hours and Ben not having any papers to grade. Melanie had JR. Michael and Ben finally had some time to themselves. They used it well. Both realizing almost too late that Hunter would be back any minute and hurrying to shower before the show.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~  
Blake was trying to convince Ted that the breeder who was watching Blue was excellent.

“If all goes well, the stud will have done his work by the time we get back to Pittsburgh.”

Ted tried to nod and agree but he was worried about his baby.

Blake did what he could to take the mans mind off of things and eventually they found their way to the Jacuzzi in their bathroom.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~  
Brian couldn’t take it anymore he called Justin.

Justin heard Brian's ringtone, (love you madly by Cake), and picked up. 

“Hey you.”

“Hey, you in the middle of an interview?”

“Nope they’re over, I’m sketching the library for Gregory.”

Brian closed his eyes, relieved. Telling him about the library had been a good idea, giving him something else to focus on was the goal…it had worked.

“This is gonna cost me a fortune isn’t it?”

“Nope, I’m paying for it.”

“Like hell.”

“It wasn’t a question.”

“It isn’t a debate.”

Justin sighed. “Brian, eventually, you’re going to have to let me pay for something.”

“Eventually I will.”

“When is eventually… on your calendar?”

“I don’t have my calendar with me.”

Justin sighed. “Well at least I know what we’ll be talking about on the flight home.”

Brian laughed, “I wasn’t planning on talking much.”

“Yeah, you’re usually to far gone to talk but hey, that’s when I can get you to agree to lots of stuff.”

“We’ll see.”

“I’m thinking of banning that phrase.”

“I’m thinking of banning any more banning of phrases.”

“Did everyone get there alright?”

“No hundred pieces of flaming anyone.”

“Well that’s good. Any chance you can, you know…keep them from coming to the show?”

“No.”

“But you’re gonna be here?”

“No.”

“What?”

“Sorry, got tired of answering that question, thought I’d try a new answer.”

“You’re evil.”

“I’m sweet.”

“You know, I could be back at the hotel in fifteen minutes, we’d have time for a little actual fun before this clusterfuck begins.”

“Clusterfucks can be fun.”

“Not this kind.”

“Maybe not for you. The rest of us are going to be highly amused.”

“Amused?”

“You’re kind of cute when you’re nervous, aggravated and forced to schmooze.”

“Only you would find that cute.”

“Only you would be cute doing that.”

“Exactly how drunk are you?”

“Barely drunk.”

“Humph.”

“I’ll be there soon.”

“And then we’ll leave?”

“We’re already packed, the plane leaves at two am, we’ll be in our own bed by five.”

“Pro…”

“If you ask me to promise I’m canceling the flight and we’re staying in New York, with everyone, for three days.”

“See you soon.”

“Later.”

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

The doors opened, and patrons began filing in. The people from the backers brunch were there, as were several members of the press who were either looking for additional bits to add to their stories about peoples reactions or those who had not been able to schedule an interview.

Justin felt like he was going to throw up, or pass out.

He saw Debbie before anyone else, but then again, she’s hard to miss. And in her bright purple dress with hot pink accessories she was louder than any of the artwork.

“Sunshine!”

“Hey Deb.”

“Look at you, New York’s been good for you.”

Justin grimaced. “I can’t wait to get out of this city.”

“I know honey but I’m fucking proud of you.”

“So am I Justin.”

Justin turned at the sound of his mother’s voice. Hugging her. “Mom, I’m so glad you could come.”

“Like I’d miss this.”

“Like Brian would let any of us miss this.”

Justin looked at Debbie, clearly confused.

“He paid for everyone’s tickets and rooms, you knew that right?”

Justin shook his head. “I had no idea.”

“Well that’s Brian for ya.” Ted said as he joined the group, “Never let it be said he doesn’t go all out when he wants something.”

Brian reached them just in time to hear Ted’s comment. He snaked his arms around Justin’s waist. “Yes, but the difference between you and me Theodore is that I actually GET what I want.”

Ted turned his back to Brian, and wandered over to join Blake who was less familiar with Justin's work and fascinated by the pieces he was currently viewing.

Justin leaned back against Brian. 

“Mr. Taylor, I have someone I’d like you to meet.”

Ranston was pulling Justin away from Brian and reminding him again they needed to keep their distance during the show.

Brian laughed. “I am _not_ going to miss that guy.”

They all chatted amicably about nothing and then separated to view the show itself.

He stood next to Lindsay who was studying a portrait of Brian holding Gus. “He really does look like you.”

“Lucky for him.”

“I’m glad Michael and Ben agreed to watch him for a little bit. I’ll head back soon so they can come show their support.”

“Don’t hurry, you deserve a night out, even if it is a pretentious art opening.”

“I wish Mel could have come. She wanted to but her cousin couldn’t watch JR.”

“Yes, you can see we’re all missing her.”

“Brian…”

“Hey, I didn’t like her when you were married to her. You can’t ask me to pretend to like her now.”

“Can I ask you to be civil?”

“I get it, no yelling in front of the kids.”

“Thank you.”

He kissed her cheek. “Hang in there Lindz.” 

He walked off to see if he could steal a few moments with Justin before Ranston dragged him away again.

Justin saw Brian signal him with an almost undetectable motion. He smiled. It amused him that the skill Brian used for cruising men worked equally well when he needed to communicate with him.

They met in a quiet corner. “Everyone seems impressed.”

Justin shrugged. “I think it’s going okay. Some pieces have sold already.”

“You’re brilliant.”

“Shut up.”

Brian leaned in to kiss him and Justin backed away just a bit. He grabbed Brian’s shirt and pulled him around another corner and then ducked behind a roped off area.

Brian followed.

“I um, wanted to give you something.”

Brian raised his eyebrows.

“It’s no big deal, just something I saw and well, I mean if don’t want it, or want to or…”

“Justin.”

The blonde looked up at him.

“What do you want to give me.”

He handed Brian a box.

“We don’t have to I just thought, you know… maybe on our right hands.”

Brian opened the box to find two Titanium bands. They were not the one’s they’d chosen for the wedding. These were bolder, black and silver, with a very subtle tension set stone. Brian wasn’t sure what to say.

He’d considered bringing the ring issue up with Justin recently but had been a little hesitant. Okay, absolutely terrified that if they tried in any way to change their current arrangement he’d lose him again.

He picked up the larger of the two bands.

“It’s inscribed.”

Brian squinted to see what it said. Two words. “Don’t forget.”

Brian smiled and picked up the smaller band, it read simply “I’m staying.” 

Brian picked up Justin's right hand, which was now shaking, and slid the ring onto his finger. 

Justin took the larger one from Brian and did the same. “It doesn’t change anything.” He said, kissing Brian deeply.

“Okay.” 

“I have to go back there now.”

“I know.”

Justin left first, straightening his shoulders as he always did before facing the patrons of a show, but this time he didn’t have to plaster a fake smile on his face. In fact he couldn’t have stopped smiling if someone asked him to.

Brian looked at his hand, using his thumb to stroke the back of his ring. Somehow Justin’s timing had improved, or maybe they’d just finally caught up with each other.

He headed back out to the show.

Brian was drawn to the painting he recognized immediately. It was the scarf. The other pieces were the same size, and each one was breathtaking…and for Brian, just a little bit frightening. 

Justin stood next to him, and Brian resisted the urge to pull him into his arms. “These are all about me.”

Justin shook his head. “These are all about us.”

Brian looked at him

“Brian, look at them carefully.”

He stood back, trying to take each one in.

The first was simple, he knew what it was, 10,000 fags in Pittsburgh knew what it was. Eight neon bars glowed softly from the canvas.

The second was a little less clear, until he stepped further back, not even bothering to apologize to whomever he’d bumped into. It was flashes of movement and color, textures and sparkle, and in the bottom right corner, something dark and solid, and then he realized what he was looking at. This was Justin’s point of view of the prom, of their dance. This is what Justin saw over his shoulder as he held him in his arms and spun him around the dance floor. Brian finished his drink and grabbed another from a passing waiter before he said anything.

When he tried to speak though he wasn’t sure what to say.

Justin was watching Brian. He ignored Ranston for the moment. He’d been dreading this. But now that the moment was here, he was hypnotized by Brian's eyes, which seemed to be changing color moment by moment.

“I didn’t know you even remembered the dance.”

“I did. I remembered all of it.”

Brian nodded and took a step towards the third painting. “Scared the shit out of me when I saw this one in the studio.”

“You’ve seen this one?”

“Not finished but yeah, that was the night you collapsed because you hadn’t eaten or slept in two days.”

Justin nodded. “I guess I forgot to lock the door. Brian it’s…”

He nodded. “I know what it is now. I didn’t know what it meant then, that’s why I was so scared.”

He moved on to the fourth. It was the loft, empty, but there was more to it than that. Brian moved forward, taking in every detail of the space that had once been so familiar to him. There was a broken violin where the rubber plant should be. Posters scattered the floor, Stockwell posters, but others as well. The promotional flyer for the carnival, an ad for eye conics, in orange. He smiled. 

“That was a rough year.”

“For us both” Justin said.

The fifth one made Brian’s fingers clench around the glass in his hand. Justin took the glass away before it shattered. Brian's fists remained clenched, his knuckles white.

It was a moment, trapped in time, ambulance and police lights flashing. A woman sitting on the ground, face covered in soot, EMT blanket wrapped around her. Just the edge of a gurney visible in the back of the ambulance, blood caught in mid drip about to hit the ground. Shadowy figures moving behind the scene, the dark smoke lightened only by the orange flash of fire. Haunted eyes and panic were visible on every face.

“Babylon.”

Justin wanted to reach out and touch Brian, to remind him that they weren’t there anymore. He hadn’t died. In fact, it might be the day Brian’s life had re-started. But he said nothing.

The sixth had been added later. Justin had planned on just the five when he started but he had felt the need to add the first sketch he’d done in the new house. It was the one he’d created while waiting for Brian to return his first night back, he’d needed to see it hanging with these others.

Brian shook his head. Purple sheets, rumpled, the blanket pushed to the side, the mattress lying on the floor. Crumpled cigarette boxes scattered around a growing pile of laundry, a single pillow. No detail was missed. The empty scotch bottle. The overflowing ashtray. They were all memorialized. The room looked forlorn. The entire scene somehow conveyed loneliness.

“What the fuck?”

“Brian, it’s us.”

“I get it, it’s moments in our life.”

Justin shook his head. It’s the moments I knew you loved me.”

Brian turned to look at him then. 

“Each of these, they’re the little things, and the big, that proved that you loved me.”

“You’re not done. There’ll be more moments.”

“I know…this set will never be done.”

Brian did pull him close then, and Ranston could fuck off. He kissed Justin and felt him respond.

“I do you know. I’ve loved you, probably since that first night.”

Justin smiled. “I know. I was just waiting for you to figure it out.”

 

THE END.


End file.
